Congrats, so glad she has decided to stay. You sound understanding right now and that is good. She will be grieving this loss in her life. All the fantasies about the OP etc are being stripped from her now. have compassion and don't expect too much too soon. Just be the best friend and H you can be right now. Keep us posted.
Well separated with the wife tonight...she has until Nov 1st to get out of our house. She is likely taking S3 with her. Very unhappy. OM and her nightlife single life is much more important than our family. Some part of me is glad it is done. Though I am very devastated tonight. She has basically been a WAW all this time...she gave up on us a long time ago and I don't think there was anything in the near term I could do to change that. I refused to live with her while she ran wild...I could not handle it. I was never going to get my own life with her that close and doing as she pleased. Drove me too nuts. So now she is moving out. Now she can experience the real world and make her own decisions.
It will take a little time but I will be alright. Maybe it is better for me longterm though I don't see it right now. I will miss having every day contact with S3 the most. Very angry right now...drowning my sorrows...but I kind of knew it would lead to this when I made the ultimatum. I do not regret that decision. Now I can get on with my life. Now I can truly go about getting my own life again...I have no other choice.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
I know you feel lower than low right now, it sucks.
but starting Nov 1st. you will be on more stable ground. its amazing how much energy they can suck out of the family with thier daily drama and insane bullshit.
you can more easily focus on what needs to be done without walking on eggshells
this is just a small scene in the film called " your life"
Quote: this is just a small scene in the film called " your life"
I LOVE this line, helps to put it in perspective when we need it (which for me, is a LOT). Just be the best daddy you can be, and the rest will fall into place as it should. I'm so sorry for your pain
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
This morning she talked to me for like a half hour...I just listened...told me how much she loves me and does want to stay and work on us. Wants to stay together for our son...and that she does love me and can't bare leaving.
She is afraid. She does not know if she is strong enough to break it off with OM. I guess she did once early in their relationship when OM went back to an old flame. Does not know if she can get through it again.
So now once again I do not know where I am at? She blew right through my ultimatum...do I force her out now? I don't really want to do that if she is willing to work on us but for now I am sticking with Nov 1st and still plan on her moving out unless she really make a strong commitment to get off the path she is taking.
It is very hard...I hate staying in this situation where everything is unknown. At this point I am just providing 95% support...probably hurt and angry 5% of the time. I am resolute that the A must end and that I will not accept the situation. Making an effort to get on with my life but am finding that hard as the W does want to spend a lot of time together and we are getting along very well right now when the problems are on the back burner...I very much enjoy this time and think it does have positive effects on our relationship and her desire to stay so I don't think I should give that up yet. Plus I am valuing spending any time I can with my son. Today I had planned to take my son to Kiddie Land...just me and him...wife was like...I am not invited?...well I had kind of planned it last night when I thought we were separating so no I had not planned on her being included...she was in tears saying she wants to go with...uggg. I suppose if she does end up leaving that is when I will detach more. Day to day again...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
My plan now is to start detaching. It is so hard because I do love my wife very much. I want to be around her...I want to hold her...but I can't take it much more. She is leaving Nov 1st whether she likes it or not. I refuse to stay in this situation. Wife still wants us to stay together but also wants OM in her life...I am not doing this. Yesterday she came to me and said she does not think she will be ready to leave Nov 1st...she may need a couple months...I almost lost it...I told her absolutely no way...I refuse to live in this situation for that long...Nov 1st is pushing it for me...I can afford to move her out now without her working and I am willing to do that just to get some space. Will not work for me. She better start getting busier and find herself a job and apartment. Reality needs to start setting in. It really isn't yet...she still spends far too much time sulking or sitting on the computer.
I need to withhold affection...I guess if she wants some she can come to me but I am going to stop coming to her. I don't think she understands how close she is to losing me for good. I am so tired of the situation. That was the point of setting a date...to get it decided but she absolutely refuses to decide. I told her we are now separated...but it is very hard when she comes to me and tells me she loves me and does not want to risk losing me...the only thing I can tell her now is that is fine...stop doing what you are doing. I need to think of myself right now...I feel like I am too supportive of her.
We watched a Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus video together last night. Was kind of nice...obviously a lot made sense. Did not seem very helpful in our current situation...until we are out of the insanity can't really do much working on making a better marriage.
The sad thing is at this point I think I am more afraid she is going to decide to stay. I don't know if I can ever trust her again. It is going to take a lot of time for me to feel whole and good about us again. I love her dearly but this has really shaken me.
The plan for this week is to get my son in day care. Wife is thinking about flying to spend a week with an old family friend so she can remove herself from the situation and maybe think clearly. Maybe start detaching from OM. Give me some space. *Hopefully* make some decisions.
One day at a time...need to keep reminding myself...my goal this week is to be calm...withdrawn...not an emotional wreck.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Another thing I plan on doing this week is going to individual counseling. I think it will be helpful to talk to someone impartial. Friends are no good...they all basically tell me to just kick her out. Have not involved my family yet as I do not want them to cause trouble.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Ok read a lot this morning and got a lot of good advice from others situations. Feels like it has provided me some needed strength.
My current plan is to REALLY work on detaching. End relationship talk. Even though we are living in the same house we are separated...she blew past my ultimatum and thinks she has not made a decision...but the ultimatum was just that and by ignoring it the decision has been made. I need to accept that. If she does want to come back and recommit to the relationship before she moves out I will accept that but I am not going to beg for it and she must be willing to 100% give up what she is doing.
Start just focusing on me and my son. I am done playing games with her. I know I will be alright without her and she needs to see it for herself. I am not going to cave on the A...if that is what she wants she is out of the house on Nov 1st. I refuse to find that acceptable and will not live in the situation.
Now the hard part of no more ILY...no more affection...no more talking about the relationship...shutdown my IM. While it feels kind of wrong...I am not too stupid to realize the route of always talking...being available is not working...time to try something different and really stick to it this time. She needs to miss me and stop seeing me as the cause of all the problems. It is going to be hard...hopefully going to counseling on my own will help keep me strong.
Wish me luck...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
You got it. Good luck! It's hard to know what is best in these kind of situations. Lord knows we're all playing in a game that we never wanted to be in and we don't even have a copy of the rule book! If you feel what you are doing is the right thing, then that's what you do. Keep us posted.
I was doing so good detaching yesterday until the evening. Wife came to me crying saying she does not want to leave...she loves me...she does not want to break up our family...she wants to end the A...but she does not know how...she does not feel she is strong enough...she does not feel like she can stop talking to him. She feels she has failed and taken the easy way out her entire life. She does not know any other way. She feels she has failed at everything she has tried her entire life. Did not really know what to tell her...just listened and told her it is her decision and noone elses...only she can make it happen if that is what she wants. If she feels she has always failed why not start succeeding now...change her life...start being a success.
Puts me in such an impossible position...I love hearing she wants to stay and that she does love me...makes it very hard for me to pull away...maybe I should as it will make her realize she is going to lose me...I don't think she quite fathoms that yet...whenever I talk about that I will miss her and it will be sad not sharing my love with her it gets her very upset and she says she does not even want to think about that...it so makes me want to scream at her, WAKE UP...STOP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING...YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE YOUR FAMILY! YOU WILL LOSE ME! YOU BETTER START THINKING ABOUT THAT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!, obviously I don't...I just tell her she needs to do what she feels she needs to do...she is making the decisions.
She said she would like to go to individual counseling asap...so I will make that happen. Maybe that will help?
Anyone have any advice on how to end an affair...I have basically tried to tell her the only thing she can do is cut it off cold turkey...no IMs, texts, secret meetings, emails, phone calls, etc...just stop it and suffer and after some time it will get easier and you will feel better. It is so like a bad drug addiction...she can't help herself. At least with drugs you can go to rehab...I wish there was like a residential treatment center for affair addiction. Maybe there is something like that??? Will have to ask my counselor at my next appt. Maybe some in house mental health treatment or something?
Still in limbo...taking it a day at a time...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
