Quote: making their relationship out to be this incredible love affair
oh yes, I think we are all guilty of that, making castles in the air about the A, a few times we had arguments I'd bring it up, until at some point he confesed he wasnt "performing" as well 'cause of stress, so much for the incredible sl I thought they had.
I was just thinking today that my H must really had strong feelings 4 her 'cause all the money he threw trying to please her. And then I remember, he was trying to buy some peace and contentment for himself, it wasnt' all her, he wanted to look good and was truly throwing caution to the wind, the kind of thing he would've NEVER done any other day of his life, he was truly "away"
So remember that, it wasn't love but the illusion of it, there were feelings there, but not the true feelings our H's had when they married us, that was true love.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
At one point, I said the same things to my H about going to be with her, because he obviously loved her and had a better connection with her than with me.
One day he angrily responded, "Why are you pushing me to her?" "Why are you trying to give me away?" "Don't you think I thought about leaving you for her? If I wanted to be with her I could have been left, she wants me to move in with her. I am here because I want to be here. I am here with you. There never was a contest. She can't hold a candle to you. She was just fun. She isn't worth losing everything for. Don't keep pushing me, because one day, I won't be able to take it anymore and I'll leave. I love you"
I was speechless, but I needed to here it. Everytime, I think about bringing her up or rehashing the past, I think about his that speech and the fact that every night he comes home at a decent hour and sleeps cuddled up with me in our bed.
It hurt... but I am trying to let his truth set me free from my racing thoughts and cutting tongue.
My dear, hang in there, half the battle is won, he is back home, where he should be. Enjoy every moment you have with him. Life is short. This is hard, but get to the point where you can bury her in your mind. Have funeral for the A and for OW and bury her never to utter her name or the A again. It is hard to bite your tongue and suppress your thoughts, but when you do the relationship with your H will improve. I am sure he feels bad for bringing this sit into your M. Don't torture him or yourself any longer.
Taking it Day by Day. There's gotta be a light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Quote: Has anyone else here gone through this type of thing??? Any suggestions on how to handle it? (besides a labotomy).
Yep. Did it, done it. You're testing him. Inside you know it's kind of artificial, it's silly, feels funny, and is kind of a fake thing cause you don't really mean it although you may be like me and would rather just see the whole thing blow up in your face than deal with your S being distance, wondering who he's thinking about, etc., but you're testing him. I did the same thing.
You're testing him because you want him to pass the test and tell you he doesn't want her he wants you. That's what you want to hear, and you're trying to pry it out of him and protect yourself at the same time because you and I both know you don't want him to go anywhere.
So quit it It creates a bad dynamic for you cause you're going to need to push him more and more to get what you think you want. He'll humor you for a little while, then he'll say to himself...well, if she's going to rip me a new one no matter what I do, then what's the point?
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Alimari, I think you're right about having to let OP go little by little. It's not something we can do easily or quickly. It's a process. Eventually, over time we will let go.
Yoyogirl,
Quote: You are afraid that he's going to go to her again, and you would have to go through all the pain. With you telling him to go to her, you have "prepared" you mind, and you wouldn't have to be "hurt" per se when he goes to her.. BUT..my dear, you will still be hurt if he really does
Good point! Many of us can't help but have a fear that this is going to happen again so for self-protection this is a possible response. However, pushing them away isn't going to stop the pain if they do leave. And continuing to push won't heal things and may bring us back to that place where we don't want to be.
Cat,
Quote: until at some point he confesed he wasnt "performing" as well 'cause of stress, so much for the incredible sl I thought they had.
Now that was one of those helpful confessions! Sometimes details do help!!!
About the money thing... I do think they try to impress OW. I agonized similarly about how much my H called OW and had never in our marriage or dating made so many phone calls to me (he hates talking with people on the phone). One weekend he called her 5 times each day!!!! That really irritated me. I'm sure if he had stayed with her he eventually would have turned back into "himself" and wouldn't have been able to continue with that level of attentiveness.
Ald,
Quote: One day he angrily responded, "Why are you pushing me to her?" "Why are you trying to give me away?" "Don't you think I thought about leaving you for her? If I wanted to be with her I could have been left, she wants me to move in with her. I am here because I want to be here. I am here with you. There never was a contest. She can't hold a candle to you. She was just fun. She isn't worth losing everything for. Don't keep pushing me, because one day, I won't be able to take it anymore and I'll leave. I love you"
Wow!!! What a speech!!! I love that your husband said that to you.
TL,
Quote: You're testing him.
Yes, that makes sense. I can see that. I'm needing enormous reassurance and trying to force it from someone who's not real great at expressing things.
Quote: well, if she's going to rip me a new one no matter what I do, then what's the point?
I can totally see that too. This testing isn't the best way to do this. I need to stop fighting against the current (back to the water analogy!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hey that's cool, learning to go with the flow and make it work for YOU.
So along those lines...instead of looking for reassurance from him, is there anything you're pretty sure you wants reassurance about from YOU that YOU can give HIM?
And, is there any way you can do things or offer to do things with him/for him that sort of create opportunities and/or experiences that reassure you both?
One thing that has worked for me, for example, is that I know all the following to be true:
A. My wife loves going out and doing things, and especially loves being taken out or taken along to experience new things.
B. Prior to now, we hadn't done much together in years.
C. Her A was pretty much confined to an hour here, a minute there on the phone, all in the dark, in secret, or interacting in public but keeping their distance.
So as soon as I could I started taking her out and doing stuff with her in public as much as I could, because that was not only a 180 for me/us, and not only an important part of a good marriage (recreational companionship), but something I knew she liked that she couldn't experience with OM.
So I've been trying to give her things I know she wants (and that she got from her A), but also pouring on the stuff she wants but couldn't get from her A.
And in the context of doing all that I've been able to provide her with various reassurances I know she needs (that I'm a better person now, that I can meet her needs, that I can surprise her, that we can have fun and that I'm not looking for every opportunity to beat her over the head with her mistakes, that the future is not the past written in stone but a whole new adventure, etc.) And by doing that, she's much more open to providing me with what I want.
Make sense?
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Yes, that makes sense and it sounds really good. I like that you're turning it around and looking at what you can give. I need to think about that....
This is probably going to sound strange, but I'm not sure I should be reassuring my husband. I've always been much too dependable and "there" for him. It was only when I became more independent that he started to sort of appreciate me. For the first time ever I was starting to slip away and that's when he seemed to want me. Although I suspect OW was slipping away at about the same time so... In a way I worry that he only wants what's difficult to have, or that he'll only appreciate me if I'm not fully committed. And that's a 180 for me!
The other day I was feeling good about things because I re-realized my husband's affair was an "exit affair" and the reason he had it was because he had been sitting on the fence about our marriage for a few years (MLC). Once he started up with her it gave him the crutch he needed to leave the marriage. Somehow this made me feel better because it made me think he didn't love her.. she was merely a tool. On the other hand, their relationship did continue for a long time (even when he was starting to "come back" to me). So she became more than a tool. So in some ways I feel better, but then I can't help building it larger than it was. I just wish I knew what it really was...
I know everyone here says you don't want to know details, leave the past as the past, and don't discuss it. But I still want to know more. I want more information. I've read books that say the only way you can rebuild trust is through honest communication... and that includes talking about the affair. If they talked about us to the OP and that created a sort of special bond, how can we not have a special bond without similar sharing of thoughts and experiences?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
root- Just wanted to chime in about something you said. I never thought of my H's affair as an "exit affair" until you just gave me that thought. My H did tell me that he knows ow is not for him, but he knows I'm not either. He did also tell me he is in love with her but I choose not to believe that. I don't think he is capable of loving anyone right now. Besides which, since he is in MLC, I can't believe anything he has said.
I first read about exit affairs in one of my books. It may even be in DB??? I need to do some re-reading. Some books talk about types of affairs and give examples of different ones.
What's going on with your husband's affair? Is he still in it? Are you separated or in divorce?
It's good you realize you can't believe anything they say when they are in MLC. One of my closest friends has a husband in full-blown MLC and I've given her all the info, the books, this site, etc.... and she just ignores me and does the exact opposite of what I tell her to do. It's so frustrating. I think her divorce will be final in January.
I don't think our Hs love these OW in these exit affairs, but I suspect just like other As they do develop some strong feelings. It may also be the feelings do build larger because they are leaving us at the same time and that's a painful void that they probably feel compelled to fill.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
yeah, my H is still in it. He is living with her and her parents/brother. Really disturbing. It's like he was adopted by another family. We are not legally seperated or divorce. My H has filed at the end of Sept. but I have yet to see the papers.
I have done so much reading on MLC, etc. that I forget what I read where.
What I have read is that our mlc-was are in love with the feel good anti-dotes that the ow give them, that they really aren't in love with them. I hope those feelings wear off soon.
It's a shame that your friend won't take any of your advice. I wonder if a lot more people used dbusting, how much the divorce rate would drop in this country. I think there are too many people who throw in the towel too fast. I am not going to be one of them.
Hummmmm are you sure your husband has filed? I think there's some time limits on serving and responding although I'm not sure how that changes from state to state. I know I had 30 days to respond after being served.
Would you say your husband was in depression prior to the A? My guess is most people are really susceptible to wanting more of those feelings that the bio-chemical responses elicit during an affair. I also think living in a relatively permissive society doesn't help.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband living with OW and her family. That must be a cozy situation.... What is your home like at this time? Even though I've always been pretty neat and clean, when my husband left I worked even harder to make sure it was clean, comfortable, inviting, good scents, etc... (like a model home). I know that sounds a little overkill, but I felt that having a comfortable and inviting home helped make coming back look all the better. I'd also do things like make cookies (I do love baking!) and either give him a ziplock back with some or leave them for him. I'd make excuses for this like... "well I just happened to make some cookies and it's too much for just me and the kids so rather then let them sit and then have to throw them away... here's some extra for you."
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
It creates a bad dynamic for you cause you're going to need to push him more and more to get what you think you want. He'll humor you for a little while, then he'll say to himself...well, if she's going to rip me a new one no matter what I do, then what's the point?
