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Hi utterly_alone and 12102006,

Back in USA, from where I have both good and bad things to report this time. I'll start with the good, which came first.

The telegram was a great idea - a surprise delivered by the hotel desk people running after her - and the joke in it ('have a yen to see you' while she was in Japan) she said was the funniest thing of the whole trip. As a result, we had a good conversation on the way home from the airport, not about us at all, but everything else, including the relationship difficulties the girlfriend she went to Japan with is having. (No kiss at the airport, just a quick partial embrace on arrival. Given that the kids weren't with us on the ride, I thought this was pretty good.

Our son had very nicely and without coaching prepared tea when we arrived, which made her feel welcomed. The various changes (her bed freshly sheeted, the scaffolding taken down, the shadow puppets in her office window, this year's last garden flower in her bedroom) were noticed and I think taken positively.

The bad thing was my reaction and her judgement of it to a dinner invitation that we received the next day. We both
were tired and didn't want to go. When she received the invitation (on the phone), she said that I, who had to
go to their house anyway an hour later for something else, would tell them yes or no. She told me that I should decline politely, that I was sometimes rude, to which I said well "how about sayint that tonight isn't good, as I have to pack"? She said that no, this was rude, and that I should say it another way.

Well I ended up saying that I had to pack and wasn't sure we could come, and would call them in an hour or two. We finally ended up going, with my wife mad at me for not having simply said (her example) "tonight isn't good - I've promised the kids spaghetti and meatballs yesterday".

This whole thing was very frustrating for me - why couldn't I simply be honest and tell them I have to pack? It doesn't come naturally to me to make up things like the spaghetti excuse. Charm, polish and beauty are very important to my W though, who was deeply disappointed. (I started to say that she had put me in this position, she said no, and then I stopped arguing, an unresolved argument; she doesn't avoid conflict and I do).

The result of this was her sitting alone in the living room, staring with sad eyes out the window and then being silent in the car on the way out.

Our relationship feels like I disappoint her again and again, every few months something significantly negative, demonstrates my weakness, and so she pulls away. Examples are that I didn't dare dive off a cliff into a swimming hole (I am scared of water I can't stand in, though I can swim) in 1986, that I won't confront authority unless forced, etc. This as fuel to my wife's judgemental nature (she can be very scornful) sometimes produces incendiary anger on her part.

I left early the next morning, saying goodbye and kissing her cheek (she turned so I couldn't kiss her lips), for USA. Since then she has sent a few shorter emails and one longer one, friendly enough, but without the usual signoff 'love' that generally appears in her first email when I have left.

So what to do? I plan to get some new clothes here and shop for our Christmas party, now scheduled for the day before my birthday. The ice cream in the freezer can be revealed sometime, but I am not sure when. Also, I got a good CD that I can send her an MP3 from ('Blue mountain roots' - the love song 'black is the color of my love's hair' is great). Maybe such a virtual present (we both often say it would good with new music) seems appropriately lightweight.

Do you have ideas how I might break the negative stuff? I think the positive stuff is all doable, but maybe even more important is less negative input. I took assertiveness training a long time ago at college, but maybe the world is simply animal topdoggish? (I like talking to people one on one, but don't like parties, with lots of people around, and instead prefer to play a supporting role to my wife's dominant talker persona).

Good to hear you are doing fine - thanks - a clear day in California -

Luke

I don't think I can really offer an advice. The postive stuff does sound encouraging. I'm looking at it as the S who cheated.....I know that songs right now are REALLY hitting me hard. It's funny because I would have NEVER thought I would do that to him - ever. And yet I did. Our daughter doesn't respect me - she makes that obvious just about daily. And with H, I really didn't feel important whatsoever.

There are a lot of songs that make me bawl right now but the "worst" one is this one by Avril Lavigne.....

"Losing Grip"
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say I was left to cry there,
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided
[chorus]
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place
when you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me,
you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't ok I was left to cry there
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]

Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud

Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared I was so alone Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care then I don't care were not going newhere
Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care If you don't care then i don't care were not going newhere

Don't know if that helped you one ounce or not -- I'm sorry.

Luke, Just remember that when they are in an A they will look at every little thing and blow it out of proportion. Your every sin will become larger than life. It helps legitimze the A. Just ignore it, cuz you can't change it and carry on with your DB plans. Every positive you add to the sitch makes it that much harder for her to ignore. Eventually, you will come out on top (I didn't mean that the way it came out, but I guess being on top would be OK too, wouldn't it ) Hang in, you're doing great!
Hey Luke, just keep in mind that your telegram was the "funniest thing on her trip", you were the highlite! That is good, guy.

I did mean to add - sometimes songs really do work well -- for expressing how you feel without having to actually say the heavy stuff. GL.

Hi utterly_alone and whatisis,

Those are great lyrics - it must be horrible to feel that way. Do you have a strategy to fix things? (The lyrics to "black is the color ..." are at the end of this post, for what it's worth.)

Yes, whatisis, I am still thinking the glass is half full, even thought my W hasn't emailed me for a few days now. I sent her a mail yesterday, with an mp3 that she should like attached, will send another mail today, hope that this will serve to keep communication open instead of bugging her. Not hearing from her isn't great.

I am also thinking of training to run a marathon, starting on my birthday in a few weeks. She ran one two years ago, and occasionally asks if I am thinking of it too (which seems to indicate that this would gain me points). She ran it in about 4-1/4 hours, which I am hoping I don't have to beat to get those points ... I'd rather just finish. She still doesn't know about the weightlifting unless the kids or someone else has blabbed. At least physically I hope I will be strong enough for her.

The most recent issue of psychology today has its lead article about that you really can change yourself. I haven't read it yet, but maybe there is something useful there. Also, I got two books - "satisfaction" (by Berns) and "happiness" (by Layard) about what makes people happy - will have a poke at those this weekend. The satisfaction book suggests that conflict is actually good for a marriage, and can be a source of novelty. More later.

A smoggy 80 here - got to do expense reports now - have a good weekend(s) -

Luke

* * *

Black is the colour of my true love's hair.
His face is like some rosy fair,
The prettiest face and the neatest hands,
I love the ground whereon he stands.

I love my love and well he knows
I love the ground whereon he goes
If you no more on earth I see,
I can't serve you as you have me.

The winter's passed and the leaves are green
The time is passed that we have seen,
But still I hope the time will come
When you and I shall be as one.

I go to the Clyde for to mourn and weep,
But satisfied I never could sleep,
I'll write to you a few short lines
I'll suffer death ten thousand times.

So fare you well, my own true love
The time has passed, but I wish you well.
But still I hope the time will come
When you and I will be as one.

I love my love and well he knows
I love the ground whereon he goes,
The prettiest face, the neatest hands
I love the ground whereon he stands.

Hey Luke;

I was out of town this past weekend for a wedding, in a cold Philadelphia...

Let me try to help you see where your wife was coming from,
in regards to the friend's dinner invitation.

Your wife was tired from her flight and obviously wanted
to spend her evening at home. When the invitation came
to have dinner, she didn't want to go...so, she turned to
you, to handle it. Yes, you had to pack for the trip,
to California - but that could be done anytime, in the
evening. Her "white lie" was more specific, b/c it required all of you being home, eating dinner. Thus, you
really couldn't go at all.

Her disappointment was that (1) you didn't "listen" to her
view (2) you now, had to go.

To counteract, you might want to say to her...out of the
blue...that you "just figured out, why her excuse was more
rational" than yours. Laugh a little, then apologize, and
explain how "silly you were" in not seeing this. Then,
forget about it.

As far as diving off a cliff, she needs to respect your
choice, in not doing that. I wouldn't do it either. If
it's ever brought up, or something similar, nicely explain
that she respects your decision.

It wasn't such a bad or big deal...don't worry about any
of this...continue on with your PMA. She's probably even
forgotten about it...just don't walk on eggshells.

I'm glad you're back, now start planning the party!!!

Hi 12102006,

It is great to hear from you again. Boy, cold PA doesn't sound nice - out here in CA it was in the 80s/90s this weekend - whew!

I need to think about your apology - thanks for the ideas - a bit more. Maybe saying this two weeks after the fact would warm up an old problem?

On top of this, the tone of her mails has been getting friendlier again (turns out there was email trouble and she didn't get three days' worth of mine - now they came in glorious triplicate) and I think the going to dinner business is blowing over. Good how time can often heal things...

My bigger concern is now the incredibly rotten weather in Sweden, weeks of gray rain and temperatures in the 30s or 40s. Somehow I would like to support her from afar - maybe the occasional mp3 mailed over, cheering mails, etc.. I told her about the hidden ice cream, hope that cheers her up (she was digging in the garden - hope she didn't upset the hidden bulbs!)

We have started planning the party in more detail - lots of Italian food and wine - probably good to get her mind on other things.

Really the best thing would be for her to get a regular job - doing freelance design is I think lonely and maybe not made better by my being gone, even though I am apparently not the cat's meow. Being 44 and not reguarly working is I think taking a toll... at least she has a Swedish class to catch up on and regular life to keep her somewhat busy, but it isn't the same.

Her japan visit was moderately successful and she now faces a decision - take the plunge and retain a person over there to sell her (W's) wares, set up distribution and a more regular manufacture in India (where she has some stuff made) - or do everything herself, in Sweden, so probably less revenue, but also maybe less hassle. Decisions, decisions.

I really just want to see her happy..

Anyway, I digress. I will try to set up a date (dinner and overnight in separate rooms in yacht converted to hotel in Stockholm) when I get back.

Will keep you posted -

Luke

LL

If you feel like the dinner fiasco has blown over, then
by all means, let it go.

That's a rough decision she has to make about her career.
Yes, I can see where, it would take a toll on her.

Hopefully, she won't dig up the bulbs - I hope not!!!

Your weather in Sweden was what I experienced in Philly.
Very dismal and depressing. I like the sun and heat.

Keep up the e-mails to her, everything light and cheery.

Are there any companies that can use her creativity in your
country w/o travel?

Italian sounds great for a party, fresh bread, cheeses,
sauces, wine...gelato or ice cream. Are you going to make
fresh pasta?

Let me know when you get home.

LL

Let me know how your party planning is going...it s/b quite
fun...how is your R proceeding?