Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Muddle's Waters IV

Diito here. It is just so hard trying to be patient when there is an A still going on. I am just trying to stay positive and not focus on it no matter how hard that is.

These are all questions that don't make much of a difference at the moment, do they? I think we are trying to get straight in our minds some sort of path into the future so that we can maintain a sense of control. A part of us wants to just say it's over just so we can plan for that outcome and have that stability, while the opposite is true too. In the end, success will only come through letting go of this need to control and create our world and just accept the altruistic portion of our goals as our focus and drop the idea that we know what this will look like. We don't know what the best outcome will be even if we think we do. We can only come to acheive it by letting go and allowing things to happen as they may, this way we will be free of resentment because we don't have expectations as to what the "right" thing to do is, or what the right outcome is. This is the difference beteen blame and responsibility Whatis. this is where we can take responsibility for changing our perspective to eliminate resenment causing thinking on our part rather than blaming ourselves for being resentful, and in so doing will be in a far better place to recognize the steps toward positive resolution than if we are stuck in a resentful, closed-minded place ourselves. It's all we can do. Either we stay where we are and become bitter, cut our losses and leave because we are unable to change our expectations and thereby reduce our pain to a bearable level, or we accept things as they are and let go of everything we can't control.

Wow Muddle. That is another great post. I think I'm just going to follow you around on here and read what you have to say!!!

Thanks.

You are completely right. However the letting go part is just very difficult sometimes. I know that I nee to let go as well and there are days when it seems easy and then there are days where I am back to my normal controling self which I hate. I guess we just have to try and break all of the years of habits that we have created and move on with our lives and let fate and/or the HP that you believe in take over a guide us to the places we are supposed to be. Thanks Muddle that was pretty insightful.

Yes, we're all still trying to control our situation. If I just do this or that then the pot of gold will be at the end of the rainbow. Part of DBing is indeed letting go, making plans to better ourselves and doing interventions that may make a dif. but that don't control out minds and lives (if that makes sense). Somehow the detachment part is difficult because I think we mistake detachment with not feeling love anymore. If I detach maybe I won't love her anymore. It's a difficult concept to absorb.

Or maybe we mistake fear for love and think if we give up our fear we give up our love. Loss of possession equates to loss of the object of our love, and the fear of this loss reminds us that we do in fact love, but the focus is not on the act or even feeling of love, rather it is on preventing the loss of something. The tragic thing is that often that which you are trying to prevent the loss of doesn't exist in the present because of all of the negative feelings inspired by fear, and all we do is remind ourselves of what it once was to give ourselves reason to fear the loss of it. Love is action, so we need to put aside our fears and act in love - not for fear that we'll lose all the material things in our lives if we don't do so well enough, but because we know that altruistic love is the highest calling and expression of our spirits, and we want to realize that part of ourselves. This is an expression of self love, love of our life and universe and of our spouses. It asks for nothing in return - not even from ourselves. It's not a form of emotional capital that entitles us to benefits because we have invested emotional energy in some event or person. It's a state of being, one that we all have a desire to strive for, and our spouses are our mirrors, helping us fine-tune ourselves as vessels for this calling. This situation we are going through is a test, one that gives us the ultimate opportunity to love under the most difficult of circumstances, one where our minds are clouded with the darkest emotions we can experience. It's a challenge to see people that are hurting us as people, not as evil or something that would be more convenient in the moment due to the hurt we are feeling. They are people just as we are making their choices. We HAVE to love them as our equals, regardless of how we rate their choices. We are no better or worse because we can only weigh people against our values - our subjective vantage point. We have to accept that no matter how good our rationalization is, we are just as wrong as they are. Otherwise, this battle that we fight is "I'm right, you're wrong - and everyone agrees with me that you are wrong." Not much there but animosity - no love, no appreciation, no respect. It's a power struggle, one that doesn't leave any room for love. And isn't that what this is all about?

You could not have out it any better Muddel. That was great insight and actually makes me feel a lot better about my sitch. Fear of loss of my W is what I am going through right now. The fear that I will lose someone that I have been with for a very long time. I need to over come this fear and once I do I can start living my life with or without her (hopfully With). Thanks for the inspiration.

Lots to ponder there, Muddle. I will be re-reading it later on. You write "This situation we are going through is a test, one that gives us the ultimate opportunity to love under the most difficult of circumstances" but at some point one must decide whether this test is really beneficial to us. A car heading straight for a wall gives me the opportunity to test dealing with my fear, but it might be smarter to jump out of the car. It's hard to know whether your R is heading for that wall and whether it's time to jump out before the crash! One has to decide whether the "test" is worth it. It may be too much to ask each of us to put aside any ego, expectation, and hopes for the R in order to just "be" and find that acceptable. Certainly, by being open to things outside the box, we can grow as people but to accept everything and anything may be too much to ask. I guess I wonder how plausible it is. Theory versus reality, I guess. I sense that you are advocating the "abandon all hope" school of thought, like Pedram Chodrin advises (her book "When things fall apart", I believe is the title). She proposes that hope is what actually creates our pain, if we abandon it then we open ourselves up to the present and all the wonders that lie within that present moment. If we are consumed by what is not loving or what/who has wronged us in our world (things we hoped would be different), we become "unhappy". I guess the point is, we can choose. But, as always theory takes it's lumps when it comes to practise. I think one must become very dedicated to the concept to make it work. Just for the record Pedram Chodrin is also a LBS. Apparently her H came home one night, got out of the car, told her their M was over, got back in the car and drove away. She claims this experience actually helped put her on the road to Buddhism, (not that I'm advocating that faith, just an interesting point) I think she even thanks her husband in the book for making that possible!. So, I will definately re-read your thoughtful post, Muddle and maybe comment further later.

One more quick thought re Muddle's post: We are fearing the loss of a love that is already lost! If it wasn't we wouldn't be doing this, would we. That which we so greatly fear has already happened. The love we cherish was in the past and just as the WAS remembers selectively all the bad, do we do selectively remember and re-write the good stuff? If the R is already gone and we are fearing something that has already happened, does that mean the worst is now over? It leaves for an enormous upside when you think about it. OK, back to work!!!

You raise a good point. I believe we do in a way re-wrie all of the good. Maybe not re-write it to an extent but I believe we try and forget about all of the bad because we are in a state of denial. Denial that we caused or believe that this is even happening. But to a point the love that we were recieving from our S's is currently hidden behind whatever they believe that we did to cause their pain. Everytime we push we bring that pain back up to the front of their memories again and they believe they are doing the correct thing. I finally noticed that after my last break down. The W was tarting to call and check up on me she says. then I had a break down because I saw her at the OM's house...I know, I know, it is not about the OM but that does add a huge element to the sitch. I always told the W that I would not have a problem giving her her space if he was not in the picture... Oh well. Just my 2 cents.