TL and Aud, Thanks so much for posting to me. I guess I really do need to work on me. As far as I can tell, the A is over. H is here with me and our kids. Instead of looking for what is still wrong, why can't I be grateful for what is right? Several months ago I would have given my right arm to be where I am today.
You are right Aud, I have been given a fresh start. Things between us will never be the same, nor do I necessarily want them to be.
A lot of the problem with our lack of intimacy is actually logistics. H gets up at 3:00 a.m. for work, therefore he is usually asleep by 9:00 (if not earlier) - his job is very physically exhausting. Kids also go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 so we do not have alone time at night. As you may or not know, we are having a heck of a time keeping S5 out of our bed at night. I can bring him back to his room a dozen times a night but he always ends up with us. I work at least 3 nights a week and usually don't get home until after midnight. Anyway, not to bore you all but between work and kids we really can never find 2 minutes to be alone together. I guess I will have to work on that too.
I know it's hard...all of this is. I guess my point is this:
You already have the upper hand. It's up to you to do and learn the things that will make you feel more empowered as a woman, as yourself. When you can feel that way about yourself, then you can focus your attention on finding ways to reach out to him. It may take some serious creativity and mind-stretching, but you can find ways to work with your circumstances. It's your choice--let the circumstances tie your hands, or use them to your advantage.
Sometimes I have to just sit and brainstorm. See how many crazy ideas you can come up with...waking for a shower at 2:30 a.m. or setting up a little "breakfast party"...the sillier the better. The more out-of-character, the more likely you'll find that 180 that you both need.
I know how you are feeling and I know that fear of rejection I know the thoughts that go through your mind BUT... Stop worrying about him saying "why now, why not before"?
I got this line too and told my H the truth. I want to make him happy and I am willing to learn how.
The bonus was that I didn't realize how much I would also get out of it too!!
He is home with you.
So with that in mind what about your 180's in the bedroom?
What have you done to get yourself and him more in the mood?
New lingerie, a Brazilian, oils, music, candles, lotions, potions?
I throw these out there because I started doing these for my H also and am really enjoying the response and he is really starting to enjoy me again.
I also found a couple of great websites that have lots of ideas.
I send my Husband text messages with suggestive messages.
What can you do?
Men are very visual!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I posted this on my thread last week. It's an email I sent to a close friend about my struggle with H with affection and feeling rejected. I'm making some progress on that with good results. Goes back to the attitude discussed last week. Maybe there's something here for you:
I'm making progress with my issues. You've always been the best teacher! I'm realizing that what the sermon said is SO true in my life. I've been blaming J for years because I havent felt desireable, wanted and needed, but there was nothing he could do to help me with that. The problem isn't "J doesn’t desire me". The problem has been "I, Sheila feel undesireable, unloveable... (fill in the blank)!" Now I know my focus is to figure out how to take care of me. I can say to J "I'm feeling insecure. I don't feel loved. I don’t feel desirable or pretty" That takes the pressure off of him to do something, but I think it also makes it much more likely that he'll step up comfort and reassure me. It also focuses me on my problem and challenges me to figure out how to fulfill my own needs. If I'm feeling unloved, chances are I'm doing something that is unloveable or wallowing, or not being loving to others myself.
I'm not trying to project my insecurities on to you. There is often a very real problem of two people who need to connect more for the relationship's sake. J and I are dealing with that too. But my personal problem hasn’t been wanting certain things to make the relationship stronger. I wanted J to provide them to build me up as a person. That has to come from within. I have to be able to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. It has become much easier to approach him with my needs as I grow to love myself and tell myself that I'm loveable. How many times have you said that we need to love ourself before we can love someone else?
In our talk last night, J confirmed that it is much better when I tell him directly what's going on with me and what I'm feeling. Believe it or not, I've kept silent with him about my deepest thoughts and feelings. He called me on it not long ago and said that he needs to be my confidante. I was denying him something important.. Information.. Truth. I didn’t trust him to listen and understand. And if I did talk to him, I usually put the burden of my feelings on his shoulders. Silly, silly girl. Things are much better now. And yes, it's important to speak up.. To take care of ourselves and to be fulfilled.. To be close to our God. It is also important to keep trying to connect with the pepole we love and not be fearful when they aren't ready, or unable to meet us halfway. Rejection became the monster in the closet for me. I assumed that.. Why get burned again. I've also learned that just because the outcome wasn’t good yesterday, doesn’t mean it won't be good today. We can only get good by putting good things in.. By living the truth. I have lost so many years not understanding that. Work with what ya got.. Every single day and do it fearlessly. God wants to bless us and will if we continue to share the blessings and gifts he's given us with others and to do it unselfishly (to not keep score). I have been very selfish and self focused. Unwilling to share my blessings and gifts unless I could expect equal in return. That is not my purpose. I need to love myself first, but that is just the beginning. I have work to do..love to share. Maybe it's time to trust the Lord my life and be more of a blessing to others. What you send out comes back.
Mama, I realized that I was needing the intimacy from my H to fill me up and reassure me that he loves and wants me more than OW. Any time he was cold, distant, or uninterested I assumed he must be thinking of her and regretting being with me. The change has come as I've slowly believed that I'm the best choice for him. That I'm desirable long term and she was just desirable for a little while when we had problems. When I started living that truth.. that I'm desirable, loveable and started acting like that person, honestly, things began to change. I think he stopped smelling the fear! And truth be told.. I think as much as I thought he was thinking about OW, my silence and brooding over our lack of intimacy probably made him wonder if I was thinking about his R with her too.
Hey Mama! Just dropping by to let ya know that I'm keeping check with you.
I know it's a struggle, darling....but trust that someday soon you WILL get that reassurance that you are BETTER (duh) than OW. Right now, I still think it's hard for him to talk about, let alone admit. I still think he's dealing with a lot of guilt, and he needs to work through that. So, don't take it personally.
BUT...the issue of intimacy remains. Hmmmm, logistics is really tough. You seem to mention that you both spend a lot of time on weekends together, with kids. You also mentioned that your neighbor is a really good friend, who is also Married? How about you and neighbor make a pact to do babysitting for each other? Every Friday (or whatever night), you switch off to watch each other's kids. That way you get a "date" night with H. If you make it a sleepover....then WHAM....you got some action. At least it's a few times a month, right? I think it also takes the pressure off, oddly, b/c you're both already planning it, looking forward to it.....you can both take turns planning the date nights for each other, like a surprise.
Just a thought....maybe a new tradition with the new year?
Just my 2 cents here ,, have you read the book Passionate Marriage?? It is fabulous...
I had similiar issues to the ones you are feeling and this book helped me so very much.I also was worried it would not seem genuine or why now or even WORSE this Woman has lost her mind,, I bought the book before the bomb and as we have been reconciled for @ four months now,, I find myself reading the Highlighted parts every now and again. It helped me to be more comfortable with myself and then in turn you feel so much better when you are ML it feels more natural and not Rehearsed or like you are trying too hard.Or being fake. I also remember reading that God sees it is a blessing when you share yourself by ML with your H and really truly being intimate.( I am pretty sure I read this in this book)< and when I read that then it changed alot for me.I know maybe I sound like a commercial but the book was really life changing for me....
It really helped me to grow and just feel more beautiful in the bedroom,, ((((and Heaven knows my H had OW too,she was 11 years younger thanme and a size 0 and I am not so you get the picture ) and so I think it takes a lttle extra work to find our Beauty -----that we have inside-------- again. You are a beautiful , worthwhile Human Being and he is with you,,,,, work on finding the beauty you have in you and remembering how special you are !!! .....there is after all only one you . I think Grasshopper has this book too. Maybe you could ask him and see what he says about it.. just my two cents but I felt like I had to respond to you cause I have felt all the things you are feeling ..... You can do this honey,,,, Take care and God bless...
First off, I have always been a little nervous about revieling too much personal information about myself for fear that someone, even OW, would be on this board and figure out who I am...but I cannot resist...my name and yours are the same
Quote: Mama, I realized that I was needing the intimacy from my H to fill me up and reassure me that he loves and wants me more than OW. Any time he was cold, distant, or uninterested I assumed he must be thinking of her and regretting being with me.
This pretty much sums it up for me. Like tonight, I was home before everyone went to bed. H was very tired (he gets up super early) plus he had to take D9 to her school orchestra concert. I could not take off and told him how much I appreciated that he did that (trust me, listening to 4th graders play instuments is grueling). Any way, when he went to go to bed he just stands there so I get up and give him a hug and a kiss on the neck. It's like I am kissing a mannequin. After I tuck in all the kids, who happen to go to bed at the same time as him I go in our room to remind him of tommorrows schedule since I have to work. I then try to kiss and hug him again and he just lays there, won't even let me near his lips.
Let me tell you, this hurts me deeply. Enough for me to consider being a WAS. I work in a bar with plenty of opportunity. I obviously won't go there, but at times it is tempting.
I remember when H and I first met. We couldn't get enough of eachother. Every night and every morning (usually multiple times), even if we had friends over we would sneek off and "do it". I realize now that this was the infatuation stage of our relationship but how could it go from that to this? Nothing? We are two young and healthy people, I personally do not want to spend the rest of my life in a R with a coparent/roomate. No thank you. Any ideas?
Hi Always, I have definitely missed you, glad to see you here.
Quote: ....but trust that someday soon you WILL get that reassurance that you are BETTER (duh) than OW. Right now, I still think it's hard for him to talk about, let alone admit. I still think he's dealing with a lot of guilt, and he needs to work through that. So, don't take it personally.
I really like your perspective on things because you always seem to see it from H's side. H does not want to talk about the A (in fact he still denies it) and definitely doesn't admit to anything. I am sure that he feels a lot of guilt and doesn't want to hurt me. Because he is such a loving person I also think he is having a very hard time hurting OW. I do not know who broke it off with whom but no matter, he misses her - this I know without him even telling me. The fact that they work together bothers me a little but I am learning to let go of that.
A date night would be good. My friend/neighbor, althouth the same age as me, has much older children therefore there would be no babysitting tradeoff. On the other hand, my brother has a 2 year old so I might have to work somehthing out with him. The problem is; because we both work 6 days a week, we really have a problem with not spending time with our kids; Catholic guilt I guess, but never the less asking someone to watch them so that we can have a romp in the sack seems very selfish.
It looks like I an going to have to get really creative.
I have Passionate Marriage, but find it very difficult to read. GH and I have been on this board for about the same amount of time so I feel like I have a connection to him. He strongly reccommends this book as does Oldtimer, his mentor. I guess I am just plain stupid because I tell you, it is kind of over my head.
I do feel pretty good about myself, although I have put on some of the weight that I lost in the LBS diet. I am now working on that. This time last year I looked damn good (not to sound conceited), but my H had absolutely no interest (OW was more interesting). Now that I sort of have his attention I weigh 10 pounds more. For someone that is 5 foot tall, that is alot. Damn!!! Anyway I am working on this because I personally do not feel attractive if I do not like myself.
Thank you all for sticking with me (did I mention how much I love this board?)
And truth be told.. I think as much as I thought he was thinking about OW, my silence and brooding over our lack of intimacy probably made him wonder if I was thinking about his R with her too.
) and so I think it takes a lttle extra work to find our Beauty -----that we have inside-------- again. 
You are a beautiful , worthwhile Human Being and he is with you,,,,, work on finding the beauty you have in you and remembering how special you are !!!