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Hey SE,

Aren’t you one of our buddies from the Great North East. Yea, hard to keep spirits up – the sun is coming up late and going down early – more dark than sun. But you know what, the leaves are changing – have you caught any of the color right outside your door. If not my bad…but…

Ahhhh, change.

So question for you, have YOU changed for the better or are you anchored? What is holding you back? Look, there is one thing I would LOVE to hear from my WAW and that simply is “I was wrong”. But I know too that it might never happen – UNLESS – I continue to live my life as if I am wringing EVERY ounce of life out of it. GAL anyone?

Really however, what is your goal? To me in these posts there is an undercurrent that you have taken upon yourself to change your H – you’re comparing him to the way he was. You know that you cannot however, don’t you? He has to make the change. And as a result, have you lost your way? Lost your sense of self and happiness? Well, you haven’t lost it – I think you gave it to H. Take it back!

What are SE’s goals? Where does SE want to be? What kind of R/M do you want? I think it is something more fulfilling than you have been getting for the past 4 years so I echo MMO’s sentiment of how much is too much. Look, I still don’t “endorse” D, and I am DB’g my butt off and will for the rest of my life. But I think what my WAW started to see is that person that is going for it (life that is) and not stopping and she needed to decide that she was along for the ride, but I also made it clear that I ain’t stoppin’. At the same time, I try to ensure that MY changes are permanent. That takes away opportunity for her to “blame”, finger point, whatever.

Anyway, last December I was right were you are and I decided that I was NOT going to be a slave to anybody when it comes to MY happiness. I’m always willing to share, but I won’t have it taken from me. That meant at the time completely letting to but as hard as it was, it has paid me back – regardless if my D stays busted or not.

So I ask one more time, what would make some of that sassy and beautiful person start to shine again? Now go get it….


Hope that helps somehow.

Sven

Hi Sven....a pleasure to have you drop by on my pity party!

I am(was?) one of the Great North East buddies. I needed a break from the boards.

So, to answer some of your question:
Have I changed for the better or am I anchored?

I have changed for the better, on some things. When I was DB'ing for me alone and my sanity...I came to like and respect the person I had become. I have since lost most of that person. For some unknown reason, I seem to lose my sense of self when I am with H.

What is my goal?

Right now, I can honestly say my goals a microscopic to the point that they are just getting through the day and making it to bed as early as I possibly can. Pathetic, but right here right now, this is my life.

I don't think I am trying to *change* my H. As far as comparing him to the way he was..well...there really is no comparison.....he is who he used to be. He is distant, cold and moody.

I have indeed lost my way, my sense of self and happiness. The way things have all gone down in the R and his overbearing, controlling nature.....not too hard to do.

All I know at this point is that he was a totally different H when we got back together. It's the main reason I decided to try again. The problem is his changes were not permanent. He couldn't sustain them for long. It was too much work. Since that first month of "life is good" ended...it has been a slow, steady decline. We are both at that point in our M where there is so much anger and resentment that we can't seem to give into each other. I am just as guilty. I admit I am bitter about the false advertising and what is has once again done to me. (Even though I realize I have done it to myself)

I think nothing short of miracle could make the sassy and beautiful person shine again.

I envy you for your awesome PMA. I am glad to read that things are going well for you. It sounds like you are totally in touch with yourself, your emotions, your goals and your purpose. That is no small feat.

Sorry, I am a real downer today. Just the kind of mood I am in I guess. I have been like this for a while now and I can't seem to shake it.

Thanks again for dropping by and offering your advice. It is GREAT advice and really tough questions. I just wish I in a place to be able to answer them. Kind of hard when you feel empty and blank.

<sigh> Guess I should go get things ready for work tomorrow. 2 hour drive one way. Gotta love the woods!!

SE!!!! I was just thinking of you the other day....and hoping for the best in your sitch and hoping moving to NH signaled better days for your family. How is your D's health?

I'm over on the MLC forum....things have taken a crazier turn for me....I was fighting quite a different game than I had thought. Come visit if you have time!

For you...I'm sorry that things still suck. Seems that H made temporary changes, but not the desire or knowledge of REAL changes.

I agree about answering the questions someone else posted about your own changes. I know you worked on them, but time to go back to square one. What are things that you think you could still address that may change the dynamic in your situation?

I know you said that your time with H is so miserable and just "hanging on"....what can you maybe do to jumpstart something new....more positive times between the 2 of you? Perhaps a date night? You said he said that he does not feel wanted. How can you show him that you do?

I know that it's been stressful moving....and letting go of a very serious R that you had when separated. Sometimes we think "let me be critical, b/c this person betrayed me before and now I am leaving something good to go back"....just a thought on my part.

So, it's hard on you. I understand. I think now, more than jumping into fixing your M...you and H just need some good, fun, positive moments together....nothing serious, no goals, no expectations....just relax and learn to enjoy each other's company for a while. Even if it's having a fun time watching a 30-minute show on TV....it's 30 minutes that weren't pure hell. Slowly, I think this can build better times.

A website that helped me (when I thought my sitch was simpler) was the one that talks about love banks (I think marriagebuilders).....it was easy and slow....

Also, like Sven said...what are other, non-M things that would bring you a little more joy in life? Moving is hard...you lose the job and the support system, etc.....so focus on gettnig the joy back in life in other areas for you, and it may give you strength for this.

Also, I think you and H are putting a lot of expectations on things....with the move to make the M better and you both put a lot of effort and sacrafice into it. So, ease up on yourself a bit. Enjoy.

I'll be honest with you. Your husband sounds somewhat like my father (and my parents are divorced! Although my father has more issues... I won't even go into that story!!!).

If I were in your shoes I'd try to look rationally at the situation particularly with respect to my kids. Without you being with him, what would happen with the kids? How much custody would he be willing to give up and would he turn this anger and control on them? I know people say you shouldn't stay just for the kids, but to me kids weigh very heavily in these kinds of decisions. Of course, you have to look at all angles of that.

BTW, have either of you tried medication? Any chance he might be willing to give antidepressants a try? He might need extra serotonin.

Hi Always!!!!!! I have read your posts. Took me a bit to find you, but I did. Aye yi yi.......you've been through a lot girl! It does sound like you are doing great though! I really didn't have anything to add since I don't think I am in a position to be handing out too much advice!

Thanks for taking the time to drop by my thread!

You bring up a lot of good points. About thinking about changes that could change the dynamic of my situation. The stress of moving, etc.

I'm not sure at this point that I want to try and jumpstart something new. I am really at a place of indecision. I am weighing the events over the last two years and trying to make an educated decision about what I want to do with my life. (Unfortunately, it also means my children's lives as well). I don't know if it's possible to become DB'ed out. I am out of energy and patience. I am out of the drive to keep doing this. I didn't expect miracles to happen from the move....but I didn't expect it to make a bad situation worse either.

Here I am again......all screwed up in the head.

runningoutoftime- Thanks for your input. To answer your question about custody and the kids...well....H and I went through the D proceedings. I was granted custody and he was granted visitation. Even though the D was never finalized...the judge's orders were entered into court. They still stand today if I choose to finalize the D.

I really don't think H would take anything out on his kids. When we were seperated he lived to see them. Funny as it sounds, in hindsight (which is 20/20) H and I both seem to be better people and parents when we aren't together. Wow...if that little fact isn't an eye opener nothing is.

~SE

That does sound like a difficult decision. Ultimately you'll need to figure out what's best for you and your family. I'm glad to hear you aren't rushing into any decisions.

Here's just a suggestion, I'd never push meds (I grew up in a very anti-med environment. My mother didn't even keep asprin in the house!), but I have to say that a low dosage of antidepressants can sometimes make a big difference. A med trial could always be a last resort type of thing. I had never thought of myself as needing anything like this, and everyone would probably tell you I'm the most easy-going person with just occassional stress (like 2 days each month!), but I recently went on 10mg of Celexa (to help me with the divorce), and the difference was surprising. I feel so content with life. Not drugged in any way, just overall pleased and content.

Hi!

No, not willing to rush into anything. Nothing good ever comes of snap decisions.

H and I have both been on AD's. They did help. We have to wait until next month to get health coverage...so maybe then we can both look into going back on them. I know that we are both so stressed and anxious it is now maifesting physically. (Chest pains, nausea, etc...the usual)

Last night H apologized for how he had been acting. He asked for a compromise where I handle my stress better, and he handles me better. I won't be snappy and he will be supportive instead of being condescending or nagging me. I don't know if it's going to last (usually doesn't) but it's something for now.

Also, I am working a job that I like BUT there is no communication in the company. I work out at site and literally have nothing for information, for my reports, etc. I decided to apply directly to the company that I am vending for. Turns out, I applied for the wrong position. (I have a bad habit of under estimating my abilities) and was interviewed for a management position. I was thrilled about that!! I had two of three required interviews today and I go for the third and final in a couple days.

So, today was a good day. I am in a better mood then I have been in in a while. Does that read right??

YAY!! Congrats, I wish you all the best with the job!

Stay positive....I think H can read your vibes too...it's a BIG deal for your H to turn around and be self-aware, from what you have written about his behavior in the past.

I know you're not sure about what you want in teh M, but for now, you're in it and trying. I think you need to try as hard as possible to know for sure you tried your best.

Try just this one thing, going into the weekend. Just make it a point to have positive moments with H. This worked for me for a while (before I realized I was in a bigger mess than I had thought). You don't have to do anything special, just the normal routine. Stay away from fights. Use a calm, positive, cheery voice. Smile at him and at the kids, etc. Laugh in his presence. give a few compliments and thank yous.

This is SUCH elementary advice....but when I did this, I realized, to my horror, how much of this I had stopped doing....and it made a REALLY big difference that I did.

Even after my H went back into the MLC tunnel....recently he has been saying that he saw that my changes were for real....and he was not receptive to it. That was BIG. So, at least that effort was worth it.

day by day, it will get better and better. Just one day at a time...small nicities and manners....that will get him to put his guard down and reciprocate.

SE,

Sounds great on the job front. Good luck!

Always gives some good advice - simple and true. You both have to live to that committment you just made and one other thought is to give each other a time out - saying let's talk about this when we've had a moment to calm down - like we "agreed" on X date.

You both need to be building those love banks, or emotional bank accounts like Steven Covey calls them. The pleases and thank you's and other smaller acts of humility can really be the trick. I've seen that with my WAW. That way when we have blow out, I don't completely over draw my (our) account.

Here's to a good day and good weekend!

Sven

It's always amazing how little every day stresses and strains can make such a huge impact on our emotional state and relationships.

BTW, one thing my husband and I do which has been really good for destressing at the end of the day and it helps with communication is we try to take evening walks through the neighborhood. Just having a biweekly to nightly walk and talk after dinner and after the kid stuff is done is REALLY nice! It's a wonderful way to connect. I think it also helped save my marriage!!!