Hey I'd like to talk to you more but I can't, on my way to the airport. I'll try to get back to this on Sunday evening if I can. As you can see I've been around here for a while, it helps in seeing through the fog. More later. Wonder
Wonder, have been reading some of your more recent posts.
Can’t argue with anything that u say there.
Went on to re read detachment article – I’m barely achieving any level of it most of the time. Why is it I can read the words, understand the content, and fail to execute?
I’m a fixer/rescuer I reckon. i am afraid of hurting my H more and myself.
Perhaps my (wrong) idea of detachment is a total emotional disconnection, which is perhaps what I feel I need, but can’t get due to H’s constant incursions + my fixit fixation?
Rereading my scales post. That just bust out of me this morning. And I think my H has gone nuts???
It seems I don’t know where I’ve been, or where I’m going.
I am sorry you did not reconcile, but pleased you will give me the benefit of your experience.
Still turning stuff over in view of what I’ve said previously.
It seems like I’m hoping someone will tell me H is in MLC and will not stay like this; probably not possible realistically.
There is a lot of weird stuff in H’s family that I haven’t disclosed.
I think I am afraid that our M was ‘the act’ and he is now experiencing the full blossoming of his true personality, in all its glory. Which is all the negative stuff that only peeped out occasionally before, waving the odd red flag here and there, but usually fairly easily dismissed.
I need to sort this out in my head before I can decide whether I want to stand or walk. (or run)
N, well here's my story, My husband had MLC of epic proportions and left me for a third world ho he had known for three months and then had a baby before we were even divorced. That's what can happen. I feel bad saying this but it does. Wonder
What happened to u was one of my nightmare ‘what ifs’.
It seems to me that when that type of ‘catastrophe’ occurs, all the personal emotional ‘choices’ or possibilities we may be considering are taken away, because perhaps, morally speaking, all other considerations should take 2nd place to the requirements of nurturing new life.
I have a good friend whom I have known for about fifteen years. He had been with his wife for about 20yrs. Some little while ago he was enticed (by his description) into an affair with a work colleague.
His ow deliberately (in my opinion) contacted him at home when his wife was there, resulting in their separation. He told me he was working hard toward reconciliation with his wife and was on the point of going back to her, when ow announced she was pregnant.
As a result he is now stuck in no mans land, lives alone but has 2 families to support, feels he was trapped by the ow, but is determined to maintain his responsibilities to their child. This is in fact a barrier to his reconciling with his wife, who will not accept ow and child as part of her life. ow is constantly badgering him to be a 'family' w/her.
Some might say he got what he deserved, but I feel his fate is to be pitied. he made some poor choices that he will pay for for the rest of his life, as will his wife.
I am doing my best, to prepare myself to meet with whatever comes at me from this mess.
I’m just trying to work out what that might be, so I have at least a few answers ready.
N, I wasn't really fair dumping all that on you but you asked what my sit was and I am not always around here do I spilled.
What you really asked me was how did I pick up on the fear. I'm not good at the quote thing but here is what I got: *********************************************************** don't know how to act with my H. i don't want to push him away - he gets very childish with me when i let his calls go. when i answer sweetly and make him feel i am happy, it just seems to validate his behaviour. **********************************************************
Not that your reactions to this are wrong, it's just that you do not trust yourself. And that is normal. And that is the result of fear. I mean why would you not be afraid when the person you trusted the most may have abandoned you? For two years I had signs on my walls that said Trust Yourself.
The one thing I will add is the best advice I ever got from this board a long time ago. It was from a man and he said as long as the OW is involved it it not good for you.
What I try to do is tell people first get through the fear of the people who hurting us an then it is possible to move forward in our lives and take care of ourselves. Wonder
One more thing, about detachment, there is a very good book about that, Codependency No More. It talks about how you are not responsible for others and it was referred to me by a man a long time ago who was divorced for 7 years and then reconciled with his wife who had left him. After 4 years of therapy I know detachment is a learned emotional skill. Wonder
You are quite right. I don’t trust myself – to such an extent that I am second-guessing everything.
Ditto re ow advice, there is no way I can compete with a fantasy woman who just has to be on her best behaviour at the weekends and help H spend his money.
It’s funny, that book you mentioned – I have seen it recommended during my trawl into personality disorders (that H was displaying) and have deliberately shied away from it and the implication that I was as batty as he was.
No apology please for ‘dumping’. I think we’re all here to share our experiences for the common good.
You have succeeded in making me stop and readdress some stuff with a bit more honesty. I hope you’ll call in again and find me in better sorts. But I know I’m still going to struggle with detachment whilst receiving such frequent and sometimes painful contact from H. I’m sure there is a way to deal w/it. I just haven’t identified it yet. Perhaps the book will help on that.
Just a quick reply to say that the lessons of the book I mentioned have nothing to do with your being batty. It's about patterns of behavior that may have been survivor mechanisms at one time that became patterns. And especially it tells the lesson about control, that none of us can control another and that letting go is the only way to really exist.
An MLC experience is probably the worst emotional experience anyone in the USA could go through and I would never wish it on my worst enemy and reading a book does not do the trick. It takes a lot of time, and honestly I was one of the most painful messes on this board for a very long time. And healing, whether you get back together or not, is a process.
I don't expect that anyone here would be able to detach just like that, the self help books that tell you do this or that and you will feel better are jokes. It does not work that way under these circumstances. I was emotionally sick for a long time.
Be very kind to yourself, trust yourself, find your patience and faith, and you will find your way. Wonder
