Exactly. I told him flat out, "I will not be your one night stand( (and I didn't mean sexually) tonight. It's not going to work, just because you stopped and spent a few hours with me now. Doesn't mean you can give me some crap excuse and spend the weekend with her."
Basically if he doesn't keep him promise this weekend. I am shutting that damn door. I'm done screwing around with him. D-O-N-E!!!
I've finally been feeling better and better about myself . . . I'm not going to let him wreck that.
I'm so distrusting and angry with him. Like I was just on the phone with him briefly and he got another call . . . . and then a few minutes later he "had to go" It's pretty suspicious! I can't trust him. I know it's pushing him away . . . but I don't want to get hurt again. I'm sick of running in second when not only should I be first I should be only.
I'm tired of the damn tailspin. I'm just going to call . . . pray I get the VM and tell him I can't do this. I can't trust him . . . I'm falling for him again and I don't want to. I DO love him . . . but he and I just aren't right for each other anymore. It's time for it to end. It's been over. . . .
Geez, Emily, stop it for a minute!!!! If you don't want him back, then fine - you can tell him in 24 hours, okay? But the REAL problem here is your fear of being vulnerable. You are afraid of being hurt again by him leaving again - so you are attempting to control that fear by leaving him first. Does this make any sense? It does NOT get you closer to your goals.
If the problem is that you don't trust what he is currently saying to you - stop and think what it would take for you to be comfortable. What do you need from him? Then write it down and tell him - "this is what it will take to put our R back together".
BTW - it always takes a little time for that final break from OW to happen. And you are ASSuming big time that just because he has to take another call, it means he's talking to her!
Calm down, quit clinging, get on with your life and quit focusing on him. Give it 6 months, okay???
Granted your husband has not done much in the way of helping you to feel secure BUT YOU are putting yourself into the tailspin.
I'm telling you right now YOUR ACTIONS are going to determine what happens at this point.
If you are going to be the jealous, bitter and untrusting one in this picture, you can be assured he won't be attracted back to you at all.
IF HOWEVER you present yourself to be willing to give him the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT and you present yourself as confident that you can make it with OR without him...in spite of someone calling on the other line...you will be putting yourself in a much better light.
Been away for a while - Jerry Springer show interested in my sitch... Just kidding..
I agree with KML and AmyC - what are your goals? Will kicking him to the curb meet your goals?
You can have Emily goals and M/R goals. Write them down if you haven't. If you have written them down - then take a look and revise if necessary. But don't allow your self to take immediate action for anything. You sound a lot stronger - but don't let him get you into a tailspin.
Exactly. You deserve to be pursued Emily. You deserve him to come begging, for him to fight for you, for him to show you that he means he wants you. Right?
So let him. He wont be able to do that if you call him and pursue him. Allow him the space to be able to pursue you. You just be your cute little self and he will want to pursue you.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
What I've noticed with my own H (and in other people's situations here) is that when some small progress is made, the WAS will sometimes distance themselves again. Maybe that's a defense mechanism, I don't know. But it seems to be the way these things go. Perhaps he is overwhelmed with his feelings for you and the kids right now, and confused about his (former?) feelings for the OW. You have to give him some time to figure these things out. Back off and let the man have some space!
It's just that he brought her up in our short convo. He was cleaning out his truck and he said, "The only good thing about having her with me was that she picked after me."
How was I suppose to reply to that?
My ultimate goal was always to have him "come home" but that's not an option anymore. He'll always be on the road and "free". There was always be space between us. How can it work? I mean if he was always faithful and such . . then his career would be fine. But with him being a "cheater" . . . there will always be that suspicion of OW. There will always be an "out" for him to make up to go see her.
I did call him and he picked up , "Hello sweetheart." I was shaky and upset . . . I explained my feelings I made sure I said that I wanted to be able to trust him and that I wanted he and I to work out. But I also told him, "What I want from you the most . . .is the flat out truth, even if you think it'll break my heart and hurt me. I just want the truth." He said, "OK. Told me he would gladly talk to me . . . but he was heading out. He'd call me tonight." Well alright we'll see how it goes.
I am trying to be distant and yet let him work on fighting his way back. I just feel like I am getting mixed signals. He keeps telling me, "I had made up my mind to come back to you the lasttime . . I don't know what happened and I am sorry . . . etc"
Which is crap . . . or maybe he means it. I just don't know.
I feel guilty and hurt at the same time. I'd like him to step up and mesh our money . . but I feel he won't so I have no choice but to keep the support. I feel bad . . but my hands are tied. (He hasn't said anything about it . . other than he understands, he has to pay it. and that we could talk more about it this weekend face to face.) I'm scared.
Quote: If you don't want him back, then fine - you can tell him in 24 hours, okay? But the REAL problem here is your fear of being vulnerable. You are afraid of being hurt again by him leaving again - so you are attempting to control that fear by leaving him first. Does this make any sense? It does NOT get you closer to your goals.
You are dead on point. I am scared to DEATH!
It felt so good to see him. It felt so good to have him want to be near me. If felt good to have surprise me because he missed me. It felt natural . . . not uncomfortable. Seeing him made me remember just how much I do love him. And it scared the HELL outta me.
I already started to get slightly reattached *not a lot . . but I'm not zero attached now* . . . and it scares me. It's so natural for me to trust him, but I know I can't. I'm just flat out scared . . . and I'm ready to run rather than face that fear. I know I can't, I'm trying to steel myself for the fall but I'm hoping it doesn't come. I know I'll stand here and wait . . .but the thought of leaving him is comforting some how. It's a let down on my part not his. I wouldn't have to feel that he didn't love him . . etc etc. I'm just plain scared.
Quote: I am trying to be distant and yet let him work on fighting his way back BULLCRAP. As soon as he calls and shows the slightest sign of wanting to come back you then start calling him and starting R conversations. YOU ARE CLINGY AND WILL DRIVE HIM AWAY. . I just feel like I am getting mixed signals No, that's wrong because as soon as he GAVE you a signal you did just as I wrote above. . He keeps telling me, "I had made up my mind to come back to you the lasttime . . I don't know what happened and I am sorry . . . etc" Why don't you accept this and SEE WHAT HAPPENS instead of jumping right back into the middle of his sh*t!?! You have not given this man a chance. Regardless of whether or not he deserves it, which we are all pretty certain he does NOT however, in the interest of saving your family you decided to give him one (which was the right thing to do) but as soon as he comes around testing the waters you act like you want to strap a leash on him. The problem is still your lack of self esteem...your feelings of being unworthy. I guaran-damn-tee you that you have the opportunity to make this man LONG for YOU & HOME each time he leaves to make a run but you are instead sabotaging everything because it's STILL all about Kevin to you. It's time grow up and act like a woman that knows what she wants and how to get it. That starts with YOU looking deeper inside yourself and coming to know that you know that you know that EMILY is worth it.
