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Definately Chrushed, lets catch up , your old fan club here are thrilled to hear your alive and kicking. BeingMe, was thinking of you the other day, is all well? Sorry this is short. I'm kind of limited these days, details to follow.

A reminder to take care of ourselves, so that we can take care of others! From Daily OM ....

October 26, 2006

Daily Self-Care
Putting Yourself First

We have all heard the instructions of an airline attendant reminding us to put
on our own oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. This advice is
often cited as a metaphor for self-care because it so accurately expresses why
it is important. It seems to say, ironically, that if you can't take care of
yourself for yourself, do it for others. Few situations in our daily lives mimic
the wake-up call of an airplane emergency, so it's easy to keep putting
self-care off-easy, that is, until we get sick, overwhelmed, or exhausted, and
suddenly don't have the energy to care for the people who count on us. That's
when we realize we haven't been getting the oxygen we need to sustain ourselves.
We begin to understand that taking care of ourselves is neither selfish nor
indulgent; it's just plain practical.

Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else
in order to say yes to yourself. For many of us, there is always something we
feel we could be doing for someone else, and it helps to remember the oxygen
metaphor. You can even encourage yourself by saying "I am caring for myself so
that I am better able to care for others" or some other mantra that will
encourage you. It also helps to remember that self-care doesn't have to be
composed of massively time-consuming acts. In fact, the best prescription for
taking care of yourself is probably small, daily rituals; for example, taking
one half-hour for yourself at the beginning and end of the day to meditate,
journal, or just be. You might also transform the occasional daily shower or
bath into a half-hour self-pampering session.

Whatever you decide, making some small gesture where you put yourself first
every day will pay off in spades for you and the ones you love. The oxygen you
need is all around you; sometimes you just need to be reminded to breathe.

Journalling and venting ......

We are going through some really challenging times at the moment. We have just found out that our D19 is being physically abused by her older BF (he is 33). She has left him, for now, and staying with a friend, but she tends to go back, despite our warnings. We have offered to send her to Florida to visit our D26, to get some perspective, but we are not sure if she will take the offer. She lives in a city 12 hours drive from us, and we have made the trip a couple of times to either fetch her or try and talk her out of this destructive R. Unfortunately, this creature (I cannot call him a man) has also been spreading vicious rumours about our family, implying our children have been abused, that our family is uncaring of our D19, and so many other awful things. People who know us, don't believe it, but I am still ashamed that my D19 does not defend her family. This person has proven himself a liar, is despicable (he pooed on someone's lawn because their son was not liked by his co-workers who were friends with this creature - how mature is that) has an ExW who ran away with their 2 little girls, because of his own abuse of them, so I guess he is projecting his own evil onto us, trying to justify his actions, and isolate our D19 from us. But, we will never abandon her, and will always love her, and be here for her. Perhaps he doesn't know what it is that loving parents do (his mother was physically and psychologically abused by his father, so he grew up with that, and says he hates his mother and says it was her own fault for nagging his father - he told us most of this himself, which was when I started thinking that he was not a good person for my D19).

I'm afraid I'm still in shock, and am so disappointed in our D19, who has (until now) generally showed a mature and reasonable attitude. Maybe she thinks she can 'save' him. We just cannot figure this out. I have been trying to use DB'ing tactics on her, like detaching, going dark ... some things work, and some don't. Detaching helps me deal with all of this, especially since I have a D14 who needs me now. What I would do if it weren't for her, I don't know. She is such an awesome kid.

My H and I have pretty much stuck together on this, and in some ways, all this has made us closer. But, in some ways, it's made me more reserved, because I can't help thinking that maybe it's all the stress of the EA, and the pain it caused our family, that is perhaps causing our D19 to doing what she is doing now. I could be wrong, so I am reserving judgement on this, for now. However, D19 is an adult, and needs to grow up, and think about any children that might come out of a union with this person. It would be so unfair to saddle them with an abusive father. And, she would be going into this with her eyes wide open, although her ears tightly closed to our warnings, and everyone else's warnings.

Just feel like crying .....

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. I will pray for you. Try not to blame anyone - this can happen to anyone. Your H is not responsible for this. Give it all up to the Lord, he will help you through this and protect your D. Whatever we do in this life all has consequences - and unfortunate your D is about to learn a big one, and she is the only one that can to learn it - you can't do it for her. The only thing you can do is be there for her and pray and trust in God.
Take care & I pray that God protects her through this haze.

that's so sad, I'm sorry to hear about your D19, I pray she sees the R for what it is and goes away, do get her some books about abusive R for whatever good is going to do, hope she stays safe.

Sorry I'm a little late to the game here, but anyhow. It's good to see you still on the board here. Although it is a bad reason I'm glad this has helped your R.

Remember, you have taught your D well, she does have here free agency, but make sure you show her what true unconditional love is. Make sure she sees how that can not be seen with the beast. Perhaps she can use a call from her older sister.

Maybe call local T and put her name on the roll. Continue to pray, show some faith and put it in his hands. Remember, this is her choice. Perhaps H needs to see that this is time for unity. Maybe it's time to call a family weekend, have as many as can make it meet in a middle location, so that there is a happy loving sitch. During this time she will see that what beast will offer is nothing like this. A good time for sisters to sit and talk.
(not a bad chance for H to see positive times in R and united family).

BeingMe, I've got a D19 also and when I would have started thinking he's not a good person for my D19 would be when I heard he was 33. If my D19 even dates a 21 yr old all heck breaks loose. One time when a BF22 broke up with her, playing her, I put the fear of God in him. If this beast is being abusive can't you call the cops and have him put away or H call and tell him to stay away? D19s may be adults in the legal sense and can act mature at times but they are still not mentaly or emotionally grown up at that age, still our little girls and need our help during hard times before they ruin their lives. Find her another 19 or 20 yr old so she can leave dat bum and enjoy her pre-adult years.

I too will pray that you find a solution to this problem and nip it in the bud. RonJon

Hi all, and thanks for your prayers, and thoughts.

My H did phone this man several times, and told him exactly what he thought of him. Also, confronted him, but this guy is holding onto our D19 like glue. Initially, we didn't know what his age was. He dresses like a teen, although we thought he looked older then they were saying, plus we didn't know about his runaway wife and two daughters until much later (not to mention a whole lot of other, unsavoury facts). A lot was not told to us, by our niece, because she didn't want to betray our D19's trust (we are pretty angry about that), and by the time we did know more, it was too late. At this point, we are just glad that she's with her friend's parents (really good family, that we trust), and they are going to get her onto the flight to Florida where she will spend some time with my BIL, and then, they will drive her up to my D26. I have my reservations about whether our D19 will actually get on the plane.

Unfortunately, our family lives all over the continent (if not all over the world), so it's hard to get together at any time. We live on an island on the westcoast of Canada, about 12 hours from our D19 and her twin brother, who is hoping to come home for a couple of months, thousands of miles from our D26, and my BIL (H's B). I guess our S19 feels we need him right now, but mostly our D14 does. He has been very supportive, and all this has affected him the most, because his sister, who he was always close to, won't speak to him anymore (guilt, maybe, or just that person trying to separate her from even her twin brother). We didn't even know he existed just a short 9 months ago, when our D19 was innocent, didn't smoke or drink, went to church (although, I believe she still does go, often) was truthful and eager to plan for her future career. This kind of person will never allow her to earn a living that will give her personal power to leave him. He has broken her down emotionally, physically, and psychologically. I just hope we have gotten to her in time, when she still has some sense still left inside of her. (We have tried several times already to get her away from him, i.e. once my H drove to her city, collected her, drove back home with all her stuff. She was home one day, and took a suitcase of clothes, caught the Greyhound and went back to that loser. Her things are still here. So, we are pessimistically hopeful that she gets on that plane tomorrow, without him, and does go to Florida for a time, to think, and reflect on her future. That's all we can hope for now, because she does have her own free agency, and is regarded an adult in Canada, so we have no rights as her parents.)

We have also contacted the police, to find out what we can do, but they can do nothing unless she reports the abuse. So, our hands are tied on that. It is so frustrating! We cannot even check on whether he has a criminal record, or if he really is divorced, because of the privacy laws here in Canada. My H was also warned that if he in any way physically touched this guy, and was reported, than my H would be the one who would be in trouble. We were thinking of bringing a civil suit against him, for defamation of character.

I will continue to pray for my D19, and hope that her mind is open to letting this person go, and moving on with her life.

Thanks again, for all your concern. I really appreciate it.

Just checking in to throw you a little moral support. Hopefully your D19 will see the family love and draw towards it. I would hope that she knows that no matter how much she thinks she can turn this guy around, all of us here know it's a choice only he can make. Some have to learn that lesson the hard way. Let's pray she is not one of those.

Everything that can be said, has been said to her, many times, including that her BF is responsible for his own choices. However, she has chosen to go back to him, and we are going to detach from the whole sitch for our D14's sake. I was an absolute basket case, worrying about our D19, and I am feeling somewhat better now, although still worried, but in control. I sent her an email stating that we are here for her if she ever needs us, and asked that she contact us with her address and to let us know that she is okay from time to time. We'll see how things go from here.

Thanks, Phoenix, for the prays and moral support. We need that now. Our HT'ers have been great, especially the one we had back in our old city. He took our D19 in, took her for her health card, licence, contacted us to let us know what was happening, etc. He is just an awesome guy, and we so appreciate what he did. He was very supportive during our M sitch, too.

Anyway, none of us can tell the future. We can just do what we feel is best in the given moment, and hope that it bears positive fruit sometime down the road. I guess CTR is a good way of putting it. Can't go wrong then.

It is snowing here, and freezing cold, which is very unusual for this area. I got a job, at last, and started training last week, just as it started getting cold. Almost wish I hadn't got the job now. Ha! Thankfully, I don't have far to travel on the icy roads. Half the island is without power, but we've been fortunate, so far, to still have ours.

Positive vibes to all!