Quote: While my H was involved with OW he flat out told me that he wasn't attracted to me. That hurt alot and I cannot forget that he said it, even if he no longer feels that way or doesn't even remember saying it, that seems like a huge barrier for me.
I have heard this too - but the fact is that it's their reflection in your eyes that they're not attracted to. Don't take this as a permanent thing - once he's in a better place, he'll see you differently too (unless you become what he's made you out to be!).
Quote: Talking dirty...that is just not something we do/did. I am uncomfortable taling about sex at all. We are both kind of shy about it.
Practice makes perfect! Maybe this is a 180 you should try - this might bring out a side of you that you don't even know exists! The more you shy away from things the more inhibited you become - explore, experiment - wake him up a bit.
Quote: Maybe he is truly happy just being friends and anything else turns him off. If that is the case I'm afraid we are both headed for a very unfulfilling life; one of which I really have no interest in having.
Have you really tried everything else yet?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Well, I'm here to say that my hope has been deflated..stomped out almost completely.
I work 3-4 nights a week and most of the time I do not make dinner. My H comments that all he knows how to make is hot dogs or chicken nuggets so tonight I decided to have dinner ready, even though it was a little early, he could heat it up when he was ready. He came in from doing errands literally as I was walking out the door. He acted pissed off that I made dinner. Made a comment about the mashed potatoes, something to the effect like aren't we having those for Thanksgiving.
I left upset. I called him on my way to work, D9 answered and I hear him say "jesus!, tell her I'll call her back" so I hung up. I called back once I got to work (no one was there yet) we talked and I asked him why was he so mad, he acted mad yet said he wasn't (yes, he is passive-aggressive). I am hormonal and frustrated and I said if you have a problem why don't you just tell me. I feel like I revolt you; you don't want to hug or kiss or anything. He said "We are good, it's as good as it's gonna get" I said, "really, this is what you want? To be married to a roommate, you are not interested in any other kind of a relationship" and he said "I don't know..." which pissed me off! We are about to refinance our home so I said maybe we need to rethink this before we sign anything cause if this is the extent of our marriage I don't think I want to go on. He said, "we're fine, don't do anything drastic" Mind you, he has said this before.
I came home early (we were slow) and I feel like I am done. I have thrown down the white surrender flag. Game over. I feel withdrawn, I am just going thru the motions now, I have nothing left to give or to fight for. I caught him looking at me a few times while we were all watching t.v. After I tucked the kids in he came to me and gave me a hug (I feel he is trying to pacifiy me so as I don't do anything irrational).
What I have decided to do is go ahead with the refinancing because that will help reduce our debt. I will take on more hours at work, which I agreed to tonight. This will prepare my kids for the day when I won't be able to be with them 24/7. I now have a new goal. It is not to save my M, that is obviously over, it is to be independent financially. I will work as much as I can and start a secret savings account for the day when I can up and leave and be able to take care of my kids.
I am not a bad person, in fact I am overly nice to the point where people tell me I am a doormat. I am not beautiful, in a magazine sense, but I am not ugly. I care about everyone I meet and would never intentionally hurt anyone. My kids are my world. I want them to grow up confident in themselves and not settle for anything less than they deserve. My ego has been bruised and battered one too many times this past year. I am letting my expectations of a renewed M go.
I left note for H that I am done fighting for our M. He doesn't want to talk but has led me to believe that as far as a husband/wife relationship there won't be one.
This is the note he left me "I am here for the family. I'm home early everyday, I don't go out and drink anymore. I love you and I love my kids more than anything in the world. I'm sorry but no I don't have the desire to be with you most times but don't fool yourself you don't have it either and that's how its been for many years. Just because I get in a bad mood somethimes and I'm sorry I didn't care much for the dinner don't get on my case about it."
So there it is in a nutshell I'm sorry but no I don't have the desire to be with you most times but don't fool yourself you don't have it either and that's how its been for many years.
Coming back to this site to work on my R seems kind of useless now. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I thought that working so hard for the past year would help, clearly it hasn't. If I would have agreed to a divorce when he asked for one last winter I would have already been working on getting over him and building a new life for myself and my kids. Now as it stands it looks like I am trapped in a marriage with a man that no longer wants anything to do with me other than to be a roommate and co-parent.
I'm so sorry you're upset, and want to give up. I understand. I think this recent development with H is part of his withdrawal from OW - and he can't see himself in any other role with you as a result. Give him time - focus on your own goals (and yes, I think your financial independance is a great goal - even if you find reason to work things out with him in the future) and let him recover from the depression he seems to be going through. He seems to be resentful that he's doing what he thinks is required of someone that loves his family and provides for it. He's growing and leaving behind some of the luxuries and excitement of a more youthful life. Eventually he'll begin to see the fun you two have together as exciting - right now it just doesn't compare to the affair he's given up. Remember, real love vs. excitement - that's where cheating spouses get confused - don't go there yourself. Do whatever it takes to have fun yourself - GAL, focus on you, but continue to love him. No pressure. Even if you're heading towards the big D, you can do these things, but you're keeping the door cracked open just in case. . .
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: He seems to be resentful that he's doing what he thinks is required of someone that loves his family and provides for it. He's growing and leaving behind some of the luxuries and excitement of a more youthful life. Eventually he'll begin to see the fun you two have together as exciting - right now it just doesn't compare to the affair he's given up.
He does seem a little bit like a martyr, doesn't he? Like look at me I am so good, giving up my wonderful fantasy life for our family. He places all the blame on me and makes me feel bad about myself as a result of it.
He won't go to counseling or read books or talk about any of this with me without getting pissed off and defensive. I wish he could see that the loss of passion happens in ALL marriages when you are trying to juggle a career, small kids and a home. Sure, I know I rejected his advances more times than I can count and our sex life prior to the bomb was less than ideal so I am not making excuses. What I do think is that now that the kids are older things could improve, but alas....he is no longer interested. I cannot compete with the OW
What baffles me is how our sitchs are reversed, what if your H (like mine) wouldnt' be able to tell you he loves you but he would enjoy sex w/you, how would you feel? My H hasn't said ILY once, but has sex w/me, would you settle for that? Would you be willing to ask him how you both can work at finding romance and intimacy again? what if he'd agree?
I know the depression cloud had to lift before we had a semi-normal SL, took him about 4-5mts for him to initiate sex.
Regardless, it is good you do plan ahead, don't regret this year, because you prob at some point would've given anything to have this chance had you divorce last year, when our Ss are away we all just want that one chance to try again.
My prayers your way hon)))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
One of the first points in DB is that people think they know the future - just because something isn't a certain way now (or vice versa) doesn't mean it will be that way in the future. Just because he's not interested now doesn't mean he won't be in the future. Furthermore, don't let his feelings dictate yours. He IS being the martyr - and he must feel like he gave up a whole lot. Just because it was all fantasy doesn't change his experience of loss. Try and find some compassion - even if you want a D, just see him as a human who has lost something dear to him.
He's maturing, and either he's going to have to accept a lot of truths about marriage, or he's going to pursue this fantasy he has throughout his life with many partners. It's his choice, one you can't impact. It seems like he's chosen the former. He may not understand or accept all of the implications yet, but he's started down that path. Give him time to get his bearings, to observe his surroundings and make his own determinations - he is exploring new territory, and that's likely why he is defensive when you talk to him. He has given up a way of viewing the world and has to find a new one - one that will likely match yours more closely - but he seems to need to do this on his own before he can talk to you about it. But I think there's something you can learn from his experience - I think there's something you can add to your view of marriage that came out of his experience. You seem very focused on the sex aspect, so maybe this is an area that you want to grow in. Maybe you can explore this side of yourself and bring more excitement into the marriage (because that's the "love" feeling in an affair - the excitement) by changing your habits. But not too soon, and not necessarily with him initially.
He wants things to improve, otherwise he wouldn't be here. What's the saying about believing none of what you hear and half of what you see?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
So, for now I guess I just let it all go. I will give up any expectations I have of things between us getting better. I realize he feels like he gave up so much in order to stay in our family but I am sorry, I don't really feel like being the booby prize.
