Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Moving Forward

Hi Friends,

I'm SO appreciative of your support, it's incredible. I feel like I get so much strength here to go out and deal with my crazy H.

To answer a few Q's...

Regarding H's R w/ his dad ~ H is (was) a very sweet, gentle, "old soul" kind of person. Dad is wonderful man, but completely the opposite. He's a "man's man", macho, works in construction, very strict w/ H as a child, extremely high standards and expectations. He was physically abusive toward H, not sure to what extent, but I can definitely sense H's fear of making mistakes. He just could never live up. When we moved to H's home country in 2003 with S(1 at the time) I really saw H regressing in his father's presence.

So, my guess is that he is finally feeling the anger, he "snapped" and just couldn't (can't) walk the narrow line anymore. He went from altar boy type to Goth vampire type. Gee, not too obvious! But he doesn't see any of this, it's all the fault of everyone else.

Yes, it is time to face reality and accept that H is not coming back. I honestly don't think he has the emotional/mental well-being to work through his demons - not at least for many years. So sad.

You've all given me some things to think about in terms of writing MIL. I think I'll hold off on that.

Tomorrow I'm heading over to family court to (hopefully) get the legal separation papers going. I would file for D but I think that's too expensive.

Tonight H crossed the final line for me. He called me at work to ask if he could bring S4 to the library tonight and bring him for dinner out. I said sure, thinking it was a great idea. But on my way home w/ S4 I noticed his car pulling in to the library and he wasn't alone! I followed him and sure enough he was dropping "her" off. I honked and said "no, this isn't going to happen". I am still in shock. He didn't bother to come over and I had to trace him down over the phone. He tried to deny he was going to introduce them - does he think I'm a moron!! I told him I still stand by the opinion that it will be better for our S4 if I meet Ow first, he denys and resists. We did some arguing and actually accused me of being unpredictable. He said he's afraid and wants to protect the person he is "deeply in love with". God, he just doesn't give a crap about my feelings.

Does anyone out there have experience w/ legal separation in CA?
Well, I'm exhausted,.

Hi MonicP:

Good for you in standing up and preventing H from trying to introduce Ow to S4 on the sly. What a jerk. No, they have no consideration for our feelings. The ironic thing is that if the tables were turned H would have bad things to say about you. Stand your ground. Ow just wants to have one more thing of yours to bond over with H. Let them have their own child together if they want to be such a happy family.

My H did not grow up with a father. Still does not have a relationship with him. I tried to mend it when we got married but personalities have just not allowed for it. H is also the construction type, very macho and strict with S3 and all the other stuff. If I do not prevent H from being overly harsh with S3 his disciplining would be considered physical abuse. But as H's morals leave much to be desired (ie Ow) then he can't really be judgemental towards anyone including S3. You lead by example. Ironically, because of how H's father was not there for him he always said that he would never be that kind of father to his children. But how could he not be I guess. It is all that he knows. But he thinks that he is a great father because he always sees S3. It takes more than that. You need to live in the home to show S3 what a happy, normal family life is all about. After all why do you think S3 is so attached to you. He knows you leave every night and he wants you to stay. But I guess him asking if you are coming right back or when are you coming home daddy does not move your heart of stone one bit.

Oh the trials and tribulations of WAHs. And yet, we still love them and want them back with us.

Last night after I told H that he was not welcome to come in my home as he pleases he came back and still hung around. Then he leaves and calls me at 3:30am in the morning asking what I was doing. (He seemed pretty sloshed, which is highly unusual and scary actually since H does not drink ( a beer very seldom) or smoke.) I guess he was not happy with my new rules. But if I make you unhappy you should be happy to be released from feeling that you are obligated to come by. You've been with S3 from 1pm (after school) until I come home from work at 6:30pm or later. Is it really him that you are here to see/be with? I guess that shows that for them they really are confused. As I say, the fog, the fog.

maf

Hi Maf,

Thanks for your post.

H showed up this morning for his Sunday all-day visit w/ S4. He called first because he was running late and I started to ask him about his plans for the day. I had gotten some good suggestions from my therapist, one of which was to state my "expectation" that he would not include Ow (again) until we are legally separated. I told him I will go to Family Court on Tuesday to get the papers going. He arrived while we were still on the phone, and even though I asked that we continue our conversation on the phone, he came up. I asked that we sit down at the table to have a "mature" conversation. It was rocky at first with all of his assumptions and projections, but gradually we got to the point. I have been telling him that I need to meet Ow before S4 (although I know he's already introduced them - I now know it's happened twice). I tried to explain my reasoning in the simplest terms. I also used some phrases my therapist suggested including, "you are not being a good father" and "don't turn it around". I had to use both repeatedly. Finally he agreed to a first step which will be that I talk to Ow on the phone. I told him I would simply say "tell me about yourself". I still have this feeling that he doesn't want me to speak in person to her because he may have been hiding some of the truth from her - don't know. He also said that he had emailed me about Ow which - thankfully - I didn't receive. I don't want to hear it from him, what a jerk! He is so insensitive!! At the end of the day - while I was eating dinner with S4 and he was sitting there - he pointed out that he was purposely wearing his rings and didn't see the point in hiding them anymore. He wears a Goth style silver ring on his wedding finger and another gold(?) ring on his other hand. I wonder if he got his wedding ring from me pounded down to this new ring style.

Well, he took S4 to the pumpkin patch and to the beach. God knows if Ow was there. He was back on time and tried to make some conversation with me at dinner. But earlier, during our talk, he made the statement: "I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for her". What a loser.

Well, I'm exhausted. S4 had a major meldown yesterday and it drained me.

Take it easy ~

Hi Monica

Well it sounds as if your talk with H went pretty well. I know it all seems so ddifficult at first but, practice makes perfect. I need to take my own advice.

As for my sitch I honestly have no clue as to where I stand. I hear that H was at her church yesterday. I assume with her. That hurt like hell. The last time we went to church was before he met her in 04. I hope that they don't think that church attendance condones or nullifies their crap.

I was so depressed I actually thought of contacting a lawyer to file. But I have better things to do with the $750 retainer that is required.

This am H came in the bed with me and S3 before it was time to get up. At one point when he wrapped his arms around us H got turned on but quickly turned away. Trying to be faithful I guess.

Ow b-day is Sat (36). I can imagine the celebration H is going to put on to impress.

My 40th b-day in April was totally ignored. I did not get a present, cake, card or even a Happy b-day. That hurt especially since it is such a milestone and I have no family here to make a big deal of it. B-days are big for me and this is the 3rd let down I've had from him.

But not to dwell on the bad. How is S4 since the meltdown?

Thinking of you.

maf

Hi Maf,

Thanks for your post, sorry it's taken me a few days to respond. It's been a rough week emotionally and mentally w/ H and his lies, and my attempts at starting the filing process (legal separation, custody & support).

Found out by S4 (very innocently) that Ow joined them last weekend at pumpkin patch & beach. I am devastated - not only by his sheer lack of sensitivity and lies - but by the fact that he is going about replacing me with a "new family" - using S4 in their infidelity. This time last year, just before I found out about Ow and that H was "unhappy" in our M, we took S(3) to the pumpkin patch. I remember feeling so excited because it was something I had done w/ my mom as a child and now I was going to do it w/ my family. Well, H was not exactly "enthusiastic" and kept fairly removed. Later we went to the beach and I remember he wanted to sit next to me, but I was busy trying to play with S(3).

It hurts a lot that he has just "simply" replaced me. I am hurt and angry. WTF! I didn't do anything wrong, we had a good life together, we did love each other (or so I believed). Why is it so easy for him to fall in love w/ Ow and behave so cruelly to me? I am a good person and I was always kind to him, I wasn't perfect, but I was definitely not even close to the way he perceives me. It's frustrating.

I went to the Family Court twice, last Fri and again on Tuesday, both times coming away with more confusion. But, I think I got all of the forms I need now to do it myself. I have a lot of reading to do, but otherwise I have to get in line at 6:30am to get a number and I just don't have the time or anyone to take S4 that early. I just can't wait to get some clarity/closure with this. I'm already anxious about the amount of money he'll give me this month - said he was getting a pay cut - but I'm pretty sure his company is just bumping to salary + commission vs. straight salary. Again, he's trying to give me the runaround.

He bailed again this past Tuesday - at the last minute - saying he had to work. I had already felt "safe" to tell S4 "daddy is coming over" and then I got his message when I got home from work. He came last night by about 6:30pm which is late. I went out for a while and couldn't even muster a "bye" when he left. I feel like I hate him right now.

I did get some good books at the library. One about helping children through divorce and the one is called "Not My Mother's Divorce".

Btw, I am really sorry that your H didn't acknowledge your birthday. I'm sure that hurt a lot, as does all of their behavior! I hope you were able to celebrate with friends (?)

Did I miss something? That's amazing that your H got in bed w/ you. Is that a regular occurence? How does he justify that? What do you think of it?

It's late - I'm exhausted.

Keep in touch.

hi Monica:

As you can see I have been off the boards lately myself. Like you going through alot of emotional rollercoasters.

I had lots of stuff to say about what has been going on but it was superceded tonight by H saying that he wanted to put closure to our situation and get a D. Of course he expects me to do all the work, filing etc. Well let him wait. He promises that he will pay this and pay that and that if I want it in writing that is no problem but it would not be worth the paper that it is written on.

We had another moment this week. But afterwards he was in a really bad mood as if he felt guilty about cheating on her or maybe giving me the wrong ideas.

When he mentioned D I did not say anything else to him but then he proceeds to hang around until 11pm. What for. You've stated your position which is not to be here so move on. But I guess it really is not that simple. I am tired now and it all hurts too much I am so ready to give up.

maf

Hi Maf,

I'm sorry to hear that about your sitch. I don't get it. Your H's words and actions don't match up. He is acting like he doesn't want to let go, but saying the opposite. Definitely confused! I think you're right to hold off on filing - unless of course you need the legal aspect for support, etc. - but I wouldn't with him anymore either. I'm sure that's hard to hear, but it seems to me that he has his cake and is eating it too. Do you think he would react differently if you said "no thanks"? Maybe he nees to know what he's missing - does that make sense? Hang in there.

I am feeling the loss tremendously lately. Ever since H told me (in response to my asking him) that he plans to marry the Ow. And I found out he has already introduced Ow to our S4. I think it's finally sinking in that H is gone and isn't coming back. He is totally obsessed w. Ow to the point where he can't even see clearly how all of this is effecting S4. He doesn't even get it at all. It seems that in his mind we aren't married and they are and he has every right to include S4 in his new life. He even wrote me some stupid letter recently - giving me an f'in "bio" of Ow and saying how bad he felt for Ow and S4 one night when I caught H w/ Ow before picking up S4. He did it without my consent AND then tried to blame me for me catching him. Ugh. I am so tired of this drama in my life.

I have actually been starting to detach more. I don't make conversation with him - polite or otherwise - unless absolutely necessary (if S4 is paying attention). I can barely say hello or goodbye. We've had a few run-in's recently and each time I see how completely out of touch with reality he is. He doesn't seem to grasp the weight of his behaviour on anyone except himself. It's all about him.

Regardless of all that, I miss him. I miss the man I met and married. I miss our family. I miss his companionship. I miss sharing our day-to-days. I miss ML. I think what I'm going through now is more of the acceptance and breaking down of the denial and shock. Even after a year (Nov 12) I still feel in shock sometimes. I can't believe we are really never going to be together again. God, it hurts.

I don't have any more hope. Just prayer. But even that seems empty right now. I just pray for courage and for the process to work because I am so afraid that I'll be stuck in this shock forever.

How do I heal from this? How do I accept that my M is over and that my H lied to me and betrayed me and breached the trust that I gave to him? How will I ever trust or fall in love again?

I struggle daily with my S4 who misses his daddy. He's very sensitive and can articulate his sadness and loneliness and it breaks my heart.

I think the saddest part is that we never had a chance to try. I believe we might have had a chance had he never met Ow. He told me he still wouldn't want to save our M even if she wasn't in the picture.

I just can't figure out why he hates me so much. He is so cruel and callous toward me now, like I should just "get over it" and I still can't figure out what was so f'ing terrible about our lives together. We had our fair share of problems, but nothing that I believed would ever lead to this.

How does he do it? How does H go to some of our favorite places with Ow or w/ S4? It kills me.

Well, I am exhausted - as usual. At least we get to "fall back" and hour

Take care - stay in touch.

Journaling,

I've changed my subject line from Moving Forward to Praying for Acceptance because I feel stuck. I don't feel like I'm moving foward at all, at least not emotionally. In fact, the past few weeks have been some of the most painful. H seems to have moved past any residual ambivalence about our M and right into full R w/ Ow. He's introduced Ow to S4 on several occasions, including yesterday even though he's still unwilling to be honest about it. He ran into my parent's while out w/ S4 and Ow yesterday, talk about awkward moment! They hadn't seen him for 1 year. My step-dad walked away, my mom said hello. S4 said hi from a distance but somehow intuitively knew not to go to them. So strange. My mom discribed Ow as plain. Both H & Ow were dressed in black on a nice warm-ish day. It makes me sick to picture S4 out with them, "playing house" w/ my S!!!

I was feeling really sad since Saturday night, it carried over through Sunday and when H brought S4 home and S told me what had happened and that they were out w/ Ow I just got overwhelmed w/ grief. I excused myself to take a shower and just balled my eyes out. Of course they heard me and S4 later came to give me a hug. I sat with my wedding ring in the box contemplating returning it to H, but it just made me more depressed. Instead I called my mom and that helped. She advised me not to give back my ring, that some day I would feel differently.

So now I'm praying for acceptance. It seems impossible since all of this happened - almost 1 year ago (Nov 12)- completely out of the blue. I woke up one morning to my H saying he wasn't happy and the next thing I know he's telling me he's met Ow and thinks he's in love and here I am, still in shock.

He now claims he is going to marry her (eventually) and believes it's perfectly ok to include her in his visits w/ S4. And we're not even divorced yet!!

When does this pain end? When does the acceptance kick-in? Am I ever going to get over this? Am I ever going to be able to face him without this tremendous hole in my heart?

There's no hope left and I feel some of the same degree of depression I felt in the beginning. I know I have come a long way, but I feel doomed to grief.

How do I walk through this?

Journaling,

I've changed my subject line from Moving Forward to Praying for Acceptance because I feel stuck. I don't feel like I'm moving foward at all, at least not emotionally. In fact, the past few weeks have been some of the most painful. H seems to have moved past any residual ambivalence about our M and right into full R w/ Ow. He's introduced Ow to S4 on several occasions, including yesterday even though he's still unwilling to be honest about it. He ran into my parent's while out w/ S4 and Ow yesterday, talk about awkward moment! They hadn't seen him for 1 year. My step-dad walked away, my mom said hello. S4 said hi from a distance but somehow intuitively knew not to go to them. So strange. My mom discribed Ow as plain. Both H & Ow were dressed in black on a nice warm-ish day. It makes me sick to picture S4 out with them, "playing house" w/ my S!!!

I was feeling really sad since Saturday night, it carried over through Sunday and when H brought S4 home and S told me what had happened and that they were out w/ Ow I just got overwhelmed w/ grief. I excused myself to take a shower and just balled my eyes out. Of course they heard me and S4 later came to give me a hug. I sat with my wedding ring in the box contemplating returning it to H, but it just made me more depressed. Instead I called my mom and that helped. She advised me not to give back my ring, that some day I would feel differently.

So now I'm praying for acceptance. It seems impossible since all of this happened - almost 1 year ago (Nov 12)- completely out of the blue. I woke up one morning to my H saying he wasn't happy and the next thing I know he's telling me he's met Ow and thinks he's in love and here I am, still in shock.

He now claims he is going to marry her (eventually) and believes it's perfectly ok to include her in his visits w/ S4. And we're not even divorced yet!!

When does this pain end? When does the acceptance kick-in? Am I ever going to get over this? Am I ever going to be able to face him without this tremendous hole in my heart?

There's no hope left and I feel some of the same degree of depression I felt in the beginning. I know I have come a long way, but I feel doomed to grief.

How do I walk through this?

Journaling,

I've changed my subject line from Moving Forward to Praying for Acceptance because I feel stuck. I don't feel like I'm moving foward at all, at least not emotionally. In fact, the past few weeks have been some of the most painful. H seems to have moved past any residual ambivalence about our M and right into full R w/ Ow. He's introduced Ow to S4 on several occasions, including yesterday even though he's still unwilling to be honest about it. He ran into my parent's while out w/ S4 and Ow yesterday, talk about awkward moment! They hadn't seen him for 1 year. My step-dad walked away, my mom said hello. S4 said hi from a distance but somehow intuitively knew not to go to them. So strange. My mom discribed Ow as plain. Both H & Ow were dressed in black on a nice warm-ish day. It makes me sick to picture S4 out with them, "playing house" w/ my S!!!

I was feeling really sad since Saturday night, it carried over through Sunday and when H brought S4 home and S told me what had happened and that they were out w/ Ow I just got overwhelmed w/ grief. I excused myself to take a shower and just balled my eyes out. Of course they heard me and S4 later came to give me a hug. I sat with my wedding ring in the box contemplating returning it to H, but it just made me more depressed. Instead I called my mom and that helped. She advised me not to give back my ring, that some day I would feel differently.

So now I'm praying for acceptance. It seems impossible since all of this happened - almost 1 year ago (Nov 12)- completely out of the blue. I woke up one morning to my H saying he wasn't happy and the next thing I know he's telling me he's met Ow and thinks he's in love and here I am, still in shock.

He now claims he is going to marry her (eventually) and believes it's perfectly ok to include her in his visits w/ S4. And we're not even divorced yet!!

When does this pain end? When does the acceptance kick-in? Am I ever going to get over this? Am I ever going to be able to face him without this tremendous hole in my heart?

There's no hope left and I feel some of the same degree of depression I felt in the beginning. I know I have come a long way, but I feel doomed to grief.

How do I walk through this?