Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again "Officially" piecing... now the real work begins..

Congratulations Running. You worked really hard for this.

I had an interesting experience last night. My husband is now back at the house about 85% of the time. He's still moving stuff over little by little. He brought the extra fridge over yesterday... although we're leaving the bed there for last so we can have some "fun" without kids around. It's almost a shame we can't keep that apartment!!!! Oh well....

Anyhow, I had a really interesting experience last night. We had went out with my girlfriends to a local bar. Later my husband and I came home and went in the jacuzzi. Of course, I did have a drink so that tends to loosen my tongue a bit. I've been very good about not bringing up OW and the A, but last night I did say to him while we were hanging out in the jacuzzi, that I didn't at all blame him for the A. I fully supported him and understood that he needed to get his needs met and it's okay.

It's been really strange because I've worked myself to this point where I can fully let my marriage go and see any A behavior as individual weakness. It's a very strange place to be mentally. Where I don't really care! That doesn't mean I don't want my marriage or my husband, it just means I'm fine regardless of where things go. I don't "need" him anymore. I choose him, but my life won't be destroyed without him.

And yet, I still love my husband, and tell him I love him and that I'm here for him regardless.... and I said A's are no big deal!

Interestingly, this made him kind of angry! (Not fighting angry we're getting along super well). But more irritated. He asked why I would say that and at one point he said he has changed (actually this is good because he's telling me what HE thinks without me being preachy!).

I just said, "Why are you angry? I'm supporting you. I'm fully accepting you. I'm not MAD at you???" He then got out of the jacuzzi and said, "I should probably lock you out of the house!"

Later on I walked up to him and said, "Are you mad at me?" and he said "No," and we sat holding hands.

I imagine it may have been a strange night for him. He's never been out with me and my girlfriends at a bar (before the divorce I had NEVER been to a bar before!!!). And I don't think he's ever realized how attractive I am.

I had a similair experience.. My H and I watched a behind the scenes special @ The Cirque de Soleil... two of the dancers had A's and while we were watching it , it did hurt a little to see that cause it hit home. But I did not say anything.... next day or so I mention I would love to go see that show..... That him and I should go to Chicago and watch it... he like your H was extremely offended.????

Looking back and reading your post makes me wonder are they mad cause it reminds them Of how much they hurt us or are they mad cause if you are accepting of others doing ithis (A) and feel at peace ( if they only knew how much it really hurt) will you then maybe do the same cause we just said it was " OK" in esssence.

I dunno, I never will cause when he gets irratated re this issue I pretend it never happened .. I do not want to talk about it.... we do not talk about it... he can deal with the guilt all by himself he created the A and he can put it to rest himself....
....if he really pressed me to help him get thru it sure I would, that is who I am ,but if not then you can do this by yourself .I am living my own h*ll trying to forget about it....

Any way sorry to ramble I thought I would just relay what happened to me that was kind of similair.


Sometimes they are beautiful and sometimes they make no sense.


God bless...

congratulations!!! from another 'challenged' piecer. Or I could call myself a bouncer, since i bounce from boards depending on the present situation which we all know does the rollercoaster thing.

Read part of your sitch and so glad for you on all the positive steps.

I'm also giving lots of thoughts to one of your replys: now that the WAS is home, and "close but so far". I myself wasn't prepared for that one, but again always do feel the support just knowing how many others feel the same. I finished a long pity party journal on my own sitch this morning, but coming back on tonight feels good to hear of your happiness.

I also have recently enjoyed girls nights out at an occasional neighborhood bar. The fun harmless dance to oldies or laugh at karaokee times. Something I wouldn't have done had I not been S, but felt "brave" enough to do when I was feeling down and the girls dragged me out.

here's hoping for continued good times with your H and your own girls nights out too.

Wow, I just reread that post and didn't realize I left that last paragraph on!!!! I actually didn't mean to leave it on. It was a strange evening for my husband because being with a group of women other men didn't associate him with one particular woman (we didn't "look" like a couple). So while he sat at the bar next to one of my friends she told me she could see him watching out of the corner of his eye as he observed different men flirt with me.

It's really interesting because my husband is not a jealous type whatsoever and this whole divorce and me GALing has really challenged him in an area he has never really thought too much about.

I do think the "leaving me" was not as difficult as the idea of me possibly being with someone else. Maybe he was just so used to having me there for him? He's always felt pretty certain he can trust me explicitly, but once I really started detaching and he began to realize I could go on with my life and other men would be there waiting... I think that may have put him over the edge.

I even remember during the divorce him being so bothered by the idea that I would "find someone first." Because I'm a generous sort I told him, I'd be happy to wait until he found someone before I started dating. He thought this was weird. But I told him it wasn't a race and that I really didn't care that much. I wasn't in any hurry.

This whole thing has been such a strange, eye-opening experience. People can be so fascinating (even this person I've known for over half my life!!!!).

Alimari, I think there are some things our husbands have to work through by themselves... and I also think there are some things we have to work through on our own as well. I think it takes some time and building of friendship before other things can be worked through together. Just strengthening that friendship is such an important step. I hope you are able to move beyond the h#@@. It sounds like you know where to go and from what I've read about your sitch, you've been remarkably strong.

Well JeanB,

These may be painful experiences, but look how our "world" has opened up... Dancing, Karaoke and laughter with girlfriends.

Even when we don't expect it, there are silver linings.

I am determined to have a great time with my husband's family during the holidays. This has has always been a bit of a problem over the years anyway. One reason is I get pretty stressed over the holidays (this year I'm armed with some emergency Zanex to help!), and a second is I'm not particularly close with his family (execpt for my mother-in-law! She's wonderful!!!).

Also, a couple of years ago there was a "bad" incident. We had moved and I was sad about it because the kids missed their friends and there were no kids in the new neighborhood. My husband's cousin's wife (who does drink a bit) started saying in a really mean voice that I was spoiled, that my husband treated me too well, that I didn't appreciate what I had and blah blah blah. The way she said it was REALLY mean and I started crying. I ended up leaving.

Anyhow, we worked through all that and it isn't a problem (I realize she drinks too much and has a lot of jealousy towards me). But this year I have more to deal with.

This year, if we all get together, I have to face a lot of people who don't particularly like me that much anyway (see me as spoiled because I think having my kids happy is more important than having a huge home!), and will probably be asking questions about the divorce.

I'm just wondering if others are feeling this same discomfort about the holidays and dealing with extended family following maritial problems. How do you plan to deal with it?

Thank God for Zanex!!!!

Ouch. Don't know if this is relevant, but I can share a couple things:

Because holidays are so nuts, we ended up inventing a few of our own that coincide with the season (no, nothing like Festivus!).

My favorite day during the Thanksgiving/Christmas season is our annual tree decorating party. Just the wife and kids and myself. Get the tree, decorate, cook all the special ritual foods (non-tradition shrimp on the grill, whatever wierdness we can throw in to make it different, and our own). We peel shrimp together, make pigs in a blanket, eat that junk and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas and A Christmas Story after the tree's decorated. Then we watch A Christmas Story about a hundred more times until New Years...then we put it away until next year. That's my favorite day, nothing else holds a candle to it, so I never feel "gipped" at all the usual family nonsense cause that's just someplace I have to show up and be polite (although I truly love my in-laws).

TL,

How nice that you've created some wonderful family traditions!

That's probably a great thing to add to piecing. I realized during the divorce that there aren't a lot of photos of my husband and I together (I'm the family photographer!). One thing I'm really going to try and do is take more photos of me and my husband together, or both of us with the kids, and put them around the house (even dig up a couple of old wedding photos!).

Even through your in-laws are great, are there other extended family members who you might have to see during the holidays who might be asking questions about your marriage? I'm probably worrying about this more than I should. Most people are usually pretty tactful about stuff like this. I just worry about the few who tend to have a little too much "holiday cheer."

In fact, I remember about 6 months ago when my divorce started, I went to my husband's aunt and uncle's anniversary and his sister had a few drinks too many and started telling me about all the terrible things my husband (her brother) was saying about me and how I should find someone who makes a lot more money and will appreciate me more. Although she meant well and was trying to be nice and supportive, it probably wasn't the best place for that. Also, I'm not sure how much my kids heard.

I just worry because holidays can be a funny time and piecing is hard enough without nutty extended family interference. Also, my sitch was more than just a little bit of marital difficulty. It was 6 months of separation and divorce. I think everyone believed it was over (in fact they all went to Hawaii together over the summer without me or the kids!).

Oh well, I probably need to quit worrying about this. ...