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Quote:

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I'm thankful that I can get a date. I'm thankful that I can afford to date. I'm thankful that I am able to date all these different people to see that you really can be treated really well, or really poorly, it really has little to do with you, and lots to do with the other person. Ultimately, it's up to you to only spend time with the people that treat you really well.

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wow White!
I could not of read this at a more perfect time! Thanks!

Ex's bfriend phoned me at midnight last night.

The date on Fri and the date on Sunday both brought up marriage, completely on their own as in, they are looking to find the right person and settle down etc.

Well, the verdict is in. I can't fall in love again.

I can't seem to. The only guys I'm into are ones that aren't into me.

So, I'm on to my career. What's the point in dating if I can't fall in love.

Joined a gym yesterday. DIdn't realize what I was doing, but now I think they should have given me the membership for free. THere are sooo many more men than women.

It's a good gym though, good price and free parking.

I finally did it. I looked him up online. Sooooo much stuff came up and photos of him with the new woman etc. He looks happy, he looks fine.

I feel totally isolated and like throwing up.

I don't know this person anymore at all and it totally hurts. They are gone. Just gone. Still here, but gone.

I compare everyone I meet with him.

I guess this was the final line of denial. As much as it hurts, I suppose that's what it's all about? Is that why it hurts so much? Because I stayed detaching and "stop signing it" and being hopeful and now I'm finally accepting it?
Hopefully. I hope that is what is happening because that means I can finally move on.

I miss him so much. Will I ever love again? How do I accept this?

He's given me no closure. When I do talk to him I see feeling there, and yet, he is definitly happy in these other photos.

He will never tell me he is done. His place looks a wreck. He has moved on. Totally without me.

I must somehow do the same.

I don't know who I am without this person. I don't know who I am or what I want in my life.

I really was in denial this whole time.

Any life I envision for myself isn't even for me it's about getting him back. I know this isn't right or how it should be.

I'm scared to face the rest of my life without him. And frankly I don't want to.


I feel like calling his mom(I know stupid) even writing any of this stuff is stupid.

I just can't imagine having this kind of connection with anyone else ever. We have so much history, so much in common. We've been through so much.

I guess it doesn't matter. I guess I don't believe in myself enough. My worth, or my value. That's what it come down to, ha?

Anyone that wants to post, fine. Please don't be mad at me. I don't friggin know how to move on, okay?

I just want my best friend back!

I feel a lot better. some sadistic voice inside me wanted to go back and look some more. I did. But this time, I saw myself mentioned in an intv. in a way that I am extremely honored.


Maybe God does answer prayers, cause I did not know how I was goin to get throught this.

Did not skip out on my date last night even though I felt like it. He's a nice guy and wants to be helpful. I don't know. I guess no chemistry.

oh well. my new guy is out there somewhere.

It's amazing all these compliments I get from these dates.
I'm also amazed that they think I'm a good person. On the on hand I have all my mutual friends with the ex who think ill of my morals and then these new people who think they are good.

At least I'm not blaming my ex for my unhappiness anymore. I think what he's doing is wrong and very hurtful, but I'm not judging him for it. It's more just an objective view point without much emotion attached.

After a very hard day yesterday and not much sleep, I have to pick myself up and try again.

I have another date tonight, with another guy that I'm not so attracted to. WIll I ever be attracted to anyone again?

That is the question.

On the one hand I envy my ex, for being able to be attracted to so very many people. I wonder what's easier. HIs predicament or mine. His definitly seems a lot more fun. Regardless it doesn't matter. I had some growing up to do and now I am doing it.

It just happens to coincide with my ex having the time of his life.

I need to remember that the only life I have to live is my own.

I no longer feel anger at ex, much more sadness.

the anger is now directed at myself.

I sent him an email, he called me last night. I sent him an email tonight. NO replies to my emails. THat's fine and that's enough. Need to get back to my own life.

He use to hate me, now he just avoids me. He doesn't like to face what he has done.