CF, We sometimes use "tough love" here. Most of us, on the other side, sometimes have trouble getting out of the dump or seeing things clearly. Then, a few of our friends come around and give us a little "tough love" and usually lots of hugs later.
You're a little new for tough love and I'm sorry if this offends, but...
Have you read JM's sitch? If not read it.
So you feel guilty. It sucks, it hurts, you're confused, you miss her. Are you really going to hurt everyone around you just for your need to get this off your chest? Will it really make you feel better? Will it make all your problems magically disappear?
I agree with everyone above that honesty is the best policy, but I also agree that there is a time for everything. And that while all you can think about is how miserable you are, the time is not now. The intent is wrong.
From your posts your guilt and misery are the first thing on your mind. You were dumped. It hurts. We completely understand that - we've been there. However, what most of us realize is that we have to analyze our mistakes and our failures and look inside ourselves for why things happened... that there are no definatives and that people can learn to love and can choose to love.
The question "Do you love your wife" is important. By answering... "well I must not have.. because look what I did" isn't really thinking about it, to me.
I really suggest therapy because I think you need someone completely unbiased to help you answer these questions.
If counseling didn't help as a couple, try it by yourself... Your emotions are foremost on your mind right now, so work on yourself first. You are right about that... you wont be able to work on your M while you haven't done that.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
Also... I'm willing to place a bet that she already knows! Or at least has reallly, really strong, HUGE suspicions and she's just like me... doesn't want proof.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
Quote: Also... I'm willing to place a bet that she already knows! Or at least has reallly, really strong, HUGE suspicions and she's just like me... doesn't want proof.
You know....I think you may be right about that. I don't see how she couldn't have suspicions.
Also, I can handle the tough comments. That's why I'm here. I don't want to hear what you think I want to hear....I want to know what people really think.
I'm making an appt. tomorrow to talk to someone. If I don't get this out to someone, I'm gonna self destruct.
Quote: JM, Counseling was pretty much a waste of time. We mostly focused on the root of the problem...my unhappiness and my depression. But I wasn't truthful about it so what good could it possibly do? I know exaclty why I'm depressed. Just going through the motions....unless I spill all I can't work on the M......
this sucks
If you think you are depressed just because you miss OW, what you are missing is the POINT. Perhaps I have misunderstood something... There IS a root here alright but it's not her, the affair OR the fact you miss her.
See, it's true what you're being told. She was a bandaid. So what if she was one of those "special" ones that have the cutesy pictures on it? A bandaid still serves ONE purpose and that is to hide an oozing, open wound.
She is an illusion. A LIE. So was your relationship.
The sooner you dig deeper and find out what your REAL issues are, THEN you'll know you have something to actually be depressed about. Because if you think missing her is rough, wait til you start working on your deepest issues... That's when "this sucks" is gonna take on a whole new meaning.
You've done the right thing here. Now set your mind to follow through.
i understand that the hell hasn't even begun....however, i don't want to be misunderstood here.....
i'm depressed not only because of the A ending...but because it happened in the first place....i've been depressed (and on medication) for about 2 years now....i feel overwhealming guilt for what i've done....i was never the kind of person to have an A and it kills me that i am now
and i was unhappy with my M when i started the A....i only wish i would have put the energy it took to carry on with the A into my M....i would most likely be happy and not depressed.....live and learn
Hi CF: I am sorry you are here and what you are describing is a double edged sword. What meds are you on for depression. Noone just has an A if they are happy and satisified with their situation and R. What things in your relationship with W brought about the change in you to have A ? Hang in there !
Quote: i was never the kind of person to have an A and it kills me that i am now
and i was unhappy with my M when i started the A....i only wish i would have put the energy it took to carry on with the A into my M....i would most likely be happy and not depressed.....live and learn
You don't know just how much I understand your words.
But I will tell you this:
There is redemption.
Don't misunderstand what you are about to read.
Sometimes, in order for us to grow...when the so-called obvious life-lessons have been lost on us, God will ALLOW (NOT cause but ALLOW) us to walk off on our own and misbehave terribly and with much repercussion. Ask yourself, had you not went that route, what things might you STILL not know and/or understand and appreciate?
When you CHOOSE to do the RIGHT thing, even though it is not necessarily what you WANT to do...but you CHOOSE to do it ANYWAY for a "greater" good, you WILL be blessed.
The way to miss out on that blessing though, is to succumb to the flesh YET AGAIN, by allowing it to depress you, steal your hope, your joy and your faith. In yourself AND in God.
There is redemption.
Sure it is harder to come by in the "world" than by the Spirit but it exists for YOU and the first step to finding it is UNDERSTANDING who you were, and how lost you'd become, when you walked off down that wide, destructive path...and then forgive yourself (I KNOW how hard that is. It is a separate, brutal fight), knowing that you can be forgiven and all you need to do is ask. The road to forgiving yourself starts with that.
I won't lie to you, it won't be easy. It's hard to face yourself in the mirror, I KNOW. And while it won't become something you'll suddenly be proud about, you WILL one day look back and see that GREAT lessons you have learned not just BECAUSE of your mistakes but often, IN SPITE of them.
Buddy you are confused and hurt right now. It sucks, but it's ok. What would suck more is if you were not confused and hurt. It shows you have a heart and that the affair was destructive and messing with ya.
I have felt some of what you have. Feel free to shoot me an e-mail and vent.
In the meantime DO NOT beat yourself up over the affair. There will be time enough for that later. The most important thing is that the affair is over. Yes you will miss her, but you would miss anyone you had a relationship with.
Affairs are just like an addiction. You miss the beer, you miss the drugs, you miss whatever...everyday that goes by those feelings start to go away. There are reasons people have addictions. They are trying to fill a void. Be honest with yourself what that void is and fill it the right way.
If you do not, you will be a rat running through a cheeseless maze.
