This is great, but it would be good if you didn't have to "make" him apologize. A true apology should come from within him, when he's ready to give it. If he only apologizes when you make him do it, how do you know he's really sorry?
YEAH YOU ARE RIGHT ..I sit here awake wondering why I try so hard why I never give up. I really really do wonder sometimes why I chose to forgive when it still hurts sooooooooooooo much when will I feel better when will I be able to be free of the pain he caused me? I dunno.
I am tired of the pain I am tired of crying...
I feel sad tonite and sometimes everyday so I try to stay positive and be me.. In the end if he does not change and I can not endure the pain where do I go what do I do. I can only pray that he will grow up... Another Miracle I guess. This is so hard Honey so hard. God bless....
You are doing the right thing by standing by him, but you also need to take care of YOU. Just remember that. This isn't just about HIM.
This is why I've said that I really think you guys should be in MC. I think he needs to own his part in the relationship problems and I'm not sure he's done that. Have you discussed MC with him at all? How does he respond?
Extraordinary update... we had a long talk and he will be working on everything. I need will post more later.. have to get the kids to bed. God bless....
I hope that what we talked about yesterday will be remebered and worked on....
My H and I had a conversation yesterday in the morning initiated by me and it went well, at first he was getting defensive like he must have felt he needed to but I reminded him that I was not attacking him just trying to get him to understand that his behavior hurts my feelings and that he needs to work on it.... I went as far as to say " Honey when you do X or Y you may not realize it but it hurts my feelings and it is behavior of a child not of an adult,, so I know that you do not have to behave this way there is no reason for it..."
I was shocked that I even said this ,, my voice stayed calm and serene and I just made my point... he listened and agreed! Later that morning,, I guess I was on a roll but something in me just felt like this needs to get out cause I feel like if I hold back soooo much that I will start to feel more hurt and I will not be able to be so loving with him AND I DO NOT WANT THAT..
I asked him first if he would be taking the day off to spend with me and he replied "YES...."
So a 180 for me would be for me to be assertive and mention the dreaded TATTOO....I told him I would be calling a friend of mine who knew someone who specialized in "cover up tattooos"
He got a little upset not mad like he did not want to do it but was a little set back he is not used to me being so assertive I am a pretty laid back person and normally would not say something like this....
So I let him be for a few minutes but still proceeded to call and when I got off the phone he said well you know honmey what am I going to put there do you have any ideas? ad I said well know but that is why I am online looking right now and again some grumbling.. then I lost it!
I did not lose my temper but I did start crying while speaking .. I said you knoe what nevermind and you know what I will never mention this again I am actually tired of talking to you about it anyway ,, you have know idea how hard it is to look at everyday and especially when I am on top of you and we are ( making love ) before I could get out the making love words he knew where I was going and said ..." Yes, I do know and I am sorry, you find something you want and I will cover it today." and then he said I want to take you to iunch too so lets do that today too.
He put on a DVD we have of the Eagles that we both love and I told him the song Desperado was a song that I thought fit him and while it was playing I started crying..... he kissed me on my face and then he played another song and asked me to slow dance with him and he hugged me so close and I cried some more and he hugged me even harder. He knows my hurt so just shows me more love instead of talking more about it...
Late rthat day once again he took something I did for him personally and instead of blowing up he just talked to me about it.... much better and I hope he keeps this way of dealing with his feelings with me instead of getting angry....
When we went out to eat he fed me food in my mouth and he was in a FANTASTIC mood,, he usually feeds nme something once or twice whil we are out to eat but this time he practically wanted to feed me my entire meal and he was flirting with me alot too, I loved it. I just called him on his way to work while I was typing this to thank him again for taking me to lunch yesterday. I had a great time...
He has the appointment today @ 12:30 to cover his Tattoo and I am excited he had talked @ wanting a Phoenix yesterday and explained to me the significance of it and I think it is a fabulous choice,, It is a symbol of resurrection, rebirth and regeneration. It also represents purification and transformation through fire and adversity.
I often wondered what what be fitting to cover her name b/c afterall I will always know her name is under whatever we would decide to cover it with and you could not just choose anything,, now I know what he meant when he first said this and when he said it over 3 months ago I was offended I thought well geez just pick any d*mn thing I want it gone and now I am glad we waited,, he will now be covering ti with something that reprsents what we just went thru and I know that is why he chose it even though he said it was up to me I decided that was perfect and chose it also...
I am very happy with this and I know that I asked him for this but for me it is a 180 and I feel proud of nyself and stronger for doing so.. one problem for us had been that whenever I asked for anything he would dismiss it or get angry and furios and dismiss it.....so I went into my cave stopped asking for anyhting and was INVISIBLE.. Not good at all who wants to be Married to a GHOST/A SHELL?
And so I though alot about what you have said Liz and I was at a crossroads a few days ago and I thank you .
I also know that me asking him for things and pushing the envelope is something he actaually asked me to do when we reconciled he said he liked that I gave him space and freedom but also liked and wanted for me to be more assertive and tell him things he needed to do or change for me.. He can not fix something I do not like if I do not tell him he said.... He feels I love him more when I teel him what to do in a respectful way when he needs it,,,, when I see he is not doing well or needs motivation.. and so yes better if he apologizes on his own as he has done alot more recently but I remembered this while I was laying down next to him last nite while he was sleeping... when I started changing alot while we were seperated he asked why could I not have done this before... he felt I was only doing it cause he asked me to... In essence I was but I was changing for me too and he got past the fear and decided to rejoice in my changes instead of thinking .. Well she is only doing this cause I sad....
So I can not get too upset about him only apologizing on my insistence after all he had to ask me for a "D" for me to change and say I was sorry for not ever really geting what he needed from me. Not just what his ego wanted but what I was genuinely not giving him ... ME.
I used to hold back my love and also never said what I wanted ....he wants to know what I want from him...
So thank you Liz for being one of my Guardian Angels and always being here for me ,, you helped me to push , shake it up a bit and know that it was ok to do so.
One day I hope he will just know better and not have to even apologize cause he will choose not to hurt me first and I strongly feel that we wil get to know eachother better in the next year than we have in the past 10... sad but true....
Strange how I get to these "crossroads" almost near the 11th of the month eevry month and I dunno why I am just noticing this pattern.
thanks for listening and being a friend.. God bless....
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? You been out ridin' fences for so long now Oh, you're a hard one I know that you got your reasons These things that are pleasin' you Can hurt you somehow
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy She'll beat you if she's able You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things Have been laid upon your table But you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin' Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine It's hard to tell the night time from the day You're losin' all your highs and lows Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
Lyrics to the song I told my h was for him :Eagles
I am so glad to hear how it went. It sounds like your H is opening up a little more and being open to change. The fact that he's getting his tattoo covered up today is wonderful. I think the phoenix is a PERFECT idea!
I think you have to continue to have these discussions and make sure he realizes that the journey isn't over, that you'll have to talk about problems for the rest of your lives if you want this M to work. It's easy to shove things under the rug and forget about them, but they always end up coming to the surface later. This is what happened in my M. We separated years ago and when he came back, we never really talked about it, worked on it, etc. We just sort of pretended it didn't happen. And then he ended up leaving again, this time (apparently) for good. My heart still breaks when I think of the chance I was given. I blew it and I feel horrible every day because of it. This is why I try to help others...it lifts me up a bit and makes me realize that if I can't heal my own M, I can at least help others do so.
From the beginning, your H has shown that he loves you and wants to be with you. I think that he's just been confused and that the OW made things even more confusing for him. I never had a doubt that you'd be back together with him. I don't think my situation is quite so hopeful.
My h just called moments ago to say he could not make it back into town to get his Tattoo, I will make sure he goes tommorow as it is going to rain and he will be home.. also he will be going to Mexico to see his parents and that is where he orginally hooked up with the "OW" so I am ok as I knew he was planning this for months and I feel stronger but I still feel somewhat upset. He will be taking D9 with him and I hope they have a nice time .They are leaving on Thursday only two days from now.
I feel ok but apprehensive... I also hope "OW" leaves him alone. I have FAITH that even if she tries to see him he will do the right thing. She lives in a border town in Mexico so I hope she stays home and does not decide she needs to see him or use the pretext of seeing her friend who Is my SIL... please help me God as I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now and he has not even left yet...
Ok, so you are the first thread I read now that I moved to piecing. I don't really know your history but I have seen your name around for awhile.
About the only thing I can say to you right now is to be glad to get to work on the REAL issues of your marriage, i.e. the anger, etc. This is truly a blessing because many people never get that chance once things get to the point our marriages got to.
Just from the few posts I have read from you, I know you will do just fine with this trip. Just remember, you can't control the situation and in the end, it will have to be your H's sense of "right" and his love for you that guides him, not fear of you finding out or some other negative feeling. Again, from the little I know of him and your sitch, I think he's at the point where that's going to happen.
