I didn't expect quite so many responses. This was all a very personal decision and I didn't reach it without falling into many of the pitfalls along the way. I too felt terribly lonely and attempted dating a few times but it never felt right. I went to church allot and spent many hours alone by the water thinking and journaling. It helped me to see what kind of person I really was and what my responsibility was in the whole mess. I accepted my share and sought and received forgiveness for my transgressions as I forgave her for hers.
Never have forgiven the other man, probably never will. I could use some colorful adjectives to describe him but lets just say he isn't a very nice person or a well person, (alcoholic).
I live my life as if she is still in it and important to me. Sometimes I email her for more than a dozen times before I get a response. Then the floodgates open and she (not the alien) comes forth. No begging, pleading, blaming, ILY's or anything like that. Just day to day stuff of the kids and my life.
If she had said stop I would have and waited. But she never did. Every situation is different. She could have met a great guy that would have loved her and been a great partner and I probably would have been out of luck. If you really want it all you can do is try. She still isn't home yet so I'm not counting my chickens yet but at least she knows she's wanted and will be treated with love and respect.
You must learn to become very observant almost clairvoyant to figure out how and when to make contact and what subjects to approach. They will let you know in their own way when their ready but you have to be ready and willing to see the signal and act on it. Just be there when they need you....
In the mean time there's plenty to do once you get over your loneliness and need for a member of the opposite sex in your life. I took up Bass fishing. Bought a used boat and go with my kids, brothers and Dad. We've had some great times and I believe it's part of the X wanting to come back and share in some of that. I send her pictures and stories of our adventures to let her know what she is missing.
I was a workaholic and that was one of my sins. Not as bad now and finding a way to balance the income with fun and the bills. Best part of it all I can look anybody square in the eye and be proud of what I've done and what kind of person I am. I sleep very well at night.
So good luck to you all and if you want to talk or email feel free and I will give you any support or help I can. I was in IC for about 2 years with a great counselor and he couldn't believe how I could maintain the attitude I had towards my X. Funny thing is I went to him seeking help on letting her go and in a way I did. But that's another long story........ Good Night All ! Oh I end all the letters to my X and other people I care about with this acronym : TPPPL.... Thoughts, Prayers, Patience, Perseverance, Love So, TPPPL, DaveA
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
"Do you think I should try and tell her what I like about her one last time or just keep dark."
Hi JSD,
I don't know enough about your situation to honestly answer that. But if she is a WAW in an MLC she is probably in party mode and won't really care about your feelings for her at the moment. Saying what is on your mind may make you feel better that you have done all you can but I don't think it will invoke any kind of a different reaction from her. It's a tough situation. My X and I hugged and cried together outside the courtroom the day of the divorce hearing but it didn't change the outcome of the day. All you can do is say I still have feelings for you and this isn't what I want for us but I understand your needs and will let you go..... It's very hard to do but makes a return if it ever happens much easier as you treated her with love and respect... Good Luck TPPPL, DaveA
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
Quote: H makes more than twice my income and left me with many financial obligation and a house in bad need of repair. Do you think that these things will reduce my chances?
Politicians answer here First off you have to take care of yourself and your kids if you have any. Being fair is something I struggled with in the division of property. Sometimes my views are a bit jaded when it comes to being fair so I have to try extra hard to put myself in the other persons shoes to see if I would accept what I was offering.I actually had to get counseling from 3 different people before I finally arrived at what was to be an equitible settlement for all of us.
Long story short either your fair with each other or the lawyers will get richer and the judge will finally step in and do it all for you. In most cases with the guy or the major bread winner getting hit much harder by the judge than you would.
Will it hurt your chances later on ? Not if your fair with each other and treat each other with respect. If your going to be nasty and disrespectful and hurtful to each other during the divorce what would be the foundation for a future relationship ??? I wish you well and good luck... TPPPL, DaveA
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
Hi David, You have hit the nail on the head! These are the exact words that my C said to me early in my sitch. He said to quit worrying about what would make me feel better and to start thinking about what I wanted down the road. I of course said to reconcil w/my H. So that's what I started doing. I finally realized that I couldn't fix H, that I could only work on myself. It's been 1 1/2 yrs since bomb & 1 yr since H moved out. No talk of D and minor touch and go's. I'm glad you posted, we all need encouragement from time to time. Soonergal
When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
Thanks for the kind words. I have filed a counter claim for spousal support and we go for a pre-trial hearing on Wednesday. I have tried to make him understand that I am not doing this to hurt him. I have to do what is in the best interest of my sons and myself. When H left, he paid support but did nothing to help with house payments or repair on our 14 year home.
I have examined my motives over and over again. I know that I am not doing this out of anger, so I have to take my chances in court.
How are things going for you? Has XW came home yet?
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Nope not home yet but it's only a matter of time I'm sure. Nothing is ever easy or quick in these situations. It took over three years for this situation to get where it is and it won't get back in any less time I'm sure. The important thing is the attitude has changed. The rest will follow in it's own good time. Remember what we say about patience ! Stick by your guns but be fair. Good Luck ! TPPPL, DavidA
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
Just wondering about you and how things are going with you? Haven't seen you on the boards lately. Hope that is a good sign. Keep us posted.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Things are going about how I expected. To slow for me , but how I expected. She is moving away from him emotionally more and more as time passes and will be home sometime in the next few months if my guess is correct. My daughter and her boyfriend are going down to visit her in SC next week otherwise I truly believe she would have been home by now.
She calls and talks with me once or twice a week and so far hasn't wavered on her overall plans. She is afraid of him physically so she wants to plan out everything carefully so she doesn't have to be around him when she drops the bomb. Hmmmm sounds very familiar !!!!!!!! Red Flag, Red Flag !!! Only this time my eyes are open and I realize she needs help and won't be buying into the whole situation until I see she can understand what it is she has been doing to herself and her family. Baby steps for a long time.
She dyed her hair very blonde according to her, I think in part to piss him off and subconsciously to express her inner feelings of time for a change. So, all the signs are there it's just a matter of time for the movement to begin.
More and more she asks why I have stood by her and continued to be her friend through all the rotten stuff she has done. I have yet to fully answer her question, as I don't believe she is in a place to fully understand the answer. She now refers to me as her best friend and occasionally signs her communications Love, ****** But all this is still her grasping and clawing her way back to some sense of normalcy.
Patty please be aware that even though we want our spouses back and deep down want the storybook romance relationship back in our lives that we are dealing with emotionally disturbed people. That they have far to many issues of their own to deal with before they can be part of a healthy relationship with anyone. That even though they physically come back to us that it will be a very long time, and with the proper help before they will ever be someone that we will ever be able to unconditionally trust again.
Still watching and waiting. I hope you have a peaceful and happy Christmas ! TPPPL, DaveA
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
I have no doubt that this is long process, but I guess I am in it for the long haul. I have believe for almost 3 years that H would someday come to his senses and am very realistic about the fact that it will not be a wake up one morning and decide that he has made a mistake and beg me to take him back.
But I love the man that he was and the man that he will be when he comes out of this MLC. I can continue to believe that it will come. I believe that God is telling me that my family will be put back together in good time but only when it will continue "until death do us part." I have learned so much about myself and what I want from life and I know that I have a lot more to learn.
I have never had an example of what a happy, healthy, marriage looks like. My IL's are the closest but even they have deep dark secrets and don't talk about big issues.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
First off you have to take care of yourself and your kids if you have any. Being fair is something I struggled with in the division of property. Sometimes my views are a bit jaded when it comes to being fair so I have to try extra hard to put myself in the other persons shoes to see if I would accept what I was offering.I actually had to get counseling from 3 different people before I finally arrived at what was to be an equitible settlement for all of us. 