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How nice that he has had problems apologizing and is getting better at doing it! That's great.

And that he apologized for the A!!!!! That's REALLY something. My husband hasn't done that or mentioned much of anything about it. But he has showed a lot more caring and "love." Also, my husband did stop the divorce (with zero pressure from me). That's huge.

In the past I did "flip out" when my husband had to travel to where OW is (another part of the company he works for), and after creating some problems I realized I can't do that. I have to trust that he will make wise choises. I know it's an uncomfortable feeling. I think my husband may need to go there again later this month. Like with DBing I just have to focus on me and keep trying to be the best person I can be. I just can't let myself freak out or worry. That doesn't help or change anything. I've learned it can only make it worse.

But one thing that did help is asking my husband to call once a day to just let me know how he's doing (most husbands do that anyway so I don't think it's asking a lot). And rather then expressing worry about the OW, I said I just wanted to hear from him so I'd know he was okay, and hadn't gotten into a car accident or plane crash.

thank you so much for your support I can not tell you how much it means to me.. I agree my H stopped the divorce too with absolutely no pressure from me and that is HUGE ( very huge)....

I also agree with the way you handle when he leaves too...
I feel a lot stronger about this today..... I have complete faith in him something I may have even had a hard time saying before the bomb, we communicate soooooooooo much better now. It is amazing frankly!
He even offered to take the kids to school today something he rarely ever does.

I mentiond the tattoo this morning when he and I were taking a shower together (), I missed that so much when we were seperated. He washes my hair so good!
Anyway , I said lets go get a tattoo today, my insecurities SHOWING A LITTLE ( WELL ACTUALLY ALOT), and then he nicely explained that it would be alot of care for it and if he could wait til he gets home and I said fine but I do not want you taking off your shirt while you are there...he agreed, he added I NEVER do anyway honey... I also mentioned something else that had been bothering me for a while that had nothing to do with the tattoo, or his vacation subject and he also agreed,,, so I am keeping up with my DBing and being assertive and he is going along with me it makes it soooooooo much better when we agree and are on the same page.

Just him offering to take the kids to school for me and I am a stay at home MOM means so ,so much.And all this morning he was holding me like he would never see me again before we got up and I knew he was saying " I am going to miss you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much" without words.

I have to admit that I am proud of him, really proud and I believe all the prayers I get from you all here are really touching his heart!!!!

..... and me being supportive and non confrontational and trusting him have impacted him also and I know he truly loves me....
Will update more later and Thank you all sooooo much for being so caring and supportive, It means the world to me too.
God bless...

So, for example, I'm wondering if it might make your H feel good if, after saying he "had to go" when busy at work in a really nice way, if you would say "H, in the past I would feel hurt when you would seem so annoyed with me when you had to go- I completely understand sometimes you are too busy with work to talk- and it means so much to me when you tell me so in such a kind, gentle manner. I love you, you big stud." I guess what I mean is that in addition to being gently assertive in letting him know what things hurt you- that is just as important to provide plenty of positive reinforcement everytime he does something right.


I love that you took the time to post your advice and thoughts....

what I put in Quote ...

I have done..... the first time he apologized for cutting me off I replied " you know what honey I totally understand you are busy and thank you so much for apologizing but it is not necessary ,I know you are busy at work..."

I do the things you say but I guess I will have to post that more too,, I thought I was too mushy and I do sometimes leave that out so I will remember to post that
more...

I value your opinion and I thank you for taking time out of your day to support me,, and yes I validate him alot everyday I wake up and I think what can I do to make my Marriage better today I really do....


as far as the kitchen sink thing I tend to be very laid back and not say much but when something presents itself I talk to him about it.
.... but yes I agree bombarding him with too much is not good and I do not do that!!!


.....in the past I was guilty of the kitchen sinking but now I choose my battles and choose them very wisely and I am assertive not nagging or b*tchy....
YEAH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ant time I talk to him it is in a calm serene very sweet voice.... and I do it with respect for him and myself.

The issue I spoke to him of was :

of one of his employees we recently found out was not being so good in his daily life and he was using my H truck and I did not want my H later to have problems so normally I would have stayed quiet about this but I feel like I need to protect him from getting into problems he is not creating..

So it was not something he perse was doing wrong,, it was something he was oblivious to and I felt he needed to know..

Thank you again and I look forward to hearing from you more.. Thanks for reminding me and telling me how to show him more love,, I will not forget your advice,,,,,
God bless...

My H left today and I am ok today ,,

I will miss him but I will take this time to reporganize myself and my home....
I will miss him alot but he will miss me too and it will be good for him and I....

He was a little upset about the hurriedness and rushing this morning ,, he did not allow me time to get his luggage ready last nite he wanted to snuggle and watch a movie and so he was leaving and acting a little angry and got in his truck without giving me a hug and saying how I am disorganized that hurt my feelings but then he said come here and give me a kiss.... and then he remembered I forgot to pack his cell charger.

I had completely forgotten that and he said well then I can not call you... so I got him his charger .He said no do not get me my charger "I DO NOT CARE!" He was more upset ( I know Him ) that I would forget to pack something so important cause if it was not remembered by me then it is not important to me if he can call, why does he take everything I do personal?

He doesn't like to be unorganized but neither do I. He forgets it is ok to be human...

I called him just now and told him to calm down( that being upset would not change the fact that he left later than he wanted to) and have a safe trip and his mood was lighter and he sounded happy....

I said " You are going to have fun so do not worry about anything , I will take care of the business while you are gone so enjoy yourself and DO NOT WORRY---> ok? " and he said "OK.... but I just want to be there already.."

I replied " I know honey but you have to remember you wanted to bring your Dad a boat,, next time you can just fly there like I told you to do this time. but you wanted to bring the boat, so you will get there soon enough and have fun with your Dad, so just relax everything is going to be fine.."

He agreed.....
I hope he has fun and most of all I hope he misses me...
I know I will miss him and hope for the best and hope "OW" leaves him alone to enjoy his Family...

God bless...



--------------------

GH... my husband had called me several times on his drive he took D9 with him also... he was in a SUPER AWESOME mood....

Then...... he asks me to look on the computer to help him with directions......he knows that when I read a map and try to explain it off of yahoo or mapquest I have a difficult time. and he has zero patience
He said these things to me....
He called me stupid
really stupid
are you that dumb or are you just acting
let that be the last time I ever hear you say you are smart and had a 4.0 in high school cause apparently you are very stupid and your head is full of sh*t...( mind you I have mentioned I am smart and had a 4.0 in H.S.. but not during this convo)

I thought I was stressed from work or something,, now I realize it is just you....
do you like to get my heart racing you must enjoy this

The whole time he was being mean I did not get rude or talk back I just cried...

I asked him if I could read the map and then call him back.. he said no stay on the d*mn phone...
This all started b/c he took a shortcut on his drive down to Mexico and wanted me to find the way to go by typing in a city along the highway he was traveling on and explain how to get to Little Rock Arkansas.

I know he was just angry but he made me cry so hard ... any advice?


I want to keep being positive and leave the past in the past but his temper seems to drain me and I have to work hard to get back my PMA,,,, this is why I used to stay quiet and not say anything or ask for anything cause there are times he is so volitale.. and then he can be sooooooooo beautiful. I used to tease him he is like Jeckyl and Hyde,, but actually it is not very funny actually it hurts my feelings alot and he justifies it every time.....


we just talked the other day.. I do not understand and he actually beleives it is all my fault and he said do not call me until I call you.. sad very sad.

I feel very hurt and like I could eat a whole chocolate cake.....I know he doesn't control my moods I do,,

but I feel so hurt that he would be sooooo mean and my D9 heard him saying all this as she is in the truck with him.. Please help...

I imagine your husband was massively frustrated.

Even through I don't think it was right for him to take his frustrations out on you, I'd probably look at my husband as having a problem and ignore him. I really try not to have too many expectations about my husband. I know he's flawed and we're going to have low times. I was listening to a divorce court judge on the radio a few weeks ago and she said she doesn't have a "great" marriage she has a "good" one. She said problems occur when people think they have a great marriage because then expectations are too high. Basically marriages are always full of ups and downs and sometimes those downs occur over a long period of time. She even said there was a good six months to a year over her long-term marriage that she didn't like her husband, but eventually things got better again.

Don't have expectations, everyone has faults and weaknesses that's just reality, and next time you're really bothered by something you're husband is saying you could always try telling him something like, "Hey sweetie, there's someone at the door. I got to go answer it," or "Let me go look that up for you and I'll call back in five minutes..." and don't give him time to answer!... or calmly... "Hey, I love and care about you, but I don't like what you're saying and I'm not going to listen to it. We'll talk about this later."

if only it were that simple and you know ,, sure i have expectations but trust me they are not that high and at the same time I feel I deserve to be treated with respect,,,

when he called just minutes ago he again was extremely rude and when I just sit and listen he gets even more rude no matter what I say or how quiet I am he escalates,, so thank you dear for your advice but my thick shell is begining to wear...
when I did not answer him before cause I was about to cry he said ..."if you do not answer me again I will never ever talk to you again as long as I live".... " I SWEAR IT.."

That is downright cruel....

but like always say at least I have God,,, you KNOW what is worse then when he says he loves me my heart wants to feel it but that is why I used to live with so much fear he hurts me and I am just supposed to keep plugging....

he knows I love him,,, so I can understand frustration but somedays it just feels cold hearted and then when he is so beautiful...

God I dunno what to say.

I am just so hurt right now I can not stop crying and then before he told me I wasnt talking and got angry and then when I spoke he said..... all I hear is blah , blah , blah.
What does he want from me that I do not already do?

Please God help me,,, please help me,, I am so sad .....


thank you runningoutoftime for your suport,,,, and I hope you are right and he is just frustrated but sometimes he makes me wonder why I tried so hard to fight for this Marriage when he can be soooo cold.....

I hold on because I love him and b/c of our children and b/c he loves me and then when he is like this I get scared that he will always have the power to dig deep in me ,,,

clear to my bones and break me down,, as calm as I try to stay and not let his hurtful words hurt me ,,, I feels a terrible sadness right now...

He is the one going on a trip and getting to take a break and going where he first started all this madness with "OW"...and I am calm and have not said a word about it and he is fit to be tied and being viscious.....

I am going to go to bed and pray some more.... that is how I fell asleep before and then he woke me up to yell at me.... I wonder what happened to the man I was just snuggling with last nite , where did he go?
Sorry for rambling but the tears and hurt will not stop.
God bless....

update....

he called me back last nite to ask me to call him @4 a.m to wake him up so he can start driving again......


and this morning he is back to his sweet self and then we start talking about work and he says I am going to have to let you go... I had already said have a beautiful day I am going to let you go to him..... but he kept talking( he is having low grade anxiety everyday, I have it to by the way but do not blame others daily for it, I have had it for years and HE was presecribed meds and does not take them)

amyway,, he started to tell me he had to let me go cause I was going to get him upset like I did yesterday.... I nicely but firmly said I am not yelling at you and you are the one that gets yourself that way so have a beautiful day bye,,, and click I hung up....

when I called back a bit later to ask a question about work he was fine...
I tried to let him go like this yesterday and he would not have it he has to have the last word,,, so this morning I did not feel ike crying and I took the bull by the horns,,,,,


I am going to have a good day today regardless of the way my husband mood is,,,, I think I cried enough yesterday...

I am also going to call a Counselor for me... even if he does not want to go,,, I have to see one so that I am not so hurt by his mean behavior....

I hope it will help... I am alot stronger than I used to be I bounce back so easily and I know I can not expect perfection but he could be a little less brutal in the way he ta;ls to me when he is angry,, I allow myself to feel unloved when he treats me this way and it just ripples from there,,, I do not want to back into my shell like I had for YEARS!!!
I want to continue to be strong and Happy....

With prayer, more prayer and me being strong and loving myself I will be much better, I just know it,, the pain of what happened just months ago and how he turns on a dime,,, is still fresh but I must be strong.
I just talked to mY D9 who is with him and she made me smile...
I will have a better day today,, thank you God for blessing me with another day on this Earth, I will make it a good one.Regardless of what is put in my path( my H 's sour moods) I will honor your blessings in my life with a smile and love in my heart.
God bless....

... STILL DEALING WITH THE MAP ISSUE....


But today I armed with not only the internet I have something even better a good old fashioned ATLAS,, I can read it so much easier.

Now my H has changed his mind and he agrees with what his "dumb" wife said yesterday.. stick to the main highways yes it may take you longer but you will arrive safe and in one piece....

yesterday he wanted to take the "shortcut" way which started his initial frustration..... So this morning I figured he was still on his shortcut way and I told him to go thru Houston,, and he says to me "did you notice how small the highway is..etc...etc.."


SHEESH,,,make up your mind!!!

So now he ( my D9 and him) will be safely driving thru Dallas,,, the way I was telling him to go yesterday... so in all his yelling at me and telling me I am STUPID,,, why Is he taking the "stupid" way I told him too...?
Doesnt make any sense to me.....

God bless...this crazy day

Okay Ali,

First of all - if you are not calm, try to calm down a bit. Relax, breath slowly - repeat.

Now, I have felt this all along, at least to me it seems your H is experiencing some form of MLC. His mood swings and strange behavior from one call to the next is outright crazy and you have every right to be frustrated with him. This may be part of the MLC monster.

You have done a lot - including working on filling up your Hs love tank on a regular basis. It appears that before he left, he was working on returning the favor - all good things. But like many men, certain outside factors can affect our moods. As a man who doesn't like not knowing where the heck I am going, I can see why someone would be frustrated if they felt lost on the road. But to the extent that you describe it - it really doesn't make sense.

If I am to understand this right - are you navigating him from the phone? Why doesn't he have is own map and have plotted his own course before he left? I mean, I would be horribly frustrated if I was trying to find my way while someone navigated me over the phone. HOWEVER, the only person I can/should get frustrated with is myself! It is my responsibility to know where the heck I am going - and your H should take responsibility for this. Again, maybe I read this wrong.

Quite simply put - you are a person and you have value. You can calmly tell your H that "I am on your side. I am trying to help you not hurt you right now. But I am not going to stay on the phone if you continue to yell at me or get frustrated with me. I am trying to help. I understand your frustration and would be frustrated too. But if we work together, perhaps we can figure this out."

Just a thought.

Hang in there. Remember ownership of this problem your H is having falls on your H - not you. I know it sucks when he takes it out on you, so draw a line on this and very lovingly tell your H where it is so he doesn't cross it.

I have used this on my D10 before when she starts getting all frustrated with me. I just tell her that I am on her side. I am on her team. We are working together. Let's do this together, not by bickering or getting angry. It really diffuses her and if it doesn't, I simply remove myself from the situation until she can calm down.

This all, of course, is my 2 cents. I would encourage your H to take his meds - this may be half of his problem.

((((((((Ali)))))))))

I'll check back in later. I'll be around if you need some support!

God Bless,

Santhony