__________________________________________________________ Instead of making him feel like garbage and hate both me and himself, I want to be his friend. I want him to trust me and be able to tell me anything. If I freak out he can't do this. He'll just close up and there will be all this garbage between us.
So I'm hoping in time eventually we can tackle this stuff, but for now I just want to build our friendship and our family (and myself!). Just like in DBing during separation or divorce, everything is baby steps. I think it takes A LOT of time and enormous patience. ____________________________________________________________
Thanks running,
I have been thinking about your reply and how it fits my sitch so much. I also dont want to create garbage and keep him from being able to open up his feelings to me, but trying to balance how are we supposed to heal from the lies, the A, the distrust, if the silence is for their comfort and somehow enabling them to just erase it by not talking about it? I hope you see some communication between your H and yourself slowly evolving in the future, but I am going on my H's past of being a total nontalker on his feelings and I am working on keeping myself strong and at the same time giving him time to also trust me with some of his.
Yes, lots of time and patience. I feel the silence from H is keeping a wall between us, and I am afraid to let my defense down ( always watching for possible signs of OW involvement)myself never wanting to be in that place again of lies and hurt. The wall is down lower most days now since H home, but sure pops up at the strangest times in my case!
I still believe my H in contact with the OW, via #phone and email, but not PA. I have H's email password, but have forced myself not to go on in over a month. I think I have many reasons for not snooping, or reasons I am not sure of that others may also have felt.
Do I want to read the truth that there is more involved? or by not reading I can deny nothing else is going on?
Will snooping and seeing evidence of continued EA cause our rebuilding to backslide because I won't be able to keep it to myself?
I constantly go back and forth thinking: can an EA ( that involved a previous long term PA ) slowly fade with time? Can I be patient by not demanding an end to all contact?
Or is my allowing him to be silent and not mentioning the continuing EA enabling it to continue?
I probably can answer some of my own ambivalence by realizing I cannot control H's feelings and wish H would see for himself any continued EA with OW is dangerous for our M.
But my PMA will never have room for H"s continued EA with her!!!! If he knew I really meant it would it matter??????? Don't think they will ever get it, so for now back on the boards, workin on those baby steps. (((((((((((thanks))))))))
