FWIW, here is how I see things in your sitch. Taking a step into your FOO for a moment, I recall your tough past, all the abuse, blame, etc. As a kid I know how easy it is to fall into a victim role. All you want is peace and no fear in the house. You cannot rebel, you cannot leave, you cannot fix things, you just have to keep taking it and find a way to survive. Eventually time passes, you realize you are still alive but feel the hurt. And then you wish someone could understand you pain and take it away, comfort you. In fact, I wonder if displaying even MORE pain that what you may have been feeling got you some bit of sympathy from your mother. If so, could this be the basis for you creating drama? Is that not really what you are doing with the EAs?
I see them as nothing more than a cry for compassion, for the comfort you always wanted from your parents. I DO NOT see your EA as a deceptive, underhanded, manipulative, self-centered ploy for self gratification. That is why I think the EA did not give you the comfort you needed. Say you were something of a narcissist, then an EA could easily lead to a PA since you would be getting the charge to your ego that a narcissist needs. Isn’t an MLC that typifies so many affairs little more than a narcissistic fling of self indulgence, gratification and entitlement all wrapped up in denial? I do not see that in you. I see a cry for attention.
My point is that I think everyone is looking at your EAs and a possible pattern developing as manifestation of a deeper problem, maybe an addictive sort of thing. I don’t see it. The only addiction I see is your need for compassion. The drama creates pity in others and you get the compassion you crave. The problem is that you are an adult now, you will never get the compassion you missed as a child, and as cruel as it sounds, you really need own up to this fact. You were hurt, your parents hurt you for whatever reason, you cannot ever get back the lost compassion, it was not your fault, but it is your problem. So stop blaming yourself and heaping on the guilt. That is just perpetuating the drama and locking yourself into a cycle in which you get rewarded for continuing self destructive behavior.
The good news is that your wife really does love you, really can give you compassion but only in an adult way, not as a mother to a child. Find a way to substitute your childhood longing with an adult emotion. I’m not sure what this might be, but maybe others can help here.
The other point I want to make is that I think you working this EA matter through with your C is good. I am not convinced divulging everything to your W is best. Maybe some day. But for what purpose? If you have an addiction, then I can understand. Your W needs to be aware to protect herself, to accept you fully, and to help you work through things. How is she going to help you with what I see as a FOO issue? Just my POV.
Chromo could choose to not divulge. He could improve himself and gain enough power and and false respect in the R that there sexual issues are resolved.
That will not give him the intimacy that he desires to have. That will only come about thru transparancy and knowing the trust he has is earned. HE will know that the love she has for him is not based on truth and loving him for him. That is what he craves.
There is no sense in him filling up her LB to drop a bomb on her and have her questioning her ability to perceive reality. Every action he takes will be reviewed and questioned as sincere and real, and chalked up to not trustable or duplicitous during the time period of the A. Mrs.Nop and Gel just dont want to waste there time giving good advice to someone who isnt serious and honest with himself. They are doing him and his W a favor.
I wasnt mad at him for the A, I was mad at him for wasting my time, and making things worse by getting in his own way and trying to take the easy way.
I think you are right on. Sexual confidence in women is EVERYTHING. My wife is a type "A" personality, so I would say she is close to the alpha female. This is attractive but ONLY when they are also sexually confident (HD). I guess what I am saying is that HD women are usually what is attractive to men.
