yeah I know. He wants to bring that up all the time and his mother has told me that too. I told him once this is over it's over...but he doesn't care. He is givning up a wife he cooked for him every single night..cleaned and washed his clothes, kept his house clean and decorated nicely, threw parties for his family and friends, worked full time, was completely loyal to him and my life was based on loving him forever all b/c I didn't "fish and hunt, ski or horse back ride or love his mother and sister like he thought I should". Do you think that's crazy or what? People say he either has a girlfriend or he's gay. I think he has a girlfriend that says she does all those fun things and she brought back the spark to him. Oh well. All I can do is let go of him and let him ruin his life.
Hi Laurie! Quick help! Our mediation date is Oct.16th! So that is coming up! What do I do and what should I wear to impress H? This will be the first time since we've seen eachother in 3 months. How should I react when I see him?
Dear Spike, You first asked if it was OK to go completely dark and that you have gone dark for almost 4 weeks and have not seen him for 2 months. Well, it takes a lot of discipline to hold back trying to make contact and I applaud you for being able to do so!
As Michele writes, when someone strongly thinks they want a D and that's what you heard from him the last time you called, then going dark appears your best option. You have to ask yourself that if you tried to contact him at this time, would it impact the relationship in a positive or negative way? If you are worried that it may be risky and just irritate him that you called, you need to continue staying dark, OK?
Now, regarding your mediation. I like your plan to look good and act upbeat! However, I really encourage you to not spend too much time focusing on the Oct 16th date yet, as there are still a number of weeks when things could happen. Any new or different interaction with your h before the mediation could impact how you set goals for the mediation. Now, I am guessing you are thinking there will be no contact until mediation - and you might be right. But, let's wait and see and work through those goals as we move into October, OK?
OK dear Spike, you are definately keeping your mind on your goals and putting your energy into trying to accomplish them - more power to you!!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Well right now remaining dark is going to be the best thing. When I talked to him last time he acted like he didn't want to talk anymore and the discussion was over. I almost ran into him on the road today, but he drove past me. So that's the type of interaction that we get! None! But you have recommened to hold off on the bank trip so I will do that. I seriously think he's seeing someone b/c he has a guy roomate who is seeing a girl and I know he is brining over "single" girls to be with my H. So I will continue to remain dark until the court date other than that that's all I can do. Let me ask you: when they tell you "I'm not in love with you anymore" do you believe that? I have struggled with how he cannot be in love with me anymore within 2 years of marriage? He told me he felt like we were just friends. Is it true that they can just stop loving you or are they confused on thier feelings?? It also makes me wonder did he ever love from the beginning? Thanks for the help.
Laurie Question: I saw my H today on the road and he waved at me, but I drove off and ignored me and didn't wave. Should I wave back? Or act like I didn't see him?? Thanks
I wish you all the luck in your efforts. My H was sending me the same kind of mixed messages until he began dating a friend of ours. Now he has pretty much stopped interaction with me except when we are at our S's football games and we are waiting to talk with our Ss. I didn't know DB coaches responded to our posts. I would have loved to have had a session with one of them but there is no way I can afford it. I am still waiting for a referral to a solution focused therapists near me. My assessor said H and I had a distancer/pursuer R so I stopped contacting H unless it is about the boys and I haven't had any reason to contact him since.
Sorry for going on about me, sounds like you are getting good advice. I wonder what would happen if you acted as if the divorce ws not going to happen. Sometimes when we are so focused on saving our marriage we get uptight when we are around them.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Yeah I know he has to be seeing someone although i have no real proof right now. it's scary for me to have to face the reality, but I'm trying to get myself "prepared" for the truth. although i don't think you can ever prepare yourself for the truth of knowing your H is seeing someone else. it brings down your self-esteem and everything else with you thinking "what is so great about her? why does he want her over me? Am i not atractive to him anymore?" crazy things go on in my head. but what can I do? he is obviously choosing her over me. but how long will that last?? You can have online discussions with one of the coaches on here and it's free. They have given me great advice and I'm trying to take it and listen. Nothing has changed in my situation. But like I said in my other sitch..I saw H the other day on the road and he waved. Made me mad b/c I thought "why should I wave back to you? we're not buddies?" Then I thought maybe I should...if there is any chance of reconcilation. So how are you dealing with your H with another woman?? I mean it's one thing to be assuming your H's with someoen else, but it's another one to actually KNOW it. How do you cope? Do you think it's just a fling? Has your H filed yet? Thanks for replying..it's good to hear from someone who cares.
My H told me 2 1/2 years ago that he did not want to be married anymore. Then he proceeded to talk about things we would do when I finished college and got a job. Then a few weeks later, he would tell me he was moving as soon as I got a job. This went on for a year and a half. When I got a job, I told him it was time for him to leave. That was thirteen months ago. He filed at the end of January. Then began to come around in July until he started dating OW. After that he submitted a property settlement offer. It had been a month past our six month waiting period. I still want him back but have cut off all contact that is not regarding our sons or something that I can't avoid. He contacted me by email today but at our son's football game, he didn't even look my direction or stay to talk to our son. The OW wasn't there tonight so I am sure he had to hurry to catch up with her. She has become more important than his sons. I wish I could just forget he exists and move on.
Sometimes I don't cope very well with him seeing OW but I have been seeing a therpist and I am waiting to get a referral to a solution focused therapist. I stay really busy with my job and my sons' football games. I will be fine but it will never be the same without my H.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Hi Laurie, I have done well remaining dark and not contacting H or seeing him at all. I saw him on the road a few weeks ago and he waved, but I ignored him. Not sure if that was what I should have done or not. October is here now and I have two weeks before mediation is coming up. Getting nervous since this will be the first time I will have seen him since July. Wanted to ask you ....I wrote a letter to my inlaws that I wasn't mad at them and my opinion on the divorce. It wasn't a mean letter, but something that I felt needed to be done to express how I felt to them. I told them I was working on forgiving my H and did not hate him or them. Do you think I should send this letter or not? I don't won't it to look like I'm still trying to pursue him and I didn't know if I should wait to send the letter after our mediation date on Oct. 16th or not send it at all. What do you think? I don't won't to mess up my LRT that I've done so well with. Thanks for your help!!
