Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My Story - Looking for help and support

no bout adoubt it...

struggles struggles struggles...have been really dumping on the wife this week...she is still in Florida partying...I really need to detach...finding it hard...I really am sabotaging anything we have left...I need to stop. Need to stop the relationship emails and talks. Again I am going to make a real effort to stop the nonsense...I really need to pull myself out of PI mode...that seems to be my big downfall these days...when I find out details of what is going on it sends me spinning.

Oh well...one day at a time...

Depressing...it is amazing how they can rewrite history. According to her we have not been in love for three years yet I look through my saved email and find countless love letters to each other in the past three years. Very loving letters...of course they pretty much stopped in February when the A began...but the A is not the problem...yeah right...makes me sick.

Breaks me up reading them...I should not put myself through this...


You'll never understand why I hurt so much because you're not the one who is crying, you're not the one who is left behind, you're not the one who loved too much, and you're not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone...

I'm with you, SRT. If you swallow all their sh!t you'll feel like the worst H that ever lived. My friends and family can't believe the amount of support I have given to my W over the years and her major complaint is the lack of support I've given! Whew, but I can't give something that is completely unreasonable only a fantasy R can provide that kind of nonsense. They stop confiding in you and then call you uncaring etc. My W says our R was over 3 years ago too, I guess she just forgot to mention it at the time Oh well,that's enough bellyaching, there's a world out there to be won (or maybe I'll just try to get through today!). One day at a time is all we can do, SRT.

SRT-

I just wanted to say that I've read your thread and really sympathize with you. I've noticed that you contributed to my thread too, and I appreciate it.

I have a similar feeling to what you describe.

When I look over what my wife has written me and think about the things she's said, it amazes me that she can say that she was thinking about leaving me all the while.

Perhaps we're split creatures inherently. When this kind of thing comes up, it certainly looks that way.

It's as if one part of them loves you, but the other (or others) are yanking away.

Well had a huge blow up with the W yesterday after I emailed the OM some expletives...I know stupid thing to do but a few things set me off and I was out of control. No threats or anything...just a little name calling. He of course immediately called the W and she was P-ed off...we said more than a few words to each other...she is very protective of OM and does not want him blamed at all...

While it was certainly a very negative day...I think it ended up being positive for me in the end...I got a lot of emotions out and I just feel like I am finally done. Slept like a baby last night for the first time in a month. I realize I can't hold on any longer and need to stop sabotaging the relationship and just let it go...it is the best for S3 that I stop caring about what the W does and just let her go on with her life and hopefully it will allow us to remain friends and be good parents. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced but I finally feel like it is over and I can really detach myself from the situation. I wrote her a 4 page email apologizing and just trying to map out a future for us. She read it today and emailed me back saying she was very thankful for the email and agreed with everything but was a little leary that my evil twin would return. Very understandable...now I just need to execute the plan and move on.

Our marriage is over...I do not want her back...too much damage is done...I could never see her the same way again. This is what I need to understand...it is done and it is stupid to hold and continue to make things stressful and hurtful.

It is going to take me a lot of time to heal still but I hope I am finally on that path. Going to be depressed for a long time...hopefully I can control my emotions around her and suffer in my own private hell. On to the next chapter in my life...thanks for all the support from people who have posted...and do better in your situations! I feel like I failed on a lot of levels and maybe I should have been able to save this but in the end I am just glad it is over.

Hey, I've been reading your thread, and yeah, I agree with you, you do need to stop it. And relax.

I am writing because I was your wife (in her position) four or five years ago. We have three kids, and we were basically kids when we got married. My husband and I did not always handle our situation well. We often made it worse for ourselves. After he discovered my affair, I did not have the strength to end it. After all the anger, the ultimatums, his attempts to stay in control, my husband began to have affairs too. This went on for a year or so. I am not saying this was right, but we both endured a period of settling for less (less than we deserved in our marriage relationship) because it beat the alternative: separation and divorce.

Still, in all of that chaos(and it was worse than chaos), what kept us together was the fact that we both really did mean it when we took our vows, even if we weren't acting like it. We both still felt like we made the right decision in getting married. We both genuinely wanted our marriage to work. Neither of us really wanted the ugliness we were creating for ourselves, but we found ourselves stuck in it for awhile. Without that desire (to stay married), it would never have standed a chance.

In the past five years we've seen five different counselors! The absolute worst was an addiction counselor who prescribed tough love and treated me like some sort of monster. It was so bad, even my husband couldn't stand it. We finally ended up with a woman in her sixties who has much wisdom and life experience. It helps when your counselor has a firm grasp on reality, on why these things happen. We have been seeing this counselor for the past three years. We still go, although our lives have settled, and we are happy. It can take years to sort it all out. That is the bad news. Right now you are feeling like you can not deal with it, and maybe working it out is not an option for you. I am only writing to tell you that it can be done. Detachment is easier said than done. If your wife can not detach from OM, then I would advise her to try to be friends at a distance with him (almost everyone will tell you this is a bad idea). But maybe then she can begin to see his faults and come to her senses. It may take some time, but if he begins to get frustrated with her, it will cause her problems that she probably has not bargained for. She will begin to see that grass is not greener over there. Whatever OM is bringing to her life, she needs to learn to do that for herself. That can take some time.

But then, if your marriage is over, it's over. I just wanted to offer you a different perspective and let you know that in some situations, the pat answers and formulas don't work well. Take care of your self.

Little update on my situation...Well while the wife was in Florida I was really beginning to detach. It was nice not having to see her. She actually snuck back early to spend a couple days with OM...but I did not even care because I felt like I wanted her gone so I do not care what she does. Problem...I go to pick her up Saturday with my new attitude of I don't care...live your life...we will both go on...I mentioned we should start thinking about a divorce...well this upset her...she does not want a divorce...she wants me to wait for her on the back burner while she figures things out...she just wants to move out and then she thinks she will fall in love with me again. She wants to date me...she wants to keep her hooks in me. She does not care if I date other women(at least she says that but I think she will care)...just does not want me to fall in love.

It is ridiculous...I don't know what to do. The problem is we spend a nice Saturday and Sunday together and she is very loving and feeds me what I desire and I start falling in love with her again. I am finding it impossible to detach...she plays me like a musical instrument. I can't help but feed her affection back. Maybe it will be easier when she moves out. Part of me still desires her strongly and loves her...but another part of me is so disgusted by what she is doing and I feel I could never trust her again. Don't know what to do...all of the people that I talk to about the situation tell me to divorce her...leave her...forget about her...push her to the curb...this includes friends and the marriage counselor I have been seeing alone. Just very hard because I do still love her and she is very good at playing this game with me...I think at some point if I start dating other women maybe it will break her grip on me...when I start realizing there are other fish in the sea. So the saga goes on...detach detach detach is my new mantra...

It IS ridiculous, but a lot of life is ridiculous! If we can't laugh, we'll go insane.

Well, given your situation, why NOT date other women, even if it is just as friends? You know, even if you are over the partying stage of your life, you could still enjoy yourself. It would probably help you, and it could make your wife wake up. Let her watch her son for an evening. I know I did not like it when my husband dated other women...because single women generally want a husband! It felt threatening to me, and it did help speed our recovery. I did begin to realize that I could lose him. I began to feel the same pain that I had caused him. I needed that (even though I already felt guilty). I had to learn the hard way

You know best what is in your heart, and what other people say do not matter as much as that. At the same time, you probably need to take care of your self, make sure you are happy with you.

You know, when I had the affair, I think part of it was that I felt angry. I did not have the affair because of the anger, but I know I was angry. I did not feel heard or that I mattered as much as my husband did in our marriage. The affair did not help, but it seemed like so much the answer at the time- I was delusional. There are so many issues to work out. I think that both of you going to counseling with the right counselor at the same time is very important.

And it is amazing that when my husband and I began to work on really hearing each other and listening and caring, the trust began to return. The insecurities faded, too. It takes help and time and a lot of work though. You both have to want it.

Also, it is still sometimes tough for me because my husband got a hell of a lot of sympathy when I had the affair. I got almost no support. I found out who my friends were. People judge and judge and judge. Realize that this is not easy for your wife right now either, especially if your family knows about it too. Your wife is probably terrified of losing the support she is getting from the OM. The condemnation (plus my guilt) really made me want to leave at one point. What's the use of being a better person if you're already condemned?

Patience and peace to you.

Well up until this point we have kept the affair a secret to our families. I know that they will condemn her if they find out so even when we separate we are not going to tell them that reason...at least at first. I would like her to stay part of our lives and not have an adversarial relationship for our sons sake.

I think dating other women will be a big help...I am not ready yet...but sometime in the future. lol...I know I said in an earlier post i was out of the partying stage in my life...that is not 100% true...I can still hang with the best of them when the mood strikes. I know it will probably bother the wife to no end if I start seeing someone else...just not ready yet...in time I am sure I will be ready.

Thanks for your posts...it does help when you know people are reading about your sitution and providing input. It gives me hope that you were able to survive similar difficulties...congrats on your success.