Quote: I'm hoping he'll come get them this weekend. I know he'll be out on the road a lot . . . but they deserve the life he can give them.
YOU HAVE LOST YOUR FRIGGIN MIND!!
HAD I READ THAT A MOMENT AGO I WOULD HAVE JUST RIPPED YOUR HEAD OFF.
Emily,
That man shouldn't even have custody of a damn dog much less your two precious daughters.
GET OFF YOUR PITY POT.
YEAH, SO THEIR DADDY'S AN ASS.
GROW THE HELL UP.
THEY ARE NOT KITTENS YOU CAN GIVE AWAY.
AND HOW THE HELL CAN YOU POSSIBLY THINK OF DOING THAT TO KIYA & FELINA AFTER THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE STRUGGLED WITH OVER BEING ADOPTED?? KIYA DOESN'T KNOW HER FATHER SO IT WOULD BE THE SAME THING. FELINA BARELY KNOWS HIM.
SHAME ON YOU.
I know these are hard times but you are just talking stupid crap now.
Do NOT act like it's not ripping my heart out. I know the way I feel. I certainly don't feel capable . . . They are better off anywhere but with me!
Quote: AND HOW THE HELL CAN YOU POSSIBLY THINK OF DOING THAT TO KIYA & FELINA AFTER THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE STRUGGLED WITH OVER BEING ADOPTED?? I UNDERSTAND why I was put up now. This has been an eye opening time in my life. I see the reasoning. I understand that my mother did what was best. My life with her would have been hell. I cannot provide anything for Kiya and Felina . . . KIYA DOESN'T KNOW HER FATHER SO IT WOULD BE THE SAME THING. FELINA BARELY KNOWS HIM. I know . . . but they would forget me. Felina's only two. . . she would grow to love another as her mother. If that happens to be Cassie . . so be it. They would know him. They would have a better life with him. Kiya would never know the difference. The change over would be a little tough on Felina . . . but it's the best I can offer her.
Quote: Emily, Please get professional help. You're not seeing things clearly. You're going down that swirling hole and trying to grab on to things that are not there. The only certain things in your life are your girls and you're letting them go. If you want to help yourslef and your girls that's what you have to do. Get to a psychiatrist - there should be one at your local county hospital. Look online.
Here is the PA Mental Health Agency: Office of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services P.O. Box 2675 Harrisburg, PA 17105-2675 Phone: 717-787-6443 Fax: 717-787-5394
They can help you find someone to see. You really need to do this. It's no use us trying to show you what's really going on, you wont see it. Please see someone. You're doing things you will regret tomorrow. This too shall pass.
I tried to talk to my doctor repeatedly. She seems to think that I am fine. They had me talk to someone in the office *but she's like student and is really just a sectary* She only made me feel worse. . . and so . . anyway my doctor for some reason would refer me to talk to anyone else. Stupid.
I know that this too shall pass. Honestly right now . . . Felina needs new cloths (her old ones are all getting too small) and I can't buy them *would if I could* I'm going to need diapers probably before I get my next "paycheck" . . . and I don't have any way of getting more except ask my mom and dad. Kevin was suppose to give me a little money this weekend. BUT I can't even get him on the phone . . . much less do anything else.
I understand what you all are saying. But don't you understand what I am saying? I just don't feel able to do thia any longer. As long as I had hope I could scrape by everyday. I've lost all hope. I am done screwing around with Kevin . . . and he's the only bright thing in my daughters future. Maybe someday I'll get to step back in after I am . . . well . . . better. But for right now . . . I am not the right place for this girls. I can't deal with EVERYTHING. I can't deal with Kiya being sick . . I can't stand going to her doctors appointment on the 27 and seeing the put a cathiter in her little body and run all those test. I can't stand the thought of finding out that my 2 month old has a kidney problem and having no one to turn to. I can't stand any of this anymore. It's too much. I've collasped and it's done.
I was 4-5 when my parents split, I was 'given' to my paternal grandparents. They really didn't want me either. My father was - a loser! He of course wanted the party life, being 22-23 years old. My mother was a year younger, having had me at 17.
I never saw her again after the divorce. She had apparently died sometime around when I was 17. I spent a lot of my life wondering if she would have liked me if she had been able to know me. I have no memory of her, but I still miss her.
I wondered my whole life how SHE must have felt, being forced to give me up. I thik she was devastated.
Emily, I know it's hard right now and you feel like you are lower than dirt. Everything seems bleak and like the sun won't rise tomorrow. I know you feel alone and scared.
I understand how you feel. When I was 20 I lived for several months in a rooming house in a small town, where the other 'renters' were basically drunk old guys living of their social security and they loved to yell half the night, or leave their hotplates on and almost cause fires.
But, it was all I could afford. I had tried to go to college but I exhausted my meager funds. I needed to take some time to regroup, try to save money. I had no family to turn to so this was my fate.
When I moved in, the bathroom sink was black with filth. Nobody had cleaned the toilet in years.
I felt pretty scared and worthless.
So, I cleaned the bathroom. I ate a lot of peanut butter sandwiches. I worked the night shift at McDonalds. Me, a brilliant technological genius, even at 20, but with no self esteem. It seemed pretty dark then.
But I had two guardian angels who always pick me up when I fall down. Because of them, I'm always OK. Always. For all the ups and downs in my life, I have eventually come out of the bad times better than I went into them. Even now. Because of them.
I'm lending them to you for a while. They'll pick you up when you fall, and they don't need to be fed, being angels and all. They should be there any minute. You'll know when they are, you can feel it.
Emily, you're are one of my heros. I wish my mom was half the woman you are, so I could have been with her growing up. She wasn't though. She abandoned me and ran away. And I know it hurt her as much as it hurt me.
Your children are SO lucky, that even after all the crap life has thrown at you - you are there for them. The love is overflowing and they receive such a wonderful gift from you every day. They know that nobody will ever love them like you do.
I know you aren't going to take that away from them.
It's time to stand up and dust yourself off. Do ANYTHING that has to be done to get financial and spiritual help. Call Social Services. Go to your local church. Use the resources of other people on this board to help you navigate through the system. It was created for just this kind of situation.
Amy knows the system and I'm sure others can help too. There has to be other moms on this board that have found themselves in tough financial situations like this and figured out how to get through it.
Most of all, when your kids go to sleep tonight take the time to look in on them, and watch them sleep. See the peacefulness thay have because you are ever vigilant, ever watchful, ever nurturing. Nothing bad will happen to them on your watch.
And remember to rely on the guardian angels I sent you to help you up when you don't feel like standing up. They will never let you down. I promise.
OK, So let's make a list. What do you need right away. 1. Diapers 2. Clothes for Felina. 3. Someone to help you go to the doctor's visit. 4. A second opinion from a psychiatrist
What else can you put on there?
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
Quote: Do NOT act like it's not ripping my heart out. I know the way I feel. I certainly don't feel capable . . . They are better off anywhere but with me!
Do you really think they are better off without you? You need to stop being so selfish. Those girls have a "home" with you. Right now it might not be the home you wanted to give them but it is something. You can give them love.
AND HOW THE HELL CAN YOU POSSIBLY THINK OF DOING THAT TO KIYA & FELINA AFTER THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE STRUGGLED WITH OVER BEING ADOPTED?? I UNDERSTAND why I was put up now. This has been an eye opening time in my life. open them a little wider!!!! I see the reasoning. I understand that my mother did what was best. My life with her would have been hell. I cannot provide anything for Kiya and Felina . . . The only way Kiya and Felina would have a bad life is if you don't stop all of this and be a mom. You can provide things for them. You put food on the table and they have a roof over their head. Once you get child support you will be able to do more. Kids don't need material things if they have love. Give them your love and your time. That is a heck of a lot more your H could offer them. KIYA DOESN'T KNOW HER FATHER SO IT WOULD BE THE SAME THING. FELINA BARELY KNOWS HIM. I know . . . but they would forget me. They wouldn't forget you. Felina would think her mother abandoned her and didn't want her. Do you want to put her through that? Felina's only two. . . she would grow to love another as her mother. If that happens to be Cassie . . so be it. They would know him. They would have a better life with him. Again, I disagree!!!! Has he asked for them? NO! Does he call Felina daily to say hi or call you to ask how they are doing? NO!!! Right now he is thinking only of himself. Both of you are being selfish. Are you sure you don't want him to have them because you think it isn't fair he is out running around while you are stuck at home with the kids? I felt that way at one time but it will be a cold day in HELL before anyone takes my kids. No matter what happens, I get the better end of the deal, I have my kids. Kiya would never know the difference. The change over would be a little tough on Felina . . . but it's the best I can offer her. Kiya would know the difference. She is used to you and it would be hard on her too.
I try not to say too many things that would upset people on here because I don't want to hear it myself but you have hit a nerve with me and I can't keep my mouth shut. You need to stop being selfish and thinking only of yourself. You say you are thinking about your girls but you aren't. Your H can't give them 1/8 of what you have given them. You have made a home for them. How much of a home would it be for them being thrown from sitter to sitter because he is on the road a lot? That isn't any kind of life at all.
Grow up and stop obsessing on all of this. Until you learn to let go, you won't be able to do things. Everyone on here is in the same situation wanting their spouses home and we all have to sacrifice a lot to hang on to our sanity. If everyone gave up because things weren't going that way it would be many more divorced people in the world. You can't give up on love. If you love someone enough you will try anything you can to keep them or get them back. You need to detach, you haven't done that yet. You need to stop calling him. When you call him and he doesn't answer, you assume he is with Cassie. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't but assuming really kills you doesn't it? If you didn't call, you wouldn't have to assume. I have found not knowing where my H is or what he is doing helps more.
Emily, I hope you don't take my post the wrong way. I just don't want to see you give those girls up and regret it (because you will).
Emily, don't give up those girls. From what you've written about Kevin, it does not sound like he would be a stellar dad right now. Those girls need you.
Pick yourself up and start all over again tomorrow. Every day is a new chance to make a change for the better. You can do it.
I was qualified for food stamps, are they relativly easy to get today?
The Pennsylvania Social Services has a program for low income children to provide emergency assistance in the form of cash and food stamps. Part of it is subsidized by the federal government (MY taxes) so I hereby give you my blessing to get BACK some of my money and put it to a good and honorable use! I would be very glad to know I was able to help your children.
When W and I first got married we were pretty broke, with a newborn. I was amazed at the cool clothes you could get at thrift stores for the kids. And kids don't care where they come from, they just like the 'new stuff'!
There are often local food banks. You know, the place where the boy scouts take all those canned goods? I see on line there is a web site with the ability to search Pennsylvania by zipcode HERE
Now you know those Boy Scouts earn merit badges for all the volunteer work they do collecting stuff. You DO want to help them out don't you? Then call the food bank!
I'm sure there's more, I'm sure there are other things. You have a phone. Let your fingers do the walking and call call call!
Emily, send a physical address to my email.
You can send me a friends address if you don't want to give me yours.
I will send you diapers and anything else I can.
Send me an address.
When I was on my own with my son, before I got married, I received help from the state for a period of time. It happens. This is what those programs are for. Use them.
In the meantime, let us help you.
For many like me, it'll be an opportunity to give back.
