Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

I am hoping to get where you are at someday.... Way to go. It is tough for the fact you were working on detatchment... its almost (almost) like doing a 180... but this is the best 180 you get to do... keep your head up. Remain postive. Your doing great

TL, I am not where you are with any ILY or ML, etc. but I can imagine I would feel exactly like you do, now that I read your situation and think through what that might look like over here at Chez Stepford. It makes a LOT of sense that you would feel this way, having mulled it over for a bit myself.

The first thing I thought (which is what you are NOW doing) is to NOT question her to pieces about this, it will only discourage her. And that you need to process this in MC with the safety net of that arena. I wish you were seeing C sooner. Perhaps you can call for a little 'emergency' advice before next week?

I am really excited for you in the Big Picture, but I think if my H actually DID what I've been wishing for (what you're not receiving), I would be skeptical and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sadly. What a shame we cannot just 'love as if we've never been hurt'

Ali, sean, bi43...

You're all 100% right. The fact of the matter is I can't be "happy" about this right now, but I realize that's okay, pretty normal actually, and I'm not going to allow myself to jump into the pit of despair over it.

Fact is, I DO appreciate her and can be appreciative of the progress it indicates, and what she's trying to do, and where we hope it takes us. After all this time of reminding myself (and her) that "Hollywood love" is poison, I reckon I assumed we'd just slip back into this stuff easily. And even if I knew it was going to be tough, I didn't expect it to happen the way it has/is/will.

I think the best way I can describe it for me is that while everything on the outside happens at normal speed, on the inside it all happens in slow motion whether I want it to or not. Kinda helps me understand how it must be like for her to gradually open up to me again and let me in. I now understand that she can't simply "will" it into existence any more than I can just "will" myself to jump for joy over the ILY stuff.

However, there's something to be said for easing back into it like slipping into a nice hot jacuzzi. We are grownups after all, and acting on impulse is usually what creates these messes to begin with.

So, thanks for the 2x4s...lumps received with a greatful heart

toughlover,

I think what has happened is that you have inadvertantly forced your wife to look at your marriage from the perspective of the one BEING LEFT.

So she sees things from that perspective now and it doesn't look like a bed of roses.

She has gotten what not many people get.
The chance to see what she did to YOU.
And she has come to appreciate the very things she took for granted when she came to the place where she wanted to end the marriage.

This is very extraordinary and I'd caution you to not suspect it as much as you should be thankful for it.

You know my story so it's pretty dramatic to switch like that AND FOLLOW THROUGH. If it's not genuine, she won't hold up long. It should not take you forever to trust her again. If after several weeks, she still acting this way, you need to be thanking God for the blessing.

As for all the time it took you to "detach"...the damnedest thing I've seen is that there aren't any instructions as to how to "RE-attach".

So you do what everybody else does.
You just take it one day at a time.


AmyC

I've been thinking about the whole reattachment thing and how frightening it can be for the LBS.

I think for the LBS (or just following an affair) it sometimes takes time to be comfortable again. We go through some really deep pain and even if the WAS has had an epiphany and realizes how much they love their spouse and family, and is thankful to be accepted back, it's still frightening for the LBS.

I've noticed my husband being a little more unusually nice lately. There's a little extra concern for my feelings and I have some of the same feelings you're having. What I figure is I'm going to try and be appreciative of his efforts and just continue working on our friendship. It's just going to take time, and probably for you too. And you can share that with your wife.

My guess is it's almost impossible to jump back in because natural self-preservation holds us back. If that pain of what happened was so intense (and I know it was for me) then the brain or mind will automatically try to protect us.

Thanks everyone. Especially you, Amy. You jumped on my first thread and helped me so much. I hope you're right about all this. As usual, you're more perceptive than me.

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This is very extraordinary and I'd caution you to not suspect it as much as you should be thankful for it.

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You're right. This is damned hard.

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You know my story so it's pretty dramatic to switch like that AND FOLLOW THROUGH. If it's not genuine, she won't hold up long. It should not take you forever to trust her again. If after several weeks, she still acting this way, you need to be thanking God for the blessing.

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Yeah, I'm really realizing why taking it slow is not an option...it's just the way it is. I also (thanks to you) realize that if I don't appreciate it, she'll give up eventually and get discouraged. I don't want that.

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As for all the time it took you to "detach"...the damnedest thing I've seen is that there aren't any instructions as to how to "RE-attach".

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BINGO! As usual, you're my hero. You understand this so well. It's the hardest part of all. I NEVER get faced with things I don't have a plan for, or get confused. I appreciate you and everyone else slapping me 'cross the head when I need it.

Amy, you're a blessing.

Good weekend.

Now I just need direction in something. Here are the assets:

1. She tells me she loves me.
2. We ML 3-4 times/week, albeit on a schedule. Physically, works great, she orgasms, and I'm all about 70% foreplay, 30%, well, you know.
3. We date.
4. I take her shopping (yes, including Victorias Secret, although it's pretty tame stuff that she picks )
5. I surprise her occasionally with gifts (not expensive stuff most of the time, just stuff I know she likes, uses, runs out of occasionally. She seems to really like that).
6. Romantic stuff going on but mainly from my side and nothing too over the top right now.
7. We have a really good time together, laughing, clowning around. Wrestling, even. I always win, of course :-)

I know I'm thick-skulled, but I've never dated anyone in my life who was interested in me that I wasn't able to fan the tiniest spark into a roaring fire.

Previously, I was giving her space and she didn't like that. I was off doing my own thing most of the time, all the GAL stuff, mainly with my boys. But not pursuing. Then it seemed like it was time to pursue a little, and she was open to it.

Nothing I do seems to work however. Nothing that worked on her years ago seems to work now. Nor does the new stuff. I listen. I validate. I shoulder my fair share of chores and then some. I treat her very, very well. I do all the stuff listed above.

Besides that, I'm funny, and charming

From her side: No spark. Nada. No passion. No attraction.

Despite what she says she wants me to do, I'm thinking about backing off again.

Her lack of desire is killing mine. She plain just told me I was doing EVERYTHING right. Not only sexually, which isn't as big a deal to me as it used to be now that we've sort of got our heads together again, but in all the other things she says she wants/needs. I know I'm doing all the stuff she said she really liked about OM (listening without fixing, being supportive/encouraging, etc). She tells me I do everything right. Sometimes I wonder if that's a smokescreen.

Am I just being a whiner?

Your post is so confusing, read it again.

You list all of these wonderful positives and then you say that there is no spark, no passion, no attraction.

I do not see what the problem is?

Maybe you have really high expectations of something that right now she I unable to give you.
Does she even know what it is you want?
Do you?

brandnewday,

Thanks. I agree, it IS confusing. Maybe I'm more confused than I ought to be...but here's why:

She tells me she loves me...but that just started last week and she tells me it's more like a cousin or <insert generic family member here> than a husband.

She is WILLING to ML but she says she has no DESIRE to, but believes it is necessary to "get back on the horse" so to speak. Part of acting as if.

She tells me that despite all that wonderful stuff, there is no spark, no passion, she's not attracted to me at all.

Dude,

take it slow. she will come around. she is working it. your doing the fun stuff. keep doing it. it is more that you WANT to show your love for her, even if she is currently unwilling to show her (although I see her showing it... just not willing to admit it yet)