Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My Story - Looking for help and support

To be honest I have pretty much had it. We are supposed to relationship talk/decide on Thursday evening...and I do not think she will like what I have to say. She really wants to be single and I think I want her to be too...I don't think I can ever trust her again. I think her plan
is to lie and lie some more on Thursday and try to put the A back in hiding...so she can stay in this comfortable position. I feel she really does not want to work on the marriage she just wants to go back in the mode of "faking it" at home and lead her single life on the side. Part of me wants to get angry and just let her know everything I know and throw all of her lies in her face...the problem is I do not want to get too nasty because I want to keep my son here with me. I am so tired of being the door mat and walking on egg shells around her. She is taking advantage of me at this point seeing how far she can push things.

I know she still is undecided about what to do and she sees her choices as being unhappy staying with me or going out in the real world and being single happy go lucky. Unhappy staying with me scares me because I feel like 6 months from now...1 year from now...etc...we are back in the same position. May be best just to cut my ties now...try to get custody of my son...and move on with life while I am still young enough to start over. I will wish her all of the luck in the real world...part of me likes the idea of her likely regretting this all later...I think she is in for some surprises in the real world...she has grown quite accustomed to having things handed to her.

I have a lot to think about and decisions to make. I do still love her tremendously and that is the hardest part...but the more she Fs me over the easier it is getting to think about cutting her loose.

More talking today...IM all morning. She is so torn on what to do. When she is with OM and his friends she feels happy and care free...they all have big problems...alcoholics...family issues...drugs...financial issues...but they feel happy drowning their sorrows together. Misery loves company. That temporary relief from all of her problems draws her like a fly to sh!t.

She is afraid to leave me but feels like she failed in our marriage and she does not think she is strong enough if she stays not to stray again. She sees only unhappiness if we stay together. Has no confidence that we can ever work on our marriage and that she would ever be happy again. Says she no longer deserves to be married and that I do not desearve what she is putting me through.

Tears me up that I cannot seem to help her or solve her problems. I just listen and tell her I understand. She took this path and unfortunately it is masking her pain for now and she refuses to leave the path. What I wish I could convey to her is that this path leads nowhere but to more problems...substance abuse...health problems...abusive relationships...eventually it will get old and there will nothing or no one left that cares in the end and the same depression and self esteem issues will still be there along with many regrets and destruction in her path. Right now she is young and beautiful...as her beauty fades so will the attention...the alcohol, drugs, late nights, promiscuous sex, and hard living will hasten that change. It is a fantasy world.

Part of me so wants to give up and say "fine do it" and watch her go down this dead end...5-10 years from now I know I will be happy and I would guess she will have a pathetically bad life and be even more unhappy...the fantasy world will have collapsed. The problem is she is the mother of my child and I do love her and I want to protect her. I wish I could get her to just give it a chance and stop for awhile to take a few breaths and maybe get into individual counseling to start working on herself.

D day is Thursday evening...she must make a decision...I still feel it is right to force her to make a decision...I can't live in a relationship like this...she was out all night last night and I barely slept...

I either want her to commit or her to leave...I don't care which at this point. As long as she lets me keep my son I will not fight her decision...I refuse to subject my son to her new lifestyle. She is already dragging him around to rendevous in the middle of the night...it will only get worse once she has her own place and a group of degenerate friends coming in and out. I will not have my son in that atmosphere.

It's rough isn't it? I mean it's so clear that this A fits right in with all the other methods of escape you listed, but she won't see it. Maybe she does, but she doesn't feel she can do with out. This is where detachment is critical. You NEED to allow her to make mistakes she chooses to make. If you can accept that she is her own person with her own choices to make (yes, they impact you and your child), but they don't reflect on you, you will put the full burden of personal responsibility back on her shoulders. As long as you shoulder that burden for her, she's obsolved of it to a degree, she doesn't have to worry as much, because you've got it covered.

I think she needs to grow. She needs to mature, and this may take time, trial and error, etc. Hang in there, keep living your life and try and observe and acknowledge all the positive there is in her. Pain is a fact of life. It's always going to be present. She can choose to work through the pain and get to a place where she's done what she could to live up to her expectations for a wife. If she doesn't do this, she's going to always have that baggage to carry around with her, she'll constantly have something to escape. She needs to come to this on her own, and while you remain distant, working on bettering your life (of course with positive implications on her life, should she choose to continue it with you) she will have lots of time to think. It's important to remember that these affairs are not just about lust or love or similar feelings, but are results of deeper feelings and need to be happy. It's a misguided, temporary attempt at achieving this, it's better than where they were, in their heads, but it's not the solution. They are taking a big risk and hoping that it is the solution they've found. They work hard to make it so, but it can never be. They need to find this out for themselves, but in the mean time, you can work on finding the REAL answer to this question, and hopefully, once the recognition is there that the A isn't the answer, you'll be in a position to explore a better option with them.

I think you must do what we all must in our sitchs. If you plan to stay together you have to DETACH! Realize that this is a long, long journey and pack for the trip (bring lots of undies). If I recall this whole sitch has been pretty recent for you and I know in the beginning it feels like it is forever. Your feelings are so intense that they control you. You feel there is no possible way you can go on BUT you can. You will adjust to where this is at. You will GAL and learn that life goes on and that life isn't so darn bad. Yes, I understand where the ultimatum came from and why. Hell, there's a little part in me that's screaming "Go, baby, go!". That is not necessarily the good or smart part of me, though. Whether she stays or goes, it is not over unless you choose it to be. PLEASE give it some time, the pain lessens then comes back but lessens again. You can be the master here unless you call it quits. Hope I'm helping somehow.

It is basically a month today. Everything is still up in the air. Really I feel a lot calmer now that I am forcing the decision to be made. I just know myself...there is no way I was going to live in this situation as is...I could not turn my back on her going out at F-ing the other man whenever she pleased. This month has been hell and I could never see it getting easier...if anything it was going to get harder because every time she went to see him it was making me angrier. It was not going to stop on its own anytime soon...I have a feeling it would have went on for a year or longer.

If she leaves who knows eventually we may get back together...I would not write anything off. I still want to be close to her and friends as we have our son to think about. Maybe after she ran wild for a year or so she would be ready to come back but after that time I might not want her back...just don't know.

Tonight she wants to stay...but I know that will change a dozen times before Thursday.

Having a rough morning...so scared that my marriage is over and she is going to choose to move out. Even if she chooses to stay we have so much work in front of us. Tomorrow will be the big decision. I am going to be devastated if she chooses OM over me...at least she seems to be taking it seriously and I think she knows if she does choose to stay she has to really cut him out of her life. She is really struggling even more than me...because either choice she makes she is giving up a lot and she knows she will be in a great amount of pain.

She really does not want to make a choice...she told me yesterday I screwed up when I first found out about the affair and I was forcing her to stop seeing him that I should have continued to force her to stop...cause now she is even more attached to him...DOH! She kind of tricked me into letting her see more of him saying they would just be friends and she was so depressed and crying all of the time I gave in. I am kind of beating myself up about letting her take him back into her life...but then again I am not as I am sure she was still keeping in contact with him through email/IM and would have tried to secretly keep it alive. This time it does feel different because I am letting her make the choice and she does seem serious about making a choice and sticking with it. She is finally acknowledging that her real choice is between OM and Me...before she said OM was not really important and she just wanted her freedom...while she does want freedom the real pain in the decision is all about the OM.

I have been so non-DB this week I am not sure I am doing the right thing. We have relationship talked a lot...I have been pathetic at times...strong at other times. I have no idea which choice she is going to make...her mind changes every hour...I feel like I should make some grand gesture but at this point it would feel false and might push her away...I am just trying to be supportive and reassure her if she does choose to stay things can be different/better.

Kind of have doubts of what I am doing is right. I think she is probably going to choose to leave. This may be the best thing for both of us. I am having to hard a time living in the situation and it will probably be good for her to get away and get the freedom she desires. It will allow me to detach and GAL...and all of that...finding it impossible in the current situation. I cannot live in the same house with the A out in the open. I am feeling more at peace with it and my goal when she says it is not to break down but to just agree with her and be kind of business like about it...lol...this will be tough. I need to remain friendly with her so we can be the best parents we can...and if it comes to a D I want to avoid a messy D if possible.

Off to the "We're Seperated - what now?" board...soon I would guess.

You have good intentions. I think it's very important to recognize that we can only see the situation as it was and accept it for what it is today. We don't know what will come. Embrace that uncertainty. You may separate, you may not. It seems you are basing your internal actions on the way your sitch progresses. Be proactive, take action now. Make changes in yourself that you have been putting off or may be putting off contingent on separation. Detaching is good regardless of the situation. It's good that you have good intentions for one possible outcome. Make sure the quality of your intentions for the future is reflected in your actions today.

SRT, don't fall for the "if only you had..." stuff. It is complete nonsense to blame you for her immoral actions. You are not her keeper here. You were making decisions in a game that you didn't even know the rules to (and never wanted to play in the first place) and for her to dump responsibility on you is WRONG!
She's trying to offload her guilt, so don't buy in. What you did was out of love and a respect for your R, what she did was to destroy those things, end of story.

Well today is D day...last night she unhappily told me she is staying but the final decision is tonight and she may still change her mind. She does not want to stay. She told me "you win" like I should be proud of myself or something...she is very angry with me. Now comes the very hard part of trying to really win...to win her back into my life...to win back her feelings for me and for her to really want to stay in the marriage.

She is going to be very depressed for the next month...she told me if she does stay she just wants to be locked in her room and cry. This is going to be very hard but I realize if she does stay I need to back totally off and give her all of the space she needs. It is like now all of the hard work really begins. I am far from out of the woods...I feel like I am just journeying deeper into the unknown.