Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again What to expect...part two (OT, Betsey , need ya)

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I will give up any expectations I have of things between us getting better.

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Is it possible for you to just give up expectations in general, be in the moment and choose your thoughts? I am finding that I am much more relaxed when I focus on this. If he calls, fine. If he doesn't, fine. When I start thinking of some way he has hurt me, I choose another thought. Something that makes me FEEL good.

It IS crappy that we have to fight so hard, but it is what it is. Hang in there--time is your ally, and though it seems like you've had way too much, tomorrow will still come. How do you want it to look?

)))))))))

(((Mama)))

I'm so sorry, sweetie. It's so hard. Especially when things were going well for a while there, and BANG. I guess for us on the MLC forum, it's more like "so, what horrific thing is NEXT?"

I have no idea what it might be. I think it's a lot of things. I think it might be withdrawal from OW. From that entire style of life. From the guilt of what he did. He's clearly avoiding it with you, wanting to push it under the rug, but he can't do that himself. Just imagine, if you feel low about yoruself and the choices you make you project anger and engaging in a healthy sex life with your W is gonna be pretty hard.

For me, getting that passion back is not having that crap between you both. When things got back b/w H and I, our sex got really mechanical, sporadic, which was not usual for us. It did get good again when H was out of the tunnel, but he still had issues b/c of his A (which I had no idea about at the time). It affected how close he could get with me.

So, again, this has little to do with you, and more to do with H. He's still working on figuring things out, working his way back home, and away from his previous "life." He's still working through forgiving himself.

Just cause I love ya...I'm gonna throw back at you something you wrote on my own thread this week.....I think no matter how much you say you are through, you still want this and you want H, you care for him. You're hurting now, and we can ALL relate to that.....the world of hurt here is horrific.

So, why not take a step back from the pain, the both of you. Stop "trying" for a while and give each other a break. Maybe, since he's being open, tell him "you know, I regret and realize that our sex life before this, for the past few years, was not very active....I accept my part in that....I would like to work on changing that, but I realize that it will just come naturally as it did when we first met and that now, we're working on larger things, like rebuilding our R, emotionally and physically. Just know that I DO desire you, would like to work on it, but let's let it be spontaneous."

He's feeling pressure to "perform" and make you feel wanted. He is right, in a way....his being home is wanting you. He's working through a LOT of other things he cannot admit now that is preventing the rest, but he feels he's being made to feel that his efforts are not good enough.

Just let him know that things now are good....that you want to make it passionate and great, but are willing to work on that slowly and TOGETHER. That you are happy for all that he has done to change so far (coming home early, not going out to drink). Validate that.....not just in notes, but even on a whim, when you're passing by him or watching TV....tell him "this is nice, spending time with you, glad you're here....I love it, than you, it means a lot."

This is SLOW, mama....you have been ready for a long time. Your patience and growth has been in teh works for a year now. He is just starting.

So, happy Thanksgiving sweetie, to you and yours. I will be thinking of you. I remember us both in this journey long ago, and look at where we are. You are doing so well! You have come so far!

Always, thank you so much for posting to me. You always know how to get me out of my funk.

Yesterday was really tough. We didn't speak on the phone all day. I so badly wanted to call him after S5's skating lesson but resisted the urge. When he came home (right on time) son and I were out front, he just looked at me, well more like glared and went in the house. We didn't speak at all and I stayed in a different part of the house. He asked me about our refinancing and that was it. When I left for work he didn't even respond goodbye. It was so hard to put on my happy face and deal with people all night.

I brought him home a sandwich, like I always do when we are out of lunchmeat, to bring for his lunch today. He was asleep when I got home, I went into our room anyway and quietly woke him to let him know, he said thank you several times and good night. I wanted to talk more but left it alone. Glad I did, cause I usually make things worse.

I came here and read A14's post. Wanted to leave a note for H but decided against that also. This morning I was really hoping he would have left me a note but he didn't. I have to work today until 5:30, kids are off from school so I am farming them out to friends. H needs to pick them all up so I want to call him about that but he is a grown up so he doesn't need me to remind him.

I can't believe everything I have worked so hard for has blown up over mashed potatoes! Really I know that wasn't it. What might have happened is this; H went rollerblading after work on Monday and then did some errands, he was gone for 2-1/2 hours in which time he could have been talking to OW, who knows, maybe that is why he was in a bad mood. In any case, Thanksgiving has now been ruined , we are spending it with my family - yipee - how to act like everything is ok when it clearly is not.

I wish H didn't feel this way. In fact, because I almost lost him this year it made me realize how much I do love and care about him and how much I do desire to be with him

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in which time he could have been talking to OW, who knows, maybe that is why he was in a bad mood. In any case, Thanksgiving has now been ruined

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or he could've been indeed running errands, and nothings has to be ruined if you don't let it, enjoy every single day of your life, he might need loads of time to get out of whatever funk he is in, so in the meantime fight for a PMA, I know it's hard, but we must remember to detach and live one day at a time, I do hope you enjoy your time w/your family on Thanksgiving, you deserve it.

Mama, I second what Cat said. So freaking what if he was "rollerblading" for 2.5 hours and COULD have been f--king three different women in that time. If he was, then he's much more of an a$$hole than you know and you don't want him anyway.

So what if he COULD have been talking to OW. Maybe if he was he was having the "last" convo with her for the 17th time. You don't know, nor should you care.

I have been thinking this idea for a long time and I can't really figure out how to express it but I will try.

To me, when you reach this point of the "reconciliation" I think one of the things we LBS's have to do it take a big "fcuk it all to hell" leap of faith and just trust the sitch. At this point, he left, then came back (if only figuratively) and seems to be working on things. He SAYS the right things and is now seeming to put his money where his mouth is. I think now it's your turn to just take that leap.

If he turns out to be a liar, then he does, but to just go along second guessing all he says and does is not doing either of you any good, and the sad part is there is not likely to be some magic bullet that gives you 100% assurance that all is right in Mama-ville.

I made that choice long ago and shortly thereafter, things started to get better. I don't know if I knew I was making the choice but I did. I chose to risk exposing myself to this person who hurt me so deeply before but you know what, not exposing myself (um, probably poor choice of words) seemed to me more of a risk. Staying in limbo, one foot on the side of "she's still a cheating b!tch" all the time was hindering my efforts. Was there reason to suspect certain things? Sure, maybe, but that was mostly, if not entirely in my head. Once I got out of my head, and into the moment, again, risking sharing that moment with HER, I found out that my real life was much different than the one in my head.

Mama, you may be hurt by this man again but right now, you are using the sword on yourself, what's worse? Put the sword away, you can still use it if you have to, and just start living a different life than the one that is SO wrapped up in what he is or is not doing.

I guess what I am trying to say, similar to what a14 said, is give it a rest. You have poured your heart into trying, now pour it into living, taking the leap of trust that if you simply start living once again, your H will join you eventually.

Keeping a constant eye out for what may be, what is not, and what you expect is slowly dragging you back to that dark place. Go towards the light Mama. Afford yourself the luxury of believing in something again, and that something is YOU.

GH

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a big "fcuk it all to hell" leap of faith and just trust the sitch.

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such gentle words, that GH

So true, and here again I see Indiana Jones in the temple of doom lifting his leg... shutting his eyes... and stepping into a void where he knows there is a path but which he can't see at the time.

Sorry, maybe I could have chosen different words but I really wanted to underscore the power of making that choice, and how much of a risk it is...and isn't.

Mama, you've done the work, now reap the rewards, not the rewards you expect but the ones that are coming your way now.

Appreciate what you do have. Take that risk to believe in what you do have and that it won't be yanked from you tomorrow...really, how could it be when what you have it truly of your own making and nobody can take that away from you!

GH

You people must think I am psycho. One minute I'm up and the next I'm down. I really see a pattern here. Maybe I should be medicated - could have nothing to do with my sitch and everything to do with me and my raging, perimenoupausal hormones I will need to look into this more.

In any case, I cannot stand myself like this. My H has been doing all the right things. He does come straight home from work EVERY day, he doesn't go out drinking anymore. We have fun together. So....I just called him. I wouldn't be able to function at work without clearing the air. I apologized for being so selfish, me-me-me. I told him that initially his note hurt my feelings but then I realized that I hurt him for years (his words). He kept saying forget about it, it's ok. I said just hear me out, I told him that I do appreciate that he has been here and doesn't go out anymore. I told him that after everything that has happened this past year I now realize more than ever just how much I love and care about him and want to be with him. He kept saying, thank you, that is so nice, we will be ok, don't worry so much. Then talked logistics about the kids and T-Day. Short convo since he was really busy but at least I feel better and can go to work without all of the anxiety.

Talk about a rollercoaster, I am my own personal ride

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends!

hon, you are not psycho, because then it will mean I am one too, one day I'm just counting all the negatives and seeing what I don't have and hurting, the next the hormones/blues whatever gremlin gets in my brain leaves me alone and I feel better, or I run here and read some uplifting posts!

Not much to post. Turkey Day was very nice.
H hasn't been able to sleep the past few nights. I asked him if something was bothering him or on his mind that was keeping him awake, he said no. I left it at that. I am taking everyone's advice to get out of my own head. If he cannot share with me what is bothering him then oh well...I won't even go there and start making up scenarios in my head, cause that will just get me all worked up.

I have to work today so kids are going to my brothers and H will pick them up on his way home from work. I am not going to obsess about what time he gets there cause like GH has so eloquently put it "who the F cares", I cannot control what he does or doesn't do and I will not let it dictate my mood.

I am very grateful for so many people and things in my life, I don't need any negatives to bring me down. I am choosing to be happy this upcoming year, no matter what life throws my way!