It's amazing how similar your story is to mine FP. You have amazing strength and I commend you for that. My H and I are the only ones eachother has ever been with but at the beginning of the year my H made a weird comment regarding it being weird to think of only being with one person the rest of your life and wouldn't say much more than that when I questioned. It still makes me wonder what he was thinking.
You're lucky your H still shows interest in you. My H stays pretty distant but I can see the look in his eyes like today...like he doesn't want to depart and leave his W and S1 but has to. The last week my H has acted really different around me. He has been nice and has acted interested in what we are doing and how our son is doing. I just always think "everyday is a new day with H."
I noticed today he moved his stuff around in his apartment and moved his dresser but his wedding ring is still sitting right there on top in clear view. At first my H was keeping his apartment spotless and now it's starting to be him He worked 71 hours last week which he left me a voicemail saying it was a personal record...makes me happy to know that he isn't spending that time with OW out of work...but they do still work the graveyard shift together.
I just continue to pray that God does his will in both of our lives and that I can continue to be a good mother to S1 and that God will touch my H's life. I pray for my H each and every time I think of him throughout the day. I have found over the years that prayer is a powerful thing.
I just want to encourage you FP to just keep truckin. That's my little moto...every day I just keep truckin and make sure that I am always in a very happy mood everytime I am in contact with him. He is kinda in the dark right now as to what I want marriage/divorce wise but I think it's starting to make him think. I want him to see before it's too late what his life will be like without his wife and S1.
I don't know which is better, to have your H in a place where you know where he is and know that he is more or less living alone or know for sure as I just found out this afternoon that he is living with HER. I just made a big post on my thread so if you have time to check it out and give me your feedback, anything is appreciated!
Trust in yourself...you are the only one that can guide your future...
Me-28 X-30 QLC-just separated from OW after 3 yrs M-3yrs Tog-8yrs D-3yrs Bomb-8/5/06
The hurt and pain was so vivid again this weekend. I have been doing so good but the tears flowed the last two days as the affair turned into a family fued. My Hs grandpa died four days ago and so his 2 brothers and families flew in from out of state.
My MIL who I'm best friends with road up to the airport with my H on Saturday to get the oldest brother and OW got brought up a few times and it all went downhill from there. My MIL told H that she never wanted to meet OW and hated her...my Hs defense was "how could you say that you don't even know her" MIL said "I don't care who she is or how nice she is I NEVER want to meet her." H was perterbed at the thought and MIL made a few other things clear to H and of course he was outraged.
They got to the airport and H was very grumpy at this point. My MIL told brother and his W that H is not very happy with her right now....naturally they asked "Why?" H piped up and said because mom wants to kill OW...which she was angry but obviously not really planning on killing OW. Brother's W told MIL that she needs to support her son in his affair and MIL replied saying "OK when your H has an affair on you I'll support him." H said "Whatever, that didn't happen until after she kicked me out." I kicked him out before I read the Divorce Remedy and know that wasn't the best option now. The day I kicked him out I had suspicions he was having an affair and he told me that he's wasn't sure if he loved me and wanted to be with me anymore.
So everything went from there. SIL likes to get in the middle of things and intentionally cause problems. It is very sad and I know before she leaves Wednesday she is going to make a point to meet OW so she can tell H's family how cute, nice, etc. OW is. I am completely disturbed, frustrated, sad, angry...you name it. Best part is that H's grandpa's funeral is on Tuesday and I'm going to be there...with all of them even psycho SIL who is nice to my face but supports Hs affair when I'm not around.
H's dad called me today and is very disturbed and sad at this entire situation and invited me over to visit with the whole family. I feel like an outcast but love to visit with my neice and nephew I never get to see.
Should I stay out of the picture when it comes to H's family? I have been in the family for 8 years now...since I was 16. This is all just not fair!! My H acts like he can't be happy if I'm in the vacinity but I'm still exceptionally nice to him and am always happy around him. I'm curious as to why if he's the one having the affair why he's the one who's depressed and grumpy. Why am I the one who's happy. H also told MIL that "he doesn't know how him and OW get along because she is so conservative." As she's having an affair and he's out drinking and smoking weed....that's messed up if you ask me....recipe for disaster.
Tomorrow I'm going with non-psycho SIL to get the grandbabies pictures taken. H's mom and dad are going too...don't know if H is going to be there or not....don't really care either, I'll be nice if he is there. I'm also having a get together on Thursday S1 b-day and don't know if H is planning on attending. H is planning on attending big B-day party on Saturday at the pizza parlor.
H told his mom that she is no longer welcome at his apartment and they only have a relationship because of S1. MIL told him "I guess that's your choice."
I need some heavy duty encouragement to continue DB with the situation I'm in right now....I'm very stressed and discouraged right now and am having problems concentrating.
Hi guys. I can relate to feeling like you are doing so good and then something else comes along and smacks you in the face and brings you right back down. My husband and I have been separated for 9 months. Last Saturday, he told me about the other woman. Said they were friends. H came over the house, we talked, he changed to oil in my car, and he grabbed me and held me and said he was not ready to let me go, but he is so confused. He's hinted he wants to come back...but said he is scared that our relationship will go back to the way it was. I emailed the OW and asked her to let him go...explained to her that he still loves me and wants to come home, but he is confused. She obviously called him right away because he called me and was all mad. I called her and explained to her that he and I were still seeing each other, talking and and thinking about getting back together. BUT after the phone call I made to her, he called me and said "What did you do?" Have not talked to him since. Tried, but he won't answer his phone. Ran into a friend of his over the weekend and he said that he and the OW only f_ _ _. She is married. She's been married for 30 years and has always cheated on her husband. My husband and I have been married 14 years and we have a 14 YO daughter. My H friend said that he really loves me and wants to come home, but is scared. I don't know what to do. I was doing so good for a while. If he really loves me, why doesn't he come home? Everyone tells me to get rid of him, but I can't. God said you should listen to council and take advice from others because he speaks to you through others, but I just can't stand the thought of losing this man. I need advice. I need help. I need someone to tell me what to do.
Don't give up on your marriage just yet! If your H actually says he loves you you have a lot more than a lot of us do. My H is very distant and it seems that he wouldn't even think of saying he loves me....though sometimes the look in his eyes tells me different.
My advice would be DB, DB, DB!!! Your H is going through a weird time and you are right he is very confused as my H is. They really don't know what they want and aren't sure if the M will go back the way it was. You have to do your 180 and go from there...it will make you feel better about yourself and in turn will make you a more attractive person to your H. My 180 has caught my H's eye but he's still not willing to give up OW.
You are so strong to be enduring this S for 9 long months. I am at three months and wonder "How long can I live like this?"
I encourage you to try and keep having hope for your marriage but expect nothing out of your H...in an affair and during this time they are very selfish and are seeking happiness and love in all of the wrong places....if he sees you stick by his side through all of this he may come to his senses.
He doesn't tell me he loves me...his friends tell me that they tell them that. Right now he's pissed because I talked to her. That should tell me he cares more for her than me....
Quote: Should I stay out of the picture when it comes to H's family? I have been in the family for 8 years now...since I was 16. This is all just not fair!! My H acts like he can't be happy if I'm in the vacinity but I'm still exceptionally nice to him and am always happy around him. I'm curious as to why if he's the one having the affair why he's the one who's depressed and grumpy.
No, I wouldn't aliate myself if my ILs were supportive of me and wanted me around, you have a different R with ILs and they've choosen to have you around, I don't see why you'd have to stop seeing because your H has his head up his arse right now.
As for your H, I'm sure guilt and shame make him feel unconfortable when you are around, but that is HIS problem, you aren;t in his face, you just happen to be with family who welcomes you, so don't fret about it.
Quote: Whatever, that didn't happen until after she kicked me out
YEA right, that's pretty much blaming you for his deed, you arent' at fault, a person goes into an A all by his/herself and it's pretty lame that he wants to pin his mistakes on you, dont' buy that BS.
Below is an excerpt of a great article, follow the link for the whole thing, it will help you see why your H is acting the way he's been acting. You work on yourself, keeping deciding each day to be happy, you can make it)))))))
Quote: About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further
An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.
With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn't work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.
What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing.
Just checking in...Whew, what a weekend you have had! I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of that on top of Hs crud. At least you know that his mom is "on your side" and is willing to stand up and tell him that his actions are not acceptable. I agree, stick with the family, they are yours too and will be invaluable, especially if they continue to support you and your babe. If nothing else, you know that you will be able to maintain that relationship with them, even if H is a you know what sometimes. I can relate with the whole MIL sitch. I finally got to talk to mine yesterday and told her that our suspicion about who the OW was is true and she said flat out, "no matter how nice she is, we are still going to hate her." Sad as it is, it made me feel really good that she was still "with me" on the whole thing despite my attempts to protect myself from H that could be misconstrued to be evil on my part. Anyway, I will check in or call soon. Good luck tonight!
Trust in yourself...you are the only one that can guide your future...
Me-28 X-30 QLC-just separated from OW after 3 yrs M-3yrs Tog-8yrs D-3yrs Bomb-8/5/06
So I saw H again yesterday at his grandpa's funeral. My H and I are always very civil and polite around each other and I'm curious why other people are trying to make things more difficult for us.
When we got in a line to put the roses on top of the casket I was crying...H had gone way before me...I hugged everyone in his extended family because we have all gotten along very well over the last 8 years. I could see on H's face that he was expecting me to hug him but I just couldn't bring myself to do it....I walked right past...rubbed his arm a tad...and picked up my S1. It is so hard...I just don't feel like he's even mine anymore...I feel like he belongs to someone else...which I guess he does right now.
Of course it was very weird though...at lunch we sat at opposite ends of the table to eat and my evil SIL sat right next to him...she's trying to be his best friend eventhough they've always despised eachother. It's pretty good that the only people that support you are people that you once despised! It's almost commical because everyone actually notices what she is doing comments on how they NEVER got along before...evil SIL would never even let her H spend the night with mine because she didn't trust my H. It has been 6 years of that....now she's his best friend and let her H spend the night with my H Monday night....eveyone said "can you believe she actually let him spend the night??" It's comical in a VERY twisted way. The good thing is that even when it was just H's two brothers with him Monday night he didn't even mention other woman except when one brother asked about us splitting and it was a very short answer.
It was very stressful and I'm glad to be home. My H is supposed to be spending the night at the beach tomorrow with OW....not confirmed but assumed. Apparently he went a night early to the beach and is spending two nights...I think he's pretty stessed about the whole situation. Hopefully he doesn't go and make more bad decisions!
He's starting to tell everyone that the A didn't happen until after I kicked him out, basically blaming it on me,even though he admitted it to me two days after I kicked him out. He's really trying to justify himself to eveyone right now. He told OW's H on May 31st that he was emotionally attached to his wife and that was 2.5 months before I kicked him out.
Ugh! How has it been since the funeral? Has he called, stopped by etc or is he still at the beach? When does his sister go home or does she live nearby? She may be feeling for him because she is in a similar crisis situation in her life right now and is living through him so to speak. It's a stretch but might explain why she is reaching out to him right now. Or maybe his behavior lately just makes her feel better about her behavior with you and the rest of the family. Lots of questions and not many answers right now. Maybe your MIL could give some insight? I guess it isn't super important what your H and his sis have come to terms with together but maybe he is just latching on to the family he has that is standing by him. Natural I guess. We all want to be near the ones "on our side".
As for lying about the A to others, obviously just trying to cover his tracks. Anyone that really matters already knows that isn't true. I wouldn't waste much effort on trying to clear it up. If it is with family, maybe your MIL could help you debunk the myth quickly. Gossip spreads fast in most families. You just have to be careful not to talk down too much about your H with his family or they might decide that you are the evil one. (obviously not true but they won't care) I was worried about that with my inlaws and my locking H out but I talked with my MIL before he did about it and was able to explain myself. Probably saved my R w/her because of it. Just let her know you are concerned that you and your son will lose your R with the family if blame gets unfairly shifted to you.
Let me know what is up! ~T
Trust in yourself...you are the only one that can guide your future...
Me-28 X-30 QLC-just separated from OW after 3 yrs M-3yrs Tog-8yrs D-3yrs Bomb-8/5/06
He worked 71 hours last week which he left me a voicemail saying it was a personal record...makes me happy to know that he isn't spending that time with OW out of work...but they do still work the graveyard shift together.
Sad as it is, it made me feel really good that she was still "with me" on the whole thing despite my attempts to protect myself from H that could be misconstrued to be evil on my part. Anyway, I will check in or call soon. Good luck tonight!