Ok...I have a post over in Newcomers and you can get the story as it unfolds there. I appreciate any help and advice anyone may have in that post.
Now for this one. I have been DBing for a little over a month. My W and I haven't shard any type of affection for about 2 1/2 months. No hug, kiss, hand holding, touch, etc. I am the one that wants to work on the marriage and my W is having a EA, maybe PA. Not sure.
So how do I try and get more affectionate with her without upsetting her. I don't want to pressure her into anything but would like an occasional hug, kiss, etc. I am hoping that it would help things but I don't know if she is ready for that.
Do I try and see what happens or wait for her to make the move? I am thinking that I wait for her but wanted some more advice. Please read my entire sitch to get what was/is going on.
I want so bad just to hold her. Help please.
If you aren't a little scared of your dreams...then they aren't big enough.
Me: 38 XW: 37 M: 3 1/2 years Together 7 1/2 years Son: 8 Bomb: June/2006 Papers sent to me: March/2007 D Final: June 19th, 2007
If your W is not sure about working on the marriage, do not initiate affection. Let her come to you. You cannot push yourself that way -- it looks like pursuit and will make her back away more.
your not alone. I have been wrestling with this also. My wife shows little if any affection towards me and I long for it so much. On one hand I don't want to push her, and on the other hand I don't want her to think I don't care. When she doesn't say much it's hard to tell one way or the other. I have been kissing her on her forehead and telling her "goodnight sweetheart" before bed, but she has not responded. Maybe I should stop. Sometimes I think she wants me to show some affection, but I can never be for sure and I don't want to push it. I know one thing is for sure, I sure miss her.
It's been 6mths since my H has come back, and just now that I get some affection other than ML. He also didnt get close to me or hug me or anything at all, somedays I thought about just not giving affection either, but I kept on.
I used to just hold his hand and kiss him good night. He always responds but i'm usually the one who initiates.
I wouldn't withhold affection, of course I'd only do little things (hold hand for a bit, always good night kisses).
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Max, I know what you are talking about. I have to be patient thought I think and I don't think she is ready for me to touch her in any way yet. I believe I will have to wait for her. Hopefully sooner rather than later. At least you get to give a kiss on the forehead. I can't do any of that.
If you aren't a little scared of your dreams...then they aren't big enough.
Me: 38 XW: 37 M: 3 1/2 years Together 7 1/2 years Son: 8 Bomb: June/2006 Papers sent to me: March/2007 D Final: June 19th, 2007
I agree with what cat says. Do something very small and don't wait around or expect anything in return for a while.
I have it a little easier cause my W accepts that stuff, hugs me back, etc., though rarely initiates it right now. I know how you feel, though. What I wouldn't give for some enthusiastic plain ol affection and sweetness from her right now!
One thing that helped me was to take all those urges to be affectionate with my W and tried to see them as a message to "be her friend and have fun". Sort of like when you're first dating someone, you may feel like getting touchy-feely, but you don't, cause that'd be inappropriate. Instead, you focus on having fun together so that at some point, it becomes natural.
It's a lot easier to do when you're not coming out of this kind of crap, but that's how I looked at it.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
That's a good idea. I think I'll give it a try. At least we're still in the same house allbeit different rooms. Sometimes I think that makes it harder because you see them every day but can't get close to them.
Tough, That is what I am working on trying to do actually. I have to get back being the friend I was in the beginning so she gets comfortable again with me. Over the past few days or the week or so I am trying to think about the beginning and pretend that I am just getting to know her and want to be her friend just as I did in the beginning.
Really weird though isn't it? Trying to be a friend to someone you are married to and were at one point. Seems like it shouldn't be this hard. I think the small steps I have made have come from me backing off of her and not pressuring her into anything and just trying to be her friend. Have to stay on that track.
If you aren't a little scared of your dreams...then they aren't big enough.
Me: 38 XW: 37 M: 3 1/2 years Together 7 1/2 years Son: 8 Bomb: June/2006 Papers sent to me: March/2007 D Final: June 19th, 2007
Quote: Really weird though isn't it? Trying to be a friend to someone you are married to and were at one point. Seems like it shouldn't be this hard.
I'm with you, bro! It IS wierd, and it SEEMS like it shouldn't be this hard, I agree, but I try and imagine it like this: I imagine how I felt years ago when I broke up with a girlfriend who didn't want to end the relationship, but I did. Usually, by the time a young single person actually gets around to ending it, it's been over for a while anyhow.
So I try to imagine what it would have been like for me to decide to emotionally connect with someone I had already broken up with. I remember one girl in particular that I got very close to in college for a couple of months then realized, I didn't want it to progress. She was very happy with me, but I just wanted out. She tried to get back together from time to time, but I just said "No."
I think about that when I think about my sitch, realize my W must feel toward me much like I felt toward that girl back in college. Now, my W and I have a lot more holding us together than that girl and I, and at one point my W and I DID make the commitment to be together for life, so there's more to work with there. But still, it's gotta be tough for her too.
Speaking for myself, I know it's mainly my fault that it's this hard. Our M failed because I quit being her friend, and I quit being her friend because I wasn't always getting what I wanted the way I wanted it, and I responded poorly and immaturely.
We both agree on the point in our R where the seeds of our future failure were sown, both recognize our contributions to it, and have both committed ourselves to, essentially, picking up from that point...because, really, we never truly matured as a couple beyond that point despite our having been together as long as we have, having two kids, etc.
My W's analogy for this is that there is a window between us and all the trouble from years past are layers of paint that have that window stuck shut. A while back she said that the more I'm able to "act as if", the more layers get stripped away, the more the window opens a little, then a little more.
If I start being too negative or putting any pressure on her, she slams the window shut, a fresh coat of paint gets slapped on, and I'm/we're set farther back.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
