Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I'm sorry pws. Just wanted you to know my heart hurts for you. I pray to get me through it. It has been the only thing that facilitated the healing. I wish I had gotten "it" sooner.
pws, The difference between us and MLCer is that we accept that we need to feel and get through the pain. We crawl through the depths of it, only to come to a peaceful place. It does not happen by waking up one day and the pain is gone. It takes moments, that gradually connect themselves, to form minutes, then hours and days. Your pain is so normal and real. Please do not avoid it, but accept it as something that you need to feel right now. You will get to the place where we are now, more good times than bad. We also find that we rebound faster from the bad as time goes on. Tears are helpful. Give in to them. Each time they end, you are left with a little endorphine high, that lasts a little while. Take advantage of those times to get a little busy and distract yourself with chores, or a walk. Lord knows he left us with lots more chores on our plate. I know that when I get busy with something I feel better. When the bad times hit, give in to them if you can. I spent lots of time by myself. I also found when caring friends took me out to dinner, I needed to get home. Anxiety took hold. I needed to be home, and alone. Now those times are past. I am stronger, and my best moments are when I am helping others. That's just me, but there you are. It is OK to be miserable. Just know that for your H, his time is coming. And he is in for much more pain than you are feeling. Try to keep that in mind if you are looking for a start for your compassion. He has made his choices to avoid the pain that you are in, and he cannot find a cause for it like we can. He has to invent causes. When he figures it out, oh my. hope this helps. We have all been there. We are all better for what we went through, and will continue to go through. Cheers, Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I want to respond to some of your text, but don't have answers. The answer is ... there are none that we can absorb. The answers to MLC are in MLC emotion and it defies human logic. Part of reason we call aliens ... aliens.
Kevin did nothing to you. Kevin does not exist. Kevin began to fade in and out of reality some time ago, longer than you would imagine. Then Kevin disappeared and the alien MLC MeMyselfAndI appeared. That person always had low self esteem whether it showed or was aggressively masked. That person always sensed somehow that the best part of youth was missed, wasted, or did not last long enough ... and wished for a Do-Over. The alien is intent on getting that Do-Over and will consume all that Kevin is until it has had its way with his mind and body. Sound absurd? Sound like a foolish attempt to excuse the horribly unacceptable behavior of a dirty rotten scoundrel? Fine ... prove me wrong. Any of you, take your best shot.
Been there, read the posts, the books, looking for the answers. Dear, there are none, just more questions. Some come here and write "aliens are a myth and an excuse for misconduct". Perhaps. You knew Kevin. What do you think? Which of any of our loved ones could do to us what they have in fact done?
So if the alien myth is just that, maybe we are "guilty of hiding our own failures and blame" as we buy into this analogy that our spouse is just gone MidLifeCrazy. OK
How many people that knew our old spouse feel the new person is perfectly fine? How normal does anyone think they are? You have to answer some of your own questions, we can only answer ours. None of us can prove the truths or myths of this abyss.
That does not mean we are all damned to live inside it forever. It does not mean we are doomed to be ruined emotionally, physically, and financially by it forever. I am not naive. We suffer all these things for a time, to an extent.
This is why I am really writing you. Please understand. You must suffer and grieve to move forward. You need to manage that and dilute it with some forgiveness for yourself. Forgive yourself for not knowing about this before it happened. You couldn't. Forgive yourself for not being able to stop it. You can't. Forgive yourself for not wanting to live life. You will learn that is one of the hardest parts, wanting to move forward instead of parking in limbo.
There is nothing for you in limbo but pain. The amount of time you spend in limbo does not earn you more or less credit at the MLC bank. It does nothing positive for you. Talk to people about how to move on, even if you believe he will catch up. He probably will try when the time is right.
But you have to give him something to want to catch up to. It will be more appealing than what he already new and walked away from. It was not bad. Don't let him make you believe that. But in his insanity he left with one image of life, and as you see he continues to redefine that for his own justification of alien lifestyle desires.
Don't put life on hold while you hope and pray. Hope and prayer are essential. Start by hoping and praying for yourself, your health, your sanity, your own inner peace. Look for that inner peace we all forget. Pursue things that renew your focus on your inner peace. Use that to distract yourself from the abyss. We say here that what you focus on expands. The negative will even more quickly than the positive.
Focus on something positive about yourself. Focus on the positive things in other people. Take slow deep breaths. Be very still and listen to the silence, as the holy spirit within us all tells you that you are not lost. Learn to meditate on this. Learn to ignore the alien, do not focus on Kevin, live your life. Give him something he will want to return to when the time is right, not someone who has given up on life and been consumed by the alien acts. That offers him nothing but overwhelming intolerable blame and guilt. Trust me, he will have enough already by his own acts.
Reading is paramount. The knowledge you gain by reading will empower you to put things into perspective a little at a time, and to find peace within that. We can suggest books. We have articles here to share. We share posts, emotions, humor, along with stories about a stuffed Beaver and a bus full of nekid Barbies.
for the first three months post bomb, shortly after having crawled out of bed and made tea, i would spend about five minutes dry retching in the bathroom.
i had no control over this, it was very frightening sometimes, convulsive and out of my control it seemed.
i knew i was making progress when this stopped. i also lost a lot of weight, easiest diet i ever did. ha.
i think that for a long time i kept expecting a miracle to happen and my H to just pop up and say 'oh silly me, i made a mistake'
i still think he may do that one day, but maybe long after i've healed from this.
it would, as horrible as this may sound, have been much easier to deal with if he had simply died.
It would have been easier, and I'm not ashamed to admit I wished for that very thing during the many times I was hugging the toilet in those first few weeks.
But the day comes that you don't throw up any more, you don't wake up crying, you don't run out of the grocery in a panic, you don't look for his car, and you don't want him to die.
One of the most beautiful and insightful postings I have ever read. Thank you for summing it up so eloquently.
The advice is true. We do come out of this much stronger and more confident. BUT, we have to do the work. The grief is the first thing to deal with. And deal with it we must. However long it takes; however far down it goes. The next stages come, with some overlap in between. When you come out on the other side, you have grown into a much better version of the person you once were. Difficult way to do it, but worth who you find in the end.
Hugs and God bless you along the way. He did me. Mickey
Quote: Kevin did nothing to you. Kevin does not exist. Kevin began to fade in and out of reality some time ago, longer than you would imagine. Then Kevin disappeared and the alien MLC MeMyselfAndI appeared. That person always had low self esteem whether it showed or was aggressively masked. That person always sensed somehow that the best part of youth was missed, wasted, or did not last long enough ... and wished for a Do-Over. The alien is intent on getting that Do-Over and will consume all that Kevin is until it has had its way with his mind and body. Sound absurd? Sound like a foolish attempt to excuse the horribly unacceptable behavior of a dirty rotten scoundrel? Fine ... prove me wrong. Any of you, take your best shot.
WOW!!! I could easily insert my H's name in this and it would be just as true. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
pws...I'll follow the lead of others and their additions to W2S's post, and perhaps give what might help you most. Our experiences with the stage you're in now.
I felt like staying in bed forever. My mind reaced to the point of exhaustion. I was shocked and numb. Even now, when I get to this place, rarely, I hate it. I am so scared of staying in that place of pain that W2S describes. You walk around like a zombie, not really living, listening, smiling, talking. Everything seems like a limbo until the next thing from H. The sleepless nights, the nights where sleep never seemed to end. And, like notwaving and BBA, I too thought of H dying as much easier....I would rather have had a dead H than a cheating and lying one.
But, as everyone says....it gets better. Soon, you stop crying so much each day. Then you stop crying every day. Then, you have to actually think back and count to the last day you cried. Soon, you laugh with ease without being stung by your pain as an afterthought. You don't remember the hollow lonliness in your chest when you're out pretending to GAL....you just get one that you love and cherish it. You remember your family and friends, who were floating in ether while your MLC spouse was the only reality you knew. They become tethered to your life again. You cherish them.
Soon, you start waking up and seeing the sun shining as a blessing. You learn to love your space. You learn to love the lightness in your life that is yours, without the care of another. This sounds selfish, but if you look back, there was some way we were taking care of an adult with low self-esteem, and that is tiring. Soon, you start to get to know yourself, what you enjoy, like and believe. You start to learn what you find truly compatible in a partner.
Then comes the part when you actually start thriving. Not just surviving and getting by, but actually improving your life in ways taht have nothing to do with your M. You start to dream and believe in life and your goals. You start to hope to feel better each day.
I hope that as each of us tell you our travels out of the darkness, you will see that it is actually possible. Just like all of us tell each other of the alien madness to realize that it is REAL, as W2S mentions. The power of the reality lies in the plentiful stories we share with a common thread. You will thrive one day. It is slow, it is imperceptable.
Start watching the baby steps in yourself, not just in M and H. It's much more interesting and rewarding. Let the pain go for a while.....lay down that heavy pack. You wills tart to see how effortless it is to put it down, and how cumbersome it is to pick it back up, and you start to say to the pain "I'll pick you back up later...now I want to live."
In short, this is precious time, given to us for a reason. For some, it is a time to reflect and see their own shortcomings in the M and change. For others, it's a time to change their life in ways they have always wanted to. For others, it is a time to go after those long-lost dreams. For others, it is a time to turn back to things they put aside, like family, hobbies, nature, work, children. For all of us, it is a time where we realize our own inner strength, which is only revealed in these difficult times.
There will come a day when you step out of bed, strong and fearless, with a sacred knowledge in your heart that you can face anything....through the grace of God, and your own power.
It was just this week I realized that when I start my day, it's not scraping myself up and making myself stand strong. I wake up and stand strong automatically.
You will get there. One day at a time. Stick with us.
Was2Sad and Always14. Wow, awesome posts from you both. So powerful and so well expressed. We are all up against something very powerful and very frightening that feels as if it is trying to destroy us. Maybe that is just projection. Anyway, I don't want to be beaten by it. I want to be a stronger and better person than I was prior to this [and I think I was pretty good previously - no false modesty]. Prayer, spiritual growth. It is a hard mountain to climb, but climb it we must or stay forever in the valley.
