Quote: Many times when I expressed some discontentment, my H would say "it takes time. you cannot expect everything to be back to normal immediately. please dont stir things up. Things are fine and are getting better"...
I can relate to this. H and I had a very similar conversation very recently.
I guess the bottom line is PATIENCE. This is something that I never was really very good at. I am the type of person that likes everything NOW. Immediate gratification. This past year I have learned that I really do have alot more patience than I thought I did.
I need to be greatful for the fact that H has decided that me and the kids are worth giving up the OW for and that he wants to stay married.
I will be greatful for all the small things because in the long run they add up to a great big thing!!
I will live today to its full measure - I will not try to live yesterday or tomorrow.
I will be positive and confident, honest and trustworthy and go to bed with visions of happiness. Visions of a happy M with my H.
Yes, that was a huge revelation to me, that part you quoted, but I struggle MIGHTILY in my feeling of being OWED a good R by my H. We had a talk/discussion/argument/cry(me) today - started on one topic and just bled into all the others - and I cannot stand how he will state one of his needs, or disappointments, or some place where he is not getting something from me, and I will TURN IT AROUND immediately and state how I'm not getting something either. How it always has to be ABOUT ME. ugh.
Oh, I'll go post this mess on my own thread, and should probably move over here from Infidelity soon anyway. But Mama, piecing is SO much harder than fighting for your M, IMHO. I think GH said it well once, b/c he pointed out that in the middle of the A, you have a GOAL that is tangible and you are fighting against it, and also FOR your marriage and now this Piecing requires you not to FIGHT so much as to STAND STILL and wait, in terms of the R moving at its own pace. And all of us hate that waiting thing, b/c hello? they were out of the gate like a horse when it came to OW/M, so let's get cracking in the M. It's just not the same, and it's a lesson in grace and patience that I wish I wasn't having to learn (and relearn) every day.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I'm gonna piss MANY people off here, but it won't be the first time. I get plenty of hate mail or e-mail that is. I could give two sh^ts. So here it goes.
Deserve or entitlement or me me me...it's all bullsh^t. Life sucks. I can go toe to toe with just about anybody who wants to have pity party about how bad life is. If we are posting we are above ground. That's a good thing.
You need to be the "Strong"bear NOW. Yes you are a victim. Yes he is wrong. Yes you feel like sh^t. HE cannot be strong. HE is not capable. Is that fair NO. YOU ARE. You have been.
Go back and read your very first post. See how far you have come. Life is not about, "Oh I deserve love, I deserve a great spouse, I deserve to be treated better" Bullsh^t. Deserve has nothing to do with it.
YOU decided to fight for your marriage when you had every legal and spiritual reason to leave. You did not. You fought. Keep on fighting.
Point being...you cannot wallow in the state you are in. If you do you will not get the marriage you want. I'm not saying that you have every right to feel bad. You do. It sucks. You are a victim. You are right and he is wrong. That is a fact. Accept it. Life sucks.
Keep on fighting and one day he will come crawling on his knees begging you for forgiveness. He will honor you and hold you up.
Fight the fight hon. Be strong. He can't. It's not fair.
JM, Thanks for posting on both of my threads. You are absolutely right, as always. If I sit here and wallow in self pity what will that get me? Give me my gloves, cause the fight is still on!
Quote: ... start up where we wanted to be all along.
Yes, that's me, I want us to be in the torrid passionate stage he was when with Op...then I remember...I WAS there, on the "spring" of our R he was like that w/me. We've been married 8yrs, our love did mature.
In my hurt and wanting I want the same man who was crazy with Op, forgetting that when he was with her it was the "spring" of their R, the newness when you think that the op is perfect, beautiful and the best all around. I do want to be there, and it is just not realistic.
H told me yesterday on an text msg how I was smothering him every week w/one thing or another, that we have time and to relax a bit, that he knows I hurt but that I'm too intense some times. Do you want to be smothering? I don't.
I prayed really hard for God to change my H... I should've also prayed really hard to for God to change ME, so that my character would reflect something other than neediness and unfullfillment, there is still resentment and anger in me, there are lots of things I need to work on, so instead of focusing on H's lack of attention/attraction I should focus on how I project myself to him.
I'm regressing a bit myself and relieving Op's crap and the PA, I've come so far, I will-w/God's help- neutralize those thoughts all together, they try to drag me down, they don't have the full force as before and for that I'm glad.
Sorry for the hijack, but as you can see we all have that sense of despair from time to time, the key is not to stay there and wallow in our misery, we must get up and fight for our Ms.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I think all of us LBS has this "sub-conscious" or even "conscious" mind that needs our WAS to be here for us all the time, in terms of time and attention..and we somewhat feel/think that they are thinking about op when they don't give us the time/attention that we think we deserve. AM I making sense? We have to learn to let-go and occupy our thoughts with other things.. outside of our WAS, or their moods etc. We need to keep busy with things that we like to do. So, if our WAS seems alittle bit distant, do not bug them, do not second-guess about anything. Just divert our own attention/thoughts to US. Not in the sense of "poor me, My feelings are hurt etc etc".. but more of doing stuff.. read, do puzzles, cook, run, swim, paint..whatever..just shift our focus away from our WAS.. think it has helped in that sense for me. I watch telly or talk to my kids or whatever, and with that, I see H does re-start the connection with a conversation or intimacy...
Hi Mama!! SOOO glad to see you here!!! I am so proud of you!!! You moved "up" in threads!
As for me....I started here, and sadly am in MLC...moved WAAAY back into the pits of hell...ha ha ha! It's funny for me to come to this forum...remembering back in the day when I thought my sitch was far different than what it is. In ways it's easier, since it has less to do with ME.
Anyway, back to YOU. Keep doing what you're doing. Strike while the iron is hot and all those nice sayings. Really, you have shown a tremendous amount of determination through this....by not being pushy, being patient, yet still trying and keeping the hope. Stay doing just those things and your day will come when you and H talk this through.
If you're at this stage, I suggest what I tried earlier in the year....the whole Love Bank theory. Striving for positive actions, words and moments. Focus back on LL's, too. Try to make every moment with H a positive one...smile, laugh, be confident, happy, and just your radiant self.
I wrote on SE's thread the little nice things that I did, and though simple, I was horrified to realize how much of the basic nice things I had forgotten todo with H as time went on. It made a big difference....just saying "TY for working so hard for us and supporting us..." At first it sounded corny....but when I said it he was floored and appreciated it.
I think those things made a difference too....recently when we had our emotional talks, he said he believed I HAD changed, he was just not ready to take it in. At least I know the effort made some impact and it was worth it.
Your H seems that he responds back to your efforts, too.
Hi Always, You can see what is happening in my sitch on my other thread "mama's still pluggin along" in infedelity. I am truely sorry that you are not still in piecing, your H is definitely messed up right now. I really admire you and look forward to the day when you are back on this thread.
Hi All, My thread in infidelity locked up so I think instead of starting a new one I will just stay here.
H and I dropped our kids off at my brother's yesterday and spent the day together, just the two of us. It will really nice! Took the convertable and had the top down; it was a beautiful fall day. We took a walk around our favorite little lake then went to watch football where I work. I introduced H to all of my new friends there and we ended up having a blast, not to mention quite a few beers. Later in the evening after I put the kids to bed H and I decided to go to bed too and quess what? I am really glad I bought that lock Friday!!
