Just a quick note: The OP, in all our sitches, really isn't the problem. They are the beneficiaries of the problems we created as H and W. I don't obsess about her much, my W is a big girl (just as your H is a big boy) and SHE chose to do what she did. Was it morally right? No, but so what. We're all in the same boat regardless of whether the act was moral or not. Was it moral for me to take my W and our R for granted, believing that a promise is a promise, end of story. I'd say, probably not. My point is that we are all human and make decisions and choices that are not always good for ourselves or those around us. I see my job now as to try and make better choices and show that we can be a great couple again. Time will tell! My advice is DON'T obsess about the OW, it's a cheeseless tunnel (just in case you are these days!).
You must be reading my mind, i have been finding it harder and harder to get this OP out of my mind. To begin with when my H first told me he had someone else i thought of it in a positive way - i thought he might have this little fling, realise the grass isn't any greener and then get it out of his system and come home. But now i just keep imagining all the usual stuff, them together, him buying her sexy undies for christmas (my last christmas pressie from H was a maternity bra - sexy eh)!! I suppose that says it all really, maybe he thought of me as just a mum and not a wife any more. You are so right, i must stop obsessing about them together, it isn't going to change anything and will just make me feel miserable. You are also right about taking your R for granted. I am completely guilty of that. I assumed that because we had said our vows we would be together forever no matter what, and even if we were not giving each other love and affection just now it didn't really matter because we had the rest of our lives to make up for it. Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing - i would just love the chance to be able to give all that love and affection now.
I am feeling a little bit better at the moment because H has told me that he plans to stay with me for the first week when the baby is born and that he is really looking forward to the birth and being as involved as possible. This is a huge relief for me because i was worrying that he might not want to get too involved. I must do all the DB'ing i can while he is with me for the week as this could be my big chance to show him our M is worth saving. So any suggestions on how to impress him would be appreciated.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write, it helps so much to know there are people out there who can understand how i am feeling.
Yes, the OP is a huge boulder to move off the pathway. Keep in mind that the OP is basically a cartoon figure! She is someone who your H has put all his romantic fantasies on to. She is so loving, so kind, such a good listener, blah blah blah. Let's face it what kind of person could she possibly be to start an A with a man who has a pregnant W? Looooser! I'm sure this angel is his "soulmate" and "they read each other so easily". It's so wonderful because he and she don't have to deal with this big bugaboo called "REALITY". So, be patient and watch the lovers implode as the real world starts to creep in. BABY = REAL WORLD. Just be as good a person as you know how to be, set some DB goals and go from there. Thank him when he's considerate, helpful and loving but, for now, consider it a gift and enjoy it as such. Remember that time is on your side and that most of these fairy tale romances burn themselves out at some point. Will you prevail? Only time will tell, use it to your advantage. Keep in touch! Hope this helped.
I was kinda in the same sitch when my son was born. It is great that he wants to be there because a birth of a child can do amazing things. I would suggest to just keep DBing and not try to impress him with anything. Keep smiling and looking forward to that little baby you have coming.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Unloved, you wondered whether his small changes meant anything in regards to your DBing. Here's a quick quote from the DR section "Why nothing changes" Michelle writes, "...you fail to notice the less obvious, small acts of kindness, which are really building blocks for what is to come" He now makes tea for you, and before he hated making tea for you! Hmmm.
I can't believe this - i have just spent the past half an hour typing a massive reply and my computer went all funny and lost it - aaaaaghhhhhhh.
I shall try again.
thanks osu13130
The birth of a baby is certainly an amazing thing, i just hope it can do amazing things for my M.
You mentioned that you were in a similar sitch, i would love to hear more about it if you have the time.
Hi again Whatisis
I just wrote loads, i totally poured my heart out but now i don't think i can write it all again. I'm not even sure what i said now it just sort of all came out.
I'm really fed up now so i think i'll just give up for today and try again tomorrow. Time to go and cry - again!
I just wondered if anyone has any thoughts on how i should act when H comes to stay for the week (he has 1 week off work for paternity leave) when the baby is born. H says he will be at my beck and call if i want him to. Do i act as if we are a happy little family or that he is just a friend that has come to help out? I know i will be desparate for a hug or any affection -so, should i initiate anything or act as if i really am ok with us being over. I am worried that i'm going to be an emotional wreck. The first weeks after giving birth are a real roller coaster of emotions at the best of times. So i am a bit scared that i will end up pouring my heart out to him and ruin my DB'ing chances.
I think you should just act OK that it's over. Don't pressure him or you push him away. He is a friend who has come to help you in a time of need. If you fawn over him, be demanding etc that could just push him in the other direction. It's so tough to know how to advise here. My heart goes out to you. Anyone else got some views here?
Whatisis is exactly right. Too much hashing over the same stuff. I had to go through 3 before I found the right C that got to the issues that needed to be addressed. I had told the first two that I didn't want to pay off their mortgages - just get me out of the tunnel I was in.
Some will go down the long road from childhood, others, like the one you have will go down the road of parental example, which, by the way, aren't necessarily wrong, but you both need a C to take it from where you are now, to where you need and want to be. Try talking to the C to focus on that for you both.
