Hi I have been reading a bunch of your threads the last few days. I come here from newcomers, posted in april, but I never have gotten too many responses. I am not sure if I belong here yet.
Here is a bit about my sitch. h and I m 24 yrs last Sunday(that was kinda a sad day, as h can not acknowledge feelings at this time, but I gave him a simple card)Anyway, about 3 years ago, h quit (banking)job of 20yrs.things were changing, new bosses, etc..he was being used, knew more than the higher ups, etc... one day he called me and said I have to leave, today! I was shocked, but i supported him. Well a coworker just happened to start calling him, she was having troubles in her m, she is an alcholic, she quit her job a few weeks later, Ended up at a new bank, and several months later h did to, friendship continued, my suspicians did to. H took up social drinking and smoking, met a new group of coworkers, went out after work occasionally, but of course "she" was always included. I continued to worry, he always assured me they were nothing more than friends. I tried so hard to believe him, in the 20 yrs of m, i have never once ever had to doubt his love or fidelity. Things seemed to go on ok for us, but this past spring, i pushed him too far, and half way accused him of an a, I just wanted him to confess, and then we could go from there. All the ily and anything physical stopped that day, it was so tense, I suggested c, he agreed, and we have been going ever since, he even mentioned in c that he felt like he needed to leave the home, but never did. i found this db board, and read dr and started to change me(lost weight, as I could not think of food)I stopped the r talks, begging, crying, and slowly things started to ease up. We still went out, to movies, with friends, etc. but the closeness is not there. In the last few weeks of c, he has said that he just does not have the feelings, and can't just fake them. Told me he still cares for me, and c questioned if he knew why he does not have them, and I said it is probably some things that I had said. he said yes. he had mentioned trust at another session. I havve brought up the coworker in c, and he continues to say that should not be an issue, but c knows it still is with me. I now question if there really has been an a, or if i have let my emotions and everything play games with me. The "friend" is now going through d, and she calls my h for help moving, etc.., and I have backed off, as we have learned here, I can't change them, only me.He is still at home, if he wanted her, he could have left along time ago. We have done social things with her, she asked me to come along with him to see her new apt, so if they are having an a, would they really be including me??? I am so torn some days.
We are slowly talking more, but not about r, just general things, he seems happier than a few months ago, I just want him to love me again, hold me. I am so sorry for this long post, but I needed to vent again, and get some thoughts from others who are on the road to recovery. I pray each day that he will find the love that we had for 20 yrs, and begin to want to heal our m. Sue
He's still home and with you so there is lots of hope. I can't say as I blame you for your suspicions. It may just be an EA, but my H lied to me when I asked him if he was having an A twice! He was-I felt it in my gut. This is not to say Your H is but something is not right in Dodge. At least he is going to C with you. Keep DBing. If this woman is an alchoholic and has issues he may just be getting falttery from her and knows he does not want to be with her.Make yourself a much mnore appealing person than her.(shouldn't be hard!) You have everything going for you and time is on your side. Don't get impatient and blow up at him-it will push him away. Be someone he admires and wants to be with. You have a great chance from what it sounds like-just keep doing what works and STOP anything that doesn't work! Good luck, Rachael
Rachael, Thanks so much for encouragement, it truely lifts you up just to hear a few positive words. I read your post and it sounds like you are on the way. Your h sounds like he has different moods, is close to one minute far the next. Mine is just in between all the time. I am probably missing the small signs, and just want a big one to hit. We all know here that that is not how it happens. I think you are right in the "friend" that flatters him, I have noticed the past 6-8 mos, that when we are out that h seems to kinda flirt, which he has never done before, so i think mlc is part of it, and also I find myself that you are flattered by little remarks from the other sex. So this woman is in great need and he feels good about helping. She acts so dumb sometimes when I've been around her. I on the other hand, while my self esteem is not that great, am independant for alot of things that she needs help with or just wants to make men feel needed. I keep asking myself why or what does he see in her that's good, compared to me. She's a little thinner, but no babe, and he is a little overweight. i don't know. h and I were the first for each other, but that should not make a difference, we came into m from our parents homes, so we never did the single life away from home, and sometimes I think he would like that taste(would't we all from time to time), but that should not be a basis for giving up your vows for. I am going to keep working on me, and appreciate the steps forward. Hope you can do the same.I hope we can keep in touch, I feel so much closer to these threads then newcomers. Bye Sue
Hi Sue, Thanks for dropping by my thread. I have read what you posted here and it brought back many memories of my "dark times" so I truly feel for what you are going thru. I agree with Rachael tho, there is much hope here. That fact that UR H has included you in his friendship with this coworkder seems to be his way of reassuring you that there is nothing more to that relationship then friendship as far as he is concerned. So the best thing here is try to let it go. Hard to do...VERY...but it is what you need to do in order to allow him to decide to come back to U in the soonest timeframe.
Right now you need to give him space to sort out his issues. Work on what you need to do to make you feel better about yourself and would make you more attractive to him. You will need to demostrate these change are for real and that you will not go back to the you he thinks you are. This takes a lot of time and effort, and is paced at his timeline to figure all this out so it requires lots of patience too, but in the end it is all worth it.
Thanks, you guys, I have felt better since coming to this thread, then in the past 5 mos.
Yesterday, "friend" asked US to come over and watch football. Now did I really want to go? No, I don't like football, it was beautiful out, so to sit inside for 4 hours... But, did I go, you bet, I was not about to see if he would go himself. We had a good time, she talks about her d pending, and I almost feel sorry for her, and guess what, when I finally asked h if he was ready to come home, he patted my head and said " I know, you're ready to leave" I know it sounds stupid, but he used to do that occasionally, and he has not willingly touched me for months, so I am excited.
Sermon at church yesterday was Forgiveness, and I got tears at some things that were said, as a lot fit us, I don't know if h saw me then(he sits with choir, but can see me)but I did not make eye contact, as I would have broken down. It is so true that we have to forgive people for things in order to heal. So, I am feeling pretty good.
I wonder if there is more that I could be doing, I feel like we are not progressing, if we would know, I don't know.
There are the little things, but I start losing confidence and think that new and exciting things should be happening every day, when reality is that it takes time. I don't know if I am still db'ing. I know that sounds crazy, but I don't feel like i am doing anything different from a month ago. Any new ideas or thoughts? Thanks Sue
Hi Sue,
Don't be discouraged. A 24 hour period is just to short a timeline to expect changes to occur consistantly. Think of it as standing on a fault line ... from day to day, nothing seems to change but below the surface, sight unseen, the process is churning ever so slowly until one day there is a physical shift that can be felt. (or at least telltale signs of the motion can be seen, like crack in a foundation.)
Once you made the initial changes, DBing on a day to day basis is more about being aware of ones action as to avoid reverting back to old patterns and to keep the new ones going (which includes always working to improve oneself). The changes you made are like the motion along a fault line...there is resistance at first. They doubt the changes are sincere at first, then skeptical if changes will remain to stay. Day after day, they do notice and process what you do, like the pressure under the surface. One day they will realize the "new" you is genuine and will make a decision about how they will want to interact with the "new" you, then SHOCKWAVE... Just like earthquakes, it is totally unpredictable when it will occur and when it does, it could be a series of little ones or THE BIG ONE that may rock you world... ... or anything in between.
As some of the wiser DBer's say ... it happens slooowwweee.
Hang in there, Sue, and as for what you can do on a daily basis, just ask yourself, "What can I do make today better than yesterday, and if the oppurtinity presents itself, bring me closer to my S?"
Thanks Kaw-that helped me too-I'm needing a little help today as I too feel we are standing at a standstill of sorts. I guess I feel the need for an OR talk-we have not had one for a long time except in counceling and then it was not really a "talk" about the A and our future. I need reassured by him about our future. How do you bring that up without initiating an OR talk, and how do you know if your ready for that OR talk? Aren't we suppose to wait for them to initiate them, or talk to us when they are ready? I could just see my H cringe if I started talking about it. WE were intimant last night and I was looking in his eyes and I thought he was going to say something to me to reassure me he is ALL the way back. Not "ILY", he always says that, but something about the OW to reassure me that she has no part in his life anymmore. He has got to know I need to hear that! Rachael
Rachael: Because you use to enter my threads you know i felt that R conversation need days ago, and i ask him to do that... I feel better now after that talk... but the importance is that i ask this talk not to get any answer from him... not to claim or ask him some actions to do... I ask this talk to express myself, to comunicate him what i feel... because i think comunication between a marriage is so important to go forward... I remark that... i dont push you to do anything or to be like anyone.. i dont push you to answer me anything... I just comunicating you what i feel and what i miss... what are my needs and my fears... and my hopes for the future...!!... I think i get from this stronger to him... and stronger by myself...!!... So... stay in mind maybe he cant give you the answer you are looking for... or maybe he will answer you anything, but only actions can show you this words are true... Sometimes answer from them is not what will resolve our feelings, although in that moment you will feel relief...
Rach, A couple days ago, you asked if you should talk to Adrian about what you need to do in the near future.
I responded with:
Quote: yes, you should to talk to Adrian. However, when you do, don't bring up your fears and doubts. This will only put a negative mood on your conversation. Keep it positive. Relay to him how you want to do better than the job you have now ... Why you want to become a nurse ... How going back to school will make you feel, etc. Then give him time (couple of days or so) to collect his thoughts about it and watch carefully. If he does not verbally respond back, then his actions might tell you when he is ready for you to bring it up again.
I feel you should start here first. It is safer for the both of you and if it goes well, may comfortably lead to a OR talk. Start small, or with a single topic ... like you not wanting to go back to your old job because you don't like it. Explain why. Again try to keep the conversation positive and about what you want to do for yourself. Let him volunteer what ever he wishes about say, but don't force him to say anything. If he doesn't, end the talk and let it go for a few days. As Michelle states in her book, they may need some time to think about what you told them and respond. These guidelines are to maximize smooth and safe talks. Start slow and small and with practice, you two should become more comfortable approach each other with what you would like to say...
(or at least telltale signs of the motion can be seen, like crack in a foundation.)
or THE BIG ONE that may rock you world... 
... or anything in between.