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Hi Cat03

I know you weren't being accusing at all. What do you mean by me being in denial?? Denial about what?? I don't understand what you mean.

Denial of the situation, you can't believe this is happening, thus you can't cope with it. I'd say mostly denial/shock. Until you come to terms that this situation won't be solved while you hold your breath you won't be able to formulate a strategy of how to cope w/it.

Accept that this is a long road and that your H is coming around on his own time, not yours. It is easy to despair when you don't see an end in sight, again, you H shows signs that he is coming around so there is some progress, don't rush it.

Just had to share an excellent line I just read from a man who's trying to come around to his W, thought it could help here:

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...I'm under this pressure from her, I don't actively make as much effort in the areas I worked to correct. I get upset about all these accusations, there are hard feelings

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You're right I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe that being ill after having our baby has led to my H not loving me anymore and leaving.

I'm not sure how to work on his doubts. Don't know which DR to do anymore - things were going well and now he even said today he's been thinking more of D than coming back the last few days.

Validate him, dont' despair openly in front of him, I know you are dying inside, but present a strong front, tell him you understand he needs time, it is very important you say this, tell him you want to give him space, it is a big 180 and it brought some little peace between us when my H was away, he didn't feel as much on edge as before, try it.

My H also had a lawyer and paperwork, he dropped it after a while, would talk about selling the house, then he just stopped altogether. Remember, dont' believe anything you hear.

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I can't believe that being ill after having our baby has led to my H not loving me anymore and leaving.

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Is that the real reason? or are you trying to blame yourself somehow? NOthing excuses him to just take the cowards way out and leaving without trying your darnest to fix the marriage, so don't you be blaming yourself 100% for this mess.

Thank you Cat I will make sure next time I see him that I say I understand he needs some time and space.

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I can't believe that being ill after having our baby has led to my H not loving me anymore and leaving.

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Is that the real reason? or are you trying to blame yourself somehow?

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Unfortunately it seems to me that is the real reason - that is why I feel so hurt. Everyone kept telling H that he needed to get me some help and he didn't (because I was terrified to get any - but even so he listened to me and not them when they were the sane ones)

H has pretty much said that he left because of how the last two years have been and that when I stopped being ill I'd already knocked all the feelings and love out of him so when I was better he wasn't loving towards me which in turn made me react by nagging so now he sees it as all me and doesn't see that he has any part in it.

H volunteered his thoughts today and actually explained what his dilemma is!!

Basically when he left he was adamant he wanted a D and didn't want anything to do with me and now he doesn't feel 100% sure and has even thought of coming back to try. He is trying to fathom out why he is no longer 100% sure on D is it
a) because I've changed and he likes new me, or
b) because its hassle and grief to get D, or
c) he thought I didn't care and now knows I really do, or
d) is it because he feels something for me still

I said does it matter why he doesn't feel sure he wants D and that does it matter why he decides to try if thats what he decides. He said it does matter. I also blurted out the love is a decision thing from DR and gave him an example from our M and how different it might have been if we had "put" a love situation there etc etc. He asked me to write it down to think about when he was on his own! Does this mean it made sense to him?? Is this a good sign??

bump up

Today H has said he doesn't know if he loves me or not. He can't bear me to go anywhere near him (sit next to him, hold his hand in comfort for example) He says he doesn't know if that is because he doesn't think its right while we are separated or if its because he just can't stand me touching him period. He then left.

Half an hour later he dropped by with a chocolate bar for me on his way to work and gave me a big hug and told me to calm down. I asked why he keeps telling me to calm down and he said its because he hates to see me upset.

I don't think any of my positive signs have been real at all. I think H just feels incredibly guilty about leaving and is doing all the hugging and days out because he feels guilty. I don't know what to do. I don't want him doing this sort of thing out of pity.

It's best to keep just one thread going. You're telling your story twice and there's no need for that. Everyone can see your latest post on whatever thread you keep active. If you keep one thread going at a time, it's easier to follow your entire situation.

Be frank. One time I had to tell my H that the last thing I ever needed from him was pity. He might think he is conforting you, let him know that his suggestions of "dont' worry" or "calm down" don't help and if anything give you the wrong idea, that you understand something else when he says "dont worry". I bet you a million bucks this will be a revelation to him.

I can't say this enough, give him TIME, tell him you are willing to wait, I did, it killed me not to have him, but by pulling away he came to me in the end, he also told me that he didn't hate me but that he didnt... you know the rest.

He is w/me now and still doesnt say ILY but I can feel a bit more affection each time we see each other, we are learning to be friends and to love-on his part, and to trust-on my part, again.