Well I am not sure if I should get a kick in the butt or not.
We did end up comunicating in the last week. Not about what I thought we would comunicate about or how I thought we would comunicate but it was comunicating and it was good.
So I still need to initiate meaningfull talks and we still need to be able to set a time aside for ourselves so its back to kick me in the but next week if I have not made any progress.
I hope you had a good week JJ and I apreciated your input.
I learned things about myself and about my wife. I guess something I learned about my wife is that she has let me back in her heart. She wrote in a post about stuff that happened a week ago that I broke her heart. That made me very sad. But it also taught me two things about her.
1) If she is expressing anger at me it is probably because I hurt her feeling "Broke Her heart". Learning this will help me do a better job of seeing past her anger and trying to understand the situation and respond to the situation rather than the anger..... More thought needs to be given to this.....
2) If I can break her heart that implies that I am in her heart and that love exists. A part of me has known that. I know she cares for me. It just that she is unable to express her love to me in ways that make me "feel" truly loved. So although I hate the fact that I had to learn this in a negative way it is nice to know.
Maybe its more apropriate to say I was in her heart all along but she had so many protections in place she could not see me in there......hmmmmm...
I learned something about myself as well:
I have spent ten plus years suppressing my needs and feelings. Then the last couple years actively Dbing. Teaching myself not to be sad if I don’t her an I love you before leaving for work or not hearing an I love you in response to me saying it. Don’t worry about her wedding ring. Not to be sad and down over not having physical intimacy. Act-as-if, build good will, don’t be sad, stay busy etc... Cover up, protect, defend, hide my feelings and needs.... keep things stable..... Be happy.
I guess I am coming to realization from the anxiety I feel at trying to initiate relationship talks with my wife.
Also from last weeks incident that hurt my wife were I said I was in bed rather that on this BB. She was half asleep I was half asleep and with out conscious thought I covered and protected.
So another thing this teaches me is if I have these sorts of protections in place my wife must as well.
So what ever metaphor you want to use Brick Wall, Layers of an onion. We both have protections in place that have to be removed.
I guess the first task is to try to see the layers of protection in myself and try to understand it. Then I wonder if there is not a corresponding layer of protection to be found in my wife..?..?!!!
Well I guess I am falling into the "Onion" analogy rather than Brick Wall's. So... If Layers of protection must be pealed off I guess it will be easier to take them off on layer at a time One of mine and then the corresponding on e from my wife.
So what will it be, what is best? Each of us in turn layer by layer or some sort of massive Catharsis. My bet would go towrds the layer by layer with ocasional times where multiple layers will be removed and I would guess there will be an occasion where a layer of protection will be put back on at times.
Well this got rather long and introspective. THis was a good week. I feel closer to my wife as a result of the events of this week and I believe she feels closer to me.
Kent, JJ, Kaw, I appreciate you input and insight.
Lily, Glo, Rachel, Zebra. I learn so much from your threads it’s amazing.
I really enjoyed the time that I had with my wife this week. Spent a few minutes one morning just laying in bed talking about the day its amazing how a few minutes shared can give me the warm fuzzies all day.
Tuesday my wife worked untill 7:00pm. So I fed the kids sandwiches at there desks while they did there homework and made a nice dinner for my wife and I. We had a nice candle ligh dinner in the dining room and were able to visit. Gosh I enjoyed myself kids were being babeysitted by the TV and we had close to 40 minutes of relaxed chatting and sharing.
We both worked long hours at work and at home this week but we still managed to have a few minutes of quiet time together. Did not have any big heavy talks just time together..... it was good.
We have a date set for Saturday night. We enjoy movies but... There is little interaction. Maybe a quiet dinner and a few games of cribbage would be better.
Things are nice enough between us that its hard to do the work to move us even closer. Its so easy to just leave it alone. We will never be like were were as newly weds and thats ok. But I do want and need to be closer...
"Things are nice enough between us that its hard to do the work to move us even closer. Its so easy to just leave it alone. We will never be like were were as newly weds and thats ok. But I do want and need to be closer..."
Although it may "feel" that you are doing "nothing", I think that what you are doing IS actually bringing you closer, one step at a time.
DON'T SCREW IT UP BY TRYING TO RUSH IT!!
"its amazing how a few minutes shared can give me the warm fuzzies all day."
Remember this. Trying to figure out what day, and which hours for the "us" time can be damn near impossible. Take the moments, and make them count
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Not rushing it is good advice. I am a bit project oriented and will by my nature will work hard on a project and then move on and forget about it. That is not a good metaphore for working on improving a marraige and its a mistake I have made in the past.
Get it to a comfortable level and direct my energy back to work.
A major change / chalange for me is to be able to live a balanced life. Juggleing time for me spiritual/physical , time for my wife, the kids.
It seems that I can do great in a couple of the areas but will neglect the others. I think if there were one skill that would improve my life the most it would be this ability to maintain a heathly balance is all of these area's.
Good area for me to workon in myself
I apreciate your input JJ, Have a wonderfull weekend.
Had a nice weekend! Worked on a house project with my wife on Saturday, We worked side by side all day and were so tired at the end of the day we both had shakey muscles. We went out to dinner and had a nice time. We finished our project later in the day than we would have like and were tired so our nite out was limited to a nice dinner and then pick up the kids and headed home for some much needed rest.
The best thing about the weekend was the hugs. I am not sure what happend but the way my wife is hugging me back has changed. Saturday we shared a hug and wow did it feel good. She was really there "snuggled-in" with her head on my chest. It was like we had an exchanged of warmth, It was an almost unatural heat that formed between us and then spread.
Had another great hug Sunday as well. Its strange how a simple hug can be so differant and so fullfilling.
***************************************** She was really there "snuggled-in" with her head on my chest. ***************************************** More than anything else, it comes from the way you use actions to show how much effort you are willing to put into reconciling/reviving the R. I hope your doing stuff you can sustain. All the changes need to be permanant.
Hi Kent you are correct and I apreciate the question.
We have a huge burden on us having two houses and we have been remodling both. One in preparation for sale and one that we are living in. We are both looking forward to having these projects done.
The jist of your question should be am I living a balance life now that is sustainable. The Answer is no. I am not doing what I need to at work. I am coasting and have been for a year. So I do need to put more effort back into work.
I Think I have a better handle on my own demons that have led me to excess in the past and like I shared in an earlier post my ability to keep a balanced life is own of the most important things I can do for my own health and the health of my marriage.
One of the things that I need to quit doing is helping others on this board especialy in the newcomer section. I should use the time that I am spending in those activities on work. I have gained alot of insite from reading and posting to others but I really need to curtail this activity. So that I can give more of myself to work with out taking away from my wife and family.
I also am working at being better at delegating tasks at work and not feeling like I have to do everything myself.
Last week was another good week on the relationship front. Hugs and kisses are becoming a little more lingering. We have even had a little sex oriented teasing and banter. The reaction from my wife on the teasing and her participation was different than it has been in a lot of years. There was no trace of disgust or bad negativity. All nice signs and good baby steps.
But.... I know this will sound weird coming from a guy but the thought of us sharing physical intimacy scares me.
In the past physical intimacy has triggered some very bad emotional reactions in my wife. Distancing, emotional shut down etc...
I enjoy my wife very much as we are. But lack of physical intimacy does leave me feeling like there is an empty space inside me and us. But I would rather live with this emptiness than hurt my wife or jeopardize what we have.
I saw a link to a website the other provided by the author that wrote His Needs / Her needs. One of the topics was on what called Sexual Aversion Link to Topic of Sexual Aversion
Reading this gave me a lot of good information and I may at some point try to implement the healing technique as outlined in the article. It also helped raise my awareness and I have been looking for other information on the topic.
For now I am making an active decision to not pursue Physical intimacy with my wife until such time that I am certain it will be an emotionally beneficial to my wife and to our relationship.
I read a book last November called the Five Love Languages. I learned a lot form this book. One of the things that the book did for me was to help me understand my wife and myself a little better.
My Wife's Primary Love Languages:
Acts of Service Quality Time.
My Love languages: Physical Touch (Pat's on the back, Hugs, holding hands, etc and sex. Words of Affirmation Quality Time
Our love languages our very different. Once I understood her love languages I got very busy, Cleaning the House, Painting, Running errands, fixing things... It was as is my way of saying I love you and still is.
But yet there is an imbalance she expresses her love for me by doing things for me. I take her acts of service and in my head I translate them into her saying I love you.
She has never understood my need for physical touch and words of affirmation and I never understood why she was so upset over not cleaning or painting.
So anyway to make a long story short I gave her a copy of the book a long time ago and she did not read it. She finds reading very difficult. Yesterday I went looking and found a copy of the Five Love Languages on audio tape. I plan on giving it to her in the next week or so.
I am hoping it will help her see some of the problems we have had in the past in a new light and maybe we can work together to speak each others love languages in better ways.
Well this got rather long and I had better get back to work
