One of the things I relish on this board is reading about so many long term wives who find themselves absolutely blossoming, despite their heartache. It's heady stuff, becoming an individual again!
It hasn't been quite so heady for me since I went through the metamorphosis at the end of my first marriage I lost myself for a while in the second, but soon bounced back - in that way at least.
As you always say, still some sorrow and may always be, but a life full of good things and good times and good people.
And the fact that we are still in touch with the sorrow at times means we aren't practicing denial and avoidance like them, but are healing from the inside out. They try it the other way round but that's never going to work is it?
Have a great time, but you are the world's best at getting the enjoyment out of every situation!
Much love
Jayxxxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
I must confess, my happiness is very adolescent at times! The wildness of nature, and the physical challenge of the walk, tend to make me skittish ,and with a few other like minded souls we do laugh and joke and fall about the hills in mild hysteria at times. I am sure I am in my own form of MLC! Such childish reactions at times. But that also good as life seems more real, due to pain been through ,and relief when some happiness comes. But at least I hurt no-one by it, rather we do cause a bit of amusement NG and I are clear we have suffered from past painful R issues, so we now have a very warm,caring but non-serious R ,based on our mutual love of walking and mad sense of humour. This does not make it easy but at least we know where we are. We help each other along the path of self esteem and confidence. I can imagine it is harder for you, some steps and R's along the way.Not easy!
I am sure you will,some day soon meet a really amazing guy who will truely value you.But it will be up to you whether you take that way or not.
We will see!!!
Up really early tomorrow, to Tribunal about 2 or so, hour's journey, then into England and In Laws! It is hard for me,sleeping in the bed H and OW use on the rare occasions they stay over. In laws are very caring if obviously partial. But M in Law and S in law very happy to see me. I will try to have as good a time as I can.
Calder, There is absolutely nothing wrong in enjoying the relationship that you have w/NG. You both a very wise adults who have been hit extremely hard w/relationships that have had some failings in the recent past. Enjoy the time you spend w/each other for it is helping the both of you to enjoy life and not sit home sulking about the entire mess.
Enjoy the time you spend w/your inlaws. They truly love to see you and I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself no matter what.
BTW, you've become an inspiration for others who need to see that we can go on and enjoy ourselves while our spouses, ex-spouses are still wallowing in the pits of mlc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Drive carefully and keep safe. Sleeping in that bed can't be easy!
Yes, my journey has been harder in some ways, but easier in others, like happily living alone because I had been used to it before. The hard bit is about retaining optimism for other relationships I think.
I do feel more ready than I have ever been though, and am enjoying getting dressed up and going out feeling good and relishing the odd bit of flirting.
You and R have it right I feel. Shared interests, fun and mutual caring, without being too heavy. Sounds just right to me! As Snodderley says, enjoy, enjoy.
Lots of love
Jayxxxx
PS You have said a couple of times you thought you were in MLC. I think it's just that you have been in a sort of transition, that's all. You are now an individual for the first time in nearly 40 years and it's heady stuff. And rejuvenating.
That's how it was for me when I was in my late 30s, and what I meant about it not being as heady an experience this time around because I had been through that metamorphosis then. Although I did have a similar but less strong experience after R dropped the bomb. Even though I was distraught, I was no longer wife and stepmother but ME again.
I recently posted a quote to LR which bears repeating here:
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly" (Richard Bach)
That's what you are doing, spreading those glorious wings you never knew you had!
Jxxxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Hi Snodderly, Thank you so much for your wonderful support and validation! Well you were right.. I had such a great time with my in Laws I do feel they love me lots and I them.
Mum In Law was just lovely! She is 95 now,but has all her marbles, despite Parkinson's.
We chatted ,and she was so pleased to see me.She goes from being happy to sudden sadness,for instance saying.."It is as well your Mum is dead as it would have broken her heart what happened." I know she grieves over the split, and S i L says she just cannot understand why it happened.. Mum says H talks highly of me,and is so glad I am getting on so well.She asked if I was still "stressed" . I said not that but still grieving the relationship, but getting on in my life.
She knows of ,and approves of NG, as do my S and B in law.
Tho I explained we were not "serious", keeping it light etc, they have extended a very determined, and cordial invitation to us both to visit, stay and walk in the lovely Lake District! So it all went well!
The Tribunal was very taxing one, on a mistaken point of the law, but the other two members were just great guys and I know one from before,he is just so clear and laid back! We worked so well as a team and got the thing sorted to everyone's satisfaction! I left on a total high, and that has continued!
In laws and I got on well! They loved seeing me so cheerful and well looking! We were just laughing and chatting the whole time. I been walking and chilling with NG too, last two days.Total mad fun in the rain and rivers and bogs!
A bit sad as will not see him this weekend. I have my 60 th B'day with the boys and their G/Fs and NG has his bro's B'day too. He is taking me out to celebrate next Friday ,when he comes through for the weekend.
Did I say that oldest S has said very clearly he would like to meet NG and younger son said so too. So has close friend, keeps trying to invite him.
I am leaving all that just now, as a bit heavy.It does not feel like meet the family time yet, but it will come if we are still seeing each other, in good time.
I will visit my other B and S in law soon, they also are lovely, but completely different. They have never forgiven H for his lies and forcing OW on to Mum and blaming her for asking to meet. Plus there are a few sibling issues from the past making it heavy. They are all for me however, as we have always got on well. So I am feeling very family centred and cared for at present, while knowing H and OW do not have that happiness. I feel very blessed.
Oh! I nearly forgot, I got a birthday card from H, a funny one, with" love from H" and 4 kisses.
Thank you for your lovely supportive, helpful post!
Well do you know it really did not bother me as it did last time sleeping in that bed.I just slept quite well! Still feeling one of the family, and not missing H as he now is, much as you describe with R. Well ,info gleaned from In laws is that OW is very intense, keeps trying to ingratiate herself with them, and Mum. I told them about sons and G/F responses. Of course they say OW is too heavy about it, and being obvious.It puts them off ,from what they say. They also said they stayed with H and OW in their house which is VERY noisy and in a very rough area of the city.They did not like it ,and S in Law wondered to me how H ,who loved the countryside all his life, could be happy in a crowded ,noisy corner of the city.They also wondered what he would do when he retired in a year's time, as he has given up all his old interests..and OW who is younger than him, intends to work on.
I did not ask any questions about H, nor was I critical, other than saying I no longer contacted him, left him to contact me, as I had no need to be in touch,and it was best to have no contact as I ended up hurt ,as he could be so unreliable, not reply for weeks,or keep promises, so unlike the guy he was. S in Law agreed. They just spoke and said what they felt, and I did not comment much.I said I keeping things friendly for boys etc.
I did hear that H has had dental problems recently. He had root canal work, and developped abcess, very unwell for some days, on anti-biotics.However he did send that birthday card.
Well ,yet again his health has been chancey, while so far I remain horribly fit and healthy.Noted by In laws. I bet they mention it to H from past experience.
Thank you for your thoughts about my present feelings! I think you are so right!
It is a revelation being my own person, not indebted, and responsible to no-one.
I worry less, am not anxious as I always was, no longer always looking for approval, but just doing what seems right to me and usually it works, and folk respect me,on my decisions and actions.
My friends see me as I am, and they and family know I am reliable, and always there for them when needed.. I am responsible for all of my life, work and home, hard work at times, but I can manage it, and proud to do so. As for NG, he is just so good for me.
He is so totally different, the opposite of H, and it is a completely different, independent relationship. He is quite a quiet guy, while H is very articulate.Quite a challenge for me. I play it by ear, but we just get on together in a mad kind of way.
A close friend of us both from the group ,was laughing at us as we joked and bantered together, saying we were " both such sad ,mad folk.. but that's why you get on so well together!" ,as we are so different in every other way.
That is "sad " in the sense of pretty daft humour! You know, punning , and such like. We both have emotional baggage and are aware of it, so keep it light and gentle, and not intense. It is an escape ,a fun thing for us both.
I do at times find it hard. There is the feeling of wanting to run back to an intense, close ,committed,secure, familiar type of relationship.But I know this is not possible.It is a fantasy. We are both wounded,vulnerable.
Neither one can rescue and hold the other, as we both need the rescue.
So we quite literally ,walk and run together through the heather , across the rivers,and over the rocks,laughing and being happy together, and knowing we are there for each other, when needed.
Because it is so.. we can hold back and not make emotional demands of the other that would not be fair, could trigger hurt or fears. We are running on making good vibes. How long it lasts does not matter so much, but the joy is that it works so far. Yes of course at times I fear the end of the relationship, say if he is extra quiet, slow to reply to emails or texts. I can panic for a bit, feel a need for security. I know he does at times ,similarly, as if I back off a bit, slow to reply to his emails, etc,he gets very polite and hesitant. But then nothing nasty does happen ,and we meet and are just happy together. You have been here before, as you say, but it is new to me. It helps having him in regular contact, by texts,emails during the week, as I do still get lonely at times,but much better at enjoying my own company, now less afraid of it..
I am much more relaxed and confident chatting with other men at work, and socially now.. A boon from having so many lovely pals in the group, as I used to be so timid..
You sound to be in a great place now! Enjoy the flirts! We will see! I think there will be someone stepping out from the shadows, and taking your hand, in the forseeable future.. and I know he will be a great guy! Meantime you are having a good free life!
I hope your daughter is OK...I know how that must trouble you,cause pain.
Already you have saved her,done so much,cared so much, but for our children, we will walk fire. Thinking of you,
A lovely card and present from In laws today.. I was in tears!
Sent an email to H also thanking him for his card and wishes, and speaking of his mum and hoping his abscess healed.
Letter also to lawyer re separation and H's proposal to remain married and settle that way, leaving me part of his pension and the widow's pension. Asking to stop separation plans.
Been in limbo for a year anyway.
Out tonight for super meal with sons and G/Fs. Been seeing friends, out for meals,shopping last two days of my leave! Good!
Coastal walking tomorrow, after wild wet windy hill walk on Wednesday!
I look forward to it.
Frost and snow forecast tonight!
Glad I drained all water out of old motorhome, and put battery on charge!
Also cut back branches that were hitting my window in the wind.. scary! Altogether a good day. Some hard tasks done in good time ,and a nice lunch with my girl friend! I am good at looking after myself and my things now.
Hi Jay, Thank ypu for your post! No, I am not getting a divorce. H wants me to give up the formal financial settlement and separation plans. The separation is not necessary anyway, and I do get a better deal by him paying voluntarily, as he has done, but I will ask for a contract or such re the pension in case he does change his mind, or OW gets control and does.
He just wants us to stay married ,and he will pay me as present.He says it is the best deal for me.Guilt driven!
I get to stay in the house only splitting money if I sell it, and he gets only a proportion of it anyway.I can stay as long as I like.
He seems to want to hang on, tho fully with the OW, and lots of his stuff is still here. It does not worry me at all. I can get a D if I need to later, and not lose out. Not easy..But Inlaws said that he is afraid of Alzheimers like his Dad..
I think he assumes he will predecease me, and wants me to have the widow's pension from his work which is a good index linked one. I have no doubt he still likes me ,and cares, He wants me to be OK financially as he and OW both have big salaries and pensions and I do not.. So, will see! I will have a super evening thank you and will take care! Have a great evening yourself!! Love N hugs
I had a super meal with the sons and G/Fs last night..It went so well, we all enjoyed it.. The meal was great!
4 more fans for Chop Chop!
Great coastal walk today in sunshine ,but cold wind.
Lots of super birthday wishes too from the mad rabble! I suspect they are up to something.I will wait and see.
I got back to voicemail message left by H to say" Happy 60 th Birthday" to me.. Also he had got my email thanking him for his card. He then asked me to phone him. I think I may, as all contact has been initiated by him for 9 mths, or probably more. He sounded a bit quiet and gruff, but so do most folk on voicemail. I may phone tomorrow night.
I got lovely cards and presents from family and a beautiful Ortak pendant from sis in law.. Quite unexpected, but so kind after such a lovely visit. I feel quite secure now in my place in the family.. no longer on the fringes.
Having a quiet evening after the social whirl!
I am glad my 60th is now over.. it was great.. and I will get my free bus pass next week! I don't feel any different at all! Still as mad and cheeky!
My social life still ten times what it was with H! We do get second and maybe third chances..When we are ready and able to accept what surprises life puts in our way. Just give thanks and go with the joy of living now, not defer it!
