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I am trying to see where I am going and I think I just need to maybe step back and allow, I dunno.

I am feeling stronger and I want to keep feeling this way but sometimes he makes it hard. I realize we have come a long way and still have alot of work to do...

We have been reconciled for 3 months now and now it seems old patterns want to emerge,, I see that when he makes me feel toooooooooooooo much I want to retreat.

.. instead of move forward like I used to when I was in full db mode,,, this is not good.I must keep working on this and remember it will not happen overnite. I fel scared but must continue to move forward for my myself and for this M to survive.
God bless...

Hey Ali,

I read somewhere it takes as many months as the number of years in your M to reconcile. Maybe this helps you with a time frame. Probably just gives you an idea - but you are on the right track about how you have come so far, but still have a long way to go.

Hang in there. Stay the course. You cannot change your H - but what you do, how you think, how you carry yourself AFFECTS you H. This alone that continue the positive butterfly affect you have going in your M. It is not easy - but most things in life that are worth fighting for are not easy.

(((((((((Ali)))))))))

God Bless,

Santhony

I am scared that I am gong into my cave and he will lose me like he did awhile ago, I am still present but then I am very distant. I am working on this actively,, he called me several times today about work and I had to force myself to be upbeat ,, Thank you all for your support,, I really need it right now!!!
God bless...

I am watching everything you do under my careful eye instead of just being,,,,, you reach out to me and then you push me away are you scared too?

I am a full grown Woman and sometimes I just wanna pull my knees into my chest and cry,
cry cause I love you,,,
cry cause you scare me,,,cause you love me
cry cause you scare me,,, cause you seem to hold my heart in your hand and yet I now it is mine,,,,

cry cause I have to let go and let God and it is easier said than done.
When you were lost it was easier to let go and now that you are back it seems I want to hold on so tight that I may suffocate you,,

I want to hold you tight but I do not ,,,

and then I think I do not hold you at all,

I need to hold you some and just enough and I do not seem to find the Happy middle place where I hold you and you feel good and I do too and noone is suffocating. I hold on too tight and sometimes you do too,, I want for this fear to go away.

I just want to be , I want to feel good here and be satisfied. I feel sometimes like I am stealing you and you do not want to be taken and other times I cannot fill you up enough,, this is so hard and somedays it would be so much easier to give up like you tried to but I cannot,, I cannot just throw my hands up and walk away.
Because whether I am near or far my love for you follows me around and it does not die,,,

I want to see myself in your eyes to love you without fear and when I get there I think that will be the greatest thing I have learned to do,, I am not there yet, I profess this beautiful love for you but at my best I know this..

I have this beautiful love all packaged up with THE MOST BEATUTIFUL EXOTIC PAPER AND BOWS YOU WILL EVER SEE BUT I KEEP IT LOCKED UP B/C MAYBE YOU DO NOT WANT IT.

And that is the sad truth WHETHER OR NOT YOU CHOOSE TO RECEIVE IT I NEED TO ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE YOU THIS GIFT AND WHEN I DO THEN I CAN TRULY KNOW I GAVE YOU MY ABSOLUTE BEST EVERY PART OF ME WITHOUT FEAR BUT UNTIL THEN I KNOW I AM NOT GIVING YOU ALL OF ME.And that is what pushed you away before and I am doing it again and for that i am very sorry,, I am going to do my best to let go and leave my fear in the past and give you all of me all the warmth you need all the strength that I have within me,,,
I am scare dbut I am going to try.
I am going to let you see who I really am and I hope it pleases you and you enjoy it.

Leting go is going to be the hardest part,, what if I let go and you let me fall flat on my face and you laugh at me again?
I cannot answer that for you so my gift to you will be to let go and see where I go,, If I fall I will get back up,, will you hold this precious gift and love it or will you act like it is not important to you? I do not know but I need to work on me and let go,,, I must admit to myself that I am holding back too much and how can you feel me if I do not let you in?
Please help me GOd to let go and let him see me...

... really see and feel who I am,, I cannot hold back anymore, I have been holding back a big part of me for too long.
God bless...

" When you're down to nothing, God is up to something."


My friend sent this to me today in an email and I love it so I thought I would share it..

Lights you are a sweetheart Thank you so much for your support I really need it now more than ever and I am sure God placed you in my life for a very good reason.

P.S. Saint Alimari, could you say a prayer for me and my P and my M too?

You got it honey,, and thanks for the ego boost .
I do say that thru all this and all of my pain and me being bold enough to love and forgive that I have a place in Heaven.
.... and so come what may I have faith that If I stand for what I believe in that God is smiling on me and he does bless me.
.... even when they are small blessings thru all of my pain, I rejoice in them.

I get down and feel low but ever since I was a little girl and felt all alone I knew he was there for me,, he is what keeps me strong when I am in agony and have felt like giving up. He is there for me thru this all and I must stand for what I believe in no matter what anyone else may say... ( My H and his ugliness sometimes make me want to give up but I will not)


I have done all I can and now I am ready to try and let go and give more,, my EGO has been placed away but I have come to realize that maybe my ego has still let me hold back for fear of being hurt but I will do my best these next few weeks to give more and if he cannot receive this gift then I will see where I need to go from there.I know now that he will be given this gift even if he may not take care of it but I wil take a chance and throw caution to the wind and see if he can love me the way I need him to,

I have read the 5 ll and I will open it up and read it again,, scary part is my H seems to be physical touch, quality time and words of affirmation too, ( sometimes I feel like I have a big order to fill )

....but most of all he always says show me you love me do not tell me you love me,,

so I cook for him and I show him I love him,, but he has said that he feels like I hold back and he really does not feel me.... ( so I need to work on this )
I have expalined ( not the book at all he does not believe in books, if he only knew a bok and this website helped save our M!!! ) that I love to hear how he feels and I love to hear ILY , he says I show you I love you..


So he is stuuborn I try to speak his love language but he sometimes lets me "starve " and I can only " fill " myself up with Quality time and him showing me,,,but like you said at least then I can try to understand that it is his way of showing me..



I have told him when he say he loves me it fills me up but I do not think he understands how much?!?

Thank you again lights you really made my day...
God bless...

Thanks for checking in on me!!!!
I am actaually going to have a great weekend cause I choose to not b/c my H is making it easy! Thank you very much. Shees I am getting Sassy, I get like that when I am angry...UGH.

He went out last nite with my brother and never came home...
I found out he was at his friends house my good friend dates his friend.. so he finally decides to call and he is joking around with me ( at 10 am, gimme a break..) I was not laughing toooo much. I did not yell but let him know it would be nice if he would have called, that I was worried sick. So then he tried to joke around some more but I was ready to cry( did not let him know I was about to cry).. sure he was trying to be nice and funny and talk to me lightly but I did not think it was funny I was really upset so anyway he said I was just calling to let you know I will be hime in a little while he is still not home and it is 3:35 pm. What angers me the most is he can spend a huge chunk of time drinking at his freinds and being just plain dumb. But he cannot spend that same amout of time with us doing something "we" ( me and the kids want to do).
WE always have to do what he wants and he rarely is ready to do anything that we want to do,, once in great while he will suprise us and be ready to do something fun,, he is a homebody and for yhe most part I am too, but a walk here or to go the local park and the kids can play would be nice too. he acts like he is cutting of his arm if he accomodates us on this so I rarely ask anymore and I am ok with it cause I will do these things with my children but at times he seems very selfish.
He has not done this in a loooong time and now I am afraid he is going to start this again like he used to.
But my sprits are good and my gaurdian angels are not letting me get down,, I dunno if he will ever grow up and it scares me and the funny thing is he will say I am immature...

I am not and he knows it but he thinks he knows everything,, sheesh I sure am bashing him ..

I love him but it is ok not to love his BS. Cause what he did was BS as far as I am concerned,,,, it is not just that he did not come home it is that why could he not have called me and let me know he was ok but he was too drunk to function.

It seems to me that idf he is not having some sort of affair with women he has to have an affair with alchohol,,

I know , i know he has good points too but you know I wonder if I am just being dumb by loving him so or I am being Christian.

I know as God is my witness that I am a very loving Woman but he is trying my patience.

To me is is as though he hates himself and he does not want my love and it is hard to keep getting rejected like that,, I am strong but jeez.... I walk around looking like Catherine Zeta Jones ( almost daily ,, cause he said I used to dress down too much and I am too classy to look bad!! ) and cooking like Martha Stewart and in the bedroom .. and yet I feel like I am not fitting the bill. and then he will say to me that he always felt like he wasnt good enough for me...

I am very confused.......
hE HAS NEVER BEEN TOO SPECIFIC OF WHAT "show me love " MEANS TO HIM HE SAYS I "should " KNOW???
Once in awhile he will tell me little things but for some reason he thinks ( his own words ) if I ahve to tel you then it isnt special when you do it for me,,, so OH yeah I forgot to say I am Houdini too,, I have to "MAGICALLY" guess what he needs.

Let me explain what I do for this man,,,,
he goes to work and I do everything else.. and I am not exaggerating a bit. The day we Reconciled in the morning he cleaned the whole house for me,, he told me that evening he loved me. ( I think I will post it here and you can give me your opinion of it)
Anyway,, I pick out his clothes in the morning.
I prepare him breakfast and now he is on a health kick so I prepare him a protein shake and his Vitamins.
If is is a work day I start cleaning the house we have 4 kids at home and the 5th lives with my mom he is 17.So that may take me awhile .
I help him run our Businness during the day.
Oh I forgot I get the kids off to school.
When the kids arrive I have dinner ready for them.
When hubby arrives I have the house immaculate and myself looking as "HOT" ((((LMAO)))) as possible. HOT in a Jackie O // Catherine Zeta Jones way not Pamela Anderson BTW.. LMAO again..
Ad you get the idae I spoil the h*ll out of him every chance I get. I also am a D*MN good cook if I say so myself he rarely and I mean rarely eats anything out of a box or freezer ready. Once in awhile he will give me time off ( for good behavoir??? ) and order out fod.
And you know what I do it without resentment or thinking why theF*ck do I have to do this..Well I better stop cause I am getting really SASSY NOW!!!!
GOD bless...

Light can you read this,, and I know you are not a mind reader but maybe you can help me unlock the mystery that is my hubby,, cause I forgot to post something he said during this day when he was professing his love for me that he said I am scared . I mean the obvious is he is scared I will "hurt" him again but maybe you can give me further insight...


when he said I am scared I replied dont be scared I will take care of you and love you.pretty vague but I was sort of dumbfounded when all this transpired...
And sometimes when I say Dont worry I will take care of you he says you always say that and you never do...


....he said to me a week ago when he was angry that I CAN Change I just do not want to!!
....and of course he would not elaborate... Thanks sweetie...



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SUPER EXTRAORDINARY UPDATE...


DIVORCE BUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!
WE are no longer D'ing, these past two days have been absolutely fabulous my Husband stayed home from work, on Tuesday I had already planned to take my kids swimming, the heat here was bad. He was home and said "Sure go ahead",,, he has not said something like that in a very, very long time. If ever.He usually would rather we stay home.
When the kids and I were gone he cleaned the whole house,!!!!????
He had stayed home cause he was a little under the weather.!!??
The kids had a great time swimming and playing with frogs at the pond. We were gone a little over 3 hours, upon my our return he came downstairs in a great mood, I gave him a hug and he was teasing me that I took soooooooooooo long and he missed me!?? ( he was talking in his cute pouty baby voice that just makes me melt)
We had a great afternoon with the kids! This September will be our 10th Annivesary and scary but, I feel like it is going to be our best. He has also grown up sooooooooooooo much, he treats me the way I have always wanted. Like when he first met me and better! I could not be happier.
Later that day when he and I were alone he proceeded to talk to me as though he were writing a Hallmark card,,,
I wasn't sure if I was dreaming.

I think I had a little of my "Yeah Right" face on ,
( If you remember he told me just a little over 2 weeks ago not to let his behavior confuse me we were still going to D)
plus no tears (usually I am a highly emotional, sentimental person )

.... so he says to me "Ali, I am really serious about all this." to which "I reply " I know you are and if you keep reminding me how serious this is I will start crying."
The most beautiful thing he said to me is "LET'S LOVE EACHOTHER FOR A LONG , LONG TIME." I told him " I will love you for all the days of my life..."
He asked "You promise?" I said "I promise."
I said "So, you are my husband?" he replied "Yes and you are my wife."
He told me he was really happy. I make him happy and he thinks about me all day long at work...


( WoooooooooooooooooooooW!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
What struck me the most odd was his concern regarding my feelings towards him. During our conversation he was not so sure of how much I love him?? which seems odd to me, or maybe he thinks cause of the pain he caused me???( Any thoughts on this?) I dunno, but I will have to continue to show him even more love. I thought I was pouring it on.!?
He even talked @ building me a house.
Somebody pinch me, no nevermind this feels good.
After all the tears and heartache do not pinch me ,walking around feeling like I am dreaming is better than the dull ache my heart carried for awhile there. It was a pain I NEVER want to feel again an actual physical sensation in my chest, I never knew hurt like that before. I will spend the rest of my days making him happy, loving him. I also prayed soooooooooo much, Thank you GOD for this blessing. And thank you so much to you all for your support.
I have worked really hard to grow as a person and Focusing on me has really payed off.
So everyday I must be better than the day before, to have an amazing husband I must be an amazing wife.
I will keep updating for awhile, I pray they all will be better and better, now I must keep the changes and polish them up so they are even better and continue to grow as a Woman and give my husband the BEST of me, no holding back...
God bless you all and thanks again, you all mean alot to me.
I couldn't have done it all by myself. Your support really made a difference and the book helped me to let go of alot of things that were not working for me and helped me focus on me. Thank you MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS FOR GIVING PEOPLE THE TOOLS TO SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE. My life will never be the same, this "Second Chance" will not ever, ever be taken for granted. My family means the world to me and my husband is my best friend, lover and partner for life. I feel so, so blessed. God is good.
God bless...


--------------------

You are a doll,, no he does not frequently do this but there was a time when he did and it was endless misery for me.
I used to get LIVID and I am Latina so yeah he would have to hear me whether he wanted to or not, it was not good we never got anywhere but headed toward the D word....

((((Here is a picture of me and my girls it is pretty silly but I thought I would share it http://www.xanga.com/alimari
My 14 year old started this private Journal for me when I was seperated cause he knows how I love to write...He is a sweetie and he saw how much pain I was in and was trying to cheer me up.))))
So like I have said before when he said he wanted a D in May something in me snapped and I took a long hard look at myself and let go ... kept all the beautiful that I am and let go of all the ugly. It was actually quite liberating and it gave ME so much power. So even though he seems to hold the reigns I really do he just pretends he does.

We talked some when he called me to pick him up and I will talk to him again tommorrow when he is more sober ,,,, he apologized many times and he said he loved me so many times I lost count,, I gently reminded him I would like him to tell me he loves me more often as it is nice for me to hear and not just when he is "with spirits".

You are right on all three points he to sum it up does not know he needs to love himself first and let my love compliment his for himself,, one day hopefully he will learn this. I dunno when but thank God I have the patience of a Saint or I would not be here posting all the time, and if I had not worked so hard on my own issues and self esteem when he took me to h*ll awhile back I would not be so strong today.

When he does these things he actually makes me a stronger woman cause I know I love him but I do not need him to live,, he can walk along side me but I will no longer walk behind him and be afraid to step on his toes or be a strong independent woman. On this board I show you all how much I love him and How beautiful I can be but make no mistake I am not some scared little mouse. I approach every issue or anger I have with him in a very serene way and yes if he does not change it will be sad for me, but I will survive ..


Life is too short to not rejoice in it and enjoy all the beauty it has,, I am not going to waste anymore time being sad or trying to fix him,, I will love him all the days of my life but I am no longer holding my breath,, God has placed to much beauty on this earth for us all to enjoy,, I will be d*mned if I sit around waiting for him to satisfy my every need,,

I am strong enough and love myself enough to stand on my own two feet. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and him alone but I do not own him and he does not own me.... he can give me love and I will receive it with open arms but he also has the right to fall down and if he wants to I will be there to help him up and brush of his knees,, I will be here for him but again I will no longer be the doormat I have been.

and under--------------- NO ------------circumstances will I help him brush of his knees if he chooses to be with another again......cause he is my Michael Douglas but I will not allow myself to be hurt like this again.... And actually I saw a pic of catherine Zeta Jones today and she is relly thin now,, so I better lay off the Mexican food some and get back to eating healthy ,, I am a leaning towards Marilyn Monroe these days-- LMAO----

Oh yes and a ? for you I noticed what you do for a living and wow I am impressed.... have you heard of the Perrricone prescription,,, or Dr Sears The Zone?? Do you know much about eating healthy? Sheesh you are going to have to send me a bill for Marital Help and "diet"dvice now too? LOL.
I do have a sweet tooth but for the most part I eat really healthy,, I thought with your background you would know what fuels a healthy body,, I am 35 and want to stay healthy as long as I can and of course stay looking young too.. Sheesh now I sound vain,, I really am not just want to be around along time to enjoy the granchildren my 5 children may one day bless me with... Thank you so much for your support you have helped me stay really grounded. I do so appreciate it. And last nite when I could not sleep I prayed for you extra.... God bless you sweetie.. and I cannot Thank You enough. God has really blessed me with you and others here who are so kind and generous.

And by the way not to bash my own race but I think only in my culture does a man think he can get away with staying out all nite...I am proud of my Heritage it has SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH beauty in it and good old fashioned values( (((I get compliments all the time on our children , One teacher even wanted my H and I to give classes on Parenting cause we are teaching our children to be so respectful and kind and well mannered,, she said alot of teachers in the scool are so impressed with what we have done with our children she almost made me cry....) )))and then it also has some parts that are mind boggling to others....even at times mind boggling to me???
God bless .....

Hey Ali-

Just catching up on your sitch. You sound like you are doing magnificent!!! You seem to making great progress for yourself and in the process continue to bring your H closer to you in the M.

One thing I have thought about - your H seems to always need reassurance that you love him. Just my 2 cents, but it seems like maybe since he has PA with someone else - he is afraid (especially since you have continued to improve yourself) you don't love him or will find someone else. He seems insecure and unsure of himself. Again - really points towards the idea of lack of self-esteem. This is somethign that seems to plague most WASs and those that have EA/PAs. Just a thought.

You keep doing what you are doing. Keep being beautiful you. And yes - you do have the patience of a saint!

((((((Ali))))))

God Bless,

Santhony