Over the last week I've sort of been in the mode where I've been observing what's actually going on in my relationship rather than my emotional reaction to what's going on. The conclusion I've come to is that maybe I simply don't have enough horny-joy juice to be the HD half of a twice-a-week-scheduled-sex couple. Maybe I'm just sort of a normal sex drive woman who needs the loan of some testosterone to even maintain the national twice a week average. God knows I used to be driven insane by the fact that our old marital pattern was go two weeks without, I initiate and then I get turned down more than 50% of the time. However, the fact of the matter is that our old pattern didn't allow me to gain insight into what the top end of my desire curve might be in a long term committed relationship (as opposed to the top end of my desire curve at 21 doing it with a new boyfriend). Turns out that if I have sex on Saturday and then again on Wednesday, on Thursday I'm more likely to be passionately considering the new Thompson & Morgan seed catalogue then fantasizing about my next sexual encounter. So where do I get the will or drive to be the boundary enforcer of a twice a week schedule when that's really all the sex I need? OTOH I know that if I am unwilling to enforce any sort of boundary about sex it is highly likely that my H will just fall into his old pattern of LD neglect of the matter altogether.
Here is my analogy. It's kind of like I was thoroughly fed up about how messy the house was so I called a family meeting and said that we need to clean house thoroughly every Wednesday and Saturday but after a few weeks the house was looking pretty good and it wasn't getting too messy by Wednesday if it was done on Saturday so I started getting lax because just the little bit of spiffing up that might be needed didn't seem worth the trouble of being the cleaning schedule enforcer.
So my thought is that I just ought to cop to the fact that I miscalculated my desire and suggest that we switch to a "If we don't do it on Wednesday we certainly do it on the weekend" schedule.
P.S. It's interesting to consider that I still don't know at what level I might actually become LD. It seems as though twice a week is the limit of my active drive but that still leaves open the question of the limit of my receptive/passive or responsive sexuality. My theory is that it would be pretty high not due to anything biological but simply due to the fact that I'm the kind of person who when asked " Do you want to go see this movie?" or " Do you want to go to this restaurant?" usually reflexively says "Yes" and doesn't regret it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My personal experience regarding drive seems to mirror yours to some extent. I seem to go through some cycles at times, more like seasons as one poster put it, but I still believe the drive is influence by anger or aggression. The more frustrated I am in the marriage, the less I get, but also the higher the drive becomes. Furthermore, whatever sex I do get is unsatisfying and I am right back into high drive the next day. Right now, things are fairly stable, frequency is OK (not great but much better than before) and my drive is moderate.
But I am fairly sure that if we go back to the old ways and I have to endure a prolonged period of starvation, wonder when the next encounter will occur (or if it will occur), my anger and resentment will start to build and my drive will sky rocket too. If frequency is restored, it will take some time for my drive to lessen, but eventually it will. I’ve seen this same phenomenon mentioned several times on the board, so I think there is a link. I don’t think you misjudged your drive. I think it varies with the sitch.
What if you... did this. Every Saturday and every other Wednesday? Don't tell anyone... I mean... on the outside, keep appearances as though you would like to keep to the schedule to Wednesday and Saturday... but only approach enforcing the boundary every other Wednesday...
That way... you are not backing off your boundary and potentially allowing him to slip back into old habits... but you are not the sex police and applying constant pressure, either. And if you only end up having sex once during the off Wednesday week... fine. If he hints at in some way, do it (and then say to yourself, i don't have to enforce the boundary now for another two Wednesdays) If he doesn't step up on a given Wednesday, and you are okay with it... let it go. But every other Wednesday... hold him to it... if you have to.
I'm wondering this. Is twice a week in a committed R really your upper limit or is it merely your upper limit because you are the keeper of the sex calendar and that lowers your drive?
In a parallel situation, I notice that if I initiate a lot I will get more sex from H - however, I also get more half hearted sex from H. If I bring up sex and the lack of it in our R I will also get more sex. In both situations I find that I'm not really all that wildly interested. It takes a lot of mental energy to defocus on H's lack of passion and focus on my natural sexual energy. Lately, I've initiated nothing and we've had very little sex - once a week on the average, twice on vacation. However, H was there wholeheartedly, he's been more playful in between and has been doing romantic gestures quite a bit. Given the built up goodwill we have going where I see that he has a certain amount of desire for me, I'm comfortable with a moderate libido. However, if he got really amped up one week and boinked me five times I'll bet I could keep up quite nicely. I would like to get things up to twice a week but the dilemma I am in is what happens if I start initiating again? Will he go all uninterested again? Will I get all uncomfortable and insecure again? How this parallel's your situation is that I think that there are partner cues/behaviors that occur a lot in early R's that help keep that desire at a heightened level. Is your low intensity a result of your biological state and length of R or is it because there aren't enough arousal creating behaviors on the other end?
Not trying to stir up trouble because if you can happily live with once/week than by all means... Corri's suggestion is quite good. I think that part of what the schedule concept misses is the ability to adjust to changing conditions - Corri's plan allows a little surprise in there.
Quote: I don’t think you misjudged your drive. I think it varies with the sitch.
Oh, I'm certain my drive varies with the situation. I was just saying that I misjudged what my drive would be once things were otherwise going well for the most part and I was at least semi-confident that there wouldn't be a sex shortage in the near future. I tend to link this variability more with fear of deprivation than anger, however. I think that when I'm operating in famine-mode I become a "biscuit hoarder" or like a squirrel frantically hiding away nuts for the winter even though rationally I know there is no way to save up a stash of sexual satisfaction. Perhaps, sexuality is an area in which most people tend to be somewhat childish, so like a good parent, the best thing (though perhaps not the most exciting thing) a sexual partner can offer is caring, consistency in behavior and response.
Another thought I had was that I'm finally understanding this whole "boundaries" theory. It seems to me that the only "true" boundaries a person can have are those that they are willing to enforce. It's not really a matter of either having strong boundaries or weak boundaries. For instance, I used to have a pretty strong boundary about sex that went "If you don't initiate sex with me for two weeks, I will initiate sex and if you turn me down I will cry.". the problem with this boundary wasn't its lack of strength but its inability to increase my marital happiness in anything resembling the long run and also the fact that I was only semi-conscious of the fact that I was enforcing this boundary. I needed to become conscious of the fact that I would be happier if I were able to enforce a different boundary. I guess I'm still trying to figure out what that boundary might be.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Here are my thoughts on it: Before, the 'passion' of our situation got me and kept me revved. The not getting along and so forth seemed to create a romance novel type friction between us.
Now with that gone, we are having to move towards something a little more boring but still fulfilling. I too started questioning whether my HD was a facade but it has come back, so I'm thinking not.
Here is the difference: My drive is still higher than his, but not so outta control that I'm willing to fight about it and bring it up endlessly, etc. If we do, great. If we don't, I'll survive quite nicely. I find that I am becoming much more of a Typical Chick in that the more sex we have the more I want it. I still have a baseline level of horniness that is probably higher than a lot of women's (that is, I'd never turn it down) but on the days I'm not having it, I'm perfectly a-okay and *that* is a huge change. I find that I am able to get in sync with H's drive much better due to this change, as well. If it's a week where he can't get enough, I'm loving it. If it's a week where he's "tired" I'm alright with that too. The only time that I seem to feel myself falling back into old habits was a couple weeks ago when it had been over 2 weeks and I was gettin antsy.
So what changed? I honestly don't know. Boundaries? Attitude adjustment? Hormonal shift? No clue.
I do know that it just kindof evolved slowly into what it is today.
Does this sound like what you are going through? I'd be interested to know if this is part of the normal HDW resolution..the end of the story, if you will.
Quote: Does this sound like what you are going through?
Sort of.(LOL) I think maybe the differences in our situations at this point might simply be due to the fact that I'm still going with a schedule. My H said something on Wednesday that I know will crack you up. He approached me in the morning and said "Do you want to plan to hook up later this evening? I'm not really in the mood right now but you know how we are.". So maybe the normal successful resolution of any SSM is just getting to that point of acceptance where "We know how we are." and doing whatever is necessary to deal with that reality in a way that benefits the marriage. So if you're getting antsy after two weeks with no sex, you might be able to jokingly, nicely say to Mr.HP "Hey,it's been two weeks since we got together. You know how I get after two weeks. I don't think you want to experience again how I get after three weeks.". OTOH, the same sort of awareness could allow you to say to MrHP "Hey, it's been a week since we got together but I know that you have a big project due Friday at work that is stressing you out so why don't we make plans now to get together on Saturday?". The only bad thing about this kind of acceptance is that it kind of permanently consigns you to the role of either being the HD or LD spouse and that might not always be the case. For instance, Saturday morning I was working at my computer and my H came up and asked me about breakfast. I answered him sort of absent-mindedly. Then he said "Never mind. Something else has come up.". I looked over at him and he had a raging hard-on. So I good-humoredly said "Would you like me in the bedroom then?" and he said "I just wanted to indicate that I was at your disposal.". It struck me as odd that he was still consigning me the role of the HD spouse even though he was the one standing there with a spontaneous raging hard-on and I was just unhornily working at my computer. This made me think of many of the encounters you've described with MrHP.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Jenny, Well, here's the difference. During those 2 weeks, MrH was going out of his mind with horniness. Copping feels all over the place and so on. What he couldn't seem to do was locate that raging horniness right at bedtime but I've come to accept that he falls asleep way too easily and it's nothing personal.
So the difference between now and then is that there was no doubt in my mind that he was horny and desirous; it just wasn't translating into any kind of action.
My opinion on your H is that he acts a bit like I do. He doesn't want to show that he wants. He doesn't want you to know how desperately he needs you, sexually or otherwise. That's why he HAS to consign you to the HD role. He phrases it as he's at your disposal when what he really is saying is I need you right now.
You could try to break him of this habit but his oppositional nature will just encourage him to say the opposite of whatever you want, so maybe the best approach is to 'read between the lines' during these moments and pat yourself on the back over how much you are loved and needed. Silently of course. LOL
