Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Need advice

Dear Wanttobelieve... I am so very sorry that you find yourself here. But always know that their are great people here that have been where you are and they have gotten a life and how some handle their situations. All situations are differnet. I would suggest reading as much as you can on the subject. Get a Divorce Busting book, you can order online from this site. Please read it , and then read it again. The book has so many different scenarios and great advise. Also there is Divorce Remedy. It has stuff that the other book doesn't have and some of the stuff that is in DB. Also there is a list of reading material in MLC resources. The main book that I go by for myself because of my situation is MIDLIFE CRISIS IN MEN by Jim Conway. There are so many others. Start reading you we'll get so much knowledge about him that it will help you.

You will, I know you will be upset alot. The hurt is so very painful that you can't go another minute but you will, you will gather a tremendous amount of strength. You must be very very strong. Somedays you will not have it. That's okay never beat YOURSELF up. That is when you will take baby steps that day. That's okay. Baby steps lead to big steps and you will get there I promise you. In the beginning it is the hardest part, the truth has just come out and you don't really know what to do. Come here and write. Vent here. Tell us what goes on. We have all been there and know what you are going thru. You need to read posts so that you feel that you are not alone. There are many people here that will help. Just post that you need help and people will respond with advise and care. We all care about one another and help each other along in their journey. You wil be lead on a journey one that you did not ask for. It will give you hope and it will bring heartache. Always remmember this very well.......believe nothing that they say and only half of what you see. This message will get you by many times when you are really seating and wondering about what they have said and what they have done. It makes it easier.

In response to your questions...don't file for a divorce. If he wants a divorve ..(he hasn't said so yet) if he wants it let him go get one. It is still so early . You should hold that thought back if you are also saying that your still love him and care about him. They do the craziest stuff. They can't help it. They are so depressed, they really are, that they can't remmember what they had for lunch yesterday. The depression is real. The pain of being depressed like ML"s is very pervading in all aspects of their lives and it is very painful at times. They don't know what to do. They will not admit it. But it is there. They lie. The lie because they can't tell you the truth. They are in their own little worlds...aliens as some people call them. They will say things that hurt you, mean and nasty things. They don't realize that they are doing it. For instance, as an example he won't have told you that you were fat before, he knew not to. But in MLC they will and do say the damnedest things. They have so much going on in their heads that sometimes can't remember what they just did. My husband and I had a disagreement about the people he was hanging out with....He got soooo mad. Stomped out of the room and went upstais. Came back down 5 minutes later and he was happy as lark he never realized that he was just mad. He was cycling very fast. I was absolutley in awe. They do this.

He doesn't know what he wants right now. He can't help it that he doesn't know. He is cycling rapidly in his head and can't make rational decsions. Protect your finances. They do take all the money sometimes. It's their way of being selfish.. They think that they have supported everyone for so long and done without that they want it all now. So protect your self. Get your own checking account. Make sure that monies are not being taken out of the business. Any new credit cards? Please pay attention to the bills.

You have already set a boundary and you let him dismiss it like yesterdays news. You told him that you wanted to be left alone, yet he was over to the house half the time that week. If you really want to be left alone then keep your boundary in place. You need to do what is right for you. Always you and the children. Always. You come first then the children. Why? When you fly the flight attendent tells the adult to put the mask on first then the children.The reason is that the adult needs the oxygen first to make sure that they take of children. You have to take care of yourself first. It's not being selfish it's being in control of what you can live with and what you will not.

The other women is NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. He feels he deserves better sex. He wants to know that he still has it. He is living like a teenager at times. He is so impressed with her that he can't see straight. YOU can see straight. She is nothing really. She is lowlife shanky CENSORED..fill in with your word. Any women who does this to another women is a lowlife shank. She is really nothing. Most of the time they are not what you imagine. Go read where couples have gotten back together. It will help you focus on a goal should you decide that is what you will do. Don't make hasty decsions, that you may regret later. Don't fight with them, don't tell them what they are doing is wrong. Don't have relationship talks. This journey that they are on is theirs. You have no real part in it. It is sad to think how you once were together and now are not. I know how you feel. But you have to GAL and move forward. Take a class I know you don't want too. Do it anyway. Do something for yourself. Something that involves concentration. Anything.... just try and stay busy. I know that it is hard you are still so frozen at times analaying everything. Stop analyzing. Nothing you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is the reason for their MLC. Always remember that.
It started a very long time ago. It started in his childhood. Into his teenage years. That was when he was developing a emotional self. If that self was not allowed to express it self in a safe enviroment then the MLCer is finally having to pay that price. He has gotten to a point that he can no longer hold his feelings in check. He doesn't know how to safely let them out so they have a MLC.
It's pent up anger and emotions, something that they do not howe to handle. It involves their sexuality too. For when they were teenagers. You husband will go thru many phases and go back into it again and again. There is nothing you can do except take care of yourself. Just do that. I can't tell you how strong you will be when you start making decsions and being youreslf again.

I will close now. I hope that I have helped. Please feel free to poat again. People will help you here. Take care
ITSY

I can tell you it's probably not really because of sex. My stbXH was getting it every night (and sometimes twice) because I was willingly giving it. I was only away from home three days when he slept with his skank. And for just that once (though it's probably been more since) he breaks up our entire family.

It's definitely not the sex. That's just the excuse you're H is using. Mine's using the "she listens and cares about me."

BluePoet

I couldn't sleep, and decided to check if anyone had replied to my last posting. It was so nice to see replies.

I am trying to get along with my life, and I have read numerous things on MLC already, including the 6 stages of MLC which Was2sad suggested. I know there is more to read though.

I also know my H didn't have a great childhood and lied about his age so he could join the Marines instead of doing his last year of high school. Both his parents died in their 50's of cancer. He's now 48. I also know he has a tone of things he's wanted to do/finish, but hasn't and I know that feeds into this also. I know it's not me, even though he tells me in various ways that it is me.

I know I need to distance (detach) myself from him. It's just hard since we have a business together on the side. We have to talk sometimes about it and the kids. I know he doesn't really want this. I know he's confused. I just keep getting my hopes up when he acts like he wants to be around me. As one of his big complaints about me was not enough sex, I don't know if I should be turning him down when he wants sex or not. It's like I'd damned if I do (as I can see his attitude changing toward wanting to be with me within 1-2 hours after sex), and damned if I don't (I've just justified one of his complaints about me).

He moved out 3 months ago, and he still hasn't told me the where he lives except for the town he's living in. The boys have been over there once or twice only and that was basically to help him move in. I don't ask, and I haven't asked the boys to show me where he lives. He doesn't want me to know (thinks I'll come around and bug him). I have better things to do with my life chase after him like that.

My step daughter also told me she always thought I'd be the one to leave my H, not him leave me. I've caved in a lot over the years to let him do what he wanted when he wanted. I've given up things I wanted to do, either waiting for him to decide to do it, or because he wanted something else at the time. I know that can't continue, although I guess in a way I'm still doing it.

I am trying to get on with my life. I realize I can't keep up with this emotional yo-yo he's got me on, as I have a job I need to keep, the kids to take care of, the house, and the business. I have protected myself financially - we've always had separate checking accounts since we got married 20 years ago. We also have separate credit cards. As for the business, I do the book work. He has been selfish about money lately, but other than things for his duplex he's renting, and hotel rooms for when he goes up to WI to see the OW, I don't see him blowing money.

I do in may ways understand what is going on here, and know it can take years. It's just hard, when he makes the moves to want to be with me. I even see him trying to spend more time with the boys. I get my hopes up is all thinking it might not be as long as everyones says it'll be (2-5 years on average). He always comes here. He never takes the boys to his place, or with him anywhere.

I know I have to distance myself from him. I know he has to figure himself out, and I know he is confused. I can see it in his eyes at times. They get a dead look at times. I guess as a W, I just want to fix things and make them better. I can't in this case.

As I get hurt, I want to retaliate even though I know it won't do any good. I try to hold back and talk to the 3=4 people that know what is going on, as well as this site when I get a chance. I guess I just need to leave when he comes over. I don't know if I should be telling him though to not come over. Do I turn him away if he wants sex? What about X-mas. Do I get him a gift or not?

I already have plans for X-mas to spend it with some of my family and right now I have absolutely no plans on changing them just to be with him. I think at that point the rest of my family will find out that he's moved out. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can't hide this forever either.
It's his choice.

I guess I should try and get some sleep now. Thanks all for replying. I meant alot. I guess I'm still not sure how I'll handle tomorrow when I see him (as I know I'll see him), but it does help to vent here. I guess my patience with him has been streched so far for so may years, that I have a hard time being patient with him now while he's going through this MLC.

Thanks all!

Husband just called after spending night in WI, more than likely with OW since that is where she lives.

Anyway - he's concerned because no one's at the business - it was extremely slow because of the cold, so I told the employee she could leave unless it warms up. I tell him I can come back and watch as it's suppose to be his weekend off. He say's he will as he's bored. He just wanted to to relax and watch TV, and not worry about doing anything.

1.) OK - I guess he forgot he told our oldest sone he'd be over this afternoon to help him work on the truck.
2.) What the hell does he do then when he's at his place alone each night.
3.) I could tell he didn't want to say too much about relaxing, as he hesitated while talking, like he didn't want to mention what he did yesterday. I only proves to me he was with OW, and doesn't want me to know. (He doesn't know I can track him when he goes up there.)

God he can piss me off. Does he really think I'm that much of an idiot that I can't figure out what he's doing. He has nothing else to do except relax and watch TV when he's at his place. He can go up and spend the night with OW, yet he can't spend more than a couple of hours her with us, yet he still acts like he lives here when he is here.

Anyway, I just told him it didn't matter, it was his choice on what he does, and I hung up. I really don't want to see him today, but I know I will later today because of the business reponsibilies. I'm just not sure I can put on a happy face and act like nothing matters.

Well, got to go and get back to my kids and getting some things done around the house that he's ignored for years.

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I am moving on with my life, in case anyone who might read this thinks I'm not.

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So far you sound great...great potential. You have a lot of strength and that is what this takes. I posted the other day how those LBSs who come into this crisis strong don't stay long because they won't put up with it and those who have yet to find strength try to save things not only because they want to but they are needy. The goal for an LBS is to find strength and power and focus on self. For someone without strength this takes up a lot of the time. You are alsrady ahead of the game having strength.

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Is it worth trying anymore?

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Always. Twenty years deserves trying.

You've received some excellent advice here. I'm going to quote from a few exerpts for remphasis

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Was2sad
My goal is not to ask you to overlook his actions. It is to help you find some inner peace in seeing he is not unique and is quite possibly predictible to a T.
Itsy
You have already set a boundary and you let him dismiss it like yesterdays news. You told him that you wanted to be left alone, yet he was over to the house half the time that week. If you really want to be left alone then keep your boundary in place.

The other women is NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.

Nothing you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is the reason for their MLC. Always remember that.

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I know he doesn't really want this. I know he's confused. I just keep getting my hopes up when he acts like he wants to be around me.

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I know you do. That is why reading about the patterns can be so helpful. After positive or intimate contact...expect a retreat. They get scared...they don't want to give us false hope, the wrong idea, they are not good enough and must leave ...He may not only retreat, he may act out in ager...because that way you can react and escalate an argument and justify his meanness, or you'll see that he really doesn't want to be with you if he's so hateful.

As for sex... that is your choice...but think about some things.

There is an OW. OW relationships are usually not over when he says they are. That is not because he's lieing...OWs cling. Was2Sad talked about the addictive cycle...they go back often multiple times because of the addiction.
What about diseases?

But for me the biggie was it's just not appropriate if there is an OW. Each time Sweetheart has moved home he is not allowed to sleep in the bedroom for a set period...because he always returns straight from the OWs and I won't allow bed-hopping. I feel sex is disrespectful to me if Sweetheart is sexually involved with an OW. Now in my case Sweetheart would probably uphold those boundaries if I didn't...extreme catholic guilt complex. But I have too much Self-Resepct to enable such a thing as sleeping with two+ women. Decide for yourself where your boundaries lie.

Don't worry about justifying his complaints if you turn him down...Bluepoet was right...sex is an excuse. Though it also may be valid.

But tell him why you are refusing sex...he needs to know that it is because you respect yourself too much...and if he insists the OW is out...doubt...not his veracity. He may or may not be telling the truth. But if he is...she'll wiggle back in and he may or may not have an awareness of this.

You can insist on marriage counseling...and STD testing before sex. But understand counseling doesn't work when there is an OW...and given the dates you've provided...that won't truly be over for quite some time. Counseling may not work...and that's okay too...try anyway and you can keep going...use the counselor as your coach and guide in how to deal with his MLC and with your emotions...find a pro-marriage counselor.

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haven't asked the boys to show me where he lives. He doesn't want me to know (thinks I'll come around and bug him). I have better things to do with my life chase after him like that.

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Excellent attitude...that is what this takes.

Sweetheart and I always maintained separate accounts too. It sounded that way when you talked about paying him for the cell bill. It does make some things easier in this.

Keep a watch on the money...but he may not be one of those spenders like so many (I thin the majorit) are. Sweetheart hasn't been...okay, so having gone through this and each lost our jobs we have none...but I don't see new credit cards either...he's as cheap as always...which is good for me since I like cheap. No...if it's Sweetheart I'm talking about, I love cheap cause I love him.

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he really think I'm that much of an idiot that I can't figure out what he's doing.

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Last Summer (2005) Sweetheart wanted tos top by for a few. He was lvigin with the OW...but had his own apartment...jsut not using it. He'd been living with her just over a month and been out of the house just over two months. At that time he had our subaru and I had my truck--the truck has since been totalled and I use the subaru. So he had a vehicle...but he drives up in the OW's DAUGHTER'S truck. When he left he told me I would know things wer physical with he and OW because they wouldn;t be with us...I knew the week it started when he said he put his back out and he was being 'taken care of' then had to suddenly get off the phone. DUH And now he's driving her daughter's vehicle...sorry, but you don't get privileges like that without an inappropriate relationship. But he still tried to deny it that day. During the conversation there was some talk about sex...comments about how in the future I'm here and we will have a relationship...he said he'd have to be tested first. Then in the next sentence denied the relationship again! WTF How can you admit and then deny...Whatever. It's not they think we're idiots...it's that in MLC they really are idiots. Too much blood to the wrong head.

As for being around the house acting as though it's still home...well it is. But you;ve got a Drop-In. I posted an excerpt about Drop-in, droplet and drop out categories from Sally Conway's (Jim Conway's wife) book Your Husband's Midlife Crisis I recommend the book, but you can check out the excerpt on my thread post date: 11/08/06 12:41 PM

I think you’ve got the right idea about detaching…early-on you mentioned detaching from the emotional rollercoaster. And that is how you should think of it…It’s the emotions not the person you want to detach from.

Keep posting and trust you will have readers…even when there are no responses. You can even see how many reads your thread has overall on the main forum page.

HUGS,
RCR

RCR,

Thanks for your words. I've thought about getting the Conway books, but haven't yet. I'll order them later tonight. I go see H in about an hour for the business.

I hate the lying and I am somewhat emotional right now. I'll get my act together though before I see him. He called once more today, a business issue, and know he stalled for a little bit to keep me on the phone, but I got off as soon as I could.

The hard part will be to act normal, as he doesn't know that I know that he went up to WI to see OW. I know he stated overnight. What he didn't I can't say, only speculate. Although I knew he was still talking to the OW, I had hoped he won't see her again. It's been a month since he was last with her. I guess you're right. I think they feed off each other. OW only been divorced for like a year maybe, and she lives with her daughter and son-in-law. For my H, she's the only person he has to talk about our relationship with. He refuses to see a counselor, and he's not talking to his sister, brother or friends. The all think (and have told me basically) that he's an idiot.

As for sex, I don't want to share him with anyone, like you. I'm torn though because that was one of his complaints about me, and someone told me their counselor had recommended they have sex still because of this. I am seeing my own counselor, and he recommends I do what I feel like doing.

X-mas will be hard. I know I have to stay away from him as much as possible. I am wondering though, do I get him a gift for X-mas or not. Or do I just have something on hand in case he gets me something (long shot since I didn't get anything from him for our 20 year anniversary or my birthday) except flowers maybe. Something I read mentioned we shouldn't give them gifts, but it's hard not to.

I guess I'm hanging in there. I just need to learn to control my feelings more when I'm around him. I try to detach, but when he acts like he wants to be with me its hard. When I get pissed off, I try to watch what I say, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I want to make him hurt like he's hurting me, but I can tell it doesn't seem to work. Maybe it does, as some things I've read indicate it does, but he doesn't act like it. I guess I still have some anger with him I need to deal with from even prior to his MLC here. Who knows, it might have been the pre-lim to his MLC.

I feel sorry for my son, since he blew him off this afternoon. He hasn't said anything, but I know it has to bother him, as he's spent some time on his own on the truck.

Thanks for the advice and support. I like tiggers also! Good luck in your situations.

Well I cashed out with H last night. We talked about the business, but basically avoided touching each other. I tried to be around him as little as possible. I can't say I was in a happy mood, as he kept bringing up things needed for the business, and finances for it are tight right now. I just don't want to have to invest more of our (his/my) money in it if I can help it.

I sometimes wonder how H can act so normal after being with OW. I'd feel guiltier than hell, and I know it would show. I sometimes feel like he expects me to ask him about it, so he's can start an arguement and tell me I'm making things up again.

He left shortly after my sister called. I didn't even look at him as he went to leave. This morning he stopped by, said he forgot the deposit book. I was suprized to see him, but I found a way to dis-appear quickly.

I know detachment can work. I've seen it to some degree already with H. I just not sure I'm doing it right, as I feel like I have to believe I'm totally on my own now, as if we were divorced, and I don't want to be with him anymore. It seems so counter productive to where I want things to be. I need to read up more on this I guess.

H comes over to watch boys tonight while I go to volleyball. I wonder if he come/leave while I'm there, or not. I plan on doing some shopping tonight afterwards, to minimize the time I see him. He'll probably leave before I get home, since he always has stuff to get done. He always makes it sound like he has so much to do, and the only thing he has to worry about his his-self. Given what he said this weekend, he can't relax at the house or his place (relax - like do nothing, watch TV, etc... per his words). He appears to only be able to relax with the OW, in other words given I know where he went to relax!! Pisses me off thinking about it, but I needed to vent it here so I don't bring it up to him.

OK - I get home and H is here. Made pizza for boys supper. I'm staying away from him but why is he here? He was just with the OW this weekend - I told him to leave me a lone already. What do I do? He seems to be ignoring me also.
I don't understand him. What the hell does he want, let alone want from me.

I realized on the way home that some of my anger is because I keep forgiving him, and he keeps hurting me. Hope long can I keep forgiving him?

Got to go.

WAH husband called last night while I was at the store shopping. We talked about some business issues, and the upcoming Xmas dinner with our business employee's on Sunday. I told him I bought a new dress. He asked how long it was, and when I said it was just below the knee's he said, he'd hoped it would have been shorter, as I have great legs. I laughed - and thanked him for the compliment. Anyway, he ended up asking me to meeting him for drinks and dinner (just the two of us). I agreed. We
had a fun relaxing evening together, and he even came back to the house (although he told me I had to ask him to come over if I wanted him to), and stayed all night. Something he hasn't done since he moved out. I wasn't expecting him to stay, and I half expected him to get up and leave sometime during the night, but he didn't. I didn't get my hopes up though, as I've seen his demeaner change after being with me. I got up first and started doing stuff around the house. Once he got up, he left pretty quickly, but he did find me to give me a kiss. When I saw him at the business a couple of hours later, he was nice, but distant. I expected as much, and just remained causual with him.
I came to the conclusiong earlier this week that in order to detach, and given I know this will take time for my WAH deal with his MLC, that I'll just treat him like a friend.
I'm also not going to let myself get my hopes up too much when things seem promising, because I know it'll be a long haul yet, as he needs to work through his feelings. He did thought tell me he still loved me last night, but I already knew that, and have known that. He's been the one that's had to figure it out. I'm not assuming he'll be back home soon, be I strongly believe he'll be back some day.

I will admit I checked his cell phone this morning while he was still in bed. He hasn't called OW since Nov 24, so maybe he didn't see her last weekend. In reading the book "My Husbands Midlife crisis" by Sally Conway, she did mention that at times the MLCer needs to just get away briefly to relax, and to let them. I can only hope that his what happened last weekend.

Well, I got things to do. I plan on getting my Xmas tree up tonight. I told H that last night. (Although I've noticed that he doesn't always remember things I told him from one day to the next. From what I've read, this isn't uncommon either for a MLC'er.) If he shows up to help, he does, otherwise I'll do it myself with the boys. He knows where we are, and it's his entirely his decision when he wants to be with us.

Anyway, it been a good week. He's come by more often than I expected, and I've just been pleasant, but not demanding or expecting any affection from him. Last night was a bonus, but as I said before, I'm not getting my hopes up like I use to - but it is encouraging.

Had Xmas dinner with employee's last night. WAH came over to supposedly change clothes before leaving for the resturant. I'm not sure he did though. I bought a new dress for the occassion, but WAH never commented on it. We ended up driving to the resturant in separate vechiles as we needed to cash out at the business afterwards, and I needed to change clothes. WAH never even suggested going together. Not unexpected, but I was still disappointed.

Anyway, I admit I let my disappointment get to me. As WAH
was leaving for the night, he gave me a quick kiss, and then was in the garage doing somethings. I went out to see, as I half expected he was taking something else to his apt. Anyway, the drinks I had got the best of me, and I asked him if was willing to work on our relationship yet.
WAH told me he loved me, and as long as I was "nice" to him, he wanted to be around me. When I wasn't "nice", he didn't care to be around me. I asked for clarification on what I wasn't being "nice" on. Basically it came down to the fact of how I talked to him sometimes. I will admit, when I'm disappointed, it's hard to act happy, and not let some of your emotions through. I guess I come across to him as argumentive and accusing during these times, even though I'm not arguing with him, or accusing him of anything. Sounds like I can't have a bad day around him, and must always be the happy perfect wife that waits on him hand and foot.

He told me his place is spick and span clean. Anyone want to speculate on what he thinks of my housekeeping given this? He even told me he just picks stuff up and puts it away as walks past it. OK - then tell me why he could leave things laying around for 2 months and never put them away when we lived together. All you had to do was look at his office and garage - by a long shot, the two most trashed rooms in the house, yet I'm the loosy housekeeper. (Sorry I need to vent since I couldn't do it last night with him.). Not to mention the few things he's taken out/used when he's been at the house and not put them away, just this past week alone.
Instead I get his big issue of me not going through the mail daily, and sometimes leaving it on the kitchen table talk. For some reason this really really bugs him. His trashed office and garage don't, but me leaving mail on the kitchen table for a couple of days does. I've never understood that one, and I don't think I ever will.

Lastly, he tells me, he feels like I'm controlling him. When I ask for clarification on that, it's because he can't just take off when he wants to do what he wants. I causually mention to him, that he can do what ever he wants when he wants, since he moved out. He say's no he can't because of the business. He thinks I have this freedom though to just go do what ever I want when I want to because I can go shopping when ever I want. What the hell! No I can't. Anyway, I said, no, I have the kids to constantly think about, and my shopping trips are ususally planned to get something specific. I don't just go to shop for fun, I don't have the time.
I then mention that I just gave him last weekend off to do what ever you wanted. I didn't ask you where he went (at which point he gave me a somewhat weird look), and that he decided yourself to work at the carwash on Sunday, I said, if it bothers you that much, than pick some type of arrangement where you have certains times free that I just know and I'll deal with the car wash. He spent a lot of time thinking about this, but didn't appear to want to do this either. They really make no sense to me - but what am I thinking - he's going through a MLC. Most of what he does, doesn't make sense!!!

When I asked what else he felt I was controlling at -he said there wasn't anything else.

The discussion went much better than I'm explaining it. I didn't voice what I really felt, but tried to listen to what he said, and respond in a non-accusing way. I know there are things I still need to work on and I told him this. I unfortunately couldn't say what I really felt, nor that there were things he could work on changing also, as that would have driven him back into his cave again. I didn't want that, especially as we were talking about our R, which he's been avoiding up til now. Anyway, he did come over to me afterwards, and kiss and hug me for a while before he left.

It's encouraging, but also frustrating. Some things that go through my mind during and after these discussions are:
Will my WAH ever really feel that some of this is his fault? That he's not perfect and does have some faults also, not just me? Will we ever get to a point where I can mention or point out where he has does some of the things he accuses me of doing or not doing, and not be accused of lying or making things up? Will there ever be a point where I can talk freely and openly, without me worrying about how he might take or react to what I'm saying?

Maybe I should change my handle to the "need2benicer2WAH".
(Need to be nicer to WAH)?

BTW, no he didn't come over to help put of the Xmas tree, and he still hasn't mentioned Xmas plans of any sort. I'm torn between waiting to see if he asks about Xmas, or if I should ask him, although I keep leaning towards waiting to see if he asks, or indicates he wants to spend Xmas with us or not. Any thoughts on this anyone?