Well it’s nice to be here creating a post in this forum.... Whew.... If anyone told me 20 years ago that marriage would be this much work I would never have believed them.
But there is nothing like marriage to force us to face our own imperfections and demons. (I had lots of both and still do ) I think the people who find this site and make the decision to work on there marriage have great courage. For in working on there marriage they must find and face there own imperfections and demons. In this process those that are successful also become more forgiving and tolerant of there own imperfections and those of there spouse.
I have not created or posted to my own thread for approximately 7 months. A lot has happened in that time!!!
It took along time for me to come back. In part because I was soo busy repairing my marriage, Trying to be a good daddy and an effective employee It was also painfull to come back and have the memories of the pain that I felt durring my dark time resurface.
So this new thread will be for me to share what has gone on in my marriage as many of the trials and tribulations and success that I can remember.
Maybe others can find value in my story. I guess in a way I also want to find a way to help others buy sharing about myself and my marriage and provide links to resources that I have found valuable.
I feel a great debt to this site, to Michelle and to so many people that helped me by posting to my threads or by posting to there own threads where I could learn from them. I want to give back and hope that in some small way I can benefit others. ( mostly by sharing my mistakes )
My marriage is not perfect there is lots that can be improved and I look forward to getting advice from others and the different views that an outside party can provide to my marriage.
HI ERIC!! It always makes me feel so good when I hear that someone's M has started healing and is getting better!! My H and I had been married 32 years when things just kind of went "sour". I think it started when we got "too comfortable" and started taking each other for granted. Then before we knew it,we had stopped communicating. Then it felt like we had lost control of things and just simply didn't know how to stop the drifting apart. The really sad thing was that my H decided that someone else could give him what he felt I wasn't. Instead of talking about what was happening with us,he sought escape with another woman. Thankfully it didn't last long (ER 6-7 months and PA 4 months ..thank God she lived out of our state!). We sat down and had a very long (overdue) talk when I discovered the infidelity. I am so thankful that the love we had shared all those years was still there and he didn't love this OW. He broke off the A and we immediately started working on us! He assured me that it was NOT my fault he cheated but I know that I had to assume part of the resposibility for the condition of our M!!
Marriage had never really seemed like a lot of work up until we had trouble. Then the work really began! The infidelity was deffinately a "wake up" call for us!! It scared him and it scared me to think that we almost lost each other!! It has not been easy and it has take a long time for me to start rebuilding the trust. I forgave him in the beginning and to be honest it was really not a hard decision to forgive.I simply loved him too much not to forgive! The hard part was learning to live with what he had done and trying to trust in him again. After 32 years of complete love and trust,to have it destroyed like that was hard to take!! It has been a year and a half since I discovered the A. We are happier and more in love than ever. It took BOTH of us working on things to make it right. Yes,it still hurts when I do think about the A but the pain has lessened over time and now it is more like a very sad memory that a harsh pain.
I firmly believe that infidelity can be forgiven. I believe that if the love is there,problems can be worked on and can be fixed. I believe that people can have a loving and enduring R if they work at it. It's not easy and it takes time but the end results is well worth the work!!
The very best to you and your W!! May things continue to get better and better!! pfroglady
Your Husband is a very very lucky man to have you.
I had an affair myself about 10 years ago. It ended very ugly and I did a lousy job of dealing with it with my wife. The pain stayed in my wife and poisended her for eight years when she fist asked me for a divorce... Its a long story and I plan to get around to sharing it here in the weeks to come.
Gosh I bet I set a record in how many mistakes a person can make in a marriage and still be married. My wife is a very good lady and I am very lucky to have her.
Thank you for sharing your story. There is much I want to hear about it. My H has just given up the OW and writes notes to himself asking, "What, if anything, makes me a good person?" Because he's hurt so many people. If you could share something about your process after the affair, I'd appreciate it.
I look at it this way..we are human and humans make mistakes. The thing is that we should accept responsibility for what we do and try really hard not to make the same mistake again. You can't continue to "beat yourself up" over your mistakes and people shouldn't continue to "throw your mistakes in your face". I made it a point to never bring the infidelity upm whenever we do have a disagreement. Even when the pain was new and extremely bad,to use that in a disagreement would have served no purpose.
My H sometimes thinks about things differently from a lot of men. I sometimes wish I could "get inside his head" and see what he is really thinking !! He tired to "explain" why he cheated but then said that there is really no excuse for cheating! He did try and explain what he was feeling at the time and that was a big step for him because he has always had a hard time talking about his feelings. He is also the kind of man that has the ability to put things away and never talk about them again. He says that you can't "forget" things unless you stop talking and thinking about them. While that may be true for him,I have found that it helps me to talk about what happened. And in some strange way that helps the pain to lessen more and more. He did discuss it whenever I felt the need even though I knew he didn't really want to. Now I really don't feel the need to discuss it with him . I feel I have all the answers I really need. Now I hope that by talking to others and discussing things that maybe it will help someone else going through the same thing. All I know is that it also helps me.
Eric,you sound like a guy who really loves his W and is very thankful that he has her in his life. She sounds like she really loves you. I don't think that when someone cheats it means they love their partner any less. I know that there are people out there who continually cheat and in my opinion they don't know what true love and commitment really is. I know that there are a lot of people who just can't forgive infidelity and there are those who will be bitter for a long time. I wish that everyone who goes through this could have a happy ending but the reality is that everyone is different and everyone has to deal with their problems their own way.
So "HANG IN THERE"...don't worry about your past mistakes,just don't repeat them!! And don't dwell on them either! You can't live in the past...life's too short!! I am rooting for you and your W..you are heading in the right direction..keep it up!!
Welcome to the Piecing forum. We're all human and stuff happens. I'm sad your wife and you had to go through all that the two of you have experienced. You give us hope, though, that we will also find the trust, the dreams, the love, that go w the rebuilding of a stronger, more healthy marriage.
I had not shared this site with my wife and in a way was hiding it from her. Big Mistake she felt and new I was hiding something and thought I was having an affair. She came to me in great anger and Pain last night.
I can be very stupid!!! My wife is mostly very critical of me I rarely hear please and thank you's. But critisisim and belitleing words do come often. There are times when I wish I were a stranger or an enemy to her so that she would be treat me at least that well. Its amazing how nice and apreciative she can be with strangers.
Anyway I did not share my interaction with this site for a couple of reasons. One I guess is fear of her belittleing words and two this is a place of great openness that can be done in part because of the anomonus nature of this site. Much of what is on here is in a way a person journal.
She asked wy I was sharing with people on this site and not with her? This was a great guestion. The answer lies with we feeling emotionaly safe talking to her. It would help if she was not so full of prickles and critisisims. But really what is needed is my own detachment and being in a positiion of wanting her but not "Needing" her. I have to be able to risk being open and transparant to her even if it means being vunerable to being poked by her prickles.
It is odd how it can be easier to visit with a stranger or a friend and share inner parts of ourselves, but not be able to share with a spouse. For me I guess its because the opinion of a stranger and critisism does not wound because I care so little what they think. Yet my wife can slice me open so quickly because I care so much for her.
I crave and want so much to have her look at me with admiring eyes full of welcome. To have her proud of me. It comes back to my own struggle with low self esteam and relying to much on the reflection of myself from others as my source of self esteam.
It is this craving for admiration that fuels my constant battle against being a work-aholic and is what fueled my affair.
So anyway I shared this site with her last night and took my lumps. I do need to be emotionaly vunerable with her and transparant so that I dont make her relive the painfull feelings of distrust from my affair.
I will not be posting much today I feel hung over form lack of sleep. We finished talking late last night and I had trouble settling my emotions in order to sleep.
Just read your post Eric. I hope that your W learned something when you shared this site with her. I am interested in her thoughts. I told my H about this site and he asked me why I thought I needed it. I do feel I can talk to him about anything and I can and do open up to him. But the thing is he really wants to put the A behind him and he feels he can't do that if he continues to have to talk about it. I too want to put it behind us and I am doing so but this place helps me do that. I can share my thoughts,feelings and ideas with people who understand,have been where I have or they are there now and they truly care.
I think it is hard for a lot of men to express their inner most feelings. I know my H is one of them. He has always had a hard time discussing feelings. He tries and he has tried even harder since his infidelity. That helped me a lot that he was able to sit down and tell me exactly how he was feeling at the time he did what he did. It's good that you are trying to talk more to your W. I am not condoning your A because I know first hand how horrible the pain is when you are betrayed. BUt I also know that it is possible to forgive infidelity and in time the pain does lessen and you can move forward in your R. If you are truly sorry for what you did and you are showing her you can be trusted and that you will never hurt her that way again,I hope and pray that she will finally find peace inside and can truly forgive and move forward.I wish you both the very best and if she needs someone to talk to see if she would be willing to post here. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. pfroglady
Sorry for what you had to go through last night, sounds like it was rough, but it also sounds like a huge step for you to open yourself up like that as well.
I also want to thank you for being there for me even though you're dealing with your own issues, I admire that tremendously. Your advice has really helped me in the last week or so, and I really do appreciate it.
If there's anything I can do for you, just ask, I will offer whatever help I can in my present state.
and still do ) I think the people who find this site and make the decision to work on there marriage have great courage. For in working on there marriage they must find and face there own imperfections and demons. In this process those that are successful also become more forgiving and tolerant of there own imperfections and those of there spouse.
)
!! He tired to "explain" why he cheated but then said that there is really no excuse for cheating! He did try and explain what he was feeling at the time and that was a big step for him because he has always had a hard time talking about his feelings. He is also the kind of man that has the ability to put things away and never talk about them again. He says that you can't "forget" things unless you stop talking and thinking about them. While that may be true for him,I have found that it helps me to talk about what happened. And in some strange way that helps the pain to lessen more and more. He did discuss it whenever I felt the need even though I knew he didn't really want to. Now I really don't feel the need to discuss it with him . I feel I have all the answers I really need. Now I hope that by talking to others and discussing things that maybe it will help someone else going through the same thing. All I know is that it also helps me.
