Forgive me if this is not helpful or constructive but your H sounds like an a$$. I know that does not define him but you have to realize that when I talk about my anger issues I just mean that I get visibly frustrated, yell at the kids and get defensive with my W instead of calmly discussing things that bother me.
For your H to say those things to you really bothers me. I'm guessing that this is something he's always done. To me it's verbal abuse and at some point if your marriage is to continue, he's going to have to get that under control.
Again, it's one thing to have the occasional time when you raise your voice to make a point, i.e. "HONEY, I ASKED YOU TO GET ME THE DIRECTIONS. ISN'T THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN JUST DO THAT INSTEAD OF TELLING ME ALL THAT OTHER STUFF I DON'T NEED TO KNOW!!!" It's another all together to make it personal, i.e. "LOOK YOU STUPID B!TCH, I ASKED YOU TO GET ME THE DIRECTIONS NOT GO OFF ON ONE OF YOUR RETARDED RANTS ABOUT THIS AND THAT. YOU ARE SO STUPID IT HURTS."
You see what I am saying? Anger issues are one thing, making it THAT personal as your H seems to like to do is more than just a hot temper. I would LOVE to see you get with a C to start working this out. Preferably both of you, but I also think you need to see an IC too (him as well) if you can afford it because there seems to be a need for some boundaries.
All that said, I think YOUR behavior in response to his inexcusable behavior is wonderful. You have learned to detach as much as possible and that is a helpful skill to have.
Just realize that at some point if your marriage is going to be "fixed" then these issues of HIS will have to be addressed. While it's all well and good to get past the affair and the subsequent emotions by detaching, I don't think you should have to live your life in fear over the next time he's going to turn into Mr. Hyde on you.
Ali, you seem like you've REALLY got it together. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to eventually join you in that.
For now, stay the course but I would not allow yourself to settle back into a marriage that include this pattern of what SEEMS from the outside looking in to be verbal abuse.
GH
P.S. Since I am new to your sitch, forgive me if this is a beaten horse...
Alimari, hon, I agree w/grasshopper. One thing is to turn the other cheek (forgiving the A) another is to let him abuse you. By the second time he called you stupid you should've put your foot down and told him "call me back when you've calmed down because i WILL NOT allow you to talk to me that way, I'm trying to help you and I dont' need to her you calling me names"
You dont' need to just sit there and take it, hang up the phone and tell him to find his own way. I know he is with your D, but let him get out of the mess himself, let him find a way there.
Whenever I feel my H getting too loud (heaven forbid if her EVER called me anything!!) I tell him I'm just not going to talk to him until he calms down, and to take a break. You are letting him walk all over you, he has a huge anger problem, and I bet your D was listening too, what message is she getting? that mom loves dad unconditionally? no, she is getting the message that it is OK for a H to verbally abuse her W.
Hon, you know I'm on your side, but you need to stop the name calling NOW. If he starts to get too angry just tell him you both need a break and that you won't allow anyone to disrespect you nor call you names, that is just plain abusive.
My H (who also has an anger prob ) also gets frustrated and raises his voice, but he'll never lash out at me with the full intent of demeaning me and making me feel 1-inch tall.
Do get a C, it should help you lots, you need a third party to see the sitch from afar. There seems to be a pattern in which he is very mean to you, then latter he apologizes and thinks all is alright, it isnt alright.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
If I am to understand this right - are you navigating him from the phone? Why doesn't he have is own map and have plotted his own course before he left? I mean, I would be horribly frustrated if I was trying to find my way while someone navigated me over the phone. HOWEVER, the only person I can/should get frustrated with is myself! It is my responsibility to know where the heck I am going - and your H should take responsibility for this. Again, maybe I read this wrong.
... ACTUALLY YOU READ THIS RIGHT AND EXACTLY HOW I FELT.... He has the responsibility,, but he says I do not care about him if I can not help him and proceeded to verbally abuse me... HE DID HAVE A MAP HE HUST LIKES TO BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING...I guess he is blind cause he is an ADULT and should know it is HIS resposibilty,, he has driven it many , countless times... UGH.
Quite simply put - you are a person and you have value. You can calmly tell your H that "I am on your side. I am trying to help you not hurt you right now. But I am not going to stay on the phone if you continue to yell at me or get frustrated with me. I am trying to help. I understand your frustration and would be frustrated too. But if we work together, perhaps we can figure this out."
I did this just minutes ago on the phone with him before I even read this,,, I am not as "dumb" as he thinks I am,, or pretends to think I am,, and know I do not think I am dumb,, I am very, very Intelligent BTW,,, But we already knew that I diffussed him and it felt good,, I hope when he comes home he is relaxed...
For your H to say those things to you really bothers me. I'm guessing that this is something he's always done. To me it's verbal abuse and at some point if your marriage is to continue, he's going to have to get that under control. -----------------------------------------------------------
I agree with you completely and no you are not offending me I soooo appreciate your input,, that is why I asked you specifically to stop by and help me.. I did not think you got to this point in anger ,,( thank GOD )I just knew you could help me with this... and yes he has always done this it used to be daily sometimes a few times a day now it is not as often maybe once twice a month,, but I would like it to stop,,, I will be working on it,,,
... this is something we have talked about.. part of the problem is he thinks his behavior is fine.
He is the "MAN" of the house and he can get angry whenever he chooses. WRONG. And like I have told him in the past this behavior DEEPLY, DEEPLY, hurts me. My LL is words and his cut like a knife....He almost convinces me that I overeact to his anger and that is why I posted all this ugliness so that I can know that I am right in feeling------------> this is way over the top..
THANK YOU again and I look forward to hearing more of your input in the future.... God bless...
Do get a C, it should help you lots, you need a third party to see the sitch from afar. There seems to be a pattern in which he is very mean to you, then latter he apologizes and thinks all is alright, it isnt alright. -------------------------------------------------------
thanks hon,,,, I am going to get a C cause I need to,, for my Happiness,,
...and yes this has to stop or our "M that we are working so hard to make beautiful will not be in my eyes, only his.
He has the misconception of thinking that he can later erase any ugliness with being super sweet,, I may act sweet in return cause it is who I am but it stil hurts and I do call him on it now... but better than constantly having to call him on it.. I would like to help him learn that this is UNACCEPTABLE,, you can get angry I have always told him but hurting me is not an option,,,,, he still does not get it...
I know he is better than this but he does not...the day he realizes his worth and treats me with that sort of love he needs to give himself we will have arrived.... God bless....
Ali, I offer this from my own experience with my W.
I have said SO many times since all this started "Why didn't you just tell me xxxx or xxxx". She said she thought I knew how she felt since she'd told me so many times before and didn't want to nag. I told her that her accepting my "bad" behavior and not calling me on it was tantamount to her thinking that I THOUGHT it was ok to be that way. I didn't think it was ok, and felt terrible about it but I guess I was asking for help to stop, mainly exactly what others are suggesting you do. Calmly, simply walk away from the conversation, offering to start it back again when he calms down. I know it was my responsibility to control my own anger, as it is your H's but I also believe that you/my W can help in the process of at least pointing out when it's beyond "normal". I assure you, as you say, HE thinks most of the time it's ok. Tell him it's not EVERY time it's not.
I WISH my W would have done that instead of building resentment for me and thinking I was an a$$hole all these years. Until therapy and a lot of reading, I didn't realize what I was doing and her way of "telling" me was to attack me back or just get upset. If there was some way she could have been calm and just told me what I was doing THEN WALK AWAY NO MATTER WHAT MY REACTION WAS (this is important because she used to say she didn't want to call me on my anger because it would make things worse, all verbal mind you, never physical) I think I could have learned to recognize it myself sooner and either learned to control it or seek help for it.
This whole idea of the "MAN of the house" is not one I subscribe to, or at least the way I think your H means it. I think it's crap and if he is going to continue to believe he has "dominion" over you then you are probably going to be dealing with these issues for longer than you'd like, i.e. forever.
You are a partner, not a subject. You are not his slave nor child. You are his wife and as such, deserving of your own voice and most of all, respect from him but first you have to find that voice in you and respect yourself enough to demand respect from him.
Would you say your husband's behavior (insults) is typical? Is this something he has done throughout the marriage or only more recent and part of MLC?
When he's home you might want to talk with him about it. Share how much it hurts and how upset it makes you feel to hear these things. Ask him what he might be able to do instead of saying these things. If this is something he has always done throughout your marriage, I wonder where he learned it from.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
The thing is, I think it goes beyond the "H, this hurts me when you do this". It's about being just plain wrong. It's like telling the physically abused person to sit their spouse down and tell them it hurts when they slam them against the wall.
I guess what I am saying in this post and my last, is that I think the overall conversation, the "big" one she has with H should be of the "this is totally unacceptable behavior by a H towards his W and I won't have it anymore." The daily conversation/reminder I advocated is simply to underscore CONSTANTLY that this will not be accepted. It can be done with compassion and love but also a firmness that comes from knowing that this is simply not hurtful to Ali, but it would be hurtful to ANYONE.
It's not personal. It's not a sensativity in Ali that makes it wrong, it's general accepted human behavior when in a relationship, ANY relationship that makes it wrong.
This whole idea of the "MAN of the house" is not one I subscribe to, or at least the way I think your H means it. I think it's crap and if he is going to continue to believe he has "dominion" over you then you are probably going to be dealing with these issues for longer than you'd like, i.e. forever. I AM AFRAID FOREVER IS VERY APPROPRIATE IF HE CAN NOT SEE THAT IT IS unacceptable....
You are a partner, not a subject. You are not his slave nor child. You are his wife and as such, deserving of your own voice and most of all, respect from him but first you have to find that voice in you and respect yourself enough to demand respect from him. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL AND I lOVE WHAT YOU POSTED AFTER THIS TOO, THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND I WILL READ THEM ALOT OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS AS I WILL START TO ADDRESS THIS each and every time he does it,, I FELT LIKE I HAD LEARNED TO USE MY VOICE THAT WAS QUIET FOR SOOOOOOOO LONG BUT SEE NOW THAT I NEED TO USE IT MORE TO RESPECTFULLY GET HIM TO CHANGE WITHOUT HIM FEELING LIKE I AM NAGGING AN THEN HE WILL USE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO KEEP BEHAVING LIKE THIS
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO KEEP TABS ON ME GOD BLESS...
TAHNK YOU ALL SOOOOOOOOO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART ... FOR YOUR SUPPORT IT HAS HELPED ME ALOT.... It has given me alot of food for thought.... I am blessed to have you all care so much. God bless.....
I diffussed him and it felt good,, I hope when he comes home he is relaxed... 
and yes he has always done this it used to be daily sometimes a few times a day now it is not as often maybe once twice a month,, but I would like it to stop,,, I will be working on it,,,