Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE The lighting o' the lightbulbs

Burgbud,

This

my H wants me to assure him of his manliness

is the sediment that I have been trying (rather unsucessfully) get acrossed. He is never satisfied because the masculine feeling he gets out of our sexual encounters is fleeting and yet he craves it. If that sense of manliness came from within, our sex life would look radically different than it does now.

He is never satisfied because the masculine feeling he gets out of our sexual encounters is fleeting and yet he craves it.

I think that's fairly common.


If that sense of manliness came from within, our sex life would look radically different than it does now.

Indeed.

Sweety:

From one abused victim to another, I have to say I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.

My xH was very O driven... and I always felt that my O was never about me, it was always about him... I won't elaborate, because I know you know exactly of what I am speaking.

However. I will caution you on something. Though this may, in fact, be the case... we abuse survivors bring with us an odd vibe. We NATURALLY disconnect from the emotional exchange of intimate sex. Not because someone can't give they way we would like (or what we would like to feel from them), but because WE (you and I) have an ENORMOUSLY hard time receiving... love. Trust. Empathy.

There is nothing about you that gives off any vibe for him to intuitively pick up on. Not saying he isn't O driven, right now... but YOU can change it. And if you have any idea what I am talking about, you will feel a resistance inside yourself as you read these words.

I am just now wandering through this maze myself. I've darn near collapsed emotionally, sometimes, when I've tried to push myself too hard. I've even had PHYSICAL symptoms occur to sidetrack my efforts. Did you hear that? I've had psychosymatic, physical reactions during sex because I have been BOUND and DETERMINED to receive from my partner. It is dam near more than I can stand sometimes... emotionally, psychologically.

I'm glad, so very glad, you have had this revelation. And there is a way out of it. Honey, you are so normal it hurts. And I am so glad you are finally realizing it and letting yourself off the hook.

I'd be happy to discuss with you, online or off. Lemme no.

Corri

Corri,
It's so good to be understood. But it hurts.

Cine:

Quote:

---

It's so good to be understood. But it hurts.

---

Well. Thank God. It's probably the first true emotion you've had in years. Count yourself lucky. Most abuse survivors NEVER get to the hurting part of it.

This may sound... harsh. I don't mean it to. Just absorb it.

The fact that you are able to feel anything in regard to your H and sex that is remotely different than digust is a true break-thru.

What you are feeling is normal, accurate and worth investigation. But I would caution you on 'labeling' it as his problem, or even your problem. Because really, it isn't a problem at all. You don't HAVE a problem.

You have emotions....

...in regard to sex with someone whom you care about... that have been sitting dormant under your resentment.

Your resentment... is linked, haphazardly... to all those wires that got crossed during abuse. There is no one at fault here. There are only wires to be untangled. And if you ever took apart your five deck stereo, moved, and then tried to put it back together, without the directions... you'll know of what I am speaking.

If not... then pretend you just turned your five year old loose on the motherboard of electrical circuitry to your home... 'look at all the pretty wires, Mommy!"

Get my drift?

The fact that you can even get out of your own skin and recognize what your H is doing is HUGE. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing, per se. Nothing. He KNOWS no different, for you have not been involved in the process up until your realization. You ken?

The hurt you are feeling... has no place in regret. You should be throwing a fcking party, girlfriend. The biggest gdam party on the planet.

Welcome to the world of the living.

Corri

Cine

Now that you can clearly see what you need and want from him, but also realize that you have as much responsibility for the state of things, you are actually at the beginning of a new road.

How will you tell him about your realizations?

How will he react?

How are you going to deal with the hurt feelings (personalizing) that you both are going have when you start getting honest with him?

Why not start it off with some radical honesty?

If I am anywhere close to understanding what you are trying to say, I would recommend something along these lines.

H I recently had some ligh bulbs go off. For the first time I can see a time and place where we have an intimate R, and a great sex life.
The thing is there is some things that I am going to need to talk to you about, and work WITH me on. (not work on for me, or work on) and I need you to not take them personally. I am going to tell them to you BECAUSE I want a great sexually fullfilling R with YOU.

Im scared to get started because I dont know how you will react. I want you to know up front there is going to be some serious unpleasantness for both of us to get there. I want to get started though. If you want to deal with this with me, let me know when.'

Being congruent --- with our feelings like this, conscious of our self, knowing what we want, having this sort of fearless personal self integrity (different then morality) is not easy. When we are though, it becomes much easier to see other peoples 'acting out' as their problem. Honestly it scares a lot of people. Not only that, but they dont believe it.

Its their fears driving the...reactivity, not us. (As long as we are not being intentionally cruel. If you were like that, you wouldnt be feeling this remorse though.)


If this doesnt ring for you, feel free to say What the hell are you talking about... .

Every time you are afraid of rejection and pain, remember your the most important woman in his life. He is just as sensitive to it as you. Whenever that inner voice in your head says, 'If he loved me he would do.....(fillintheblank)' his innervoice is probably doing the same.

Personally, Im really happy for you. What is ahead is not going to be easy, but it does have hope and possiblility.

There is a couple other things I noticed, but Corri is getting started on them allready, and I want to make sure I am understanding you. Gotta keep my backside covered. Corris got them pointy shoes.

Thank you, Corri. I am working on the decorations for that fcking party! Of course everyone here is invited.

The lightbulbs went off all at once, but the steps were incremental. While the realization was sudden, there were changes taking place all along that contributed to my lightbulb moment.

It is truly a new era, we talked about MONEY (or lack thereof) last night and there was no yelling, no finger pointing.

BF,
Thank you for the sage advice. My stomach started churning and my hands got clammy at the thought of saying those things to my H. I have to get to a place where I am not petrified to talk about the changes that have taken place. It's going to take some prayer and practice.

Corri,
My email is mistevens1@comcast.net.

Go ahead on and email me anytime.

Hey CN... I think it's great you have come to some new insights. That's the cool part of life...we grow, we stretch, we change...sometimes on our own, sometimes by being pushed along...sometimes because there is just no choice. It's scary, but it's what makes the journey so fascinating.

It's interesting to me that your H's behavior, the selfish virile stuff, is the kind of stuff I have been actually desiring from my H. For my H, that kind of action requires change and growth from the baseline goofy sexuality ( think Tom Hanks in "Big"). He has made a lot of progress, but it was fueled by changes in me---I had to be at a place of growth as well. One partner does some changing...and the other somehow is pushed along, or the relationship stagnates.

The changes that each of us want are all going to be diffferent because we come from different backgrounds, have had different experiences and are looking for different things. It sounds like you want your H to be more giving to you...sometimes a small change gets the ball rolling, so to speak. Is there something specific you could address? Is there a best way for your H to hear you? If your relationship is pretty good, you might not need to set off fireworks to get some movement happening.

Good luck... I am excited for you.