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Just a quick update. I'm hoping tomorrow to have the time to go read inpain's thread.

Didn't talk or see WAH at all yesterday. Today he went out of town. Went to check on the business at 3:30, and WAH was there. Felt good to know he didn't go see OW. At one point I was able to quickly check his cell phone - no calls to or from OW.

A couple of minor downsides. WAH said he was thinking about purchasing a used snowmobile, something he's always wanted. I asked a little about it. As WAH was talking about it, he said he didn't know where he'd store it though, and he'd have to get a trailer for it also. I didn't say anything. Hey, it's his money, and I definitely wasn't offering to store it here at the house. He moved out, so he can live with the consequences of figuring out what to do with his purchases he has no place to store, nor do we really need. There no place really to store it at the house either, and he knows it.

WAH also seems to be considering racing again this year. This is something he said he was going to quite. Was a little dis-heartening, but not much. I know how much he loves to race. He did say he didn't have any place to work on the car though, and he wasn't going to put our son's truck outside for him to work on the race car, so that part was good to hear. At least he wasn't just thinking about himself.

WAH then asked what was going on tonight. I told him our oldest wanted to watch the Seahawks/Cowboy football game tonight. He then mumbled something about working out tonight. I told him he was welcome to come by if he wanted. I left shortly afterwards, giving him a kiss which he returned, and said I'll see you later if you come over, others just sometime later, and left with a smile.

WAH hasn't come over yet. He still might, but if he doesn't, I've got plenty to do to keep me busy. It just feels good to know that OW is pretty much out of the picture now. I know it could change in the future, but for now it just makes me feel great. It's much easier to give him is space and time to work out whatever he needs to knowing this. I know in my heart he'll be back, I just don't know when, and to tell the truth at this point, I'm not sure I want him coming back until he's really ready.

Update on the last few days.

Saturday, WAH hadn't come over by 7:30, so gave up on expecting him. About 7:45 WAH walks in. I was a little surprised. He said he had been talking for 1 1/2 hours to a friend in WI about the snowmobile he wants to buy. Good news as he hasn't really talked to this friend much in a long time, nor has he had much good to say about him the last year or so, even though they've been good friends since they were kids. I took this as a good sign that WAH is starting to get involved again with friends he's pretty much dropped over the last couple of years.

Anyway, WAH also mentioned that he invited the friend he called to go to the racing banquet with him. I knew this was coming up, but he doesn't know I know about it, so I asked him some questions about when it was and were. I was a little dis-appointed that he didn't ask me to go with him, but I didn't say anything. I asked if F's wife was going also, WAH said he didn't know yet. I then asked WAH if he told F that he had moved out. He said "yes".

I got a little depressed at this point. Husband had been acting a little distant also again, so I backed off from touching him when he went to get us another glass of wine (he had wanted some). I was trying to stay positive, as WAH was sitting my me still on the couch, rather than in the chair. He could tell I was a little upset, and asked me what was wrong. I just told him - well you just told your F, and now all your F's where he grew up were going to know we're separated, and I haven't even told my family yet. He said he told F that we were talking still though. I then told him it was hard even knowing if he liked it when I kissed him, etc... He said he was just taking things slower, but he still liked for me to ask or show him I wanted to be with him. I didn't say anything. After a little bit he reached over and kissed me. I don't remember if he said he was sorry or not though. He said though that if I keep doing what I've been doing (changing) than he's was considering moving back in when his lease is up at the end of March. I told him that was his decision to make, that he needed to determine if he was ready. He didn't quite understand my reply, until I reminded him that it had been his choice to move out to begin with. Then he was like "Oh, I understand now".

I decided WAH not asking me to the banquet and telling his F about the separation wasn't that bad. At least he wasn't taking OW. I decided to focus on the good things I'd heard that night,and I let the rest go. WAH spent the night again, and most of the next day. Sunday he asked if I wanted to go with him and S to check out a spare parts truck. I was in the middle of cleaning something and said "No, thanks, but I have a lot to do myself". I'm not sure it was the right answer, but I also don't want WAH to think I'm going to drop everything just to always be with him when he wants me to. That's not reality, even if I wish at times it could be that way. WAH then spent most of the afternoon at the house, watching TV or sleeping. I would have preferred it if he had done something, even if it wasn't much, but it wasn't to be. Oh well. It's still better than the alternatives.

WAH called Monday and actually said he'd pick up S10 from basketball practice. That is un-like him, as I usually do all the hauling of our S's to and from practice/games, and I'd told him earlier in the day I could take and pick up S10. It was a nice change. WAH also worked with S13 on truck that night. I had volleyball (late game) and then stopped for some groceries, so WAH was gone by the time I came home.

I called my mom briefly. She doesn't know H moved out. When I told her he was working with S13 on truck in garage, she said it was about time he started spending more time with S's.

WAH stopped by again briefly last night. Dropped off printer he had borrowed which I needed. I had to run to the store to get S basketball shoes. Asked WAH if he wanted to go with. He didn't want to - said he was tired as he had class that day and the next two. He had to get up earlier than normal for it. I didn't have a problem with it, as I really didn't expect he'd agree to go anyway. He left shortly there-after.

Today - employee called me just as I got to work, and said two of the car wash bays weren't working. H in class, so I went to check it out. Based on some questions I asked, I determined it was probably because the hoses had froze. Sure enough, when I get there, they are. I thought WAH told me Monday night that he had turned on the weeps, but obviously he hadn't, or he turned them off again. A hose also broke, so I took it off to replace it, but had to run to the hardware store to get a compression ring as we didn't have anymore. WAH then calls, and says he's on his way. We get everything fixed and working finally. It does really bug me that he did something so stupid though. It's like he use to be more cautious, now he seems to take more risks with somethings. Anyway, I did nicely ask about it, (didn't blame or get sarcastic) and he said he'd turned them off because he didn't think it would get that cold. (Yet two nights ago, he said he was turning them on because it was going to get colder). Guess I need to ask, or check myself when I know it'll be colder at night. WAH did give me a kiss as we both left to go back to work.

WAH told S13 Monday, that he'd be over tonight to help S work on truck. I have bookwork to do, plus I have another volleyball game - late one - so I know he'll be gone again before I get back from it. He's actually eaten with us the last few nights also. I'm just taking things one day at a time. I just hope things continue to improve as they seem to be doing. I just hope at some point, he'll realize that it isn't just me that is/was the problem. I know what I did wrong and I'm working on changing those things. I'd like to hear him admit he's done some things wrong also at some point. One day at a time though! One day at a time.

I guess I need to give WAH some time again.

I left work late due to the car wash fiasco this morning. Called home to tell boys I was running late - WAH answered. Said he was working with S on truck. I asked about supper as I was picking up something, he said he didn't want anything. When I got home 30 min later- WAH was already gone. Only spent about 30 mins w/S on truck.

Supposedly as this is my volleyball night, this is WAH night to spend with the B's. I'm assuming he's not coming
back though, mainly based on his actions last night when I told him what time I played. I finally called WAH a few minutes ago to confirm he wasn't coming back so I knew to get the boys in bed before I left. WAH said he didn't see an issue with it as oldest S is 13, and both stay home after school by themselves. I just told him I would have appreciated if he could have told me he wasn't going to be here tonight instead of just leaving and not saying anything. I think he got the message, but you never know if they really hear you or not. Especially as this isn't the first time he's done this.

Lastly - you know he always seems to be telling me lately what he's doing, yet he rarely if ever asks what I have going on, or what my day was like. I ask him. I know it's part of the cycle, but it gets trying some day's when I'd just like to make him aware of what I have going on. I guess I hate the fact that he seems to think I do nothing, or seems to think I can cover what he can't get to. This is something I know I need to work on also - I agree to do more than I have time for sometimes, especially where H is concerned. Just needed to vent. Got to run to my VB game now.

I'm feeling a little depressed tonight, so I figured I spill what's going through my mind in the hopes that it'll
get me to a better place.

First, I didn't expect WAH to come over tonight. No contact all day. H did come over though. Didn't want to eat, said he came to work out. Guess I should be glad he remembered I told him I was going to workout tonight. H got ready (he leaves on T-shirt, one pair of shorts, and one pair of socks at the house for this. Of course H also leaves them here afterwards for me to wash.) H then went to the basement to work out - didn't even ask if I was going to. I did go down a few minutes later to workout. H left right after we were done though. I guess it was hard to think about happy things to talk about, because of what keeps going through my mind. H did kiss me good-bye.

I guess I'm feeling down because I really don't believe WAH will move back in at the end of March. I don't think he's readly. He comes over, but he rarely mentions going out and doing something together. If anything, I'm the one asking. He didn't invite me to go with him to the racing banquet next weekend. I know is excuse would be that someone needs to stay around and watch the car wash, but if he really wanted this to work out, wouldn't you take the chance for one night. I know I would. But he's not me, and I can't force him to think like I do.

I also really hate the fact that he refer's to his rental as "home". As long as he keeps calling it "home", this then isn't home to him anymore. It's like a slap in the face, a constant reminder to me that he's not living here anymore. I know he doesn't really mean it this way, but that's how it makes me feel. I try not to let this get to me, but it really does sometimes.

It's days when I get this way, that I just feel like calling him and telling him I can't keep this up. I know I'll never improve myself to the point where he'd like me to be. I'm working on things I do want to improve, but like my house. I don't want a show piece. I want a home that people can feel comfortable in. I feel like what H really wants is a stay at home wife, who can keep a perfect house where things rarely are ever out of place. It just won't happen with me. There were seven kids in my family - so our house was never perfect either.
Also, I've felt like a single parent for the last few years. Now I basically really am. It's really not that much different, except H isn't here anymore to occasionally help when I really need it. I'm surviving though. WAH doesn't even seem to care what I have to do, or what my day was like. I can tell, everything is still so much about him. So, someone remind me if you get a chance, why do I want him back? I know I love him, but I really don't want things the way there were either. I know I'm changing, and he's noticed it and told me so. I just don't see him changing though. This isn't all my fault though!! But you, know I just don't see him ever appologizing either.

Anyway, what I was really getting at, is that I sometimes feeling calling him up and telling him that if he really wants a D, to file. I don't know if it's because I'm
depressed, and those things that bug you start festing up again, or if deep down I hope it'll make him realize what he'd be loosing, and hopefully come to his senses. Fat chance of that happening though - that's not what MLC'ers do, is it.

OK - I've vented. I can tell already it's helped some. Thanks for listening to my rantings and ravings.
I really think I need to leave him alone for a while (detach) like I did today, and let him contact me when he's ready. I think I'll have a drink now, think about what I'll do for the weekend so I'm not around much, and then head to bed.

Still a little depressed this morning, but not as bad as last night. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I just want more than he can give me right now. It helps to read others stiches in this forum.

My drink last night justed ended up being a glass of choc. milk. I'm having lunch with a friend today, and know we'll have a drink then. I have absolutely no clue if I'll hear or
see WAH today, and I really don't know where he's at. I keep thinking lately that maybe he's going to banquet with WO, and he just lied to me about going with F. I may call F just to confirm, but haven't decided if I should or not.

I'm also contemplating what to say to WAH if he does come back next weekend with snowmobile. I know he'll want to keep it here at the house, but I don't want it here. I never agreed to him buying it. H never asked me if he should get it, and I never acted like I wanted him to buy it. It would be totally his choice if he does buys it, thus he can find his own place to store it. I think it's time for him to really start facing some realities here. Am I being too harsh? And the real question, will I really follow through with telling H this if he does buy it?

Got to go!

Hi !! I've read a bit of your posts...you're doing fine !! The life we have to deal with is not an easy one, for sure !!

I would like to make a few suggestions if I may ...when he came over to work-out, it might have been better if you hadn't gone down to work out with him....he would have maybe wondered where you were and it might have been a bit of a 180°for you ! Also, the fact that he refers to his new place as "home" is just a matter of speech I think, I have learnt that they could get all they wanted to in the world (material wise) but that IF they ever decide they want us back, that the STUFF won't keep them away from us !!! It's just stuff, don't worry !!! He can drop that in a moment !

Oh yes, my last comment - sorry, hope you don't mind ...is that about the banquet...DO NOT worry yourself IF and WHO he's going with !!! I know how hard that is - really I do !!! I've had to swallow lots of these occasions ...DO NOT call this F, to ask !!! It will look as if you're trying to control the situation, and he WILL find out, and he WILL NOT like it, I assure you....so just try and let go, (detach as you yourself said !) I don't yet know if detachment works....I have only just started really detaching, but heck ...we know all the other stuff didn't work, so why not give it a try !!??!!

Keep going !! GAL !! You will manage !! You will be fine, and your H needs to follow his own (wacko) path !!! Take care, lot of love, Cinders xx

From reading your posts I feel as though you are still letting him "run" everything. You need to do the things you want or need to do like you never met him. You will drive yourself insane otherwise. You also need to realize you can't expect him to do anything you would have before. You have expect nothing from him. Believe me I know it is hard, but once you can program yourself this way it will be easier.
Also I think I read that you were trying to change yourself to fit what he wants or needs- you need to change only if you feel you need to for you.

Hope you are feeling better.

Cinders - thanks for your comments. I really appreciate them.
As for the working out, I've always been the one to workout. Working out now is a total 180 actually for my WAH. He never seemed interested in working out together previously either, now he's the one who suggested it. I thought about not going down, but I did want to workout, and if I waited, I wasn't sure I'd get to it, thus I didn't go down just to be with H.

As for the banquet. I did call his F, and F said he invited himself to the banquet. F is still not sure he's going though. F understands ths situation, and he did tell me that he wouldn't say anything to WAH. What we talked about was just between us. (I've known F for years also, and I know they are confused about WAH's actions. F knows he moved out, but not about the A.) I haven't said anythin gto WAH about not asking me to go to the banquet, but I did talk to F because I was curious if WAH was telling me the truth or not, especially as I know he's lied to me a few times in the past.

My SIL and her kids came to visit on Sat. WAH was around for part of it, but couldn't find the time to leave the business (employee didn't show up, but it was kind of slow) to have lunch with us. WAH wouldn't even commit to having lunch with us even before employee didn't show. SIL thought he seemed and acted normal. SIL did tell me that WAH told her that he was thinking of moving back into the house in March also.

WAH did bring a few clothes over to leave here on Sunday. He didn't unpack them though until he was ready to leave. WAH did come over last night too, as I had volleyball, but he was gone by the time I got home. I expected it as he said he had clothes to wash. He has also told our older S that they'd work on the truck Sun and Mon night, but never did. I really hate it when he does that to S, especially when he gives him no reason for it. I have no clue if he'll be over tonight or not. I expect not, as WAH just called and gave me the business deposit over the phone. Usually he stops by at least and drops of the deposit slip. Oh well, it's probably for the best as I keep thinking he might go see OW this weekend still. I know they haven't seen each other in over a month, but the banquet is just too close to where OW lives for me to feel comfortable about him going there, especially as he's doesn't seem to want to go with me there.

Oh, one more thing. WAH did tell me this WE that he wasn't going to purchase the snowmobile, (mainly for the reasons we'd talked about initially - he has no place to store it, he'd need to get a trailer, etc...). His call totally, but I also realize he could still change his mind.
Also my GF has planned an all girls outing in Feb, which I'm going to go to, come hell or high waters. WAH doesn't know about it yet, and he'll have to take the kids that weekend. Could be interested to leave him wondering for once, especially as I don't know the details to even tell him what we're going to be doing. GF is making all the plans.

Afraid, thanks for your comments also. Yes, I will admit I do have a tendency to still let him run things sometimes, but I do speak up more than I have in the past about things I don't agree with, or just to present my views. I'm not doing anything though that I don't want to do, and I don't cancel my plans without spending some time thinking about the situation, and what I really want. Even then, it's usually a compromise of sorts.

Like Friday for example. WAH called, wanted to know what I was doing. I told him exactly what I had planned. He said he was going to ask me to go for a drink, but since I had plans..., At that point I told him well what I was doing was by myself, and I was only doing those because I wanted to minimize driving between the boy's practices. He didn't want to meet where I had planned, and suggested someplace else close by. We compromised on who would do what with the boys practices. I got to the place he suggested, and after 45 minutes - no show. I ended up calling the house to see if S was home and when H left. H answered. He was confused when I mentioned being stood up. He thought I was coming home to meet him and that we'd ride together. I again explained that I didn't want to be driving around because I'd already gone through a tank of gas in two days earlier in the week, something I'd told him earlier when we'd talked. H suggested going out after I picked up other S from pactice. I said we'd see. When I got home, H still wanted to go out, but as SIL was coming I said I needed to stay home to pick up the house. H stayed and helped pick up a little, and we had a glass of wine at home. W left around midnight then.

The things I'm working on changing are the things I want to change. I can control myself and what I change. WAH can't and doesn't control me. It just that I feel like the amount of change WAH wants out of me, is more than I want or am willing to do, which is why when I get depressed, that I talk about these things, and I see them as a negative for WAH not being ready to come back. Many times I'm just typing in my thoughs (both negative and good) to try and work out my real feelings.

I do try not to expect anything from my WAH, but it's hard sometimes when you do want things to work out, and WAH is making an effort. Then I get torn between working out something together, verses telling H to go fly a kite, I'm going to do what I want when I want regardless of what he thinks. I don't want to become what he is though right now, which is still basically only thinking of himself and his needs. That is not me and hopefully never will be me. I hope this makes some sense.

Right now I'm trying not to expect anything from H or for H to be around much since I know he is going to the banquet this WE. I plan on detaching as much as I can. I know OW has to be on his mind somewhat, as I know they still talk occassionally. He'll be so close to where she lives, how could he not be thinking about her. It hasn't been that long since they were last together. As I know H does miss me when I'm not around for while, that appears to be my best defense. What H does though I have no control over.
Is it the right approach? I don't know. I can only hope. I am also thinking of going out to see a band that night that an employee at work plays in, so I'm not home if H does a 180 and calls me while he's gone. Fat chance of H calling me though that night tho. I couldn't even get him to come to bed with me at the last racing banquet we went to together a couple of years ago.

WAH did come over tonight to watch the boys while I went to volleyball again. H was gone though by the time I got home. H showed me no affection today, except when I gave him a kiss good-bye when I left for volleyball.

Needless to say I'm not getting a warm and fuzzy about H going to his racing banquet this weekend. I'd like to say something to H about how I feel, but I know I shouldn't. Not sure how I'd bring it up anyway since he doesn't seem to want to be around much right now. I know I have no control though over what ever he decides to do.