I'm here, thanks for asking. things here are pretty much status quo. I am a little perturbed that I did not get to go to my Al-Anon meeting Tuesday night and just now I had to postpone this afternoon's counseling session until next week.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Actually both were because H needed me to do something with or for him. I need to work on this.
I am reading a new book. Another real eye opener. It is called IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME. I read one part last night that stopped me in my tracks. It is about how children in alcoholic homes learn to "keep the family secrets" and not trust reality. These rules are seldom verbalized but it is somehow engrained in us.
Not long ago I came in from the Al-Anon meeting I had cried at the meeting, but thought I had composed myself pretty well before I got home. When I came in DS12 asked me why I had been crying. I told him I had not been crying and laughed it off.
OMG right then I taught my son that he could not believe or trust what he was seeing.
I am angry with my self for not knowing that my being raised in a home with an alcoholic is affecting my children. All I can do now that I now is continue to work on this. But I am more deteremind than ever to break the cycle!
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
H is gone this weekend. I find myself having a hard heart thinking about him. I have not called him once since he left (no desire to) and I have really had to force myself to take the phone when he calls. I have been letting the boys answer it each time.
I did search last night and found a discussion board for women who have H's addicted to porn. Reading some of their stories should have made me feel good about my sitch. But oddly that was not the case.
I also watch a sapping love story yesterday afternoon. It made me long for things that I may never have in my life. Someone to tell me I am beautiful, and to cherish me.
Note to self: NO MORE SAPPY MOVIES!!!!!!
Maybe it is the weather and the gloomy skies and no sunshine making me so blue. I guess I need to snap out of it and get back to work!
I did accomplish one thing yesterday... I took everything out of the pantry and re-organized it and got rid of some stuff. That was a big job, now I need to get busy on the rest of the chores!
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
****But I am more deteremind than ever to break the cycle!
I agree. You will. You kids and their kids may never thank you because they will never know. But it is not about gratitude. It's about kicking life's cycles in the nuts and doing the right thing.
****I did accomplish one thing yesterday... I took everything out of the pantry and re-organized it and got rid of some stuff. That was a big job, now I need to get busy on the rest of the chores!
That's blues busting 101...do something physical that you can look at and see some kind of result for your efforts. Good for you!
I was not so much able to shake my blue mood last night when H got home. To be honest I did not want to be around him. I sat with him for a few minutes to watch TV, but I honestly thought I was oging to crawl out of my skin... I had to get out of that room!
So I went up stairs to fold laundry. Then I got in bed. I asumme H thought it was odd that I did not even come say good night, or maybe it did not even cross his mind. I did speak to him for a few minutes when he finally came up. But he never even made an attempt to offer me a good night kiss or anything.
I am not in any better mood today either. It may still just be the weather fueling my mood. At least that is what I am telling myself.
I have to shake this off or there will be no way I can act AS IF and I am not emtionally prepared to take on anything else right now.
Keep me in your prayers today, please.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
