Quote: She is not getting from you those things that turn her on.
She and I have discussed this at length...to the point where I don't want to bring it up anymore because her tune never changes.
Her point is, consistently, that I do the right things outside and inside the bedroom, she's just not attracted to me so it doesn't matter what I do or how I do it. She says that when she was having her A, the OM didn't do anything that I don't do...that our relationship had just degenerated to the point where she didn't want it from me, and that's still where we're at.
I follow GH's responses religiously but, honestly, talking with my W seems to me to be the best way to learn if I'm not doing something I should be, or am doing something I'm not. I don't put her under the microscope when I bring it up, she just gives me the "it's not you, it's me" speech and says we just need to keep doing what we're doing and let time take care of the rest.
Personally, I DO feel like she's holding something back, not necessarily something sexual or physical or romantic (could be) that she wants, but something she's dealing with. I can't prove that, just something I "feel" (gack).
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I also prob killed my H's burning desire for me, I ain't asking and he hasn't said, I wonder if I'm on the same boat as you TL, but for now I'll just go w/the flow because I do see progress, I see him being more open and safe w/me. Had there not been any progress then I'd worry, for now I'm counting my blessings.
Quote: TL is northern born, southern bred (by the grace of God), and writes software for a living
you are hoot TL, I'm also southern bred, wayyyy down south (like s.america) and like to draw purty picts on the computer
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: I'm also southern bred, wayyyy down south (like s.america)
Not me...I'm just Whistlin' Dixie
I don't know how I got on this but I'm not really complaining either. I see it more as an interesting problem that seems to have no solution.
I DO see a lot of progress. She is sweeter, more affectionate with me, but it seems to be an act since she will lay on the bed with me and kiss me playfully on the lips in between sentences (if I'm joking with her or whatever) and yet say she doesn't feel anything for me. Something about that makes no sense to me.
Every other aspect of our life is great. Truly. That's why this is so strange.
In situations like this I usually figure that if I can't find a solution to the problem, then I'm either looking in the wrong place, or there's more to the problem than I'm aware of.
It's almost like she knows something I don't, just a feeling I have, can't put my finger on it.
I don't mean to get all hocus pocus about this but back when she was cheating on me I used to have a lot of dreams about finding her in a hotel room with another man, or coming home from work and finding her having sex with another man in our living room (which she was doing!). Freaky.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Quote: It's almost like she knows something I don't, just a feeling I have, can't put my finger on it.
ummm, I think you are trying to see something where there isnt' anything, remember, don't let every thought/emotion go unchallenged, I was pretty much 98% clueless that my H was seeing someone, so don't read to much into things ok?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: I follow GH's responses religiously but, honestly, talking with my W seems to me to be the best way to learn if I'm not doing something I should be, or am doing something I'm not.
**Talking** to W about this is not going to do any good. (I'm sure she hates having to tell you over and over how great your SL is even though it does nothing for her...) Different actions AT THE RIGHT TIME might. Try taking a look at PM if you really want passion in your M.
Likely, she doesn't think you are capable of being the kind of lover she wants even if you have the mechanics down pat. In her mind, asking you to change your sexual energy/persona is probably like asking you to grow three feet -- it ain't gonna happen.
No doubt, she feels incredibly guilty about the A(s?), the herpes, etc... This will CERTAINLY interfere with her sex drive. But, the problem in sexual compatability and passion predated those problems. Indeed, it led to those problems.
Moreover, the sexual problems are definitely coming from both sides -- she is not being authentic with you in some way sexually. I am certainly not saying it is all your fault.
The root issue of a passionless M needs to be addressed. GH is right that being a best friend is not going to make your W lust after your loins.
BTW, again, GH pretty much said what you were saying about his old SL. Now, he realizes just how wrong he was. It really is worth talking to him about it. Like I said, I just don't have the patience to beat my head on the wall about this right now
It seems as though OT and GH really like the book Passionate Marriage. I personally found it a hard read, but maybe now I need to take another look at it. Maybe you should take a look at it too!
I'm wondering if guilt and depression may be fueling your wife's lack of desire.
Prior to the A was there a problem with desire for you? If I'm remembering correctly, you've described her as enjoying more "sedate sex" that's more conservative and traditional. And yet, this is a woman who did go out and have a PA....
Hummmm.... I could be wrong. But could it be that there is a part of her that really desires excitement and nautiness, but just has such guilt with it, or associates marriage with the need to be a "good girl" in the bedroom with the H?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
you are hoot TL, I'm also southern bred, wayyyy down south (like s.america) and like to draw purty picts on the computer 
