Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need advice on OP visit! Crisis point?

Now something else. She is vomiting in public now - she can't keep food down.

Imagine my situation - what am I supposed to do? Is she so sick because of guilt, is that it? What the hell is the source of guilt anyway?

I don't want my wife back because she feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt me.

I just don't know what to make of this. Right now, I'm in a fog.

I'm looking for some sort of clarity.

She cheated on you correct? For me, I had major stomach issues after I cheated . I couldn't eat, was in the bathroom all the time, my stomach actually hurt. Now I think it's depression.

Guilt is some heavy stuff though - it could be that or depression.

W is going to feel a lot of guilt. Don't base your decisions or actions on what W is feeling. You continue to analyze and evaluate your actions, and whether or not you are treating w the way she needs to be treated - with Love, honor, respect and cherishment.

Be an example of Christ's love. Christ doesn't condemn guilt or shame, He allows us to eventually understand He doesn't want us to feel that way. Be the same for W.

plk

This sickness seems to be her feelings about me holding on to the marriage.

Things go from bad to worse.

Now I am disinvited to Thanksgiving with the OP and her.

She thinks it is best to spend time apart.

I am absolutely in the dark as to what to do, other than continuing to take care of myself. I have a counseling session set up.

Can anyone shed some light on this for me?

personally if I were you, I'd plan a thanksgiving that didn't include her either. This is my new approach, show him I have a life and I WILL be ok, whatever he decides we should do....

I asked my H to dinner this Sat. and he has to "think about it" - I said ok, but if by Thursday, he hasn't gotten back with me, I'll ask again and then I have back up plans with a friend of mine for a night out, just her and I. Dinner and a movie maybe....so he sees I"m not moping around the house, waiting and hoping and praying. Even though I am doing those things....trying to incorporate that into my 180.

Well, now I'm in the situation of so many other people whose spouses are no-where to be seen. How do you DB when they aren't there to see it?

I didn't have this problem for the first six months or so of this whole thing. (My wife's affair has probably been going on since February or March, and she only told me she "had to leave me" in May.)

She wanted to be very close to me (having her cake and eating it too, as even the OP told her.), so moved within spitting distance.

And I've been trying all sorts of DB things during that time. So now, what's this? She goes to a priest, then a counseler, then finally waits until I see the same counseler, then the you-know-what hits the fan.

She "can't live this way". She "has to take care of herself." She is absolutely sure that I will be OK, and that maybe eventually I'll be her friend again.

According to her, I'm (or at least I was) the only person in the world she has.

I think the reason why she's so upset is that she is beginning to realize that her actions are making it very difficult for us to continue going on like this.

She even stated once (after she said that she has broken it off with the OP) that she wanted to do something that would make a definitive break with me and the marriage. Hence her little weekends with the OP. Now it looks like she's doing it again.

Help!

hmmm....for us, H is the one who's been MIA. Understandably so, he said it hurts him to see me, etc. So for me, I'm living as if he's moved on.....keeping the laundry and the house up as best as I can with 2 jobs and a six year old D.

But part of my 180 is to show him that I will survive, whatever the outcome...so I'm making plans and living life and trying to seem more interesting LOL

I don't know if I'll succeed or if any of my rambling has helped you at all. Praying for you.

Your help right now has to be to focus on doing something positive for yourself. As much as you want to show W how much hurt she is causing herself and you, she won't see it if you show her. As much as you want to show W active DBing, you've got to do it for yourself. W will see it when it matters, she doesn't have to see every little thing you do or try.

The important thing is to get yourself into a position where you are no longer "needy" when you are around her. You'll be okay, you can't make it okay for W, she has to walk through the fire she's started herself. Take care of yourself so you are a strong, cool, soothing person that she realizes she wants to be with when she gets through the fire of the OP. It sucks that W is chosing more damage rather than to start healing. If you try to prevent her or stop her from doing any of this, she'll never learn. Take care of yourself so you are in a position to take care of her when she is ready for you to.

plk

Well, I don't know how much this is taking care of myself, but it might have something to do with keeping my cool:

After all of the above (she gets sick, says that she doesn't want to see me for a while, etc.), she calls sounding miserable and asks if I'll stop by on my way home.

Since I was concerned that she might need to go to the hospital, I agreed.

On the way home, I thought I might be being played. But how? If she's shifting moods that quickly, anything she's doing to manipulate me is minor compared to what she must be going through.

I arrived, knocked on the door, and was greeted by a very green-looking wife. She was completely washed out, could barely speak, and got nauseated every time she spoke or moved. I got her back into bed, made her some tea, and sat down with her.

After some time, the floodgates really opened. She began to shake and cry again, eventually asking "what went wrong with us," and things like that over and over. She didn't want me to leave her for a minute, so I sat in her bedroom for hours, or rested next to her in bed.

Her cell phone kept ringing (the OP), but she had set it to vibrate and didn't pick it up.

Finally, after hours, she said that she still felt bad. I offered to stop at the pharmacy to get her something for nausea. Then the phone rang again. She said she had to answer it, so I left for the medicine.

I don't know whether this was just being a doormat, or the decent thing to do.

When I got back, she was no better. We got some medicine into her, then I tried to get her to sleep again. She didn't want me to leave, so once again I sat up with her.

Finally, I just went to sleep.

Was I being decent and loving in taking care of her, but messing up from a DB standpoint? Remember, she had said yesterday that we should "take a break from each other."

I don't know.

I think doing positive things for myself is helping out someone I love. Is it?

I don't know from a DB standpoint but I think you're showing a nurturing side..I don't think it's bad or that you're being a doormat. And she seemed to appreciate it.

I guess you'll know more about how it was taken once she's feeling better..