I'm actually pretty good about that. In the past I'd only go through his wallet maybe once a year at most (and only if it just happened to be sitting somewhere nearby while I was doing something like waiting for him). I never expected to find anything and even if I did I'd figure it was work related and wouldn't worry about it.
But when I did start to get a very strong suspicion something was going on, that's when I started looking more closely at things. It did help me understand why he moved downstairs and then why he wanted to move out and file for divorce. Even through I knew he was drawing away from me and EXTREMELY agitated, he did an exceptional job hiding the affair. Even when I finally had proof (the cell phone records showing tons of phone calls between them) he still gave plausible excuses (saying the conversations were related to the class, or she was in town and they were talking every two hours because she needed directions or suggestions of things to see, etc.....). I have to admit the cell phone records were kind of strange because there were few long phone calls. Lots of very short one and two minute ones (I guess lots of voicemail messages???). I only had one month's worth of records. The thing I found undeniable is that my husband hates talking on the phone, is terrible about calling people, and yet when I counted phone calls her number was the one that had the most calls in a one month period of time. In addition, my husband doesn't have "women" friends. He might work with them and talk with them, but a more normal amount of phone calls in a month's time to a female co-worker would be 2 max. Maybe if they were working very cloesly on a project they'd talk more, but my husband hates the phone. Even that would be unlikely. He doesn't even talk with his immediate boss that often!!!
Oh well, sorry for the ranting on that. I'm hi-jacking your thread with my personal complaints here. I think in general snooping should be avoided, but sometimes I think it's helpful to have an idea of where they are. Although I think it could be counterproductive if it causes you to flip out. I found it reassuring to know my husband's decisions were based on an affair. The idea he was leaving me because he just didn't want to be married bothered me more than realizing he was dealing with the stress and confusion of an affair.
Although affairs are certainly no easier to accept than general unhappiness.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I just spoke to my girlfriend about this subject today too,, I explained that now that hubby has new cell I do not want access to his bill etc, etc,,
...it will be better just to let go and believe in him . I do not want to be a P.I. anymore it is too exhausting.LOL I have better things to do now,, but I do agree somehow as "crazy" as it sounds it sort of tells a story... when I confronted my hubby @ 4 am while he was sleeping here ( came to see kids )for Fathers Day @ "OW", I noticed (on the bill) he started calling her alot lesss and me alot more....also when he told me he cut off contact with her the bill confirmed it,, plus I never confronted him @ the bill, so he has no idea..
...just like the mottto will what I am @ to do bring me closer to my goal/ my M being restored and my self worth being intact?If the answer was No I did not do it.. so the info was not for me to crucify him , he had already done that to himself!!!!!!! .... it was for me to see with my own eyes if my heart was telling me the truth and if My H was telling me the truth too... But overall snooping does hurt...instead of looking for evidence I agree it feels so much better to love him. God bless....
hey running, you can complain on my thread allllll you want
Funny you say that, on my H's cell there were lots of 2 and 3min convos to her #, and only one huge one, I'm guessing that's the day when they broke it off 'cause the next day he called me almost EVERYmin for 2hrs (I was away the whole day I guess) and the day after that he told me he wanted back.
Anyways, there is prob more to it, and frankly, I dont' want to care anymore, I will never know everything and it is prob better that way (I know too much) But at least I have the piece of mind that he only called her like 4 x after he was home and they didnt' talk much (if at all, 2, 1min calls)
He forgets that he has to build his trust again w/me, so this is my way of seeing that he indeed doesn't want anything else w/her.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
He forgets that he has to build his trust again w/me, so this is my way of seeing that he indeed doesn't want anything else w/her.
Me TOOOOOOOOOO.I wonder if in their minds they forgot it all and they assume we forgot too? I wish I could forget so easily.. it seems harder to me to get over that issue than all the other ones that are a part of reconciliation. I do not like the power I allow the memory of the "OW" BS and his temporary insanity to have over me.
Anyways, there is prob more to it, and frankly, I dont' want to care anymore, I will never know everything and it is prob better that way (I know too much)
I undertand your feeling about not wanting to know too much, and that makes sense.... but sometimes I wonder if I imagine things being much worse than they really were. I do kind of feel like there's this layer of secrecy between me and my husband. There's this thing that happened, it's ugly and I'm just not sure what it is. Even though I don't know, I still create the picture of it.
One thing. I never saw OW. I could have but my therapist talked me out of it because she said then I'd have a "picture" of them together. Well... I still have a picture! It may not be accurate or real, but I just fill in the blanks.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
if you knew her face, you've be doing what I've been doing, comparing my self to her in EVERY sence, hair, smile, body, etc etc, it's better you dont know. About imagining things worse that they really were, it really doesn't help to know details, you do get the satisfaction of knowing, but in the long run it is just bad. Like I posted before, I wanted to know if he gave her something 4 Christmas, he did plan to take her to the Nutcraker ballet, now I hate that ballet group, that play, I hate to hear about it, well, I did until I realize that -he he- the group went on strike 3 times so he had to cancel 3x-he he.
But you get my drift, the more details you know the MORE you want to know, then, you are left w/crystal clear pictures of the H and the whore, you dont' want that baby, really.
Repeat after me, when H was w/slut:
1. He had sh*t in his brains 2. He had his own life appart from yours 3. He did it to himself without ever realizing one day you'd know and hurt 4. It is OVER OVER OVER 5. Though nothing justifies As we had a good part on the downfall of our Ms 6. Each time we think about A and the looser slut we give her power to drain happiness away from us. 7. The sluts care NOTHING for us and dont' deserve our time, not one second. 8. And ultimately, we let the A overshadow everything and we tend to forget what led to the A, we need to address those issues and not let our fears be an obstacle to fully throw ourselves to work hard on our Ms, to love like we've been never hurt, to forgive fully and be free.
And all of the above I just wrote, I have to remind myself every day, some days more than others. It's been barely 2mths since I've learned of it, but again, the sting isnt' as painful anymore, it gets easier as time goes by. I beg the Lord to take that poisoned barb off my heart when it tries to pry open my wounds. We can and will put all that crap behind us if we commit to not give it power... notice I say commit because it is an ongoing process, we don't have a little on/off switch, it is a work in progress.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I know what she looks like.. etc. etc. and I also know she is a SL*T for sure, cause it is a very small world would you believe that my really good friend her x boyfriend knows this girl,, I have asked my friend not to mention any of this. he is not good friends with the other W but he knows of her,, crazy. I will not bore you with the details... he lives in the same city and they see eachother at the CLUB...eeeeewwww. I know too much too, and it stinks. I have committed to letting it go and work on it but this last week has been hard for me seeing he is down in mexico and this is where they first "HOOKED UP"
MY TMJ is worse than ever my jaw is really sore and I have not had a good nite sleep since he left.Sheesh
I do not try to think @ her and I do try to really focus on my M , I am really looking forward to the day that I do not think about her.. Like I told you before Cat , scary buttue! I think we think @ it ( THE A) way more than our H's do.
Its over,, but now we have to let it go, and that is hard, but everytime I trip I get up and try again.
Do you know where I can order a branding iron online??? with my whole name on it???? and seeing as I am Hispanic I have a fairly long name.... OUCH!!!!! Just kidding.. LMAO God bless...
Okay.... I'm bad... did a little sleuthing and found a photo of her online (college reunion). She's ugly. It actually makes me feel better. I'm imagining a Barbie doll and she's meatloaf (heck I'm the Barbie doll!!!!). Why my husband would even look twice at that thin-lipped, flat-chested, ugly mouse is beyond me. He WAS STUPID!!!!
Sheesh I don't know what's wrong with me today. I already had my period????
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Ok now you see! You are encouaging my bad behavior! Since I am curious, and want to feel better about myself, but I have too many people out there watching so I cannot do that, but, what fun to know she is ugly. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
it seems harder to me to get over that issue than all the other ones that are a part of reconciliation. I do not like the power I allow the memory of the "OW" BS and his temporary insanity to have over me.
