Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again This is NOT what I expected!

Okay, I got myself a C appt for next Wednesday. In the meantime, I stumbled across a great program for people with low self-esteem. I knew it was low self-esteem that caused me to constantly try to find my value through my husband, but I had no idea that it could manifest itself as nagging, controlling, and anger, too! That is me. No, that WAS me!!

H called yesterday afternoon to say that he left work early & was headed to the gym and then he was going to stop by work to see me. That was around 11:30, so he should have been at my office by 1:00 at the latest. By 2:00, he still wasn't there & my boss decided to send everyone home early. I tried to call, but he didn't answer so, can you guess where my imagination went? I thought about going to the gym, partly becaue I wanted to work out and partly to spy on him & see if he was really there . . . 2 1/2 hours is an awfully long time to be working out!

I made myself stop wondering about him & decided to do something for myself, instead. So, I headed toward a bookstore/coffee shop in a town about 30 miles in the opposite direction from the gym.

He called before I got on the interstate & I told him I had the rest of the day off & was heading to the bookstore. He asked if I wanted him to meet me there & I was quiet. Then he said, "Unless you just want to have some time alone" and I said, "Yeah, I think that's probably a good idea. I'd like to unwind a little."

He sounded really disappointed and then said, "Why don't you come down here and meet me at Starbucks instead." He sounded like he REALLY wanted to see me, so I suggested we meet for lunch. When I got there he looked like he was going to explode, he had a great big smile on his face and seemed really excited.

It turns out that he had been shopping for me! That's why he was so long at the "gym." He had picked out a really great outfit (very stylish, too, not "mom" clothes which I hate) and had planned on having it laid out on the bed when I got home from work and taking me out to dinner!!

This is how it keeps turning out any time I get suspicious and stupid. I really, really need to get it through my head that the drama is over, that he is really IN this! I'm writing all of this so that the next time I start to get suspicious and stupid, I can read it and remember how all of my other stupid suspicions have turned out and hopefully keep myself from heading down that ugly road that I go down so often lately.

Well, we had lunch and I told him about the self-esteem stuff I was struggling with, the counselor, and asked him if he could please be patient with me while I try to learn how to behave in a healthy realationship. He asked me what he could do to help and I told him to just let me deal with my own problems. I let him know that I'm not really clear on which problems I should bring to him and which I should try to deal with on my own and asked him if he could just let me come to him with my feelings, but not to take responsibility for them. We talked a lot about my past and how it's been like poison in our marriage. Of course, he kept telling me how this whole fiasco was his fault and I tried to tell him it wasn't, but, you know what? If he is seeing his own fault in all of this and I am seeing mine, then we're really at the best place there is to heal, aren't we?

I actually wonder now if his relationship with OW wasn't some sort of passive-aggressive way of getting my attention. I'm disgusted with myself that it took something like that to finally get me to take him seriously.

So I think we're in agreement that each of us has a lot of work to do on ourselves and that it's going to be a struggle, but we'll be there for each other as much as possible. I will probably have major backslides, but I plan on coming here to dump out all my negatives and hopefully somebody here will come along with a 2x4 when I do that and remind me that I am extremely fortunate to be in the situation I'm in.

Big set-back last night . . . I took the kids to a "pumpkin splash" yesterday at the gym. They throw a bunch of pumpkins into the pool and the kids jump in & get one & decorate it. It was a blast, but H didn't want to go. He goes to the gym EVERY chance he gets, but the one time the kids are involved, he just doesn't want to go. Okay, I didn't say much about it at the time, but when I got to the pool & saw all those dads there, it kind of got to me.

I met up later w/mom & sister and told them a little bit about it and they both asked why I felt like I didn't have the right to ask him to do anything. So, when I got home I was trying to put away groceries & talk to H at the same time. I told him that it was a lot of fun, I wish he could have been there, and I'd really like to do more things together as a family. Those were my exact words, "I'd really like to do more things together as a family." No sarcasm, no ugly tone, just a comment.

He went ballistic and started yelling "Now I'm a rotten parent, too? What? I NEVER do anything with the family now?"

This is the exact same fight we've had over & over for three years. We're fine as long as I don't need or want anything from him. If I say something about affection, he screams, "Oh, so I NEVER hold your hand or touch you??" If I say something about helping around the house, he screams, "Oh, so I NEVER do anything around here?"

It doesn't seem to matter how or when I approach a subject, if it's a request, it's a fight.

I stayed calm, didn't argue, didn't fight back, just kept telling him that we had agreed not to have the same marriage we had before and this is exactly the same. He started the same old finger-pointing game that we used to play; it's my fault that he exploded like that, if I had waited to tell him that later or used a different tone he wouldn't have lashed out. An hour later he was still insisting that his behavior was my fault.

Then I screwed up again and reminded him of the date I had set, November 15. Unlike many of you saints here, I am just not capable of hanging on indefinitely. When H dropped the bomb I had decided that I would sell the house and move away if things weren't on the right path by November 15. There are only a few things I want from my marriage: More time together (doing that), More sex (doing that), More participation from H on household matters (not really), and an environment where it's safe for us to come to each other with our needs (NO NO NO).

He was still angry when he left this morning. I'm not sure where this leaves us. I may have painted myself into a corner. In the "Fight or Flight" response, he falls on the side of "flight" every time. Instead of motivating him to make some changes, my reminding him of my deadline probably told him it's already over, there's nothing he can do now.

Maybe it's best. If that one area won't change, we will end up down the same path we went down before. It's just too hard to stay positive when you're constantly under attack for thinking or feeling anything.

I think you owe your Husband a HUGE apology.

Did you really think that by setting this date of when things should be perfect for YOU that you were actually accomplishing something?

There are so many baby steps in your relationship and you seem to be hung up on a stupid date.

I am sorry that you would be willing to throw all of the progress away if the things you are trying to CONTROL are not in your timeline or schedule.

I take it from your name here on the board "In His Hands" that this would be a reference to God.

What about HIS timing?

I would pray that you would really take a look in the mirror and see the issues that you need to be working on for yourself.

You know, something about the log?

I am sorry if I sound harsh but there are many of us here who have been at this for YEARS.
We would all like to see a deadline set of when things will be as we want them.

Sorry Babe but life doesn't work that way for anyone.

No need to apologize for sounding harsh, you told me all the same things I've been telling myself since it happened. You are right and I am a fool. I let myself feel entitled and I let my mouth run off without my brain and I will pay the price for it. I just can't believe I did it when things were going so well.

So now you pick yourself up from the floor, apologize, have great make up sex and start again

I may not agree totally with BND, regarding the apology since your H was such a jerk, but I DO agree with B- in your expectations. Here is the bottom line that has taken me YEARS to get thru my thick skull===Negative feedback does NOT work....period. Does NOT matter if we are "right" or justified....it does not change them at all and Usually, if not always, makes things worse. Yet I did it over and over again with my H, scared that any positive feedback for anything less than 100% of what I wanted, would somehow create lower standards of behavior from him, like I'd make it worse by affirming him. Strategically I was an idiot.

To re-cap: NEGATIVE FEEDBACK DOES NOT WORK-- IT DOES NOT WORK!!!!PERIOD, END OF STORY....

good luck on the rest but please learn a new tactic....ultimatums are the same as negative feedback with a stick at the end. It'd be different if you were saying "stop drinking or I'm out of here, you are dangerous, etc." I know there is a fine line somewhere in there, but I don't get that you are at that point.

An apology for your H who yells and says "never" at the slightest request....?? I just don't know, I don't oppose it, I just don't know. But I do know you have expectations of your h, like all of us, but your tactic/way of getting him to see the light was completely ineffective and you continue to use it.

Really ask yourself what you were expecting him to say when you came back from the pumpkin event? (After you got encouraged by your mom/sister who don't want to see you in pain and feel anger at your H, btw)

Did you think your H would slap his forehead, and say "OMG, You are RIGHT!! I should have gone, I should be a better dad, spend more time, I was a fool to stay home and a selfish one at that, so I am SORRY and how can I be a better h to you and a better father to our kids?""

See, when I ask myself what I was really expecting when I used to say things like that --and we all have, so don't think I'm judging you, I've been there, done that-- it was either totally Unrealistic expectations on my part, OR it was in reality, an attempt at hurting H, although I never would have admitted or believed it at the time....you guys need help, for sure. Can you possibly get a session with a DB coach? they are faster than most mc, so I felt I actually saved money by getting the 3 sessions. I mean you individually btw, b/c I doubt a c with a DB coach together would be so great just now...

Good luck,
j-

I don't believe he'll be open to the apology or the makeup sex. I was a complete ass and, even after I realized I was being an ass, I kept on. Pride. Stupid, self-destructive pride. He didn't kiss me good-bye this morning and he hasn't called yet today. I won't be surprised if he moves back out. I'm too smart to be this stupid.

Don't assume anything.
You worked too hard to get to this point.
Don't be so negative.
Act as if....

Hmmm, what was I expecting? I really don't know. I think I was just expecting him to say, "yeah, we really should plan more stuff as a family." I don't know. I really didn't think it was a dangerous topic. If it had occurred to me that it might cause a melt-down, I would have definitely planned the timing better. I just thought it was a simple comment letting him know what I'd like us to do in the future. I was VERY careful to say it in an upbeat, non-judgmental way.

I've spent almost three months filling his needs, changing myself to be the wife he wants, but this last thing, the part where he wants a wife who doesn't want anything, I just can't seem to be that, or even to pretend to be that.

DB Coach is probably my best option right now. If there is an option now. I think I'll call at lunch.

"Act as if." Okay, can you help me on how? Just call him & apologize or wait until we're home and be happy to see him? Don't mention it until he does or bring it up myself?

Just need a little tactical advice I guess.