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Just a short vent... it was such a mistake to tell my mom about this situation!!! I thought I needed the support and owed her a reason why I've been so distant lately, but it's making it so much worse. She starts crying every time I talk to her, and wants daily updates on how things are going. Uuuuugh. Anytime I mention something positive it's met with her totally dismissing it and wanting to know all the ways H has hurt me since we talked last. I try to change the subject but she won't let it go.

She never admitted ANY responsibility in the problems w/my dad and also never really dealt with any of it, and now I think she's reliving it all through me or something. I didn't think it was possible but she's actually making the situation worse with her negativity and anger. She can't seem to stop herself from 1. ranting about "b!tch face" (EA/OW) and 2. bashing my dad. every.single.time I talk to her, and after repeatedly asking her not to. I think she wants me to be suffering worse than I am or something. Now she's trying to time our meeting up for the concert tonight so that she doesn't see H, and convince me to cancel the big family Thanksgiving completely (it's one of the few things coming up H and I are working on together and looking forward to, other than the OW trying to invite herself). Great... <sigh>. What a mistake.

Any suggestions are welcome of course but I mostly just needed to vent.

Nikki-

Sorry that telling your mom hasn't resulted in the support you needed. I know what you mean. My mom means well, but occassionally she likes to turn sitches back to her (not D or anything, just in general) and sometimes she says the most unhelpful things. Just remember that her main hangup right now is loyalty to you and she isn't realizing that she isn't acting in your best interests. Let her know that she isn't being helpful and you prefer to approach the sitch differently than she suggests. Reread the section in DR about unhelpful relatives for additional advice. Sometimes we just have to get things off our chests.
I have a BIL who is so mad at my H. It's been almost 2 months and he has managed to avoid my H so far. We do a dessert bar for t-day and invite both sides of the fam over and I really think BIL is going to skip this year b/c of H. Sad, but he needs his time to process and heal as well. And I guarantee that if H and I stay together, sis and BIL will need to get counseling to work past this betrayal. They are fiercely loyal to me and are afraid to do/feel anything that is seen to them as disloyal. It's all about love.

I know you were just venting. Just wanted to say that I can emphasize. The important thing is to continue your plans w/ H for t-day. Julie

Gosh, now I hope it was in DR- it may have been DB. Anyway, talks about sitchs like yours w/ you mom and mine w/ my sis. 'luck! Julie

Just a short post before bed...

I still think that you haven't totally messed up. Yes, it probably wasn't a good idea to "bash" the OW, but you did use his own words and luckily he did recall that. Plus you appologized for your outburst. So don't fret. You just need to be more focused on your GAL because if this OW can't be with her boyfriend anymore, she may move on to yours more persuasively- hopefully not.

Also, my H was in his PA for about 7 months so, your 6-7 months is almost here (from the time he had the most feelings for her as you stated).

In regards to mothers... I told my mom about our problem (she had gone thru the same thing, she didn't go bashing my dad though but she did give me some bad advice like kicking my husband out of the house which I wish I had never done) Well, I told her that it didn't have anything to do with her, but me so that I could keep my mind focused on what I needed to do, which consequently meant I would not be talking with her by phone or in person. It was easy since I live in another state, but we used to talk at least every other day. She hated this totally, but did understand. She still tried to call a few times to ask a "question", but I kept it brief. I also told her if she needed to get in contact with me, to email me.

I told this to my H's mom too and my siblings. For me, I needed as much alone time.. meaning time without distractions and "helpful" advice. I needed to figure things out myself and it's also easy to start bashing our H's when our family/friends are doing it or encouraging it, and that will not put us in the right frame of mind. It's good to let things out, and that's why I love this site. No one is encouraging each other to bash our Spouses, but to just let us vent and then move on to DBing.

Why don't you have your mom read the DR.. I had my mom, and she had a new perspective on her R with my dad.

have a good week guys.

Just wanted to pop on and tell you I'm thinking about you. This does suck. For me, I was the one who cheated in our relationship and everyone has told me to cut ties with OM. I can't imagine having him over for dinner - unless I wanted to set him up for a huge confrontation! LOL You are a stronger woman than I am - but I have to ask..... is it disrespectful to you, that he wants her around still?

Also, about the agreement thing - my DH is doing the same thing. Telling me I'm only with him because he's comfortable, he's the father of my child, etc. = but I don't agree with ANY of that as a reason I'm with him.

I sat down a week ago and wrote out what I love about him - not just those things, but so much more. It's in a small journal notebook thing - and I left it on "his" bed...

He said thank you, that I didn't have to do it - and later told me that he so wanted to come into our bed and tell me everything would be ok. But he didn't.

Just this week I made him a "card" (good thing I was working at work HA HA - this thing took all day ) and CD's with songs that remind me of us right now....again, thanked me for them and said I didn't have to do that.

I just keep telling him - well I wanted to -- or just not answering that at all.

Anyhow, not to take over - just wanted you to know we're thinking about you, pulling for you and hoping for the best.

Hi Julie - I realized I have DB not DR and didn't see it in DB - so I will have to drop by the library or bookstore and see if I can find it in DR. Thanks for sharing your experience too!

I may use this opportunity to try and "fix" our Friday night this week actually. The last several weeks H and I have planned a "Date Night" together on Friday - the goal being to spend some alone time together doing something FUN and not focusing on any of this stuff. Unfortunately it seems to be backfiring - every Friday I get home excited to go out, H gets home acting all depressed and dark, and we end up having the same ol' discussions. This started around the time he finally figured out I'm never going to be "friends" with OW and told him that she's not invited on our dates (if he wants to cancel fine, or if he wants to plan a group outing instead that's fine, but the "3 of us" is not OK anymore). I think it's either somehow a way of "punishing" me, or he's honestly that depressed about not going out with her. I dunno. I guess in some ways that's putting pressure on him which is kind of "un-DB," but I had to put up SOME kind of boundaries because I just couldn't take it anymore.

Anyway... this Friday, I've decided if he comes home and gets in 'that' mood I'm giving him a choice. I'm going out and doing something fun - if he wants to come, great, if not, seeya later. If he decides to go it'll probably be dinner and a movie or something, but if he decides not to I'll hit the bookstore for a coffee and find the DR book!

Of course, me going out separately opens the door for him to go to EA/OW's... <sigh>... and it's why I haven't done it before. But I'm starting to feel like that's better than us spending another night dwelling on the same issues with no changes.

Hi Stilltryin - thanks for the post! Yes, I am really working on editing myself and biting my tongue before I say anything about the OW. I definitely need to focus more on the GAL side of things - I am almost obsessed right now with "fixing" the R, and I know that's not healthy.

I do have a lot of hope on that 6-7 month mark coming up too, and the fact that he seems to be getting kind of tired of dealing with her. Although he went there last night for dinner while I was at the concert...<sigh>... so I can't get my hopes up too high. It's frustrating that every GAL activity I can think of means being out of the house, and every time I'm out for an evening he sees it as a perfect night to go spend time w/her (but of course he's just "having dinner at a friend's house, what's the big deal?" ugh).

Thanks for the suggestion/sharing on your experience with your mom. She managed to keep from bashing anyone (H or my dad) last night, so that was good. I'll see if I can get her to read the book too - good idea. I think I'm going to avoid telling any other friends or family unless it gets to a point where we really have to. It's just not helpful!!

Tomorrow's our first counseling session - I am so nervous but boy do I hope it goes OK. She was recommended by Michele Weiner Davis via the DB site, so I hope she's good. I told her that H was pretty reluctant to go, and she said her approach is usually really appealing to men because she's very goal oriented. I hope so. We really need some extra help right now!

Nikki,

I'm in a similar boat: my wife has supposedly broken it off with the OP, but admits that she still talks to him and that she still loves him.

(This is ostensibly an "emotional affair")

I really made a mistake and got my hopes up upon the second (and I thought definitive) break with OP because my wife even mentioned the possibility of us working things out.

She had earlier pushed to have me meet said OP, as if, as you've said, we could be "one big happy family." A very, very strange dream...

Now, after the "ending" of the affair, I feel like I'm in a weird kind of limbo - after partially detaching and getting OK with that, I've been drawn back in by some hope and don't really know what to do other than continue the whole DB thing about not pressuring, etc.

So I think I have an idea of how you feel.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to be more guarded with my hopes and expectations. As so many people here have shown, this is a long-haul kind of thing.

Good luck.