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I acept his calls b/c in the past he sed I was unavailable to him That could be taken in many ways. Did he specifically say unavailable by phone? I feel H is unavailable to me, but in the event that he would answer the phone if I would call him would not change the fact that he is unavailable to me in all the other ways of a H.

I am damned if I do damned if I dont Correct. So what would make YOU feel better and give YOU some peace of mind? Is it making you feel better to take/make those calls?

I acept his calls b/c in the past he sed I was unavailable to him
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To answer your question he has sed both by phone and just me,, And I must admit beneath the surface I always am waiting for him to say what he sed to me yesterday.
So maybe I come off as unavailable????


.... but I do not feel so and yet if he is saying this I feel like I take responsibilty fot it even though he can voice this aloneness in a different way.
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Is it making you feel better to take/make those calls?
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yes and no I want to pretnd he never sed this and he is just feeling low and then I think I should talk @ it//
I am so sorry I sound so pathetic but he has sed this many times during our M and he sed yesterday too I just ddo not want to change I can but I wont he sed to me..


Thank you so much for taking time to post to me I feel lost right now and like I have to start over again, I am feeling like I am not up to dooing this anymore,, he gets this "feeling" alot when he says he feels alone and lost and he then feels it means he should not be with me cause I do not "make him happy,, have already recommended counseling even when we were seperated and he wil not go , I told him to go for him and not for any other resaon..

I feel so scared at this point scared for my kids scared for him and scared for me..

God bless...

Ali,
You have come so far on this journey, now is not the time to quit.
OK, quick question for you (don't yell at me)where are you right now in your cycle?
I know that for me, the time when I have the most insecurities and allow the demons in my head to run free is when I am premenstrual.
As for the "unavailable" I don't believe it means answering the phone.
My Husband also told me this.
He felt like I was not there for him and was always so busy with everything else and everyone else.
This is when he reconnected with an old friend, someone to talk to.
Now I pay attention to his words.
I listen and validate and have found it is so much easier to build him up then to tear him down....
Even when I don't feel like it, I do it.

Even when I don't feel like it, I do it.



thank you for replying, I do not know why but when you reply to my posts it really hits home, you made me cry.
No I actually just had my monthly but yes I get really emotional too,

I can just feel when he pulls away I always have. I know he loves me but this hurts that he just throws around those words so lightly,, I have been occasionally dragged thru the depths of h*ll by him and I get up brush off my knees and try again,, I feel scared that I want to just give up to.

I do not think I will ever stop loving him for as long as I live I just feel love for him always in my heart and I have told him this,, AND I GUESS THAT AFTER ALL HE HAS PUT ME THRU I PUT UP A WALL,, a military type wall that I would not let him in, I feel as though I finally let him in.

But from what he tells me and even if he seems unreasonable
expecting me to move mountains and be exactly what he needs me to be I always try but I feel the fight leaving my body like if he cannot see my love I dunno what else to do.

I am really going to work on this but I will admit it is really hard,, I feel like I give him everything but at the same time I do live with the dread that he will leave again and I think it does spill over into my love for him and my interactions with him...

I have always been trying to fight this feeling of mine but as a child I never felt safe and really noone not one person ever showed me I was valuable or that I was loved and I have carried that with me for a while my H has these same issues only he does not talk about them,, he knows his Dad always loved him but he was abused by his mother both Mentally and Physically as a child ...

I know I still have work to do to just be free, that is why I titled this thread finally feel free,, but I have a ways to yet I see now cause when he pulls the rug I fall hard.

Also I do realize that his inner demons take over and I can not fill him up enough and when I get "comfortable" with him as he says I think it is uncomfortable for him cause he is not comfortable with himself..

I dunno just rambling what comes into my head..


I know these things...

I know that I love him
I know that that he loves me

and I know that that is not enough,,
I know I am scared , scared to love him , scared not love him,, scared to jump in with both feet and not look back not wait for the other shoe to fall.

I know that he has a power of me like no other, when I see hoim I melt like I havenot seen him for 10 years,, he is my everything and when I ask him if knows this he replies no..

I know I can not give up
I know I have to try harder even if it seems hard, I have to try harder even if it seeems like I am walking backwards.
I know I truly feel weary and I need to get down on my knees and pray and then get back up and try harder.


I did this when he cheated the first time( never got confirmed by him), I did this the second time when I got a letter in the mail and it was for a DNA test and then he had to admit it, and the third confirmed time this April when he admitted to an EA that ended in febryary and then the fourth time when he sed it was over with the "OW".

I have gotten trhu all that with the help of GOD but like I sed now I am feeling weary,, he even sed last nite this is not @ other girls I am here at my parents,, well thank you for the info and if you are refering to me as a girl too I thought OH H*LL NO I AM ALL WOMAN...

I have to get up off the floor and get to bussiness,, this will only make stronger,, I acn feel the strength coming into me as I type this and even a little while before I read your post,, I can do this I acn love him but can he open up HIS heart and let me in,, I will vow to myself to work harder to show love and be open and available but can he receive it?

That is the 20 million dollar question..
GOD bless...

Ali
I am really curious.
I just feel as though your whole life is about your Husband not you.
What do you do for yourself?
I do understand what it means to love someone so deeply and commit your whole life to them.
I have been in love with my Husband for about 22 years.
But I think there also has to be a balance.
It seems like you are always making amends and making the peace for what he does.
Are you afraid to make him angry?
I used to have that fear, especially in the worst part of my H's MLC. I was afraid that if I made him mad then I would have no chance left at restoration.
But I was also getting more and more miserable inside being a freaking puppet and keeping my mouth shut so as not to disturb the sleeping monster.
Piecing your marriage together is supposed to be the very thing that you were praying about and now you are walking on eggshells instead of being yourself.
To thine own self be true.

((((Ali))))

I was going to post something similar to Brandnewday.

I see a LOT of you judging your success/failure based on what his reaction to you is. Your entire sense of well-being seems wrapped up in him. Your center is not within you, it's in Mexico right now being stifled.

If you are truly on the path toward reconciliation, your H has to contribute something to that. It can't be you throwing yourself out there, only to be rebuffed 99% of the time.

Your H can be, and lately IS an abusive jerk. If he is totally unable to process that and admit that his continuing to be that way towards you is a large part of the problem, then that's not good.

I know you want a "pick-me-up" right now Ali, but I think you have somehow forgotten that there is no such think other than that which you manifest from within.

Your happiness is so externalized right now and so you continue to be pulled down further and further as it slips away from you.

Take control back. Take your happiness back from him, the world, everyone. Just BE.

You are trying SO hard to keep your sanity but you're only guarding the front door, all the while it escapes out the back and he's driving the get-away car.

Shoot out the tires and calmly walk out to get what's yours.

I see in you the capacity for love and living beyond what you are showing right now.

You can't control him, nor should you accept him long-term without him learning to control himself.

Ali, you are a strong woman and if things go that way in my sitch, my W renewing her destructive behavior after I thought we were working things out, I would likely loose it too but I would hope you would be there to tell me that I need not loose my sanity, my hope, my love, just because things don't go the way I want them to.

If we learn nothing from all this other than that life doesn't EVER conform to our expectations, we have learned one of life's most elusive lessons.

Learn to take back your life today Ali. I know you can do that. I know you can.

GH

This came in a daily inspirational email a while ago, I posted it on my thread. Maybe it will help you too.

It's Your Choice
A tale is told about the Buddha, Gautama (563-483BC), the Indian
prince and spiritual leader whose teachings founded Buddhism. This
short story illustrates that every one of us has the choice whether or
not to take personal offence from another person's behaviour.

It is said that on an occasion when the Buddha was teaching a group of
people, he found himself on the receiving end of a fierce outburst of
abuse from a bystander, who was for some reason very angry.

The Buddha listened patiently while the stranger vented his rage, and
then the Buddha said to the group and to the stranger, "If someone
gives a gift to another person, who then chooses to decline it, tell
me, who would then own the gift? The giver or the person who refuses
to accept the gift?"

"The giver," said the group after a little thought. "Any fool can see
that," added the angry stranger.

"Then it follows, does it not," said the Buddha, "Whenever a person
tries to abuse us, or to unload their anger on us, we can each choose
to decline or to accept the abuse; whether to make it ours or not. By
our personal response to the abuse from another, we can choose who
owns and keeps the bad feelings."

Thank you all so much for your posts and youR kindness,,,
BND.. yes it seems that my world is him b/c I allow him to suck me into his pain and anger and internalize it.. bad.
Also I am a very intelligent articulate, bright, funny,amazing woman and he knows this and I know this and yet I allow him to take it from me oce in awhile.

I was so strong towards the end of our sepration < I had detached enough from him not to let him get to me.
I would love to have lots of outtside interests but his business takes alot of my time and also I have 5 kids,, one lives with my MOM and the other four are at home. I also maitain my home and it is mostly always very clean, gets a litttle messy from time to time b/c of the kids.
An example of my day is this..
I get up and check the weather( My H wworks outside , consturction and runs 4 crews) . I "help" my H get ready for his day it is too early for breakfast but on days it is not I make him one, not cereal ever< I make him a good ol Fashioned hearty one... he is off to work and I start my day, I get the kids ready fro school and then I proceed to clean the house put laundry in etc, etc, and then thru out the day I need to keep tabs on the weather and also give directions to jobsites when the street is Hard to find on map,, I organize receipts from days before and then sometimes it seems as if my day is gone and I prepare dinner for my children,, they get home from school and give them their dinner and I then will sometimes < most times< cook my H something entirely different. I make homeade salsa, homeade everything we are hispanic,, anyway you get the jist of my day,, and that is a simple easy day,, there are days of course when things do not go so smoothly...


Basically like I say to my friends he goes to work and yes that is a hard job but I do everything else,, I balance the check book send the bills out etc. etc. And here is a picture of me ,, my 14 year old thought I should get a private xanga space cause he knows I like to journal my days,,
but I have yet to start there b/c I am always here http://www.xanga.com/alimari He is my only child plus my 17 year old that knew of the seperation. He made it private so that I could keep my thoughts in there and noone would see he told me,, it is an electronic private journal he told me.. I am remarried so my H's little ones who are 9,8,7 never knew.
Anyway I guess I am rambling but I cannot sleep I haveto get up tomorrow at 4 am to check the weather and get an invoice out and get the crews the addresses to go their jobsites,, this is what my H normally does.. I see now why when he is home he gets stressed once in awhile... so this is what is so perculiar that he is on "vacation" and being so ugly.
And actually almost everytime he goes down there in the past few years except for once he suddenly gets ugly with me.. he will walways say I am not being like this cause I am down here,, even when I do not say that is why he is being ugly..
GH- you are sooo right too and yes I wanted to be lifted up a little but you know I soooooo appreciate your input,, I actually Thank God that anyone would respond to me on Sunday it is a blessing...When we first reconciled In August and up until a couple of weks ago I felt that we were headed in the right direction he was changing and not being angry ,, we FINALLY got thru the other woman stuff and he was being awesome and respecting me,,, the old him was gone and little by little it is coming back..
And yes I have to find me again and your post made me cry,, you are so right,, I am guarding the door and WHAM he still makes off with me, my self esteem and my worth,, I dunno he sort of blindsided me this past week nice ,hot ,cold ,flirting then ugly. I cannot keep up.

WCW- thank you for that IT did really help and that is has I had been these past 2 weeks or even during this whole ordeal,, I let him keep his anger so I dunno why I am feeling so weak,, I thought about it alot today and I think the weakness comes from him being in Mexico and so close in proximity to where the "OW" lives,, cause I was doing so wel in my own strenth and not being weak.
I was feeling so good about myself and not feeling scared just a little apprehensive that he was going and now this..

Anyway he will arrive on Wed. and I already feel bettter as I type this and after reading everything you all wrote..

I am going to work on me and love him but like I stated this morning if he continues as much as I love him which is an unconditonal love and b/c my heart is his . I do not think I can live like this with him much longer,, I will always love him but that does not mean I have to put up wwith him treating me like this,,I refuse to give up but need to find me again.

just before he left I was working on my assertiveness and he loved it and now that he is down there he seems to have just turned around and wants me to be this scared little mouse...

AT 9 pm I just got done going thru invoices with his bosses nephew and I have to make adjustments to them, which I will do when I am done posting here...I also believe this is why I allow what he says to hurt and I am going to have to let him own it from now on and not get weak anymore b/c I am a good WIFE, MOTHER AND OVERALL I AM A beautiful Human Being and treat others with sooo much respect and my H too, so it hurts when I live with integrity and get treated like I am yesterdays trash.All the while we were seperated AND EVEN AFTER I FOUND OUT @ "ow" I PRAYED FOR HIM AND NOT FOR GOD TO MAKE HIM LOVE ME AGAIN BUT TO HELP HIM AND RESTORE HIM AND HELP HIM TO FIND HAPPINESS,, he is back with me but inside he is not happy and does not love himself and only he can give himself that gift and the sad part is he still does not get it,,I can love him until I AM BLUE IN THE FACE AND UNTIL HE LOVES HIMSELF HE WILL NOT FEEL ME...
God bless...

Good morning Ali,

Please reread what WCW, GH, and BND wrote. I see this in you - your Happiness is defined by the state of your H. Like it or not - your H has his own problems (anger, moodiness, expects you to jump when he says so, ....). You cannot define your happiness by him. You will go crazy.

You have made a ton of progress - yes - this is NOT the time to quit. But you need to figure out how to isolate yourself from this garbage. You have more than shown your H how much you love him. For him to even suggest that over the phone (which BTW - you are not there to show him anything) that you need to show him you love him not tell him is crap! You have done nothing but try to please him. He wants everything but doesn't appear to give much.

Until he realizes what his problems are - he is in denial. I know that this is like - denial is a horrible monster. But he has to figure this out. You have to continue to be beautiful you! You have to work on your happiness and not allow your H to drive your mood(I know it's hard.).

Hang in there. I will pray for you.

God Bless,

Santhony

honey, i'm so sorry you had a horrible weekend! (welcome to the club it was no picnic for me either, as you can see I even changed my name, my H asked me if I'd seen his black diary, so, time for a new face)

Lov, you do so much, but then, I wonder, if you cut back or change the stuff you do so you don't have so much in your hands would it help you? I now realize if something I've always done because I thought it had to be done but creates resentment for me, then maybe I should STOP doing it.

I know this isn't the core of the prob, but I know that little things like that created a huge mountain of resentment for me. I'm also gun-ho about homemade food, but a hotdog or a bologni sandwich for dinner wont' kill the kids now and then, find more time for yourself, to make yourself happy.

What do you do for yourself? do you have at least a few hrs on your own? find yourself again, love that person and you'll find your boundaries again, boundaries that your H should not trample on anymore.

Hugs honey)))))))))))