Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again W Never Left, But This Is Tough!

dwh

Sure. Been meaning to do this for a few days now, just been busy. Will hit the high points, then follow-up with some reflection.

However, I must interject, that there are some amazing 100% true details to our story that I believe are part of God's working in our lives. I've written this story in an email and am willing to share it with other Christians or anyone who's interested in that sort of thing. If anyone's interested, they can email me at tough_lvr@yahoo.com and I'll send the story (and only the story!).

-We're 3 months post-bomb and NC.

-In July, we were seeing MC weekly, now we're down to once/month. He helped more at the beginning...now he's more of a coach/cheerleader. My W and I both think we're at the stage where we're both doing all we can do, we're seeing progress, and don't need as much guidance from MC, but we still like to check in once/month to make sure we're on the right track, and to get ideas and some objective responses to what we think & do.

-We're both Christians and recommitted ourselves to seeking God's will and strength in our lives and our marriage.

-We pray together every morning (since July)...for ourselves, our marriage, our children, our family/friends, community and church. Sadly, we rarely did this before. I've never prayed every day WITH someone else. Neither has she, so in a sense this is very new...which in addition to being a tremendous channel of God's power and love, is sort of helping us chart a new course for our lives.

-We talk a lot, but try to keep R talks to a minimum. Mainly recreational stuff, spiritual growth, kids, family & friends.

-Looking back, I realized that I had sort of already starting DB'ing unintentionally before the bomb dropped. The bomb and finding this site (and reading DR) helped me detach and focus more on GAL/PMA stuff in July/August.

-Since August, my W has discovered Dr. Harley's Love Bank concept (which she likes, though thinks the terminology is a little corny) about meeting EN's and understanding that the "in love" stuff is mainly a decision to be open to that rather than a "cosmic, mysterious uniting of soul-mates who were always meant to be together" sort of nonsense/magical thinking. That's helping her (I think) break her addiction to the OM and understanding that we can have all that again ourselves.

-I made the decision a few weeks ago to simply be the husband I want the chance to be (acting "as if"), regardless of what I'm getting from her. I don't pursue her much, but we sort of negotiate to meet each others needs as best we can right now, and accept that as "good enough" for now.

-Based on some of the things Harley says (going with that alot cause it makes a lot of sense to W), we're really focusing on recreational companionship, undivided attention, and conversation right now. We're working on yard projects together, furniture projects together, playing tennis, etc. Just making sure that most of our recreational time is spent with each other.

-W says, "let's focus on what we know we can do right now, do the best we can, and assume the rest will grow and be there in time." I can't really argue with that!

-On the slightly down side, W says she's still not emotionally connected/attracted, but she's gone from not really caring too much about my feelings to wanting to do nice things for me, which she sees as major progress, since in the past that had been non-existant for a long time, and was just faked if it was there.

-We ML 3-4 times/week although it's mainly a physical thing for her, done (her words) as an act of love to meet my needs and try and heal the marriage. I've typically been a little uncomfortable about this, as I've never just wanted sex to have a physical release. However, our MC says it's a good idea if she's willing and able to, and I don't make too big a deal about it, and if I can handle it without getting upset at what's missing. Just take it for what it is and let it grow.

-I tend to be very analytical and a typical alpha "Fixer" to the nth degree. I have purposely cut this out, and do a lot of listening, nodding, agreeing, validating. A big change in me from pre-marriage to post-marriage was that pre-marriage I was pretty easy-going and laid back. Because of our increasing problems, I got very stressed out and critical. With God's help I've managed to approach life with a stillness and quiet strength that I don't believe I could have without my faith.

-My W typically is pretty reasonable and didn't rant and rave on me. Did blame me for a lot that wasn't just my fault, but I fell on my sword a lot in the beginning of this process. Admitted (honestly) how big of a jackass I was for most of our marriage, took responsiblity for my failures, named each one, and asked for her forgiveness.

To sum that up, she and I were talking the other day after church about how "if/when we get on the other side of this thing", we'd like to help other couples who find themselves in our sitch, or help them avoid it to begin with. We both agreed we'd like to do that, but that we still have a long way to go ourselves.

I hugged her and she said, "I think we're gonna make it."

Now, I'd have rather heard, "I love you," but "I think we're gonna make it" wasn't bad either.

It's really important, I've found, to understand how long this takes. I have to take stuff like that for what it is, appreciate it for a second, but then move on and don't assume we're farther along than we are.

I think that if/when she can finally look me in the eyes, tell me she loves me, and initiate a little affection, we'll be at the point in our journey where most of this is truly behind us.

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regardless of what I'm getting from her. I don't pursue her much

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I read your post and I see so many good things going on w/you both (praying together, doing things together) it gives me some hope. She seems to be opening bit by bit.

I wish I could have your same strenght about not pursuing, it is so hard since we only see each other Fri night, Sat and Sun due to his training. I want so much to ML w/him every chance (which are few w/2kids) and I also know his mind isn't on sex right now. He does ML back, he initiates some times but not at the rate I'd wish, it's mostly me.
I'm thinking of cutting back a bit, I always expect and initiate on Fri night, he's said before he is very tired from the whole week (which never stoped him before). I already told him I'd settle for cuddling if he is too tired, so I'll try that tonight, just cuddle and if he doesnt' go anywhere I must work VERY hard at not being dissapointed.

Wish we had more time to do things together, with kids and 2 days it is hard. We did talk during C about how his new job/training is very draining on him and pretty much drew him out of depression, this might be the best job he might ever get (if he fails the training he is out, very stressful). I know he isnt' purposefully putting "us" aside, he is trying to get this done.

I hope I can survive, training might last 'til March!

Sorry for the hijack! but I'm honestly happy for all your progress, I hope I'm on that stage in a few more months

Hijack away, cat. No prob!

Well, we sort of looked at it and decided the following:

--sex gets in the way and can make things seem worse than they are, and it's better to have it (since we are married after all) so it doesn't add any pressure and with the attitude that it could be a way for God to bless us and bring us closer

--we don't need any new baggage in addition to what got us to this point, and since she believes in doing her part, sex is necessary to help save our marriage, (remember the Seinfeld episode ), and is part of "acting as if" (luckily for me)

So, we decided that since we're not at a point where she can get caught up in the moment, we would just go ahead and decide to ML on Tues, Thurs, and Sundays (cause she's in an especially good mood on Sundays), and a little extra fooling around on Saturday mornings as the mood strikes.

That way we keep it as part of our "recreational companionship" so to speak, but take away the anxiety over feelings, responding the right way, etc.

We're hoping that over time spontaneity will take over. In the meantime, basic needs are met.

Hey, it ain't ideal, I know, but we're doing so well in all the other areas (kids, church, home, projects, etc.), we didn't want to create a black hole in this one.

I'm glad to read of your progress, and I would like to institute so much of this in my own life. May work on approaching H on these things, with your logic as a backup argument. Thank you for sharing these ideas and the reasoning behind them!

Thanks! I have to say that much of this is due to my W's efforts and her attitude about her commitment. Much of it was her idea and supported by our MC.

It's almost like God is rebuilding our character as individuals, and almost like this distance between us personally is necessary so that if/when we truly reconnect, it will be as two individuals whose commitment to God comes first. That's my hope, and it helps in taking the edge off, but I wasn't able to see it that way until I reached a certain level/consistency of detachment and willingness to go on without her if need be. I've also begun to see my W in a new way in the light of our faith. Hard to explain/describe.

I don't mean to make it sound as "rosy" as I do. It's still real tough, but time, prayer, and her cooperation have made it more bearable. I still have bad moments which I largely keep to myself, pray about, and talk with MC about (alone). I still sometimes "see" her and OM together and get sick to my stomach. I sometimes recall (vividly) the extent of her lies and deception. But I'm learning how to let that go and trust God...not that he'll give me my W back, but that His will will indeed be done...that I'm doing my part and He'll bless that and do his part, whatever that is, and that it will be just what I need.

And I do realize that close, intimate, reconnection won't occur because she feels guilt, pity, or shame, won't be because she "snaps out of it."

Well, for all my "big talk," I sometimes just don't know if this is worth it or if I can even do it.

Things were going well today...church, sunday school, the usual routine. Then my W and I start talking about going to my son's out of town football game on Monday...except when my W brings it up, instead of mentioning the town the game is in ("what time do we have to leave for <town> tomorrow?"), my W mentions the town that OM lived in...the names are very similar.

I didn't lose it or anything, but man did I zone out (in?). Just couldn't look at her, couldn't talk. Just seized up before I could even think about it, when just seconds earlier everything was chatty and light.

I tried to mask it but she could tell...ended up apologizing a few minutes later before taking the kids to the store:

W: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. They just both sound the same, it just came out."

Me: I know, don't worry about it.

W: Really, I didn't mean anything by it.

Me: Don't worry about it, really. Be careful driving.

She hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and left.

Least I didn't cry or anything. Still feels like I been kicked in the gut by a mule.

Oh well...it's only been three months...maybe it gets easier.

I am going to print out your posts and discuss them in MC this week to see if our C thinks this is a good idea for us as well. (I am really hoping she helps promote the ML 3x/week b/c I am desperate for it - haha! )

Oh, TL, I just read your last post after I put my silly one up. Ouch. My H has never 'slipped' like that, but I'm sure I would feel sucker-punched if he did/ever does.

3 months is so soon; of course it will get easier. Slooooooowly. It's been just under 9 months since the A ended at my house, and some days it's so close behind me, still, b/c we are nowhere near where we want our M to be. sigh.

Hang on, friend. The Lord your God is with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9)

Thanks, b_i43.

I'd be interested to hear what your MC has to say. Ours is supportive of us formulating our own game plan so long as we're both comfortable with it.

As far as the "incident" goes...I took a good long run after I posted here. I've found if I can get out and do that, a good attitude follows cause I'm too tired to be upset, I feel good after I finish feeling tired, and I pray a lot while I run, and God answers prayer.

I *sigh* apologized to my W for letting that bum me out even though I didn't mean to do it in a manipulative way. She apologized as well. Things still felt funny though.

We went up to church to take our son to youth group and to attend a meeting. Got there early, so we sat and talked a bit. She said she would give anything for the mood between us to be restored to how good it was before the "slip".

I was about to say, "Yeah, me too" when I realized I *could* restore it. So we just sort of decided together it wasn't a problem anymore, and it wasn't.

So we trucked on. Attended our meeting. Interestingly enough, it was for parents of kids in the youth group to tell us about a program they were starting where they'd be discussing things like promiscuity, std's, moral boundaries, etc.

We went home, had a good night, had our "date", hit the sack.

Tell you what, for all the valleys and peaks, what I wouldn't give right now for a nice, long, loving plateau!

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Still feels like I been kicked in the gut by a mule.
Oh well...it's only been three months...maybe it gets easier.

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I'm also getting kicked here a bit, the problem is I am the one teasing the mule so it can kick me, evoquing stuff I know about H and the PA.
Then common sense kicks in and reminds me that H was in path on his own at the time, that he didn't have all his marbles and that he was trying to cure his misery, not looking for a soul mate like when he was w/me.

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She said she would give anything for the mood between us to be restored to how good it was before the "slip".

I was about to say, "Yeah, me too" when I realized I *could* restore it.

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My H also mentioned yesterday how we keep having arguments (your slip ups). I think we all need to remember we WILL have plenty of those, my H needs to understand that they are bound to happen and not see them as a sign of failure in us. You guys also don't hold your breaths, there will be other incidents, and it is how we handle them that make a difference, not how many times we mess up.

Glad you realized you had the power to put the issue behind you, it's also been 3mts for me since I uncovered the A, so I think all things considered you and I are doing just fine