Hello everyone.. Im not new here but have been away for a while. I have kept up with some sitches here and still come back time to time for inspiration, and also to remember how bad off i was while going through my seperation. I have been home for over 6 months now..after 6 months apart during my W's A,as well as atleast another one nite stand kind of thing? Well now as i said i have been back 6 months..the first couple of months were great and things continue to be good..i mean my W appears to be madly in love with me,and still cant get enough of me on a daily basis,but its me that is now struggling with being back. I love my W....but i guess im struggling with now still having thoughts and visions of her with other people,and it tears me up. I still struggle with feeling special? i guess,and wondering if she only came back because it was the right thing to do,or only because her little A didnt work out like she planned. I am struggling with so many things.... My house no longer feels like my home to me..She violated it with other men.. I have trouble going out in public with her..wondering if we see one of her "friends"..i guess im embarassed? I guess in a way when i think about it,maybe im embarrased that i could still love my W after she has done such a thing,how can i feel like a man..i feel like she just walked all ocver me until she had nowhere else to turn. Again...She shows me,or tries to show me evryday that she loves me..i have continued to ask questions about things,and she gets defensive and just wants to move on,and says she will never hurt me again,but i guess the fact that she has never come "totally"clean about everything,it still enables my mind to wander. I want to stick this thing out,but i am having overwhelming thoughts of leaving lately,and i guess thinking i owe it to myself to see if this is what i really want.Its all i wanted while we were apart,and i well..YES this is what i want,but i feel like i shouldnt sell myself short.I dont want to be the that she settled for??? Just looking for some insight,and some advice,because i dont want to make the wrong decision,and anytime i try to talk about anything with my W,she gets angry and defensive,wondering why we just cant forget everything and worry about the future.I dont want to hurt my children anymore,and i want to give myself ample time to get over and past everything,but it has become increasingly hard...Its still a rollercoaster after 6 months back..up and down from one day to the next.
M 33 W 33 Married 13 years Together 16 Bomb Oct 2005 Back home May 2006
Quote: maybe im embarrased that i could still love my W after she has done such a thing,how can i feel like a man..i feel like she just walked all ocver me until she had nowhere else to turn
I hear you, bro. Been there..still there sometimes. Those feelings are pretty routine. But it isn't about her. It's about who you are and, even more important, about your kids. You made a commitment to love her for better or for worse. Well, she dished you out a big steaming pile of worse. Your kids need you to make good on the commitment, for their sake. And chances are, while you may not have cheated on her, you didn't give her your best either. I know I didn't give my W my best.
So the question is...how good can things be when you both give each other your best?
I think if you stay the course and are both truly committed to working things out, you will feel better one day...it'll probably take a while. It has/is for me, but it does get a little better every day if you're both working towards better.
It sounds like you've got a lot of positives in your favor.
If you haven't gone to a good solution-based MC, that would probably help you guys a lot, and help you with a lot of that stuff you're feeling.
All the DB stuff is still important even when you're together, because those principles aren't simply tricks to get your spouse back...in fact, they're just the opposite. They're fundamental changes to help you become the strong individual you need to be in order to truly share yourself and your life with someone else, as opposed to being too dependant upon someone else for your well-being.
It's just that, for many, it's easier in some ways to just quit. In my case I decided that I wasn't going to quit because that wouldn't be right or best for my kids. I decided I'd do my best and if my W decided to quit, at least I could look myself, my kids, and my family in the eye and say I did my best no matter what.
It's still your choice and hers too. But it can be done because people do it. I'm not "there" yet, but I'm much closer than I ever thought I'd be.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
hi, I understand how you feel, having canned our hurt and feelings for so long, now that our Ss are back we are finally able to bring out all those emotions we had to surpress.
I also had times when I'd think "ok, maybe D is the answer" specially after an argument. Unlike your W, my H came to me totally empty and the first months he was half in daze, still coming to terms w/what had happen and how much he had failed, so he had nothing to give me.
I know I also want to feel he came back because deep inside he really never stopped loving me... you know where we get that feeling? from movies, real life doesnt' work that way. I asked my H point blank why he came back, he did 'cause (and I quote him) "you seemed to want me back and wanted to know if there was anything left for me from "better times". That was not the answer I expected, but that was the truth, and he warned me I might not like it.
Whatever the reason, let's look at the outcome, we have our Ss back, when they were away we were willing to take them no matter what, ok, so now we got what we asked for.
I think you are the better man by being forgiving and taking her back, a proud hard-headed man wouldn't have done what you did.
She should be able to tell you some things, I know my H didnt' want to talk about he A at all, I got some truth through some arguments, a few through some calm and frank dialog-in which I had to totally drop my accusing and hurt tone. But it was always like pulling teeth.
It's also been a rollercoaster for me after 7 mths of my H being back, I highly recommend you read "healing the hurt in your M" it will help you cope with those feelings you have now, hang in there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you both for taking the time to reply...Its good to hear from people who also have some thoughts i have...
My W cant understand why i just cant be happy that i got what i said i wanted all along..Well the problem is i now think of all the crying and begging and pleading that i did and she still continued with the A...and now i guess i fell weak...I feel like op has a leg up on me...i just cant explain it all..i cant understand everything and why it happened..and why is it now that i am better than sliced bread...I guess the reason i keep asking questions is because she keeps lying everytime i do.I had enough lies during our seperation.i understand that she doesnt want to hurt me,but i guess knowing she could look me in the eye and tell me things i dont really want to hear would maybe give me a sense that if my W can tell me these things then she would tell me anything from here on out..hell i dont have the answer to why i am like i am..but i am..and i feel like she should honor that and do what ever necessary to get us/me back to feeling good about myself.
In the end i guess that is what it is really about ME.
I dont feel particularly good about myself.I used to be such a confident person..i mean i always felt like i was a likable good lookin guy ya know..and now i question that and i dont like it...Its showing in my health and looks now..I mean during our seperation i lost 30 pounds..since i have been back and feeling these things about myself..well i have put on 40+ pounds..i feel disgusted with myself..but i think in some odd way its only because i feel like that on the inside..
Thanks guys
DeeJay
There is not a lot I could add that TL and Cat didn't already cover -
I can however give you a quick perspective - because I think that if you really put the power of DR/DB to work, it should be life altering - but like anything sometimes as we change ourselves, the journey can be tiring and can also inject a lot of self doubt. I know I have had similar thoughts about "sticking around". But I would rather spin it like TL did.
I stayed and I worked on the M because it was the right thing to do - not solely from a moral perspective but because I did make a promise to my W (and implicitly to my kids afterward) that I would weather better or worse. In the end, I feel NO shame and in fact I beat out the OM - as you have - for that you should feel a deep sense of pride. To have run off or away would have been perhaps been the least courageous thing to do. In fact, what I have found is that many have come to me and told me straight out that *I* am crazy to have taken her back. My answer is "we're worth all that I fought for".
So now a bit of a 2x4 - this is about you. I'm not sure, but it seems that you might have used DB/DR to win the battle, but have dropped it. Remember DB'g needs to become almost a part of your life - part of the core. There isn't a WAS out there that didn't run off because things were great in their M/R. They did so because something was missing. DB helps us, the LBS to realise that we need to be accountable for that missing piece, to find it, fix it, and keep it going. That serves the relationship well, and if done very well, brings our WAS back.
Look, I'm not discounting your feelings, they are likely very real. However, if there is something you don't like about yourself, YOU have to be the one to fix it. And I don't think you want to wait around for another bomb to give you that reminder. Here too, I am speaking from recent experience - I started putting the weight back on - wasn't exercising enough (granted I was lucky - I lost that magical 30 lbs too, but only managed to put back 10). But I started to get disgusted with how I was looking. Actually, two weeks ago I saw a recent photo and could see the weight coming back to my face.
Sooooo, I kicked my self in the arse and said, get your butt back on the treadmill - make time, at least 4 days a week to exercise. Been doing for the past 3 weeks and low and behold, 5+ lbs are GONE.
I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. I've been a long advocate that happiness comes from the inside. You need to look deep - find the things that would make you happy and go for them. Don't forget to GAL and get out there an exercise - simply one of the best ways to keep that head straight - endorphines rock.
If need be, state your goals here - we'll keep you honest.
Onward and upward.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
wow...Thanks sven..i needed that.. i just want to feel appreciated ya know...i want her to be thankful i hung around i guess...i do have goals and one of them yes is to get into shape...i too..feel myself fallin back into the same habits.but im using the excuse of my depression to make it alright..maybe im just waiting to see if she will stick by me and stick it out like i did...in the back of mind i think i only want to leave just to see if she would fight for me like i did her...if the shoes were to be switched..i think that is what im missing in moving forward..How important am i to you,and how far would you go for the love of your man..or would you just walk away and be to proud??/ Thanks for the replies again DeeJay
Don't worry Deejay your feelings and fears are completely normal. Many people here struggle with the same thing (myself included. I am in the same boat and have lately been grappling with that whole "second best" thing and thinking that he's only with me because OW dumped him... even this morning I confided in him that feeling of being foolish for staying!).
My point here is I think it's very normal. Fortunately there are some wonderful and amazing people here to help us work though all this, share what's helping them and help normalize our perspectives and really get to a point where we can build it back better than before (and build ourselves into stronger and better people).
By the way, a great book I've been going through a second time right now is "Not, Just Friends." I think the author's name is something like Shirley Glass??? One thing is says is healing and rebuilding after an affair is a process that generally takes anywhere from 1-2 years to work through. You still have quite a bit more time. (And for sensitive people like myself I'd guess it could take even a little longer ).
Oh well... one positive angle is that hardship and struggle help us grow and gain strength.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: i just cant explain it all..i cant understand everything and why it happened..
You'll never be able to explain her behavior, though if you look really hard at your M you'll see why somethings happened, there is never a good excuse for an A, but what I mean is that there were signs we LBS didnt' get.
Quote: im just waiting to see if she will stick by me and stick it out like i did...in the back of mind i think i only want to leave just to see if she would fight for me like i did her...
Well, with this kind of attitude your M is doomed, you are not putting your all to restore your R, you want to see "what if", you are still stuck on "feelings". When I told our C (H was next to me) that H didnt' feel the same, C said "feelings come and go, it's the commitment that pulls people together." Your are setting yourself up for failure, piecing is hard business, and anything less than hard work will just destroy whatever progress you've achieved.
My H was pretty baffled that I forgave all the crap he did, he even told me that if the sitches were switched he'd never forgive me, he'd be too mad. Did I leave him when he said that? nope, I'm still here w/him. He was always very perplexed as how well I handled it all, he'd look around the house and would ask me "how do you do it? if it would've been you who left this house wouldnt' even be standing, the place would be a disaster, I wouldnt' know what to do!".
Would you leave her if you knew she couldn't forgive you?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yeah, what cat said. And remember, we're all still growing and changing, and have the opportunity to learn and teach what real love really is. You can't go through something like this with any degree of integrity and honesty and not be changed by it...you don't really have a choice in that too much and by this stage of the game you've already started the process...so your choice is in how you use it, whether you're going to allow the process to make you better or worse.
It's kind of like being caught in an undertow. If you struggle too hard while it's pulling you out to sea, you'll drown from fatigue. If you go with the flow for a while, then let the tide carry you back in so that you can simply keep your head above water and slowly make your way back to shore, you'll be fine.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
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